The Little Tree Incident
"My turn," Logan said. He took his bike and headed out on the trails. He exercised little of the caution that he advised to Remy and Bobby. He went off the trails and through the woods. He shot up, over several impossible obstacles and concentrated hard on trying to fly his bike through the air. Then, he took one risk too many. He landed wrong after a spinning flight and crashed. The bike spun out from beneath him, and he and the bike went over the edge of a ravine. Logan twisted himself in the air and prepared to break-fall as best he could, but he had been going so fast and was hurled so hard that he had little control. He bounced off a number of rocks, and several trees, feeling bones cracking in his chest. The combination of acceleration and gravity kept dragging him down the side of the rocky gorge. What finally brought him to a full stop was impalement on a broken sapling that pierced right through the side of his chest. Blood spurted out in gushes.
"Oh, Jesus," Logan thought as he drifted into unconsciousness. Remy and Bobby looked at one another with alarm as they heard the crash. They both ran toward it quickly. They saw Logan bleeding and unconscious with the ragged top of the sapling sticking out of his chest. They scrambled down the side of the ravine, slipping and sliding with little regard for their own safety.
"What de hell do we do?" Remy demanded of Bobby. "He's hurt, bad."
"I'd bet that his healing factor would take care of most of this," Bobby said with deep worry. "But I don't know what the hell to do about that tree through his chest."
Logan regained consciousness as his healing factor kicked in. The bones were knitting together, but he was none too comfortable with the tree through his chest. He looked up at Bobby and Remy.
"Pull me off this tree," he said quietly. "NOW." Remy shook his head.
"I don' t'ink dat's de best plan, mon ami," he said. He stripped off his jacket and put it around Wolverine's shoulders. "It's not usually a good idea to pull t'ings out of most people. I gonna start trying to cut dis damn t'ing you're on away from de ground." Remy got out a pocketknife and knelt on the ground beside Logan.
"Uh, Logan," Bobby said uneasily. "Shouldn't we get Hank here to help out?" Logan sighed deeply. He thought about it and shrugged.
"Yeah," he admitted. "God knows what damage it's doin' to my insides. Call for Hank." He shut his eyes. "That was called taking stupid, stupid risks."
"Yeah, I noticed," Remy had already yelled for Hank inside his head. "Bobby, go get a blanket out of de jeep. I don't know how Logan works, but any normal person would be going int' shock."
What's up, Remy? Hank's voice came up in his head.
Logan's sorta impaled on a tree, Hank. I'm cuttin' it loose, but I t'ink maybe you should supervise gettin' it out of him.
A TREE??????
Remy couldn't help himself. He started laughing at the aghast, horrified tone in Hank's mental voice. He felt Logan's hand come down on his head gently as he continued to cut away beneath him.
"Tell me what's so funny, Remy," Logan asked. Remy told him and Logan chuckled himself. "Have you explained it to him?"
"Told him it was just a little tree," Remy kept laughing helplessly as he sawed away at the sapling. "Oh, mon Dieu, Logan, I know dis isn't really funny, but…"
Logan's healing factor was rapidly stopping the flow of blood and he felt better with each passing minute. "It's funny enough, Rem," he chuckled.
Bobby was back with a blanket and with a small saw that he had found in the back of the jeep. He was amazed to find Remy laughing so hard and Logan chuckling with him. He put the blanket over Logan.
"Want to share the joke with me?" he proposed. Remy told him about his internal conversation with Hank and Bobby burst out laughing, too, as he handed the saw to Remy.
"Just a… little tree," Bobby chortled helplessly. Remy had Logan's tree free from the ground in seconds. He and Bobby helped him sit up.
"What… else… did… Hank… say?" Bobby gasped between gales of laughter.
"I told him… dat… Logan had lost control of his… bike… an he… told me dat… he t'ought dat all… t'ree of us had… done lost control… of our minds." Remy continued to laugh. "I'm sorry, Logan. I'm really sorry. He just sounded so exasperated." Remy helped to support Logan in a seated position. "Does it hurt, Wolvie?"
"Hurts like a sonovabitch," Logan said irritably, which for some reason had all three of them laughing again. None of them heard the blackbird land above the ravine.
"Hysteria," Hank commented as appeared at the top of the gorge. "I think all three of you are in a state of hysteria. Goddammit, Logan, what in the hell have you done to yourself?" Cable and Scott were right behind him with a stretcher.
