A songfic for the song I can't live by Justin Gaurini.
Summary: Bella is dying and she pleads with Edward to turn her… will he be too late however?
"I'm dying anyway… just turn me… please Edward" Bella said, pleading once again for eternal damnation.
"No." I said simply. My answer was always the same. "I will not be the end of your life." We were lying on Bella's bed, with midnight long passed. My chin rested lightly on the top of Bella's head and my arms held her close to my chest.
"It isn't the end… it's really… just the beginning…" she exclaimed, the stubbornness of the old Bella showing through for a split second. "Anyway, you are my life now." She paused, to catch her breath.
Bella had been diagnosed with metastatic (stage four) melanoma, caused by the sixteen years harsh Arizonian sun that Bella had endured while she live with her mum in Phoenix. Carlisle said that the cancer had spread to her brain and lungs and that there was limited time left, a couple of months at the most. I had been searching for a cure but with no prevail. DTIC (dacarbazine) is the standard chemotherapy that is used by people with melanoma as advance as Bella's but she was adamant that she was to receive no treatment. Her idea of a cure was 'vampirism'.
She was determined to be cured that way but I couldn't do it. Not yet.
I was afraid. I was selfish and I knew it. I wanted her to remain human for as long as possible and I became cruel because of it. While she was suffering I was thinking of myself. I love her more than anything. I hurt her and yet she still stayed with me. She still loved me back.
"Bella, love, it's not time…" I muttered my excuse lamely. She pulled away from me and turned, looking me straight in the eyes.
"Not time? Edward… I don't have any time left!" she stopped and took a shaking breath. It wasn't good for her to get angry like this. "I could die right now… you don't know when or where…" she said in a morbidly calm voice. I froze. Bella's condition was getting worse everyday and I knew that there was limited time…
But hearing her say in such a calm way… it tore at me…
My cold, dead, unbeating heart twisted in pure agony. I wanted t end her pain but something in the back of my mind told me not to turn her quite yet.
"It's been two months since the diagnostic… Edward… I trust you completely and love you more than life itself… but… I just cannot go on like this…" she paused and took a deep and inhaled a deep and shuddering breath. "I won't ask you again… not after tonight… please turn me…" her voice was thick with longing and I yearned to comfort her, to answer her plea… but I couldn't… I was a sick and selfish bastard… I didn't deserve a girl like her…
"I… not yet Bella…" I said idiotically, and still my beautiful, understanding Bella nodded sadly and moved back to lie with me. Pulling my arm around her once more…
I brushed a piece of hair from her cheek and tucked it behind her ear. The beat of her heart increased at my touch and I smiled sadly, glad she couldn't see my face.
I would not let her die… could not… there had to be a way to save her… without resorting to the obvious solution of vampirism.
"What will you do if I do die?" she asked with a sense of forlorn curiosity.
"You won't die Bella…" I muttered
"Hypothetically then." I remained silent for a few minutes, thinking her question through.
"In Italy," I said softly "there is a coven. They are called the Volturi. They protect the secret of the vampires and are the equivalent of vampiric suicide." My explanation was short as I did not really want to go into the specifics tonight. Bella seemed to understand this and did not question me further on the topic. "I couldn't live without you…"
"It's kind of ironic really…" she said quietly
"What is?"
"Well… it's together for eternity either way, isn't it" she answered darkly, turning onto her side. I held her to my chest even tighter.
"Don't say that. I will not let you die. Will you please consider chemotherapy?"
"I don't want to die with toxins running through my blood" she argued softly.
"But yet you want me to turn you which requires exactly that…" I said stiffly.
"That's… that's different." She debated.
"How Bella? How is it different?" I asked, the volume of my voice rising with my anger.
"It… just is…" she concluded sleepily. I let out a frustrated sigh.
Lying in eachother's arms Bella soon fell asleep, her ragged breathing the only noise in her small room apart from the steady beat emanating from her heart.
She was my world… my love…
Another painful two weeks passed and Bella's condition became worse. She lost a lot of weight and she had no energy anymore.
Charlie, who was unaware of what I was, thought that Bella had given up on life… how could we explain that she had not given up on this one but set her eyes on another… he pleaded with Bella to receive medical treatment but she refused and because her eighteenth birthday had come and gone there was no way we could force her.
