anime/manga; Kingdom Hearts
pairing; None, KairiNaminé friendship
warnings; AU, serious themes, curses, underage drinking
disclaimer; I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters used.
summary; sometimes, you have to stop and re-wind to really realize just what the hell happened - because it all goes by so f a s t .

&&&

The beach feels so much larger when sitting on it alone, and she just can't get a grasp of the memories constantly flickering in front of her eyes no matter which direction she turns her head - just like she can't grasp the sand grains slipping through her slim fingers like it would in an hour glass, ticking time away.

There are Thalassa shells digging into her skin and she's not crying (really, she's not) and the sky is painted in such pretty pinks and yellows.

"Famous last words alright", she whispers to anyone who'd bother enough to listen.

&&&

"You don't understand, Riku", she spits, tears hot against the corners of her eyes. "If it wasn't for me, it wouldn't have-"

"Don't say it", the silver-haired boy replies, shaking his head and pulling the petite girl closer. "Just.. just let me think, Kairi."

&&&

Day after day after day; 'serious' conversations with teachers and numerous visits at the welfare officer's later, she still feels just as empty as when she first woke up the day after the party and realized that things will never be the same.

"So, Kairi, tell me about your feelings", Dr. Strife insists (just like he has oh-so-many times before), and maybe she's going crazy for real but damn if those bright blue eyes and the fair hair doesn't remind her of-

(of-)

The picture by her bedside table is yet to be removed, two girls laughing and linking hands; one with copper hair and one with blonde hair in front of a large sign that reads "TWILIGHT TOWN 08" in large letters.

Kairi remembers that class trip so well; they had been going by train, sharing M&M's and secrets about who they were currently crushing on. Naminé just couldn't stop smiling that day - but then again, Roxas Osment had kissed her on the cheek in the love boat, as she obviously told Kairi the second she got off the ride, smile threatening to split her porcelain face.

"There are no feelings", the redhead whispers.

And it's true. It's true, it's true, it's true.

&&&

Half past eleven and she's so not going. Kairi turns to the side, hiding her tear-streaked face in the pillow and tries to make the world go away by the power of will alone.

A minute goes by. Obviously, she's not succeeded.

"Damn it", she murmurs through messy bangs that haven't been washed or straightened for the last 48 hours. "Damn it. Damn it, damn it.."

Thirty-two minutes past eleven and she just can't go, because the heavy lump in her chest won't leave her alone - because she feels guilty and sad and doesn't know what to do, where to move on from here.

She still has time - a little less than half an hour, actually, but it's just impossible for her to go like this. It's not the proper way of saying goodbye; it's wrong to go and bid the blonde angel farewell now - it's too late. She won't be forgiven. And she shouldn't be, either.

"Damn it, Naminé", Kairi sobs, and feels her insides crumble just a bit more.

&&&

Frantically running, breath catching against her dry lips, shoes discarded somewhere (anywhere) along the way.

She sneaks in and she's holding her breath and she's trying to tiptoe (fuck I'm so not supposed to be home this late) and with shaky fingers she finally grabs hold of the phone, sliding down the wall to the floor and trying to calm her heart threatening to pound right through her ribcage.

Kairi's having trouble pressing on the right numbers, and so she has to start all over several times until she finally gets it right.

"911, how can I help you?"

Inhale. Exhale. She guesses there's really no good way to say "I killed my best friend".

&&&

They aren't far from each other, the heels snapped off right in the middle. Kairi soon finds numerous hair nails and ripped (pure white) clothing material.

And then, illuminated by the moonlight seeping in through the thick fog and the crowns of the tall and proud trees, she sees a fallen angel.

Disheveled hair colored a glimmering gold, pale skin looking so delicate it is almost unreal. The blinding white of her pretty dress has been torn and stained in dirt and scarlet, contrasting painfully against her pallid appearance, looking more gory than any cheap horror-flick.

Kairi stumbles backwards and screams at the top of her lungs.

