Rory glanced out of her bedroom window and spotted the mail truck leaving her driveway. Quickly she placed the porn magazine she stole from her mother in her bed side table, threw a robe on and raced out the door. Today was the day the college acceptance letters were due. There was no worry in her sex starved brain about being accepted. It was just a matter of which prestigious college she would choose.
The gravel driveway hurt her feet as she ran to the mail box. Excitedly she reached in and withdrew a cache of letters. Quickly she scanned the envelopes, Electric bill, credit card bill; which she guilty stuck in her robe pocket so her mother wouldn't see it. Water bill and finally a fancy envelope with Harvard as the return address.
Ripping open the envelope she unwittingly tore the letter in half. Rory reached down and pieced the two halves of the letter together. Her eyes bulged and a sudden dryness took over her throat. The only words she could see were "With deepest regrets we could not admit you." Rory stopped reading there and let loose with a loud piercing scream. It was so loud and piercing her neighbor Babette's cat leapt up and died of a heart attack.
With trembling hands she ripped open the next envelope which was from Yale. There was no way Yale would turn her down. After all she was the granddaughter of noted alumni Richard Gilmore. Rory knew her grandfather was caught in the broom closet with one of his students when he was teaching a class at Yale, but that shouldn't matter. Her grandfather told her that since Asher had got it on with a young student, there was no reason why he shouldn't also. After all he wasn't going to let Asher out do him. Rory thought it was ironic that the girl in both cases was Paris. Briefly she wondered if her friend had granddaddy issues. But again Rory stared rejection in the face. Yale had turned her down. This time she let loose with an anguished wail that so startled Morey that he jerked up straight and banged his head on the low ceiling which knocked him out and caused him to roll off of Babette and crack his head on the floor. He died instantly. Briefly Rory wondered why Babette was running toward her house naked. It was amazing how fast she was and how many body parts all jiggled at the same time, but she had no time for that; there was another envelope to open. It was from the University of Connecticut, a surge of elation swept through her, she was accepted. Then she noticed the envelope was addressed to Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, her mother. With another loud scream that so startled the running Babette she fell into the fish pond and three carp left this world looking like flounders. Rory need coffee, she needed her mother, she need Luke so she took off running toward town with her robe flying behind her. Rory wondered why everyone was staring at her as she ran. It must be her blazing speed and her graceful manner of running. It was only when she stopped by the familiar looking car she realized she had nothing on but a robe. The keys were in the car. Her world had tuned on her. She would show them. Quickly she jumped behind the wheel started the car and took off with tires screeching and a cloud of exhaust fumes behind her. She skidded around the corner and was now on the road out of town. Rory watched the speedometer climb 30mph, 40 mph 45 mph, 47mph. The car was staining and shaking violently. There was a turn ahead. Quickly Rory stomped on the brake pedal. To her horror nothing happened. She could not make the turn. She was headed for a fence and behind the fence was a shed with a large compost/manure pile. Jerking the steering wheel hard she caused the car so slide and it turned around and crashed through the fence, missed the shed and crashed into the compost/manure pile. The back window was shattered and the evil mixture filled the back seat. Suddenly Rory heard horrible screams coming from the back seat. Frightened she bolted from the car. Her robe caught on the door and was ripped from her body. Running down the road a group of kindly old men stopped her and asked her what happened. Breathlessly she related her ordeal with the car, leaving out the part that she stole it. She was cold. Rory wondered why none of the kindly old men offered her a jacket.
Someone must have heard the noise and called the police. The cop gave her a blanket and took her statement and sat her in the squad car. Several minutes later he returned and asked her about the passenger in the back seat.
"What passenger." Rory asked wide eyed.
Curiously the cop looked at her. "The owner of the car; a Jess Mariano."
Rory now realized why the car had looked familiar. Being a Gilmore her next words were. "I need to call my lawyer."
A second ambulance was coming down the road. Rory was puzzled. The cop turned to her and related that the owner of the farm was trapped under the compost pile.
Rory watched as the rescue workers gently removed Jess from the back seat of the crashed car. There was a pitchfork stuck in his ass and he was yelling so loud it made Rory's ears hurt. She wished he would shut up and take it like a man. Then she watched a second man being laid on a stretcher. He was encased in hardening brown manure with a toilet seat around his neck. To her dismay it was Jackson. She found out later that he was pouring quickcrete for a slab and the force of the car knocked him, and the quickcrete into the outhouse where the quickcrete mixed with the fluids of the outhouse, set quickly, and Jackson was now encased in a smelly very hard block of brown.
One Week Later.
The powers of Stars Hollow decided to bring charges against Jess Mariano for endangering Rory and attempted murder of Jackson Bellville.
Jackson was seated in the rear of the courtroom in an environmental protection suit as a smelly brown fluid still oozed from his body. Jess was wheeled into the courtroom on his hospital bed. His rear end had become badly infected from the pitchfork wound and the compost/manure mixture. Jess was face down on the bed with a sling under his pelvic area to keep his infected rear from making contact with anything. Any covering at all brought great pain to Jess. So there he was in the sling with his bare salve covered rear for anyone to see and the only place he could look was down at the bed or to the side.
The hearing had started and all that was said was how he endangered Rory by not having good brakes in his car. With pleading eyes he turned to look at his uncle Luke. To his dismay his uncle was not showing any interest in the proceedings. All Luke was trying to do was look up Lorelai's skirt, which was way too tight and way too short to be sitting as she was sitting.
Finally the verdict was announced. Jess Mariano was guilty. Rory was the princess of Stars Hollow and could do no wrong and if he had properly maintained his vehicle Rory would not have been in danger. It didn't help his cause when his uncle Luke testified that Jess came home drunk and he tossed him out. This was why he was sleeping in the car. It was also his fault that Rory took his car, because he left the keys on the dashboard. The attempted murder charge against Jackson Bellville was dropped as it was discovered Jackson was cultivating five acres of high grade marijuana plants among his corn.
Jess was fined fifty thousand dollars for endangering the life of Rory Gilmore. If he couldn't pay he would have to work as a stock boy at Doose's market alongside Dean Forrester who was also forced to work there in chains, for the crime of also endangering Rory. Dean was late to pick her up and she got mad and stomped away and fell off the bridge into the lake and was attacked by a swan. The large white bird pecked Rory several times as she was floundering and screaming in two feet of water. The swan was captured and executed even though several wildlife experts testified that all the swan was trying to do was mate with Rory.
Maybe he and Dean could put aside their differences and concoct an escape plan. Also Dean had a tall good looking blonde hanging around him. Maybe she had a friend. Jess didn't really care what the friend looked like. Any girl but Rory.
The End