Destiny Awaits

by Pixar

Marie's fears are coming true, will it also affect Little Joe?

Rating: T

Summary: This story contains references to panic attacks.

Beta: Lynn...thank you!

Destiny Awaits

by Kaci

Marie hid in the attic, clutching a handkerchief in her hand, dabbing at the tears as they fell from her eyes. How many times could she go through this? Sobbing she tried to remain quiet so no one would hear her but today it was extremely hard. Shifting the chair aside, she pushed herself into the corner trying to make a small ball of herself as if she could contain her feelings.

That night at supper Marie laughed at her small son, he was such anadorable child. At five, Little Joe Cartwright had a mind of his own. He had stated very plainly that he would not be eating those ugly Brussels sprouts again. Marie had lifted her eyebrow, while Ben turned a stern eye to his youngest son. "Yes, you will." Ben pushed the plate closer to Joe.

"No...Papa, it's bad, very bad." Joe nodded his head up and down to make his point. Adam and Hoss were both grinning at their brother's antics. "Hop Sing don't eat em either." Joe turned to find his faithful companion standing in the doorway to the kitchen, "you don't like em do ya, Hop Sing?" All eyes turned to the poor hapless cook.

"I...they not Chinese food," Hop Sing hurriedly made an exit. Marie hid her laughter behind her napkin while the boys grinned.

"You are not Chinese, Little Joe." Ben placed a sprout on his fork and held it to Joe's mouth. "Eat." Joe's lips clenched together but he knew better than to defy his father outright. Joe bit into the sprout with a sour expression on his face...then he gagged, throwing up the sprout all over his plate.

"JOSEPH!"

"Ben, please, let me." Marie quickly picked up Little Joe and hurried upstairs with him in her arms. "Little Joe that was very naughty." She sat down on the bed setting Joe on her lap. "Do you still feel sick, Cherie?"

"No...Mama. Why does Papa do that? I don't like sprouts! They are ugly and they taste bad." Joe stuck his thumb in his mouth as he laid against his mother.

"I know...but Papa wants you to grow up big and strong, like Adam and Hoss." Marie hated Brussels sprouts so she felt she couldn't get that angry at her son. "Next time just try eating them, darling." Joe nodded but he had no intention of ever eating those ugly green things again.

Marie dressed Joe for bed tucking him in. With a kiss good night, she blew out the candle by the bed but left the door open in case Joe became afraid of the dark. She knew her bigger baby, Ben, would need consoling too. Laughing, she made her way to their room.

Marie watched out of her bedroom window as the boys worked at the barn. Ben had left for the day to go to Carson City to sign some papers. She wished that she could have gone with him, but Ben said he didn't have time to waste that day. Sighing, she turned to see herself in the mirror, how many times had she stared at herself, wondering if she was going to be like her Mother.

"Adam, grab it quicker when I get it up there!" Hoss yelled to his brother who stood in the loft door of the barn. It was hard work for an eleven year old to haul those bales of hay up that high, but he was proud he was so strong and able to help his Pa on the ranch.

"All right, let's get this done, we only have a few left to do." Adam turned as he watched his little brother standing behind him holding Sniffles his pet rabbit. "Joe, stay away from the opening, your Mama would be mad if she saw you up here."

"Okay, Adam." Joe smiled sitting down in the hay. "Sniffles, we're not supposed to get close to the door, Adam says so." Petting the rabbit he was soon lost in play.

"Adam! Catch it!" Adam turned back in time to grab the bale pulling it into the loft. The hook was firmly embedded in the hay, Adam took a pair of pliers twisting the wire open. Joe watched in awe at his brother's ability but he was too far away to see very well, putting down Sniffles he walked closer to the loft opening.

"Adam! Hurry up, let's get this done before Pa gets home." Hoss wiped his eyes with his sleeve of his shirt, then as he looked up he gasped aloud. "Joe, get away from the opening!"

Adam turned just as Joe took a step out into space, rushing over he made a grab for him, but missed. The little boy was hanging from the rope high in the air, laughing. "Joe, stay still, don't let go of that rope! Hoss, get under the rope, try to catch him if he falls!" Adam's heart was beating wildly, he ran over grabbing a hook hanging on the barn wall, hoping he could snag Joe's clothes bringing him closer.

"Adam!" Hoss screamed as Joe fell from the rope landing with a thud in Hoss's arms, both boys hit the ground hard, but Joe sat up with a smile on his face, "Wow, let's do that again, Hoss!"

Adam's face turned white with anger. "Little Joe, you are going to get the spanking of your life!" Rushing down the steps of the ladder he ran outside but Little Joe had already made for the house and the safety of his Mother. "Mama! Help me!"

Marie, hearing the yells outside opened the door in time to find herself with Little Joe trying to climb into her arms. "What's going on?"

"Mama, Adam is going to spank me, don't let him!" Joe hid his face against his mother, trembling from his brother's reaction.

Adam stood with a white face watching Marie hold his little brother. "Marie, he fell from the loft door of the barn, I told him not to go close to the edge! Where were you? We can't watch Joe all the time!" Adam bit his lip, his anger had taken over before he could stop the words.

"Adam, I'm sorry, I was busy, I'll watch Joe better in the future." He watched his stepmother turn and walk up the stairs taking Little Joe with her. Sighing, he knew he was going to be in big trouble talking to Marie like that. He had just been so scared.

"Adam, is Little Joe, okay?" Hoss, bless his heart, stood next to him with blood running down his face, from the fall.

"Here, let's get you cleaned up. Hop Sing!" Soon, the two boys were settled in the kitchen, eating a few cookies while Hop Sing cleaned Hoss' head.

"It be okay, just little cut." Hop Sing patted his number two boy on shoulder but he wanted to go and check on Missy Cartwright, she had been acting so strange, lately. Hop Sing hurried up the stairs but he couldn't find Marie or Little Joe in their rooms. "Missy Cartwright..."Hop Sing frowned then climbed the steps to the attic, "Missy Cartwright?" Pushing open the door, he saw Marie
sitting in the old rocking chair, rocking Little Joe whilst singing him a French lullaby.

"Shh...everything will be okay, darling, just go to sleep." Joe lay on her lap sitting quietly, used to his Mother's ways.

"Missy Cartwright, all right?" Hop Sing waited for a moment then spoke again, "Missy?"

Little Joe tugged on his Mother's arm. "Mama, Hop Sing wants you." Joe frowned then put his hand on his Mother's face. "Mama, Hop Sing wants you!" Joe said louder.

"What, oh, Hop Sing. We're fine...I was just calming Little Joe down, I will take him to his room." Marie smiled, set Joe on his feet and took him downstairs to his room. "You stay in your room, because that was very bad what you did at the barn, do you understand Little Joe?"

"Yes, Mama, I'm sorry." Shutting the door of the room, she stood incisively wondering if she had handled the situation correctly, but she wasn't going to let Adam spank Joe, that would have only made matters worse. Going into her room, she stared at herself in the mirror. Maybe she should see Doctor Martin...but she was afraid to, as she remembered her Mother.

Adam woke from a deep sleep, was that Marie crying? Getting up he opened the door quietly, peeking out into the hall. Marie was crying, but his Pa was talking too...what was going on? Picking up his robe he wrapped it around him making his way to his parents' bedroom door. "Pa, is everything all right?" The noise stopped at his question, then Ben barely opened the door, hiding Marie from Adam's sight.

"It's all right, go to bed, Adam." Ben's voice was curt then the door shut with a snap. Adam stood quietly for a few moments unsure of the cause of the crying, but finally turned back to his room, shutting the door firmly behind him. Laying that night in bed, he wondered if his father and stepmother were fighting...but they had seemed so happy that night, twisting in the sheets he finally let sleep overtake him, dreaming of his father caught in a spider web.

