A/N: This is just a random one-shot, and thus will not make much sense. FOOLS!
"So, this is the cave of the legendary sword, Excalibur?" Riku said as he and Sora trudged through ankle-deep water in a cave.
"Yep. And when we reach the end, I'll be the one to pull the sword!" Sora said excitedly, pumping his fist into the air.
"Unless you're not worthy," Riku pointed out teasingly, "In which case, I will be the one to pull it."
"Hey! If I can't pull the sword, what makes you think you can?" Sora demanded.
Riku paused, looking straight ahead. "Is that it up there?"
Up ahead, the cave opened into a larger cavern. On a raised, circular platform of rock surrounded by water, a beautiful sword stood vertically, its tip embedded in the stone. Light radiated on it from above, and the golden blade seemed to glow. Intricate designs were carved on the hilt, perfectly symmetrical.
"Oh yeah, there it is!" Sora yelled, jumping up to it like a little kid running for candy.
He paused in front of Excalibur, took a deep breath, and pulled. The blade came out easily.
"Yes!" Sora fist pumped again, "I'm an awesome hero! I knew I could do it!"
"What? There's no way you should be able to pull it!" Riku protested.
"Hey, I'm already an almighty Keyblade Master!" Sora bragged, "Why shouldn't I be able to pull it?"
"You're an idiotic kid who can only use the Keyblade by mistake," Riku growled, "Put it back in the ground and let me try."
"Fine, but I doubt you'll be able to pull it," Sora scoffed, stabbing it easily into the stone.
Riku stepped up to it, grasped the hilt, and carefully pulled. Once again, it easily slid out.
"It came out!" he proclaimed triumphantly.
"That's just because I already pulled it out!" Sora protested.
"Welcome!" a male voice suddenly boomed as the sword began to glow, "Welcome to my cave!"
The cavern filled with light, and the sword transformed into its true form.
"It's so… so… incredibly…" Riku began.
"Lame!" Sora finished, and his friend nodded in agreement.
"I am Excalibur, the Holy Sword!" the thing proclaimed.
There is no way to describe Excalibur. The authoress can only hope that you've seen him in the anime.
"You're the Holy Sword?" Sora said in disbelief.
"You're not exactly what we expected," Riku agreed.
"Yes, it doesn't surprise me that you're blown away by me," Excalibur replied, striking a pose with one leg sticking straight up and thrusting his cane into the air.
"That's not really what we-" Sora began.
"FOOL!" Excalibur interrupted, shoving the cane into his face, "If we are to work together, there are 1000 provisions that you must meet. Number One, I always begin my mornings with a cup of coffee with cream."
Excalibur got a far away look in his bulging eyes. "Ahh…" he said, "There's nothing better than herbal tea in the morning…"
"Wait a minute-" Riku began.
"FOOL! I always begin my mornings with a cup of coffee with cream," Excalibur insisted.
"But you just said nothing beats tea-" Sora pointed out.
"FOOL!" Excalibur said again, pointing his cane in the Keybearer's face, "I just said I always begin my mornings with a cup of coffee with cream." He put the end of his cane on the ground and looked up at the boys. "I always begin my afternoons with a cup of tea with two lumps of sugar, and in the evenings-"
"Let me guess, alcohol?" Riku guessed.
"FOOL! In the evenings I put on my pajamas," Excalibur corrected.
"Uh, what does this have to do with-" Sora asked.
"FOOL!" Excalibur interrupted once again, shoving his cane in his face, "My legend dates back to the 12th century. Would you like to hear my tale?"
"Not really," Sora grumbled.
"It is an epic tale of heroics," Excalibur insisted, waving his cane.
"Would you get that out of my face?" Sora tried to bat the cane away.
"Ah, yes," Excalibur said casually, turning away from the boys, "I was thought of a dangerous man back then, but somehow refined. Yes, I'm pretty sure they thought of me as refined, though maybe not as much back then as they do now. I'm certain they thought of me as dangerous, at least."
The supposed Holy Sword struck his signature pose again, with his leg and cane up in the air.
"I remember it was a frigid winter day, a Tuesday, I believe," he continued, "No, it was a Thursday. Or it could have been a Wednesday, that blistering summer when my legend began. Of course, Saturday is an excellent day to begin a legend."
"Would you just make up your mind, already?" Sora asked.