&&&

Somewhere between drinks being passed to her and the DJ only playing good-and-trendy music, Kairi realises that it's been four hours since she last saw her blonde friend.

She looks around and through the smokey mist covering the room she tries to discern the lithe form of Naminé. She's rarely hard to pick out with her golden hair and pale skin (they do live on a tropical island and yet she's probably the only inhabitant who isn't tanned - go figure), but this time, she finds herself looking more intently, hoping to catch a glimpse of the snow-white dress and Naminés pallid matchstick legs.

There's no Naminé. Well, she isn't really surprised, seeing as her the blonde did say she'd leave.

Maybe she should check on her - yeah, she probably should.

Drawling some lame excuse to the people flocking around her, Kairi puts on that dazzling smile and takes off, forgetting all about her jacket and her keys and her wallet left on a deserted desk pushed into a corner.

She has a bad feeling; something heavy settling in her gut, something revolting trying to force its way out of her throat. But then again, it could've been that last martini, too. Wobbling around unsteadily she finally falls over and lands quite ungracefully on the side of the road, wet grass sticking to her bare legs.

Choking on her own vomit, make-up running, hair tousled; a complete mess.

As the redhead slowly lifts her head, sucking shallow air in, she notices something sparkling beneath a pile of dirty leaves and ripped grass.

Her silver chain.

&&&

"Angel", the voice slurs, demanding (cold) fingers and blank eyes. "Haz anyone evur told ya that ya look like an angel?"

A violent tug isn't enough to get her arm back, currently trapped by those long and dirty fingers, making her skin itch and her stomach flip.

"N-No", she replies. "Could you please let go of me?"

A toothless grin, and greasy hair brushing her cheek, making her shudder in repulse.

If anyone could've heard her, she would've screamed.

If she could've screamed, no body would've heard her.

&&&

Cute boy. Check. Music. Check. Vodka. Check.

Kairi wonders how anything in the whole world could be better than this. Losing herself in the dance all over again, she fights the bright lights making her eyes squint.

Somewhere in the rush of being rocked against a strong body in some kind of clingy-dance-thingy, Kairi briefly wonders if she should've at least made sure Naminé got home safe, no matter how boring she's being.

The boy named- Tim? Tom? T-something? presses his chapped lips against her own, and even if he has no idea what he's doing she still returns the kiss, the bass drowning out any other thoughts than oh, this dude needs a mint.

Whatever. If Naminé is going to be like that, let her be like that.

&&&

Mere seconds later, she hears her name being called from the direction she just came from, and by an all-too-familiar voice.

"Nami! Hey, wait up! Where are you going?"

"Kairi", the blonde acknowledges. "Home, I guess. You?"

"I know that", the redhead sighns, "but why? The party's just getting started!"

"Yeah, I know, but.. I don't feel very well. I just want to go home, y'know? But you should stay!"

"C'mon, now! Why are you always like that? Are you afraid your mom's gonna find out or what?" Kairi demands, her unstable appearance making it quite obvious that she is already under the influence of alcohol.

Naminé shakes her head.

"No. I just don't feel like I belong there. I want to leave."

"Fine, then!" the other snaps testily. "Go ahead and leave! Don't see why you just can't stay and have a couple of drinks witcha' best friend, but if you wanna be momma's little good girl then fine!"

The fair-haired girl sighns.

"Sorry, Kairi. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

A snort is the only response she gets, and with that, the redheaded girl disappears.

Naminé walks down the road, trying to protect her delicate frame from the chilly wind.

&&&

Loud music pumping out from the speaker system, laughing and bubbly chattering, eyes glossy with drunken absence. The girls are wearing too shorts skirts and too high heels, too tight tops and too much make-up, but ain't that the way it goes?

The boys are wearing baggy jeans and fake caps, bobbing in time with the beat in some silly-looking manner, probably picked up from MTV but performed numerous times worse than those thugs on TV, but it doesn't really seem to bother anyone - they're either too drunk or too stoned to notice.