Everything seemed fine at breakfast, Marie seemed her usual happy self and his father was being indulgent toward her, which was a sure sign that his father was trying to make up for something. Living in a house with three men had unprepared him for Marie, but it hadn't taken long to see his father fall all over himself to please her.

"So, Little Joe, you are going to go with Mama today on a picnic." Ben smiled down at his youngest son, always amazed that this beautiful child was his. Not that Adam and Hoss hadn't been good looking children, but Joe looked like his Mother, who had been a belle of New Orleans. He knew his friends all thought that he was besotted with Marie...but he loved her deeply.

"Yes, Papa. We're going to ride our horses up to the Indian Rock." As usual Joe was playing with his food. "Mama says that real Indians live up there...and I'm going to look for arrowheads and feathers." Ben raised his eyebrows but didn't dispute the story...deciding a little embroidery was just Joe's innocence.

"That's fine, Little Joe. Now you mind your Mama, okay?" Ben tousled his curls and laughed softy with Marie. All was right in their world that morning.

"Joe, let's look for those arrowheads." Marie took her son's hand, leading him toward the rocks. They scouted around the area for a while then spread out in a circle to look in more places. Little Joe lost track of time and his Mother as he kept looking down at the ground. Tiring he sat down looking around for his Mama but he didn't see her. "Mama! Where are ya?" Little Joe headed back down
the trail calling every few minutes but Marie didn't answer him.

Marie had watched Joe searching and she smiled at his hunting skills. He would lift a big rock, look underneath, then drop the rock back down and head to the next one. The day was beautiful with white fluffy clouds in the sky...she had been happy all day. Sitting down on a large rock she let her mind drift...then a feeling she knew all too well took over. Her pulse started to race and she couldn't catch her breath...she was going to die...she just knew it. She couldn't control the terror that had overtaken her...she had to escape. Mounting her horse she struck him hard pushing to go as fast as she could... her horse raced across the pasture when his foot hit a gopher hole throwing him to the ground...Marie sailed high over his head...hitting the ground hard.

Joe's tears fell on his face but he kept wiping them away...where was Mama? He just kept walking searching for her...she had to be here...she wouldn't leave him. "Mama? Mama?"

Marie groaned as she moved slowly trying to get her bearings. A few feet away her horse Champ lay dead. "Champ!" Running over to him Marie fell to her knees hugging the horses' neck. "I'm sorry." Sobbing, she rested her head against the animal, feeling dreadful that she had caused his death. Sitting up she looked off into the distance wishing her husband would come to help her. Pushing her hair back off her face, she got to her feet starting to walk home when the memory of Little Joe looking for arrowheads hit her. "My God!" Marie started
running back toward Indian Rock, sobbing out loud. "Joe, Joe!" Tripping she fell on her skirt hem, hitting the sharp rocks, but nothing would stop her from saving her son. Staggering to her feet she set out again, only her baby in her thoughts.

"Pa, don't you think Marie and Joe should be home by now?" Adam had not liked the idea of Marie taking Joe that day. She had been acting strange for several days, and his father should have kept Joe at home with Hop Sing.

"It is getting late...maybe I'll ride out and meet them." Ben mounted Buck, riding toward Indian Rock, he was worried as well, but he didn't want Marie to feel he didn't trust her.

Joe's Story

Feeling the heat on my face I sat down in the dirt and fell asleep for a few minutes. Waking, I called for Mama, but I couldn't find her, she had disappeared and I was worried the Indians had captured her. I would have to save her but I couldn't find her. I hoped the Indians wouldn't tie my Mama up to the stake. Adam had read me a book about Indians and they were not always nice people...even the thought of my Mama in the hands of the Indians made me cry.

Pa would be mad at me if something happened to Mama and I wasn't there to save her. Pa always said it was a man's job to take care of women and I was the only man here, "Mama! Mama!" I had only taken a few steps when a shadow fell over me,

"Mama?" turning I found myself looking up into the eyes of an Indian man looking down on me. I backed away, "Stay away from me! I want my Mama!" I clenched my fists, deciding running wasn't an option. I ran toward the man hitting him as hard as I could, "Give back my Mama!" The man grabbed me by both arms raising me high in the air, staring into my eyes.

"What you want?"

I gritted my teeth. "My Mama. Did you tie her to a stake?" I kicked out at the man trying to get away.

"I have no Mama." The man set me back down on the ground. "You lose Mama?"

I nodded my head...I wasn't sure I trusted this Indian. "She is pretty and she has blonde hair and green eyes...see like mine!" I pointed to my eyes to make sure the Indian would understand me.

"Ah." The Indian looked around but he didn't see anyone. "Why you out here?"

"We came on a picnic, but Mama got lost." I was tired, scared and I wanted to go home, I needed my Pa to find my mother. "I want to go home." I wiped the tears away but they kept coming faster. "Help me." I leaned against the Indian's legs and burst into tears.

The man smiled picking me up in his arms, "I help you."

As soon as Ben was out of sight of the ranch he kicked Buck in the side to gallop quickly across the pasture. He was more worried than he let on to Adam. Marie had been acting strangely, as if you couldn't control herself or her emotions. He just didn't understand what was going on and Marie refused to tell him.

He pulled his horse up short as he saw the body of Champ laying on the ground. Jumping off his horse he hurried to Champ's side but found no trace of Marie or Little Joe. "MARIE! MARIE! JOE!" Ben bent down testing the horses' temperature and found he was already growing cold. Mounting Buck he hurried toward Indian Rock, where could they be and why would they be away from the horse?

Marie was exhausted she had finally dropped into a slow walk. She had no idea she had covered so much ground during that attack. God... why didn't he stop those attacks from happening! She was so happy now but the attacks had become relentless and she knew that just like her Mother she would end up in the insane asylum. Sobbing, she kept walking as memories of her Mother passed before her eyes. Her Mother would have crazy thoughts, thinking of dying, she would swoon as she struggled to breathe...and Marie remembered hiding in the room watching her mother's attacks. She knew what was in store for her if she couldn't stop them...Oh God...how would she ever be able to tell Ben the truth? And her biggest fear...would they affect Little Joe? Would he one day have to live with this disease of the mind?

Hearing a sound behind her she saw Ben riding toward her. "BEN!" Waving her hand she waited for him to reach her. "Thank God, we have to find Joe!"

"Marie, darling what happened?" Ben held his hand down to help lift Marie onto the back of his horse.

"Where's Joe?"

"He's at Indian Rock, we have to hurry he's been there a long time."

"Why isn't he with you?" Ben turned back to look at his wife's face and saw the grief of unhappiness pass over her face. "Tell me." Ben's heart was racing with fear.

"I left him." The words were spoken quietly but Ben pulled his horse to a halt. "What do you mean, you left him?"

"I couldn't help it Ben...I had to escape to run away, I was frightened." Marie bit her lip, the truth would have to come out.

Ben stared into his wife's eyes and felt like he was looking at a stranger. "How could you?" Ben galloped quickly afraid that his child might be in mortal danger. As they reached the rock he pulled his mount up quickly, an old Indian man stood before him, holding a sleeping Little Joe in his arms. Ben heard Marie breathing deeply behind him in terror.

Ben dismounted walking firmly to the Indian. "My son...may I have him?"

The Indian nodded and handed the little child to the father. "He okay...he very brave...but no good to leave child alone."

"I know...it was an accident." Ben started to turn away with Joe, then turned back to him, "Please come to the Ponderosa, I want you to have a reward for finding my son."

The old Indian smiled, "I will." The two men parted and Ben held Joe close to his chest...his child was alive and well, thanks to the old man. "Marie, hold Little Joe." Placing the child in her arms, he turned the horse and started walking back toward the Ponderosa. There were many questions to be answered.

