Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.
A/N: OK, now know that this idea has probably been done like a hundred times, but I think it's funny – I just wrote a really depressing chapter for Tattoo Tissue, so I thought I'd write something light hearted to cheer everyone off :L OOC Remus if your version of him as boring and asexual ;)
Of Pervy Old Men
The clock was ticking down the minutes to midnight on New Year's Eve as the Marauders, Lily and Mr and Mrs Potter sat before the fire chatting and sipping on bottles of firewhiskey. Mr and Mrs Potter were trying to tune the wizard wireless to a station whilst the others were giggling tipsily as they tried to feed whiskey to a pigmy puff.
"Just give up, dad," James called to his father, "We don't need the wireless to know it's midnight."
"Quite right, son, quite right." Mr Potter nodded hazily, turning back to them. Sirius giggled as he nudged James and pointed at Mr Potter repeatedly.
"Hey, Prongs, your dad's drunk." He snickered.
"Do you think we could make him dance again?" James asked brightly, turning to look at his father hopefully. Mr Potter waved him off and James turned away in disappointment. They presumed in their activities with the friendly pigmy puff until James and Lily became distracted by other activities. Peter rolled onto his back to watch the clock, looking slightly green. Remus and Sirius were having vigorous eye sex from opposite sides of the room.
"Do you have a girlfriend yet, Remus?" Mrs Potter asked kindly. James, Lily and Peter looked up warily, worried that the other two were going to do something stupid and give Mr and Mrs Potter a heart attack. Meanwhile, Remus and Sirius were taking it in turns to do suggestive eyebrow waggles at each other.
"I don't, Mrs Potter." Remus answered when he had turned away from Sirius.
"Oh, well, maybe one day, dear." Mrs Potter said kindly, "Is there anyone you have your eye on?"
"Not really." Remus shrugged, picking up his bottle and taking a sip, "But I did have a fling with one of Sirius' old girlfriends, didn't I Pads? I still like to meet up with her every now and again."
There was a pause as the Potters blinked and wandered if they would need to stop a fight and the others stared at Remus in confusion and shock. Sirius frowned and cocked his head, knowing that Remus had never done such a thing, let alone told him about it.
"Yes, I remember her like it was this afternoon," Remus nodded, looking Sirius in the eye. Sirius choked on his own spit when he remembered that they had been putting Remus' guest bedroom to good use that very afternoon. "She told me that she loved him and that he loved her, too. Very much."
"Why would you do such a thing, Remus?" Mrs Potter asked, sounding a little upset.
"I like to touch her and make her scream his name." Remus said simply, gesturing with his bottle. Mrs Potter's eyes widened at his answer and she sat back against Mr Potter heavily, glancing at James questioningly. James merely shrugged, amusement sparkling in his eyes.
Golden liquid had sloshed from bottle as Remus gesticulated. "Oops." he murmured, his eyes never leaving Sirius' as he licked the dribbling alcohol from the bottom of the bottle to the top, before closing his mouth around the rim and briefly sucking the firewhiskey from it. Sirius made a strangled sound from the other side of the room, shifting his legs around restlessly.
"Well." Mrs Potter said uncomfortably, averting her eyes as her cheeks tinted a pale pink.
"I don't get it." Peter said with a hiccup.
"I think I know what Remus is trying to say." Mr Potter nodded in his most educated voice as James', Lily's and Peter's eyes turned on him with a mixture of reactions that ranged from glee to arousal. Remus was still doing inappropriate things to his firewhiskey and Sirius was attempting to cover his crotch with his own empty bottle.
"And what's that, dad?" James asked with a poorly concealed snigger.
"Remus is trying to us that he is, in fact, Sirius' girlfriend and that he masturbates and screams Sirius' name whilst thinking about him." Mr Potter concluded before letting out a hearty belch and setting down his own empty bottle. Mrs Potter blushed and covered her mouth with her hand as James, Lily and Peter erupted into delighted guffaws of laughter. Sirius turned an interesting shade of red whilst Remus, a light weight when it came to firewhiskey and currently drunkenly oblivious to the room's amusement, continued to undress his boyfriend with his eyes.
"Who knew your dad was such a pervy old man, Prongs!" Peter gasped, wiping the tears of mirth from his eyes and holding his rotund stomach with the other hand. No one noticed Mrs Potter's small smile that clearly said, I did, and thank Merlin they didn't, or James might have been plagued with nightmares his parents doing kinky things in the bedroom next to his.
Which would, of course, disprove the theory that the banging he heard against his wall some nights was not in fact his parents wrestling for the best side of the bed. Poor, naïve, seventeen year old James.