"FOOL!" Excalibur said, once again thrusting his cane in the Keybearer's face, "Pick a number between one and twelve!"
"One and twelve?" Riku asked in confusion, "I guess I pick 7 or something-"
"FOOL! What gives you a right to choose?" Excalibur interrupted.
"You just asked us to," Sora protested.
"FOOL!" Excalibur said AGAIN, "My legend dates back to the 12th century, I hope you know. Thus brings us to Number 57, always place a dehumidifier in your room."
"But how does that have anything to do with this?" Riku demanded.
"You understand nothing!" Excalibur stated angrily, "Why, I remember when my legend first began, back in the 12th century. It was a crisp autumn morning, most certainly a Monday."
"Haven't we already been over this?" Sora asked tiredly.
"FOOL!" exclaimed Excalibur, "Number 58, never talk to me while I'm humming to myself. Now I shall entertain you with a song."
"What?" Sora nearly face planted, "Now you're gonna sing?"
"Never deny an artist his song!" advised the Holy Sword, "Here we go!"
Excalibur began to dance as he sang:
"Excalibuuuuuur! Excalibuuuuuur!
From the United Kingdom! I'm looking for him!
I'm headed to California!
Excalibuuuuuur! Excalibuuuuuur!
From the United Kingdom! I'm looking for her!
Excalibuuuuur!"
He suddenly froze with his cane thrust in the air and one foot sticking out. He didn't even flinch when an insect flew right by his eye.
"Hey," Riku said, approaching him, "You still alive?" He felt a faint glimmer of hope that this was over. He knelt down and poked the Holy Sword.
"FOOL!" Excalibur suddenly yelled, swinging his can and whacking Riku in the face, "One must think carefully before acting. Rushing forward without first thinking is the height of foolishness. Thus brings us to Number 202. Only the finest toilet is acceptable."
"Wha-?" Sora asked.
"Yes, this reminds me of another time I had to consider things," Excalibur went on, "It was back when I called Baker Street home, and Sherlock Holms had been begging me to help solve his case."
"Sherlock Holms? You're not serious right?" Riku said.
"Thus, I found the fate of my entire troupe on my shoulders as I danced alone on stage at the opera house," Excalibur concluded.
"He's more like the Holy Nutcase than the Holy Sword," Sora whispered to Riku.
"FOOLS!" Excalibur yelled, "This brings us to Number 278! I hate carrots. If we're going to be partners, never even think of including them in my meals."
"I hate carrots too," Sora stated.
"FOOL!" Excalibur said again, "You must eat everything given, regardless of personal likes or dislikes. Never say something as selfish as 'I hate carrots' again."
"But you just said-" Riku began.
"Thus brings us to Number 778! Never mail your mail without proper postage," Excalibur explained, "FOOL!" He suddenly shoved his cane into Riku's face.
"I didn't even say anything!" Riku protested.
"Number 667," Excalibur said, "You must praise me at all times. Now that just about covers the 1000 provisions."
The Keyblade Masters breathed a sigh of relief.
"One last thing," the Holy Sword said, "Number 452. My 5-hour story telling session is absolutely mandatory. I look forward to your participation. Now… You have been chosen."
Excalibur turned back into a radiant sword and floated above them.
"It shall all be yours!" he declared, "Victory! Glory!"
"Victory!" Sora echoed, mystified as he reached for the hilt.
"Glory!" Riku breathed.
They both grasped the hilt and wings of golden light spread from either side of the blade.
"Now, we shall go forth!" Excalibur proclaimed, "Together!"
The glorious light suddenly died as Sora and Riku both stuck the blade back into the stone.
"Wait!" Excalibur protested, "What are you doing?"
"Who would want a sword like you?" Sora sneered.
"You'd just get in the way," Riku agreed.
The two boys began to walk away, not even looking back as Excalibur continued to call after them.
"Wait! I'll shorten the provisions to 800, as long as you participate in the storytelling session!"
"Tempting, but no thanks," Riku muttered.
"Bye, Holy Nutcase," Sora agreed.
A/N: Okay, to be honest, I mostly focused on Excalibur and not on keeping Sora and Riku in character. However, I think I overdid the 'FOOLS!' thing.
Well, if you guys liked that, let me know! I've been thinking about writing something similar for Roxas and/or Axel, or maybe Xemnas. Maybe I'll write a one-shot about Excalibur just wandering around the castle, trying to find a worthy master. Let me know what you think.