* * *
Tick… Tick… Tick… Ticktickticktickticktick-"Dammit, Kento, this is chess not dominoes!"
"Well, excuse me Rowen! It's not like I know what I'm supposed to be doing!!"
"If you paid attention maybe you'd know!!!"
"But this is boring!!"
"You're the one who wanted to know how to play!!!"
"No, I didn't, you just decided to teach me because you had nothing better to do!!"
"Yes, you did!"
"No, I didn't!!"
"Yes, you did!!!"
"No, I didn't!!!!"
"Yes-"
"Would you two be quiet already?! I'd really like to know what this house is like when it's quiet!!" Cye hollered from the kitchen.
In the living room Rowen silently stuck his tongue out at Kento in achievement of getting the last word in. Kento seethed and was only moments away from hitting him when Mia wandered into the room.
"Uh, hi, Mia." He greeted, wearing a cheesy grin he always had when he'd done something wrong and knew he was about to get caught for it. "Did you, uh, happen to feel anything itchy or, eh, slimy when you got dressed today? Eh, heh."
That grin also meant he'd done something wrong that he'd get one hell of a laugh out of as well.
"No, why?"
"You might need these, then." He said as he dropped a flyswatter and a can of bug spray into Mia's possession before disappearing in a cloud of Kento-shaped smoke.
Mia stared at them for a moment before she pulled off a similar disappearing act as she ran for the bathroom, rushing by Sage who was sitting at the dining room table on her way.
"Women. Always changing their clothes." He stated simply into his mug as he continued reading the newspaper though his hair had been whipped back by Mia's passing.
"AFTER I'M DONE WITH HIM, YOU'RE NEXT!!!!!!" She declared dangerously.
Silence reigned for a short moment, much to Cye's open relief, until it was broken by the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut. Ryo appeared shortly after in the kitchen bearing an armful of groceries. He looked extremely annoyed and it was revealed that Yuli, whom he had to drag along, had not stopped talking for one moment during the entire trip into town.
He was at this point in time still babbling his little fool head off and Ryo was desperately looking for something, anything, to shut him up.
"Yuli, do you ever go home?" He asked as he deposited his burden on the kitchen table for Cye to look over.
"AndthenhesaidthatIshouldleavehimalonebecauseIwasbugginghimandIaskedwhyandhesaidthatIneededtogetalifeandIaskedwhyandheshovedmeoutthedoorandtoldmetogohomejustlikeyoudidthereandIaskedhimwhyIshouldgohomeandheignoredmesoIsaidIdidnthavetotakethisandleftIguesshedidntliketotalktomebutIdontknowwhyIthoughtIwasafunpersontotalktobecauseIdonttalkmuchbutItriedtoaskhimandallhesaidwasfu-"
Yuli actually paused for a breath just as Ryo was convinced that he could indeed function without breathing and drowning him was out of the question.
"Ryo," Cye interrupted their 'conversation.' "Did you even look at the list I gave you?"
"Hmm, yeah, why?"
"Well, I wrote down eggs, milk, and bread, and all I got were sporks, sporks, and sporks."
"What?" Ryo looked through what he'd brought home and, indeed, every single bag was filled to the brim with sporks. They had to have somewhere near a thousand sporks in their possession now.
"Ryo, dude, I knew you had some problems but I never thought you had a spork fetish." Kento appeared from nowhere with Rowen and Sage behind him.
"It's not a FETISH!!!!!"
"What do you call this, then?" He said holding up one of the fork-shaped/spoon-shaped utensils.
Yuli, who'd never been exposed to sporks before, immediately grabbed the utensil from Kento's grasp and began staring at it intently.
Cye didn't notice this. "Well, we're going to have to go back out and pick up the stuff you forget, Ryo."
Kento attempted to take the spork back but Yuli turned on him growling savagely, though it sounded more like he was gargling, and holding the utensil protectively in both hands.
"What about the sporks?" Ryo asked. "Guess we'll have to take 'em back or something."
