I was breathless. At my conscious' realization of this, I felt like that was the biggest understatement in my life. Well, it was the second largest. The first was something so true it ached my chest to think about it with acceptance.
My love for him, was underrated.
It took this very morning to come toe-to-toe with that. In the biting cold of January, the piling snow of winter, I saw him, wholesomely, and knew that there could be no other.
The good news; I had a heart. I had emotions, and they held a strength I never knew I even had inside myself. The bad news; he was going to take it all away. And of all places to do it. . .
I placed my hand to my chest, feeling as it rose with irregularity. My ears, nose, and lungs burned, nipped by the chill of dawn. The sun tentatively broke the night as if the massive burning thing itself feared this very moment, like everything else around us did. the freeway sounded with cars in a far distance, completely unawares.
The sky was filling with a warm rosy color as the golden core peeked upon the horizon, just touching the earth with a flavor of morning.
Mounds of virgin snow rose from the ground by several inches, instilling my feet in blank coldness. It kept record of those who trekked its terrain. Betwixt the roots of gray wood trees were litters of tiny prints, surely the mark of small creatures. But among those prints were those ten times their size. His, and mine that followed.
There was a reason why people loved the winter. It was more than just being able to settle in a warm cabin in front of a hearth. It wasn't just about the gingerbread men and eggnog or evergreens that stored presents beneath its bristles.
Winter was the void of time. Everything blanketed by its snow, touched briefly with the flakes of cold powder, was instilled in this world of white. It was like living in a dream, and with the grace of fallen snow, the world softened.
But, as nurturing winter could be, it taught mankind many hard lessons; the world could be a cold place.
The calm of my lungs came gradually. The figure before me seemed to wait for this, because he stood silently, several paces afar.
I could tell from the sting alone that my nose, cheeks, and hard cartilage of my ears flared red. Everything around me seemed at ease once my breathing leveled, but, my heart pounded at my chest as though it wanted release.
"So, that's it?" The words fell out of my mouth before I could even form them inside.
He was still. flakes drifted upon the ends of his hair. It was as dark as it had ever been, curling in swoops, defying gravity. Snowflakes met their demise at the shoulders of his trench coat, absorbed by the dark fabric.
"You - - you're just, going to leave? Like that?"
Silence. It seared my sanity.
"Dammit Loki look at me! Look at me!" I lifted my foot and brought it down, smashing the bed of snow at my feet. My shouting bounced from the white terrain and breathed through the web of trees. This was the start of a disturbance. Ebony wings fluttered through brisk wind, carried overhead the writhing, naked branches. Squawks of laughter ensued.
At the fall of a feather, my eyes landed to catch his feet shift. Loki did a slow turn, briefly stopping at an angle, revealing only a fragment of his face and a single eye.
That sole optic sent a wave of uneasiness through me. My muscles tensed, supporting my legs that threatened to falter. Even now as we stood, somewhat facing each other, I could not for the life of me determine the pigment of them.
They reflected a shallow water blue, crystal in clarity, strong like diamond. Empty like the sky. Cool shields to protect his mind from outside intrusion. I could go on.
I stood the same. Fingers twitching at my sides, legs quavering. Mouth dry. Senses burning. What bravery did I have, really? I had managed to find my voice to demand his acknowledgement. What now?
He wouldn't speak, and so his memories did for him, talking a symphony of words I recalled so vividly it filled the air around me, muting the rumble of vehicles in the distance.
There was his voice of arrogance. There was bewilderment, disbelief, even traces of abashed ramblings and rants. There was my name. I found the way he spoke it to be something entrancing, even now as it came from the source of my mind. I focused on it until that was all there was as his stare engraved me with intolerance.
Chrissette. . .
I swallowed. Lathered my lips. The cold weather dried them again. "Look at me," My words came more clear, spaced carefully, and modest in timbre. The chanting ceased like a smothered flame.
It took him a moment, but he quietly obliged with a look on his face that deemed me ridiculous. Directly facing me his hands found his pockets.
I narrowed my eyes, brow creased. "Why are you doing this?" I wanted to be stronger than this. I wanted to be able to stare him in the face and not tremble. But I felt water form at the back of my eyes at his presence alone. No matter how much I endured this sort of affliction, I could never be capable of finding my own strength.
"I have not done anything," His voice filled the cold air, cutting through the chill like a sudden gust of heat. The edge in his tone warned me of his impatience.
"We're at square one again?" I felt something constrict at my throat. "Back to being ignorant strangers?"
His cupid's bow pinched as he pressed his lips together. "The only ignorant creature here is you." The calm was gone. "Go home, Chrissette. Return to your common living."
At his words he began to turn again, leaving me stricken. Common living? He said this as if he weren't co-existing in my common life just yesterday. As if all this time - -
I found myself talking to his back. "Weren't you the one admitting that you liked this, 'common living'?" My throat continued to tighten with the rise of my voice. "And now you expect that I watch as you go, without a word, and just, go home? Did anything matter to you at all? Did it?"