Adam sat alone in the great room. He had already put his brothers to bed. When his father had arrived home with Little Joe and Marie he didn't understand what was going on. His father told him to feed, bathe and put Little Joe to bed for the night, then he had taken Marie's hand going straight to their room. A few loud voices had filtered downstairs but soon all was quiet. Adam steeple his
fingers lost in thought when he heard his father's voice coming down the stairs.

"Adam, I thought you would be in bed by now. Are the boys okay?"

"Yes, Pa. Joe was so tired he went right to sleep and Hoss is always ready for bed." Adam hesitated then decided to ask, "Is Marie all right?"

"Yes...though she had a few scary hours I must say. And...she lost Champ today, so you can imagine how upset she was."

"Champ? How awful, did they take a fall? I couldn't understand anything Joe was trying to tell me, but he mentioned Indians and tying his Mama to the stake!" Adam looked at his father perplexed.

"That Little Joe. No, Marie said she had fallen asleep and Little Joe had wandered away and she couldn't find him. I guess she had become a little hysterical and decided to come back to the ranch to get me, when Champ took the fall. It's a wonder she wasn't killed..." Ben gazed into the fireplace with the thought of losing the love of his life...it was unbearable. "Then, Little Joe came upon an old Indian man who took care of him..." Ben grinned, "of course he imagined the Indians were going to tie Marie to a stake, from that book you read
him."

"Oh...sorry Pa." Adam had listened to the story but it still didn't add up to him. "Marie was lucky that nothing happened to Little Joe while she was hurrying home."

"Goodness, yes. As it was she was knocked unconscious for awhile, but tomorrow she is seeing Doctor Martin. I insisted on that." Adam nodded glad his step mother was seeing someone...maybe they would be able to help her with her nerves. Excusing himself, he went to bed after checking on Little Joe, tucking him again, he leaned down and softly kissed his little brother's forehead.

The buckboard was not terribly comfortable as Marie and Ben bobbed up and down. Ben was going to retrieve supplies while Marie saw the doctor, it was easier if they could get all their duties done at once. "Marie, do you want me to go in with you to Doc Martins?" Ben glanced at his wife's face who was very pale. "NO!" At Ben's startled look, she said quietly, "I mean no, it might be a female thing..." At this Ben backed away...female things always tended to frighten him.

"All right, darling, after the visit, you come to the cafe and we'll have
dinner." They pulled up in front of the doctor's office, Ben helping Marie down from the buggy. "See you later." Ben left never once worrying about what the doctor might tell Marie.

Marie sucked in her breath...she was going to do this...she had to. Climbing the steps was like going to the guillotine. "Doctor Martin?" The office looked empty and she thought she might be reprieved when Paul Martin came in from the back of the room.

"Marie! How nice to see you? Are you feeling unwell?" Paul took a close look at his patient but she looked as beautiful as ever. That Ben Cartwright was a lucky man. "How can I help you? It isn't Joe is it?"

"Oh...Paul...not this time," she laughed. "I took a spill yesterday from a horse and Ben insisted I see you."

"Let's go into the examining room." Paul put his patient at ease and was soon taking her pulse and checking her heart. "You seem fine...how long were you unconscious during the accident?"

"I'm not sure...it was all so fast...my Champ fell and I went over his head."

"Are you having headaches?"

"No, nothing like that." The visit went on as usual while Marie was trying to work up her courage.

"Paul...there is one little thing."

"Yes?"

"I...lately, I have been very nervous. I feel my heart having palpitations and I feel so upset." She stopped, afraid to say to much.

"Really, let me listen to your heart again." Paul did another through exam but Marie's heart sounded fine.

"There is nothing wrong that I can detect. Is there anything else wrong?"

Marie couldn't bring herself to say the words...Ben would put her away, she would lose Little Joe...the thought was so horrible she would never see her child again.

"I think you need a vacation...why don't you go to San Francisco for a few weeks. The theater, clothes shops, it's probably people you need to see...this way of life is totally unlike your old one. I'll tell Ben, don't you worry, my dear." Marie smiled and let it go....this was for the best after all.

Little Joe stood before the mirror making faces at himself. He was with his Mama in San Francisco and he wanted to go home. He wasn't' sure why they were there but his Mama was so happy, she was going out every night with her friends. Sighing, Little Joe hated the outfit his Mama had dressed him in today. It was a green velvet suit with knickers...the latest style...his Mama said he was adorable! He wanted his jeans, boots and cowboy hat, he knew that Adam would
laugh at him in this outfit.

"Mama, when can we go home?" Little Joe went to her and leaned against her lap, looking up into her eyes.

"Soon, darling. Mama has an appointment today then we will go home on Thursday." She dreaded the day, she had asked discretely around for a doctor which might help her with her...problem. She had not had one episode since she had been in the City, maybe the doctor would give her good news.

"Papa misses me Mama and Hoss will be happy." Little Joe's eyes were shining with the thought of home. Joe's whole world was the Ponderosa, he couldn't imagine why anyone would want to live in San Francisco. Marie laughed, hugging her young son. "What about Adam? Don't you think he's missing you?"

"No...he's reading." Joe ran to the window to look outside, "let's go play today." They spent several hours that day going to the park then to a museum, but Little Joe was getting tired. Returning him to the hotel, she hired a maid to stay with him while she kept her appointment.

"So you see Miss Davis, there is not really much that can be done about your sister's illness." Marie nodded her head while her heart was racing in fear. She had pretended to be someone else, afraid it would get back to her family.

Standing, she thanked the doctor and accepted the medicine he prescribed for her sister...laudanum. "Now, whenever she has an attack tell her take a spoonful to calm her down, but she has to be careful because this can be addictive and too much can kill her."

"Doctor, what about her children, will they inherit this malady?" The words could barely escape her lips, the fear was almost more than she could bear.

"Well, there will be at least a fifty-fifty chance. We just don't understand the mind, my dear. Keep a close eye on the children...if it happens it's usually when they start to become an adult. Try to keep the children calm that helps sometimes."

Marie left the office walking down the street in a haze. Her poor little boy, was he going to be doomed to have the same fits she did? Yes, she needed to go home and talk to Ben...they had to protect Joe above all.

Marie and Joe arrived home on the stage to find Ben and the boys waiting for them. They were so happy to have them back that Marie kept telling herself it would be wrong to tell them the truth. A few days later, Marie felt another spell working on her...the same fear, the same dread, everything was always the same...it never lessened over time. She hurried to the attic shutting herself inside, pushing a chair up against the door. It would be an hour later before she let her self out of her self imposed exile. She would talk to Ben tonight.

The boys had retired for the night leaving only Marie and Ben together before the fire in the great room. Ben poured them both a glass of brandy, sitting down beside her on the settee. "I missed you, Marie...next time I will go with you to San Francisco, it's very romantic there." Ben kissed her sweetly on the cheek, then turned to the fire .

Marie smiled but inside she was quaking with fright. "Ben...I need to talk you about something very important." She could hear her voice squeaking as she rushed through her sentence.

Ben gave her a look of surprise, "What's the matter, Marie?"

Wringing her hands she said very quietly, "I saw a doctor while I was in San Francisco..."

"Marie what's wrong. Are you sick?" Ben turned gathering her into his arms. "What did the doctor say?" Ben's heart was racing with fear that Marie had contacted some horrible disease.

"Ben...wait, let me explain." Holding his hand tightly, she finally started. "When I was a little girl, my Mother became ill. The doctors didn't know exactly what was wrong with her...she would swoon, and her heart would race...it was very scary for me to see my Mother like that."

Ben paled as the story unfolded. "When I was ten she took a turn for the worst and my Mother..." Marie bit her lip hard..."my Mother was sent to an asylum." Opening her eyes she looked for encouragement from her husband but he was staring at her in horror! My God, she shouldn't have told him!

"I don't understand...what was wrong with your Mother...was she crazy?" The words came spontaneously without realizing how he would sound to his wife.