True to her words Bella did not ask to be turned again… I worried for her and pleaded with her to take medication but she would not listen to me or anyone else.
In a desperate attempt to find help for Bella I drove to Seattle to meet with a doctor of whom Carlisle had recommended. I left his office empty handed, my heart heavy with despair. He had told me what all the other professionals had…
There was no hope for someone with melanoma as advanced as Bella's…
"Alice?" I asked as I answered my ringing phone. I was standing out the front of the hospital, just having exited my meeting with the doctor.
"EDWARD! WHERE ARE YOU?" she screamed frantically into the phone. I could hear in her voice that she was crying.
"I'm outside Seattle General… what's happened?" I asked, frightened by the urgency in her voice.
"I saw it Edward… I SAW HER DIE! You need to get home immediately!" Alice screamed. We had all graduated a year ago and everyone had gone off to college. I had stayed behind to be with Bella…
"How long?" I waited for an answer but only heard a rustling sound, like the phone being passed. "HOW LONG, ALICE?"
"Edward, it's me" I heard Jasper say. For once his voice wasn't calm but panicked. I knew then that my chances weren't good… "She says it's soon… we'll try to contact the others… maybe one of them can make it in time… Edward?" he asked
"Yeah Jasper?" I answered, making my way to my car.
"We don't have much time… run as fast as you can…" he said and hung up.
Taking Jasper's advice started running at my full speed, not caring who saw. I made my way past the hundreds of cars in the hospital car park before coming to my own. I jumped in and then squealed onto the main road at top speed. I ran through red lights not caring about anything but getting back to Bella.
Please Bella… hold on… I'm coming… why didn't I turn you when you first asked? Please… I need you… I can't live… without you… life is meaningless without you here beside me…
I drove as fast as I could, dodging other cars and other obstacles that stood between Bella and myself…
Hold on Bella… I'm so close…
I reached the boundaries of forks forty five minutes later. I swerved onto the side of the road, leapt out, and started running. I pushed my body to its limit and kept it there, running as fast as my legs would allow.
About fifteen minutes from her house I heard her… but not her voice…
Her thoughts…
I slowed down and listened… surely I had imagined it… there was no way… but then I heard her again…
Edward… I love you… if only you were here… if you could hear me…
I CAN HEAR YOU! I wanted to yell back. I immediately started running again, faster than before. I felt my body start to tremble, the knot in my heart twisting tighter and tighter with every step
Not quite fast enough…I love you…
Don't you dare leave me! I thought back desperately
Together for eternity… her thoughts faded and I could no longer sense her…
Her house came into view and I pushed myself harder…
I leapt up to her window my usual entrance to her to her room…
There she lay…
On her bed as if fast asleep, a small smile played on her lips…
I fell to my knees and moaned softly…
No… please… not her… not now…
An eerie silence filled the room and I came to realise that Bella's rhythmic heart beat no longer filled the silence...
I crawled over to the side of her bed... it felt as though the walls were crumbling and the room was crashing down upon me...
I've killed her... kept circling my mind over and over again...
I felt the knot in my chest tighten...
"Bella..." I moaned painfully, "no... Please... not my Bella... no... NO!" I cried in anguish to the empty room.
I climbed onto Bella's bed and pulled her limp form towards me...
"Bella?" I asked, shaking her by the shoulders softly "Bella? Please... love... wake up!" I held her close to my chest, rocking gently backwards and forwards...
"No... Please Bella... I'm sorry... I'm here now... I love you... please don't leave me... I need you... I can't live without you... I was foolish... an idiot... please forgive me..." my futile pleas went unheard by Bella...
She was gone...
My shoulders shuddered with sobs, and my eyes ached for tears that would never be released...
I held her tighter to me still...
"I could hear you... your thoughts... I was too late... Bella... I love you so much... oh god... what have I done... please not my Bella... no... I can't live without her... please... I need her..." I cried out to the empty room once more. I kissed Bella's forehead and held her warm hand in mine...
I'm nothing... I don't... oh god... Bella... please...
I sobbed until the dull ache in my chest became too much and then I just curled up next to Bella, her hand still clasped in my own...
This is the end... without her... I can't live...
I brushed Bella's cheek with my fingertips... remembering her blush...
Forever lost were my moments with Bella...
It was over for me...
I died with her...
But my love for her lives on...
That will never die...
Together for eternity...