Naminé sits in a corner, bony fingers twitching in her lap; aching to do something, anything - preferably knocking the next kid who tries to get her up on the dance floor with their close proximity and breaths reeking of alcohol or onion chips (or both).

She looks beautiful, really, she does; the white (she insists on always wearing white, no exceptions) dress that is tight around her ribcage and then explodes into a balloon-shaped skirt fits her a little too well, and Naminé has to admit that Kairi did an exeptional job with doing her hair (going crazy with a curling iron and tons of hairspray did the trick) and her make-up ("I want it neutral", the blonde had requested nervously).

Hell, Kairi has even hung her favourite silver chain - the papou-shaped one - around the blonde's neck.

Yet, somehow, she's finding the whole situation stupid, and she can't really enjoy herself. It's like all she can hear - despite the blasting music and the buzzing and people giving her comments like "Dae-mn, girl! You lookin' fine!" - is the blood pumping in her ears, thump thump thump (in time with the beat, perhaps?) and the throbbing of her head.

Kairi's out there, doing her thing; naturally, the party's revolving around her, and she smiles oh-so-prettily and dances oh-so-fiercely and she doesn't really look like she gives a damn either, living for this moment solemnly.

Naminé understands, and she's used to her best friend getting all the attention; be it from hot guys or girls who wants to suck up, teachers or parents. Naminé understands, but she still feels out of place and finds herself wishing for half a second or so that she could switch places with Kairi and see what it is like to have such confidence, such an ability to attract and enchant everyone around her.

Shakily standing in her sky-high heels, she somehow manages to make her way through the mess of tangled limbs and sloppy lip-locking, kids dancing and talking and drinking and (making complete fools of themselves).

What is she doing here?

"Kairi", she shouts, but T-pain's description of a girl with 'apple bottom jeans' and 'them boots with the fur' drowns her out as she impatiently tries to gain the redhead's attention; she's currently dancing with some what's-his-face, sluggishly grinding her hips against his.

"Kairi!" Naminé yells, louder this time. "I'm leaving!"

And as she turns around, princess-like curls bouncing at the motion, she briefly catches her best friend's dazed gaze; deep-blue clouded with what was probably a shot or two too much, and then-

(thump thump thump

the neon lights and the smoke heavy in the air and people leaning on her and around her)

-the door is firmly swung shut behind her by one of the drunk guests, mumbling something about not letting the cold air in.

Naminé shrugs, gingerly scooping up her jacket from the hallway where it had been thrown. Seconds later, she's stumbling down the stairs, leaving Wakka's apartment for the quick walk home.

&&&

Justin Timberlake's smooth voice is turned all the way up while Kairi struts around, posing in front of her huge mirror and testing different eye shadows.

"C'mon Nami, let's just go! I bet it'll be fun, and Wakka's expecting us!"

"I don't know, Kairi.. I don't feel very well.."

"Aw, don't be a spoilsport. I could fix your make-up, and your hair, and your.."

"But I don't really feel like going to a party right now. My head hurts, and I kinda had this fight with my mom yesterday."

"You mean she won't let you go? But we'll sneak out, obviously!"

"I don't know, Kairi.."

"Nonsense! It'll be awesome! Cute boys, drinks, snacks, and dancing the night away! What could possibly go wrong?"

A gentle smile (that will haunt her forever) and her sky-blue eyes sparkling with mild amusement.

"Famous last words, eh?"

&&&

Ten years old, sitting on the beach and making bracelets out of Thalassa shells and the world just can't be any more perfect.

"Naminé?"

"Yeah, Kairi?"

"We're best friends, aren't we?"

"Well, we've basically been since kinder garden, so.."

"And you wouldn't wanna change that, right?"

"Of course not. Why?"

"Just wondering."

(-can't be any more perfect.)

you likey, you hatey? either way, tell me. honestly, I have no excuse for this and I do not know where it came from. that's what happens when you should be sleeping soundly because you have a big english exam the next day.. hehe. (& yes, the story is totally suppoused to go backwards only so you can go WTF in the end, and then read it from end to beginning, and then go AHAAA.)