"I don't know!" Marie broke out in sobs, trying to catch her breath. "They don't know why she...what happened to her. She kept having feelings of intense fear and she couldn't control her emotions."

Ben drew back to study his wife's face. "What did the doctor say about you?"

Marie knew if she said the wrong words now she would be shamed for life. "He said...he said that I seemed to be fine...that I hadn't inherited the trait from her." The lie fell from her lips...she couldn't stand the look that Ben had worn on his face.

"Thank God...Marie you scared me, darling!" Hugging her hard he was so thankful all was well. "But, why did you go to the doctor to begin with?"

"I had a few women problems..." Ben put a finger over Marie's lips.

"Never mind, it's okay. Let's go to bed, darling." He pulled her off the settee, walking slowly to their room together...Ben breathed a sigh of relief...and Marie feeling as if she should scream.

Adam had been watching on the sidelines...his parents hadn't said anything to him, but he had been listening and eavesdropping to find out tidbits. Something was definitely the matter with Marie and he was going to talk to her about it.

The day was beautiful, Marie decided to take Little Joe out for a ride, his pony was dreadfully slow, but Marie loved watching him ride...he was going to be a natural born rider.

"Marie, can I talk to you for a moment?" Adam smiled up at his step mother, "Would it be okay if I went with you?" Ever since the last catastrophe he was afraid for Joe to be alone with her.

"Of course,Cherie. That will be fun won't it Little Joe?" Joe scowled but agreed to having Adam come along. He loved it best when just he and Mama went riding.

They had ridden down toward the lake and watched as Little Joe threw rocks into the water. Adam and Marie sat on the rocks under a shady tree by the water. "So, how was San Francisco, did you meet with your friends?"

"Oui, they were wonderful. Little Joe and I had such a good time. I wish..."

"What Marie...what do you wish?"

"Nothing...just a silly wish to live with lots of people again." Marie turned to her handsome stepson, "are you still seeing Ann Richardson? She's very pretty, Adam." Marie's cheeks dimpled as she kidded him.

"Yes, very pretty." Laughing he leaned back against the rock. "I have to go to college next year...I have no Time for love." Adam's eyes danced and sparkled.

"I see...but you will fine someone...maybe in Boston." They rested together comfortable in each other's presence. The day couldn't be nicer...when Marie felt the world tilt off center for her...the heart racing...difficulty catching her breath...fear...unknown terror gripped her...she tried to behave normally but it was almost too much to bear...

"Adam, excuse me." Marie jumped up and ran back towards the trees, she had to get away before she broke down in front of Adam. Adam watched the panic take over Marie, he thought she might be ill...but he couldn't leave Little Joe. Adam had finally decided to take Little Joe with him to search for her, when Marie returned, very pale.

"Marie, are you sick?"

"Yes...it must have been something I ate." They sat back down in silence, but Adam was going to talk to her even if it made her angry.

"Marie, I know something is wrong...won't you tell me? I promise not to speak to Pa or anyone else about it." Taking her hand he noticed how she was trembling.

Marie looked into hazel eyes that glowed intensely into her own. She took the first step toward help. "Adam...help me!" She broke out in sobs she couldn't control, as if the flood gates had opened, she fell into his arms as he held her tightly. "I want to talk about it but I'm so afraid...you mustn't tell Ben."

"Of course, I won't. Tell me." The story came out in starts and stops while Marie cried for the shame and helplessness she was feeling. Sniffing, she finally pulled herself together and took the chance of looking at Adam's face. She saw deep compassion and love enfold her. He didn't look like she was crazy or that it was hopeless. "Marie...I don't know anything about your affliction,
but I will find out...there must be someone that can help you and I am going to find them."

Marie through tears, smiled on Adam, "Thank you, Cherie, I couldn't bear it if Ben stopped loving me."

"Don't worry, he would never do that, he loves you deeply." Adam watched Little Joe playing as a thought occurred to him. "What about Joe ...is he safe from this illness?"

The pain seared through Marie..."I don't know...I know that he has a fifty-fifty chance of inheriting it. We must pray for him, Adam. The doctor said it would most likely happen as he enters adulthood, he has to be kept calm at all cost." Adam felt his heart lurch with terror for his little brother.

"Did the doctor say you should...I'm sorry if I'm indelicate...but should you have more children?"

"No..." The day waned as they made their way home...Marie with a lighter heart...and Adam trying to understand the consequences of these revelations. He would check in Carson City's library and make a journey to the doctors' there...to get their opinions.

Adam soon found out that no-one had any knowledge of Marie's problem. He had checked with both doctors in Carson City but they had told him it was a hopeless situation and they should commit the person to an asylum as soon as possible. Of course, Adam had not mentioned Marie's real name, but just said a friend's wife.
The library that had just been built had few medical books that dealt with the mind. Adam was clearly at a loss at how to help Marie.

Then there was Little Joe. If he inherited her disease the family would be devastated and would Joe be committed later in life? It would kill his father, but he was positive that his father would always keep Joe at home. He dreaded talking to Marie when he went home, how could he tell her that there was no good news? He would have to talk to his father first.

"Little Joe, Mama will be home soon so I want you to pick up all your toys then go out and feed the chickens." Ben smiled down at his son's mess in the great room, the room was covered with every toy Little Joe had. He had been playing quietly all morning while Ben worked on the books. Marie for some strange reason had taken herself off for a early morning ride, he couldn't imagine why she had to leave so fast, he would have gone with her if she had waited. Though the doctor had given her a clean bill of health in San Francisco, he had noticed how nervous she had been lately. He should talk to her again, maybe she was with child...

It didn't take Little Joe very long to clean the room...especially with Hop Sing's help, and a little bit of his own. "Thank you, Little Joe, out you go, feed the chickens."

"Pa, I have to get Martha fed first...or Henry will peck her. They don't like each other, Pa." Joe had names for all the chickens. His father just nodded and smiled as Joe the left the house still talking, he really didn't need an audience when he was alone, he had a vivid imagination.

Joe threw seed out of the pail, laughing as Martha pecked Henry hard, pushing and squawking to get her way. He heard a horse coming around the barn really fast and knew it had to be his Mama. "Mama!" Little Joe ran out in front of his mother's horse, who reared high in the air.

"Joe, get back!" Marie screamed in the air, but she lost her grip on the reins, the noise making the horse shy backwards, rearing up all the way on his hind feet, tossing Marie off to the side. Marie hit the ground hard knocking the breath out of her body...then realizing she couldn't move as Little Joe ran up to her. "MAMA!" Marie had lost feeling in her body as she stared at her son, realizing that she was dying...she whispered softly, 'I love you, darling." It was too soon...her baby needed her. A soft breath...and she was gone.

The house had settled down into a state of mourning. The boys all wore black clothes as a sign of respect for their Mama's loss. Little Joe had been on the verge of a complete breakdown, thinking he had caused his Mother's death. Ben had left to go to San Francisco leaving Adam to run the ranch and take care of the younger boys.

Adam had been stunned to find his step-mother dead when he had returned home that day, and while now Marie's illness would never be known, what was he to do with Joe? He had tried to talk to his father, but his father couldn't relate to anyone, finally just leaving the ranch.

Remembering Marie's admonition that Little Joe must be kept calm, Adam went out of his way, to hold, rock and sleep with his little brother. The child was so immersed in pain, that he clung to Adam as a safe anchor in a storm. Time passed and Ben returned but by then Adam had decided not to tell his father about
Little Joe. It might never occur...he might escape the illness and no good would be spent worrying about it. Life settled down again, Adam went to college, came home and started running the ranch. All was tranquil until Little Joe Cartwright turned fifteen years old.

Little Joe was on his way home from his friends house, when a strange feeling came over him...at first he felt confused...he didn't understand what was going on...then a burst of fear ran through his body...he kicked his horse, racing as fast as he could to get home...home to feel safe...home to his Pa.