The man I addressed froze by his second step. However he kept his reserve. I swallowed again, digging further within for endurance. There was a breeze that agitated my eyes.
"Why are you doing this? Why now? Loki, stay. Please, talk to me."
I noticed the subtle shift of his shoulders as he went rigid. His head pivoted only slightly as though he had a mind to face me again but decided against it. I could picture his dark brows knitted together and lips pursed, because from the was his frame stood, he was processing something. Considering.
"There is nothing to talk about." Impatience.
"I - -" I glanced down. "I just don't understand. . ."
Loki barked a laugh, then pivoted again, throwing his arms out to expose his torso to the biting cold. "Am I supposed to help you rationalize, then?" My eyes lifted at the sound of his rash tone. His lips thinned with a dangerous grin, sharp at the edges.
"What further business do I have with you?" A hand overlaid his chest. "I am a king. I am a God. This planet has served its purpose as a brief re0 sidence, and that is all it will ever be until I have use of it again!"
I didn't noticed that my jaw hung open until he paused in his fit. There returned the Loki I met that time ago, with a hunger to overpower in his eyes. I had never really felt fear until now, as it seemed to root deep within myself from the very growl of his voice.
That grin twisted into a sneer. "You Midgardians. . . You asinine, feeble-minded people - -"
Me.
"You," It were as though he read my mind. "Are nothing more to me, than the pawn you were made to be."
Your kind were made to be ruled. I drew back. I could feel my throat closing the moment I wanted to speak out. His voice had never wavered. In fact it flared, rising with the likes of a fed flame. Though my chest grew heavy on my lungs from apprehension, I did not avoid his eyes.
Loki's figure stood upright, upper limbs falling to his side. The grimace fell from his visage, replaced by a flat line. His eyes eased, and I saw them study me. Our words were enveloped by the atmosphere and quiet remained a dominant factor.
My lips quavered. It seemed as though my body didn't want to goad him any further. After all the time passed I thought that he was different than what he used to be. This cold, desolate, destructive man, who only knew how to undermine those who he could control. I only thought he was just in pain, and in need of a friend. I thought so much of him. But now, as I stood here, facing him, it seemed the further I spoke the more he revealed to be fantasy.
"Nothing?" It was all I had to give. I could hardly speak anything past that. But inside that sole word I gave my all. Was it all just nothing? The moments shared were nothing? Exchanged secrets, nothing? My heart, me, nothing?
Loki knew me as well as I knew him, or at least what he feigned to be, and so I didn't worry that he wouldn't understand the depth of my question. He didn't even spare a nod. I saw his jaw set. "Nothing."
My voice quieted. Something hot barreled down my face and collected at my chin. "You're lying."
Loki's gaze admitted truth. For the briefest of moments his eyes lifted from his dull glare. A hint of anger recomposed his guise. He began to slowly angle his body away but his eyes remained in my direction. Behind them was something aching to be released, and it expressed itself through the flare his irises gave. But still, he locked it far away from my reach.
The sky had begun to soften in tone, that pink hue fading into blue as the sun grew confidence to ascend the horizon. A gust of wind sent the snow at Loki's feet in a flurry.
"Yes," He murmured, tone daft of menace. The snow whirled more forcefully, encircling his body like an intimate storm. The definition of his arms and legs blended with the violent flakes. What was left of him had been framed, his outer edges blazed with flaxen brilliance. He averted his eyes. "And, what of it?"
The funnel roared icily, and I quickly palmed my eyes as the cold blew in my direction. When I removed my hands, there was nothing. He was gone.
I searched around, hastily rubbing away what I recognized were tears at my face.
"Loki?" There were no footprints that partnered mine. The snow where he stood was untouched. I halted.
He lied. He left.
There wasn't a trace of him here. No prints. Not even his scent.
My knees met the bed of snow and I couldn't bother to acknowledge the cold impact. Anger kept my body hot, and tears escaped my lashes in clusters. Even as I rubbed them away, more emerged. A sob tore through me before I could choke it back, and gave way for the rest to follow through.
Things had gone to ruin so quickly that it shocked me to be where I was. Lain in the snow and alone. Loki's trace swept from sight. That final verse haunted my heart. It blackened my sensibility. How could I return to my life after that? He was so selfish to do this to me. Loki tore himself in my life and eroded what rationale I had, took my trust, and tarnished it.
I grew to believe in him and not doubt his promises. But now, what exactly was the truth? What were his lies? Was those last words just pity?
No. . . I knew him. I knew Loki. The way he looked at me, he had to be revealing some truth. Though still, there couldn't be a reason as to why he would go so far just to leave. I couldn't grasp it.
My mind clutched at sand. All I had were memories. I would have to settle with what was available to me.
If I was going to sort through the time spent, I would have to start at the very beginning.