"If you would just pull this damn little tree out of me, I think I'd be fine. My healing factor is working just swell."
"I'm not pulling any trees, big, little, or medium sized out of you until I get you home and get you x-rayed and we see what that tree is piercing inside you." Remy and Bobby were desperately trying to stop laughing for fear Hank would kill them. Hank ignored them and motioned the stretcher-bearers over. "We're going to carry you to the blackbird."
"I can walk," Logan protested.
"And you can damn well be carried," Scott said testily.
"On your side, Logan," Hank said calmly. "The side that doesn't have a little tree sticking out of it." Remy put his hand in his mouth and bit down hard. Bobby's eyes were streaming with tears of laughter.
"Could you, uh, children, manage to get the jeep and Logan's bike home? Do you think you could stop having hysterics long enough to manage that?" Hank asked acidly. Remy nodded unable to trust himself to speak for fear of going off into more gales of laughter. He and Bobby both contained themselves until they heard the blackbird take off. Remy then looked at Bobby with his eyes sparkling.
"Maybe, it was just a little tree, cause it was pining for the fjords," he suggested.
"It's not pining," Bobby gasped out. "It's perished and passed on. That tree is no more. It has… ceased to be… It is a late tree… If it hadn't been nailed… to Logan, it would have been pushing up daisies… It is an ex-tree." Bobby sank to his knees, laughing helplessly.
Remy sat down on the ground, laughing hysterically, "I'm not dead, yet," he gasped out. "I'm feeling better. Much better. Really."
"And it was just a little tree," Bobby fell over.
"And I'm not pullin'… any trees… out o' you, big, little, or medium sized…" Remy doubled over, chortling with glee.
"The side that… doesn't… have a little tree… sticking out of you," Bobby sputtered.
They both laughed helplessly for several minutes. "Oh," Remy protested. "My stomach hurts."
"But it was just a little tree," Bobby exclaimed again. He and Remy had a bad case of the giggles. They couldn't stop laughing.
**********
Later in the med lab:
The com unit chimed. Hank answered it.
"Dinner is ready," Jean announced. "And if I don't get out of this kitchen with these two maniacs soon, I'm probably going to kill the both of them."
"What have they been doing, Jeannie?" Logan asked with a chuckle.
"Arguing nonstop about the correct sequence of words to the blasted Lumberjack song."
In the background they heard Remy say merrily "That's not an argument. It's just a contradiction."
"Is not," Bobby proclaimed.
"Is, too." Remy countered.
"Is not."
"Is."
"Not. And your time is up. You only paid for the five minute argument."
"It wasn't an argument. It was just a contradiction."
"Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore. If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes." Hank and Logan were laughing helplessly.
"See," Jean said with deep exasperation.
"Tell them to go down the hall to the room for abuse," Logan called out from the bed.
"Good plan. Thanks, Logan," Bobby yelled. They heard a resounding thwack and a yelp of pain from Bobby. "She hit me with the cutting board!" he complained.
"I thought abuse sounded like a really good idea," Jean said grimly with a hint of a grin in her voice. "And don't, blast it, encourage them. Can you imagine what it would be like to be stuck in a kitchen for over an hour with John Cleese and Michael Palin wannabe's?"
Charles and Ororo looked deeply perplexed. Hank and Logan were laughing helplessly. "More Monty Python routines," Hank explained.
"Hey, Bobby, Remy," Logan called out. "It really was just a little tree." They heard both of them dissolve into gales of laughter.
"Thank you, Logan," Jean said acidly. "Now, they'll be even more useless. And if I hear one more syllable of that damn Lumberjack song, I'll go starkers."
Hank and Logan looked at one another with devilment lighting their eyes. Simultaneously they started singing,
"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. I wish I was a girlie, just like my dear mama."
"Yaaaargghhhh," Jean groaned. "Is this a testosterone related disease? If this keeps up at dinner, I'll start throwing food. And we're having spaghetti. Could make quite a mess. Signing off."
Charles and Ro were laughing by that time. "What is this material?" Charles demanded.
"Monty Python," Hank said again.
Copyright Diane 2002
Note: I didn't write this, but I make so many references to it in my writing and in real life that I felt I should post it.