Joe slowed his horse as he tried to get his bearings. After he had felt so afraid, it had stopped, just as quickly as it had started. He had rested for a while, then decided to go home. Maybe he was sick or something...that was the only thing it could be.

Taking his time in the barn, bedding Cochise down for the night, he pondered the situation...should he tell his Pa? If he did he would probably end up at Doc. Martins and he sure didn't want to see him. Better to just keep it to himself.

The Cartwright's settled down in front of the fireplace after dinner...the
roaring fire making the room warm and comforting. 'Little Joe, why were ya riding so fast this afternoon?" Hoss noticed too late that Joe was shooting him daggers with his eyes, so he ducked his head.

"Joe, were you racing home? "Ben's voice sounded a bit to stern.

"Pa...you see it was like this...I had a...well, you might say a feeling that you needed me urgently, so I hurried home." Joe gave him the innocent look that he had perfected over the years.

"I see...and why would I need you?"

"I guess...uh...you didn't?" Joe smiled attentively hoping for the best.

"NO...now the truth young man...you were out and wanted to ride Cochise really fast...against my wishes. I think you might need a little Time in your room over the weekend, so you'll remember that the next time."

"Pa...I promise that wasn't it, I have plans to camp with the guys this weekend, we've been planning it for weeks."

"Sorry, Joe." Ben went back to the newspaper while Joe decided whether to tell the truth or not."

"All right, this is going to sound crazy but I was afraid." Joe said the words quietly, embarrassed by the words.

"Short Shanks, what were ya afraid of?" Hoss turned to study his little brother, "was it them Regan boys? I'll pin their ears back if they are after ya."

"No, Hoss...it wasn't that."

Ben studied his son seeing how reluctant Joe was to talk about it. "Joe, tell us the truth...why were you afraid?" Ben was going to give him one more chance for the truth.

"I don't know! I was fine one minute and then the next I was terrified...it was like I didn't have any control of being afraid." Joe stopped, looking at his father and brother but both of them were looking at him like he was lying. "I knew you wouldn't believe me."

"Joseph, go to your room, honestly, the things you make up. Go!" Ben pointed toward the stairs, watching as Joe ran up the stairs and slammed the door to his room. "I don't where that boy gets these ideas...afraid, indeed."

Several hours passed while Ben worked at his desk, he had to get these contracts to Virginia City the next day. The front door opened and closed. "Adam? That you son?"

"Yeah, Pa." Adam tossed his hat on the credenza, "you didn't need to wait up for me " Adam poured himself a small glass of brandy.

"Oh, I had a lot of work to get through." Adam sat down in front of the desk to start asking questions about the contracts. About fifteen minutes later, Adam stood up, deciding he was tired enough to sleep. "Night, Pa. I guess Joe's really excited about this camping trip."

"He isn't going."

"What? Why not...that's all he's been talking about." Adam turned to his father for an explanation.

"He told Hoss and I the most incredible lie...all from getting caught racing in the pasture. It was just a silly story."

"Pa...that' not a good enough reason for Joe to stay home from camping."

"Adam, I won't countenance lying, you know that."

"What did Joe say?"

"Some nonsense about being afraid...afraid of what I ask? He doesn't know...just all at once...he said. That boy! Well, good night son." Ben turned making his ways to the stairs as Adam stood as still as stone. It had finally happened, the worry, the fear...it was here, now. Sitting down in his chair, he let his head fall into his hands...Marie, help me?

Adam had spent the night awake, worrying about his brother. The memory of Marie repeating over and over that Little Joe might have this affliction was a fifty-fifty chance, and he must be kept calm. How was he going to explain this to his Pa? He had prayed so hard for this not to come to pass and had bided his time...well it looked like his time was up.

The next morning, Adam carried the contracts to Virginia City, making plans to speak to Doc. Martin, after all it had been ten years since Marie's death maybe there were some new remedies now, that hadn't been recognized earlier. Entering the doctor's office he asked for some privacy to speak on a delicate matter. Paul Martin was surprised at Adam's manor but showed him into his office, shutting the door firmly behind him.

"Adam, what seems to be the matter? Is someone in the family ill?" He could see that Adam was nervous not exactly meeting his eyes.

"Paul what I have to say, I want to stay just between us?"

"Of course...what is it?"

"When Marie was alive she came to me...very upset...she had a problem that was...making her ill." Paul was trying to follow Adam's words...but he interrupted.

"Adam...I was her doctor at the time and I don't remember her being ill before her death."

"She kept it secret...she was ashamed of this illness. I tried to get her to tell Pa, but she just couldn't tell him."

"What was the illness?"

"She was having problems with her mind."

Paul stood up and looked out the window. "I had seen her shortly before she died...she was acting strange then...but I thought it was just boredom from being on the ranch."

"No...she told me that she had inherited from her mother a strange malady that caused her Mother to be put in an asylum."

"What? I can't imagine, Marie seemed so stable."

"She was...but the year before her death she started exhibiting the same symptoms as her Mother. She became deathly afraid for no reason...she would panic and couldn't breathe right. The symptoms were erratic, she hid in the attic so we wouldn't find out, praying for them to go away."

"My God, Adam...she never said a thing to me." Paul sat down completely surprised by Adam's narrative.

"Poor Marie."

"Yes...then she died."

"But, Adam, why are you bringing this up now after all these years?"

"Joe." The one word said it all and Paul sucked in his breath.

"Have you told your father?" Paul hurried to the bookcases pulling out books on the brain.

"No...but yesterday, I believe Joe had his first spell." The two men looked at each other knowing that Ben Cartwright would never be able to accept that his youngest son might lose his mind.

Adam rode home with the knowledge that there were no new views on the subject. Paul had gone through all his books to find anything that might help, but they were of the opinion that the spells would worsen until the patient should be committed. Adam remarked that Marie said she had been told if Joe could be kept calm and under control that might help. Since Paul had no idea if this was true they decided to enlist the aid of Ben and Hoss to keep Joe on an even keel.

Adam arrived home about four that afternoon. He had an idea and wanted to get his Pa and Hoss to go along with him, to do this he needed to get Little Joe off on that camping trip. Sighing, he decided to tackle his father. "Pa...I need to talk to you tonight, it's important."

"Is something urgent, Adam?" Ben could see the frown lines on his son's face.

"Yes...I have a favor to ask you...and I hope you'll grant it and then tonight I will explain everything."

"What is the favor?"

"I want Joe to go camping with his friends."

"Adam, Little Joe is under restrictions, I'm sure it won't matter if he is
here."

"Pa, it very important that Little Joe does not hear the conversation tonight. Please take my word for it." Adam touched his father's arm, the need to feel the love of his father now very important to him. Ben tried to read Adam's mind, but finally nodded his head.

"Tell your brother." Adam excused himself taking the stairs two at a time, a few minutes later, Ben heard Little Joe yell in happiness about the trip. Tonight Adam would have some explaining to do.

As Adam finished telling the story of Marie he couldn't help but feel extremely worried about his father. Ben had listened attentively to his story then had not said a word. What was running through his fathers' mind?

Ben was trying to come to terms with the horror of Marie's life. How had he not realized things had been happening to her. How was that possible? She was his wife, his companion and his lover...and he had been blind to her distress at the most crucial time of her life.

"Adam, I think you must be mistaken...she seemed fine to me...she wasn't upset or nervous." Ben wiped his eyes then went to pourhimself a brandy. "It's not true." Ben refused to believe this outlandish story.

"Pa...it is true, you have to believe me!" Adam spoke to his brother, "Don't you remember Hoss how strange Marie was acting then...disappearing somewhere for hours at a time?'

"No, Adam...I don't remember that and I think it's awful coming to Pa now after all this time to tell him these things." Hoss was wringing his hands...Marie had been like an Angel to him...and he didn't believe it either.