Kento drew back, scared, and raised his hands in the air to show he meant no harm towards Yuli.
Footsteps sounded near the stairway and Kento abruptly panicked, knowing Mia had come to wreak her vengeance upon him.
"Okay, guys, we gotta go!!!" He grabbed everyone be the arm (and just for this occasion he sprouted two extra arms) and dragged them out the door towards the jeep.
* * *
I am not an idiot. I am not an idiot. Ryo thought as he found himself and the others in the midst of Best Buy to which Kento had somehow convinced them to go.
The teen in question was browsing a rack that held video cameras one could try out and test before purchase. Kento, however, had absolutely no intention of doing this.
"Hey, babe." He said from behind a small camcorder where he was 'recording' a nearby woman's breasts.
A resounding slap echoed across the Western Hemisphere.
Ryo sighed and wandered away with the others, leaving Kento's unconscious body sprawled across aisle 5.
The next stop was the DVD section (of Doom™).
It was here that Yuli appeared out of nowhere (a plothole) and walked by staring intently at the spork held firmly in both hands. "Yes, Master." He whispered, unblinking.
The four Ronins gave him an odd look and promptly returned to their leafing through of the Digital Video Discs.
On opposite sides of the displays, Rowen and Cye scanned the titles. Never one to miss an opportunity to annoy someone in a new and interesting way, Rowen lightly tosses a DVD over the display to hit Cye squarely in the head with a video of 'The Crawling Hand.'
Irritated, Cye grabbed a DVD from off his side of the rack and promptly threw 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' at Rowen's skull.
This continued even as a man dressed like he came straight off a historical documentary walked onto the screen. "And so began the great DVD wars of the 21st century. These fights lasted until-" The man was promptly knocked unconscious by a flying 'Tae-bo' DVD.
Cye dodged a UFD (Unidentified Flying DVD), grabbed the first thing that came to hand and threw a 'Spy Hard' video in retaliation.
Rowen ducked and the DVD sailed overhead to hit a person standing conveniently behind him. He turned around to apologize and came face-to-face with the Biker Gang from Hell™-
INTERMISSION ~corny music begins~
Scene cuts to multiple large, walking snack treats as they begin dancing around and singing: "Let's all go to the Lobby, let's all go to the Lobby, let's all go to the Lobby, and have ourselves a snack."
Kento appears from nowhere, tackles a giant snack cake, and has to be beaten back with a 2 by four.
~With the strangled whine, the corny music ends~
-Everyone took off running as the hulk of a man in tight fitting leather pounded a meaty fist the size of a pumpkin in his other hand. His gang quickly engaged in pursuit of the fleeing teens.
It was looking totally, absolutely, completely, wholly, entirely, utterly hopeless until Ryo and gang stumbled upon the Computer section (of Confusion™). The labyrinthine passageways and aisles allowed them to lose their pursuers just as quickly as they lost themselves. They regrouped in an aisle deep within the bowels of Best Buy's largest electronics section.
Taking attendance, Ryo asked: "Where's Sage?"
The others shrugged, showing no great concern for their friend's disappearance or, in Kento's case, not even paying attention.
* * *
In a dark closet far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, *nudges record player* far away from Best Buy, in place not even located in the same zip code or dimension, Sage Date looked around and wondered where he was.
"Welcome, Halo." Greeted an all-too-familiar voice as candles ignited themselves all around the room.
"Talpa," Sage addressed the twice-thwarted would-be ruler of the world with a malice not dulled by time. "What do you want?"
"Not much, this time."
Sage prepared to defend himself.
"No, not that. I just wanted to, eh…play a board game…"
Sage was stunned. "Well, uh," he said smartly, scratching the back of his head. "I, uh, guess I could play for a while, then"
* * *
"Ooooooh, I'm starving!!"
"That's the forty-two thousand seven hundred and sixty-third time you've made us aware of that, Kento."
"Well, I am!"