"Stop...both of you!" Ben said gruffly. "Adam...Hoss is right, why tell me this now...to just make me feel guilty?"

"Pa...no! Both of you are just reacting to the news, but you're not listening to me!" Adam sat back in the blue chair, sighing. "I would have never told either one of you, but we have a major problem."

"What problem...Adam this is all to much for me to take in...you telling me my wife was going to go crazy? That I really didn't know her? I can't take in anymore right now!" Ben swallowed his drink knocking it back all at once. "I'm going to bed."

Pa...you have to listen...I'm not through." Ben hesitated with the words but his heart was breaking.

"What else, Adam." Ben felt weary in his bones...he finally sat down in the red chair. "Tell me."

"Pa..." he found it hard to continue ..."Pa...we have to worry about Joe now." The words had no more escaped his lips than his father flew into a rage.

"JOE! There is nothing wrong with Joe! How dare you suggest such a thing to me...Joe is normal, he's fine!"

"Adam, that was a low down skunk thing to say! Little Joe is fine...he's not crazy!" Hoss had tears running down his face, this conversation had turned into a nightmare.

"Hoss, Pa...both of you have to calm down and listen to me! We have to take care of Joe so nothing happens to him. I need both of you to support me in this."

Hoss and Ben looked into each other's eyes, but they both sat back down.

"Now...Joe is in danger of Marie's illness...he's had one attack all ready."

"What attack, Joe is fine, Adam." Hoss couldn't make sense of this whole thing. Little Joe was his best friend and he would have seen him get sick. "Little Joe ain't been sick at all."

"Hoss, it's not that kind of sickness. Remember last night he came home and told you that he had been afraid? All at once he said...then the feeling passed. That's what is it like. Fear. Crippling intense fear for your life, Marie said sometimes the spells pass quickly but at other times they stay with you, coming and going. Even though you know they are not going to hurt you, it's doesn't make any difference, because you lose the ability to reason it out."

Ben had been listening carefully but there was one thing he was certain of. "Little Joe is not going to be sent away, Adam. Never!" Adam could read the look of anger but certainty in his father's eyes.

"Of course not Pa...no one would want that. Look, I have talked to several doctors, here with Doc. Martin and in Boston with doctors there. No one knows why these spells occur...or what will stop them. But, Marie told me that if a person stays as calm as possible they have a good chance of dealing with them. There was no hope for Marie...but between us we can keep Little Joe safe. And Doc. Martin says that they might disappear as he gets older. "

"What should we do?" The hopeless sound of his father's strained voice made Adam want to weep.

"Be supportive...try to stay calm while we are dealing with him...keep our temper under control and the most important thing...love him like we always have." The three men sat for a long time...discussing the possibilities of helping Joe...then they went to bed...but not to sleep. Each one trying to understand how this horrible thing could have happened to their happy go lucky Little Joe.

Joe's story:

I got home about eight that night, being extremely late. I knew my Pa was going to tan my britches hard, but the gang had been having so much fun at the lake I just couldn't leave before anyone else. I put Cochise away then took very small steps to the door, putting my ear next to it, to see if I could hear loud angry voices...but there was only silence. Opening the door I squeezed through tossing my hat on the credenza. I started to tiptoe to the stairs when I heard a loud humph!

My father and two brothers stared at me. "Little Joe, did you have a good time son?" My Pa asked genially. I have to admit I was flabbergasted at my Pa's tone of voice. I had expected the worse...turning I stared at my oldest brother Adam, who smiled at me, with an expression of concern. Hoss just stood there with a dumb look on his face of perpetual surprise.

"Pa...I can explain...the time just got away from us." Smiling, I turned to each of the adults in this house. They were each in their own way like three fathers. "I'm sorry..."

"Little Joe, we understand we've all been there, haven't' we boys?" At Adam's and Hoss' nod I knew that something had been going on before I returned home. My family was acting very strange.

"You're not mad at me?" I was quaking as I asked this question...but what the heck was going on?"

"Of course not...you run on upstairs now, we have a lot to do tomorrow." Pa hugged me very hard then Hoss swept me up in a bear hug...which only left Adam to smile sweetly at me. I have never understood Adam's sweet smile...it scared me more than anything he ever did to me. I was in for it tomorrow, I could just see which of the rank jobs they would give me. Saying goodnight, I hurried upstairs...where I had another surprise. My bed was turned down neatly and a fire was burning in the fireplace and a glass of water was on the bedside table. I sat down on the side of the bed to think about this. "Little Joe, you are in deep trouble."

The three men downstairs looked at each other...the first day was over...how many more days before a spell? They had all agreed to be calm with Little Joe no matter the circumstances. Sighing, they turned to walk upstairs to their beds...Ben was almost in tears as he saw his young son so happy and carefree...Hoss's tears had already started as he remembered a younger Little Joe following him around like a puppy and Adam, shut the door to his room, walked to desk where a medical book lay open and sat down to read for the tenth time what lay in store for Little Joe Cartwright.

Several weeks went past and it was if a new family had moved into the Ponderosa, as far as I was concerned. No matter what I did my family always understood, it will be all right, had turned into their favorite phrase. I was becoming a nervous wreck. I had ridden fast into the yard, a big no, no from my father...but my father had only smiled and shook his head...no screaming JOSEPH! at the top of his lungs. I had left the corral gate open and the horses all escaped, but my father had tousled my hair and said, "Well, let's round em up." I just don't understand what's going on.

Thank goodness for Hoss, he was acting more or less as usual, except when I decided to trick him by putting a bucket of water over the door. It had landed on his head...and I was getting ready to run for it, when Hoss just laughed and slapped me on the back. That was very strange, no, "Damgumit Little Joe, I'm gonna pound ya!"

I have saved the best for last...you guessed it, Adam. If there is one person I can count on to raise my hackles it's my oldest brother. Do this, do that...stop being so lazy, aren't you ever going to grow up? These and other similar remarks I heard everyday of my life but now he had completely stopped saying that. Now, he just sits and looks at me...as if waiting for something...but I don't know what! I have decided I must take matters into my own hands...I can't stand
this, I'm getting so nervous waiting for people to revert to themselves. They must have a plan...

Ben:

It has been a trial not reacting as I usually do. I had not realized how much I yelled at my youngest son. It seems like he is going out of his way to provoke me...but I stay as calm as possible although I don't know how long I can keep it up. Adam always gives me the 'look" when I start to lose my temper...save me from my oldest son.

Adam:

I have written to several medical colleges back East, but it is as if they have no knowledge of Little Joe's problem. I am at a loss...but the family is remaining calm.

That night after supper the family all sat around doing their usual things. Adam was reading, Ben working on the books, and Joe and Hoss had just finished a game of checkers, Joe hooting that he had won. Getting an apple Joe sat down on the settee watching the fire...that's when all the waiting stopped. He started feeling afraid...it was crazy but his heart was racing a million miles an
hour...he felt like something horrible was going to happen...jumping up from the settee, he turned around with a look of panic on his face..."Pa! Pa!" Ben looked up then sprang from the chair grabbing Little Joe in his arms, "Son...calm down. everything's all right, sit down." But Joe resisted him, he wanted to cry, scream, anything, just make this feeling stop. Adam held him tightly, pushing him to the chair. "Joe...look at me, you're all right..., Hoss get Joe a drink of water, quickly." Joe put his hands up to his face..feeling was receding...he was calming down...what had happened?

Time stood still in the great room, no one was sure what to say, or if the attack was over. Adam had never seen Marie's attacks...she had only told him about them...it was frightening. Joe drank his water, but he was still afraid, why did that happen? 'Pa...what...why did I feel like that?"

Ben was at a loss...it had scared him so much, he could hardly speak. He had no idea that an attack could come so quickly. Ben knelt down by Joe's chair, taking his hand, "Everything is okay, son. I'm right here."

Ben turned to Adam for help but Adam was just as amazed as the rest of the family. "Are you feeling all right, now?"

"Yes...I'm okay...but I don't understand...why was I so afraid all at once?" Joe hands shook holding the glass of water.

"Joe, can you tell me about it, what were thinking about before the spell?" Adam thought he needed more understanding of how Joe felt at the time.

"Spell? It was a spell? A spell is when someone is sick!" Joe pushed his family away getting to his feet.

"What is going on, all of you have been acting strangely for weeks. Am I sick?" Joe looked into his Pa's eyes, but his father’s eyes dropped, not holding his gaze. Hoss looked like he was going to cry so Joe turned to Adam. "Adam, what is it? Am I dying?"

"NO Joe! Nothing like that...it's only a...well, some children go through these things when they become men or women. That's all. It's going to be all right, nothing to worry about. I promise you...it won't hurt you."

Joe at fifteen still believed most of Adam's explanations. He was so smart, been to college, and he never lied to him. The stress started to leave him, making him tired. Joe sat back down..."Okay...it just scared me there for a minute. You should have mentioned this...I don't remember Hoss having these...spells." Little Joe looked over at his big brother, but Hoss had turned away from him.

"Hoss, did you have these spells?"

Adam gave Hoss a dark look daring him to deny it. "Sure...but I kept them to myself...mainly. I only had a couple." Hoss thought his tongue would fall off with the lie.

Joe:

It took me a while to figure out I had been lied too. I always believe Adam, so I wasn't suspicious or anything. What tipped the scales was my brother, Hoss. He kept avoiding me while working, even at dinner he wouldn't look at me even though Adam kept giving him dirty looks. So, I did the only thing possible. I got Hoss off to himself where I could break him down into pieces. I had years of practice having Hoss do just what I want. We were working on the west pasture fence, the cows kept getting into the other field and Pa was as mad as a peahen.

"Hoss, so you had these attacks too? They scare you like they did me?"

"Uh...yeah. Let's get this done, stop your jawin'." Hoss picked up another fence post...trying to get me to leave him alone.

"Hoss...I don't think you're telling me the truth. Do you swear on the Bible that you had those attacks?" I stared into my brothers big blue eyes but Hoss sat down on the ground putting his head in his hands.

"I lied Little Joe...I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie but Adam..."

My heart was racing with a strange fear..."why tell me that story? You know something don't ya?" Hoss nodded his head yes...but he didn't lift it. "I can't tell ya, Little Joe, Pa and Adam would be real mad at me. Don't make me tell ya."

Little Joe sat down by his brother putting his arm around him. "It's bad, isn't it?" At Hoss's nod, Joe drew a deep breath. "Am I real sick Hoss?"

"Sick?" Hoss lifted his head looking at his little brother...at fifteen Little Joe was a handsome boy, with his dark wavy hair and green eyes which usually had a sparkle shining in them. But now...they were swimming in tears. "You're not sick, Joe...at least, not exactly."

Joe felt like he was spinning in a tornado, sick but not sick. "Hoss, just tell me. No lies...no Adam or Pa. I want you tell me straight, you're my best friend...and I trust you to tell me the truth."

Hoss was literally wringing his hands...he didn't know what to do. Pa and Adam could be very fierce when crossed...but here was the baby of their family looking at him with trust he would do the right thing.
"Okay...now don't get all excited and run off when I tell ya? Promise me, Joe." Hoss held out his hand for a shake.

Joe put his hand in Hoss's hoping that would be able to keep his promise. "Tell me."

"Little Joe, I loved your Mama more than anything in the world. And she loved me and Adam and Pa. But, Joe, when you were born her green eyes were shining like she was an angel. She loved you more than the rest of us all put together. I'm not mad at that either, you were her baby...comin' out of her womb, so I don't want no bad talk about our Mama."

Joe couldn't figure out what his Mama had to do with this. "What does it have to with Mama, Hoss?"

"Well, when you were five your Mama started havin' these attacks." Joe paled at this remark. "And she would hide them from Pa...she was so afraid that Pa wouldn't understand. Apparently her Mama had these attacks too, it was a terrible time for your Grandma, Little Joe." Hoss couldn't help but peek at Joe's face to see how he was taking it. "Well...they locked up your Grandma for being...for those attacks."

"Locked up? You mean in an asylum don't ya, Hoss?"

"Yes...but she couldn't help it, Little Joe. Ya can't help nothing when it's to do with the brain." Joe didn't really understand what Hoss was talking about, but it didn't sound good. There was only one person that would have the answer...and that was where he was going this very minute.

"Hoss...you stay and fix the fence...I have to go and see Doc. Martin...I have to know the truth...you understand don't ya?" Hoss nodded his head but he knew his Pa was goin' to give him a real good lickin' for tellin' Joe.

Little Joe hugged his brother hard then vaulted onto his horse. "Just keep workin' Hoss, I'll be home later...there is no need to tell Pa or Adam, this is just between us. I trust you Hoss." Joe kicked his horse in the sides hard, he was going to Virginia City...

I rode Cochise hard to Virginia City, stopping only once to have a good cry while I held on to Cochise's neck..."Oh...Cooch...' he has always been a comfort to me. To think my mother had gone through this illness without anyone to help her made me extremely upset. I remounted and set off again, slowing down while I decided exactly what to do. My mind was in haze as I tried to figure out what
Hoss had told me. My Grandmother had been put away in an asylum and my Mother right before she died had these same attacks. Now, at fifteen years old I was having these attacks too. Would Pa put me away? Would Hoss and Adam inherit the Ponderosa without me? I sobbed but tried to hold it together...there might be nothing that anyone could do, then what would happen to me?

I tied up Cochise on the street, as I hurried inside to Doc. Martin. He had delivered me fifteen years ago, becoming a part of our family as it seems like I was always breaking something. Two broken arms, a broken wrist and one leg. He knew me really well...besides all the normal childhood ailments; mumps, measles and chicken pox.

"Joe, how are you!" Doc shook my hand happy to see me. "Are you sick, it looks like all your parts are working..." Doc laughed aloud at his own joke.

"Doc...I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes?" I must have looked really nervous because Paul showed me into an exam room pretty fast.

"What's the matter, Joe. Sit down on the table." Doc opened up the tongue depressor jar, pulling out a stick. "Let me see your throat."

"Doc...I'm not sick like that. This is something..." I was starting to sweat just thinking about my question.

"Doc, am I going crazy?"

"What?" I could see the doctor changing his attitude toward me. "Joe, tell me what this is about." Patting my hand he pulled up a chair and sat down to listen to me. He could see the tear tracks on my cheeks, but I had a feeling he all ready knew what I was going to say. It didn't take long to tell the story, how Adam and Pa made up a tale about my attack, but Hoss had told me the truth. My grandmother had been put in an asylum, my mother had attacks.

"I see, Joe. I have to tell you... I know something about this. Your brother Adam told me he was trying to find help for you. I'm sorry that you have inherited it from your Mother."

I wanted to cry and my eyes filled with tears. "I have had several attacks lately, Doc. Martin." I saw the fear enter his eyes...he shifted away from me. "I didn't understand what was going on, then Adam lied about it affecting me while I'm turning into a grownup. What is it Doc, am I going crazy?"

"Joe, I can't really tell you what is going on. We doctors just don't know enough about the mind. I think from what I've studied that these attacks could be only now...or they might continue all your life." A silence settled in the room. "They don't seem to be harmful to your body...that is the strange thing...if you can live with them, you'll probably be all right." It sounded like he was giving me a bit of hope but I wasn't sure I believed him.

"Thanks, Doc. I need to get home. I have to talk to Pa about what he wants to do with me." The heartbreak in my voice was too much for Doc. Martin, he pulled me into his arms, hugging me tight.