Cye let out an exasperated sigh; they'd been wandering lost through the Computer section (of Confusion™) for…well, it could have been days, they didn't know. All they knew was that Kento was annoying the crap out of them with his complaining.
As luck would have it, turning yet another corner they came upon a tribe of pygmies roasting their latest kill, a sound card, over a fire they'd created in the middle of the aisle. Rowen took this all in and, calmly, turned around and tried to sneak away. He should've paid more attention to his horoscope when it said, 'You will meet a tribe of pygmies today.' But noooooo, he had to laugh it off and ignore it. But before he could escape, Kento snagged him by the shirt and thrust him out in front, electing him to be the one to greet the, uh, 'natives' since he was the smartest.
But before any words could be said, the pygmies took one look at Rowen's blue hair and promptly declared him a god with a great amount of fuss and babbling.
Of course, none of our heroes had a clue about what the pygmies were saying. All together, they sounded like a group of bears trying to collectively gag up a hairball. It was a strange species of bear they imitated, it lived far north at the bottom of the sea and looked suspiciously like a Larch tree with a pumpkin on top wrapped in saran wrap.
Scared, they back up, fall through a plothole, and disappear.
Yuli appeared again, still staring intently at the spork held in front of him. "Yes, Master."
In light of the loss of their previous god, the pygmies adopt Yuli as one instead and proceed to follow him around the rest of the story.
"Yassh, Mestarr." They attempt to repeat.
* * *
Lights come up and we see a TV studio arranged almost exactly, but not quite, like the set for 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
"Welcome back to 'Who Wants to Win Something?! ™' Here we have our latest contestant." Regis Funbin motions to Ryo who is squirming around in his chair trying to get a good look around and wondering where he was and, more importantly, where the audience was. "On to the next question on 'Who Wants to Win Something?! ™':
Besides Howie, Kevin, Brian, and A.J., who is the fifth Backstreet Boy?
A. Richard Nixon
B. Tinky Winky
C. Thor, god of thunder
D. A pubic hair
Take your time."
Ryo really didn't know what to make of this one though he thought it might be the pubic hair.
"Can I call someone?"
"Sure," Regis Funbin said. "Who'd you like to call?"
"I think Kento'd know the most about this."
"Okay, we'll get him on the phone, then."
Ring…
Ring…
"Hello?"
"Kento?"
"Hey, Ryo, man, you have to get us out of here. They have us trapped in these little rooms with only a phone in 'em. And there's absolutely no food!!!"
At this point there could be heard yelling in the background and the sound of a door opening.
"Hey! Get your hands off of me!!! Hey! Hey!! Yeah, I meant it when I told you to go **** yourself! What're you doing?!? Hey!! Put me down!!!!"
There was the sound of a door closing and then silence.
"That was your one and only live-line."
"Ummmm," Ryo scratched his head. "I think I'll choose…uh…E. A jar of almonds."
"Is that your ultimate answer?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, but…you're right!!!"
"What did I win?"
Funbin motioned towards a large yellow curtain behind him that had the word 'Something' printed in large letters on it along with an even bigger question mark. The curtain was pulled away to reveal a stool with a pair of shoes set regally atop it.
"A shiny, new pair of dingo boots!!"
* * *
For those of you wondering about White Blaze…
White Blaze is lying on his back in the middle of a lush jungle surrounded by female tigers and many serving women who are feeding him strips of raw meat. He doesn't know why or how he got here, he just knows it beats following Ryo around all the time.
* * *
And meanwhile, back at Talpa's place…
"-And Cale, jeez, that guy couldn't do anything right. Do you have any threes?"
"I know, don't even get me started on Cale. Go fish."
* * *
Reunited, at last…
"So, like, what do we do now?"
"I don't know, maybe we should go find Sage."
"Sounds good to me."
Everyone agreed with Cye's plan and set about it, it's not like they had anything more important to do-
* * *
*Squeak, squeak* AHHHHHHH!!!! *Running footsteps* *Squeak, squeak* OH MY GOD, NO-! *Thump*
The author has just been run down by lemmings.