"Joe, you have to remember this isn't like you're crazy. It's as if your brain just goes on overload ever so often. You get over it quick...if you can just stay as calm as possible during the attack...you might just learn to live with them.'

"Thanks, Doc." I mounted Cochise with my soul feeling like it was destroyed. I hope Pa doesn't send me off to doctors back East. I would hate that. I would have to contain my feelings, it wouldn't do to give Pa and Adam ideas about sending me to an...asylum. I slowly rode home, knowing that Hoss rushed home to give my family the bad news. Hoss can never keep a secret.

Adam

When Hoss came home we knew immediately he had told Joe. I had been afraid of that. Well, we would have to cope with the outcome. At least Joe had gone to Doc. Martin...but I dreaded to learn what Doc. would have told him. Pa, Hoss and I waited in the great room in front of the fireplace. We had talked ourselves out...

The front door opened and Joe entered the room seeing his family waiting for him. Taking a deep breath, Little Joe sat down on the settee. "Pa, don't be mad at Hoss for telling me, I had to know." Hoss threw me a look of gratitude for trying to get him out of trouble.

"I'm not mad, Little Joe. I wish he hadn't but now we will all work together to help you combat this illness." Pa sat down next to me, taking my hand. "We love you a lot Joe. I never knew your Mother suffered from this illness, and I feel I let her down, because she
felt all alone."

"Mama...it wasn't her fault...no more than my Grandma's. Are you going to send me to an...asylum?" I barely said the words, they were so scary. I remembered the books Adam had read me about those places and the horrible things they did to people. "I can go away...please Pa don't send me there." I broke into sobs
while my Pa pulled me into his arms whispering words of comfort...but nothing more was said of the asylum...which left me afraid.

Joe:

When I went to bed that night I decided to keep all future attacks to myself. My Pa and Adam said I should talk about them, get it out in the open but I had seen their faces...and Doc Martins face when I talked about the attacks...no, the best way to cope with this is too keep quiet. I let my self fall back into my old life where I was happy without worries, I tried to pretend that nothing was wrong and I wasn't going to tell any of my friends...I knew better than that.

Pa had Adam and Hoss keep a better eye on me when we went places. They always seemed to be hovering over me and I resented it. If I felt okay I wanted to be left alone. Adam and I started arguing a lot, he would tell me the simplest things as if I didn't already know them...I wasn't stupid. Hoss...well, he would make sure he was there to fight my battles like I wasn't capable of fighting for myself. I keep thinking I should go away...run away...but where would a
fifteen year old boy go?

That day I was out checking the new calves and my mind started to wander...I was always amazed at how cows lived. One cow would stay with the babies while the others went off down the pasture, just like a babysitter. The cows would also hide their babies in the tall grass telling them to lay quietly and make no sound, so they were almost impossible to find when looking for them. They had a whole community set up...sometimes I felt guilty about killing them for food. Have you ever seen cows rush to their babies making sure they're all right? These strange thoughts would float through my mind and I wondered if I was the only one to ever think these thoughts? Was this a sign of how crazy I was to become?

The day was really hot when I felt the first stirrings of anxiety hit me. It came strong as always with a fear unlike anything I had known....I wanted to run...but where would I run too? I felt my breath quicken and I was so afraid...but this time I tried to get through it like Doc Martin suggested. I can't say it helped much...but soon the feeling left me...and I looked around to
make sure no one had seen me...the tears ran down my face...please make them stop. I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket.

I rode on down by the lake when another attack came...I jumped off Cochise, pulled off my boots and jumped into the water, swimming as fast as I could. A few minutes later the attack quit and I pulled myself from the water...what did this mean? Two attacks so close together? I laid back against the rocks and let the sun soak me in healing rays. I had to do something to stop these...but what? Maybe Pa didn't mention the asylum because he was leaving it as a last option in dealing with me.

Adam :

If there is one thing I know it is my little brother, Joe. He is pretending all is well...but I think that might be the best solution...so I keep watching him...hoping that the attacks will go away just like they had never occurred. He had ridden out to check the cows... I was so worried I went to check on him. At first everything seemed fine. He was just sitting there looking at them for a long time, I had just started to ride over to him, when I saw an attack hit him. I could tell by the look on his face that he was afraid...but it was not a long
attack and I breathed a sigh of relief. He rode off toward the Lake and I followed to talk to him, but I saw Little Joe jump off Cochise, take off his boots, and dive into the water, swimming strongly to the other side of the lake, where he pulled himself onto the rocks, laying there dripping wet in his clothes...another attack must have hit him. I watched until he swam back to my side of the lake and rode away, then I headed home to talk to Pa. We were going to have send him back East to a doctor...

Later that night:

"Joe, you're not going to the asylum I promise you son. Adam is only going to take you to Boston, to see a friend of his that's a doctor. The man is really nice...isn't that right, Adam?" Ben looked at his eldest son for support in trying to convince his little brother. He didn't want to send his son away, but after Adam had told him what happened at the Lake they couldn't afford to wait.

"Little Joe, we'll see the sites in Boston, maybe go to Philadelphia while we're at it. No one is going to hurt you. Do you think I would let anyone hurt my little brother?" Adam pulled Joe toward him, at Joe's age, Adam was still towering over him. "Look, we'll have a good time and we'll bring back presents
for Hoss and Pa. What do you say?" Adam looked down into green eyes that were still wet with tears but Joe did have a small smile. Hugging him hard, Adam looked over Joe's head into his father's eyes and nodded his head.

The trip started four days later. Pa and Hoss saw them off on the stagecoach to Reno where they would catch a train East. Joe was upset for a while but with all the new things he was seeing it made him excited. Pa had given them money for a first class trip and Adam decided they were going to enjoy it. They ate well,
slept on the train and Adam told Joe stories of the people they saw along the way. Joe so far had not had one attack which relieved Adam's mind. Maybe his friend Charles Edwards would be able to help him.

Arriving in Boston they took a carriage to the hotel, they were both exhausted from the trip. Adam had a light dinner brought to the room, then sent Little Joe straight to bed. Adam wrote out a telegram for his Pa and had the bell boy send it for him, then he too collapsed, just thankful the trip was over.

Joe:

I awoke early listening to all the strange noises outside the windows. I didn't want to go to the doctor I was having a good time with my older brother. Usually we fought, too far apart in ages to be very close, but now Adam was making the time to listen and understand me a little more than he had in the past.

I was trying to be brave today, the doctor was expecting us at ten that morning. The cab ride which had been so exciting yesterday was now taking me to a place I dreaded. Adam hopped out then took my hand leading me inside the imposing structure of a mansion. This was not what I was expecting. "Adam, why are we here? I thought I was going to a hospital."

"No, Joe. I should have told you. My friend is in private practice...his office his here at his home. You'll be fine I promise you." The butler answered the door showing them into the drawing room. A few minutes later a man stood in the doorway...a very handsome self confidant man.

"Adam! My friend it has been so long, it's nice to see you again." The man turned to me sizing me up. "And you are Little Joe? Is that right?"

"Yes, sir." I whispered quietly.

"Take a seat, please. Adam come with me for a few minutes then we'll be right back." The two men left the room and I looked around at the precious ornaments sitting on the mantle of the fireplace. The room was exquisite, I had learned that word from Adam.

"Excuse me, sir...is it all right for Mr. Jonas to wait in the room with you?" At my nod, the butler showed in a young man a little older than me. We looked at each other then we sat apart, pretending the other wasn't there. The butler entered the room carrying a tray of drinks. "Boys' would you like lemonade?' Both of us rose to take a glass then we broke into a smile. After the butler left we sat down near each other this time.

"My name is Little Joe Cartwright."

"Hi, I'm Teddy Jonas." There was silence for a minute then Teddy pulled some marbles out of his pocket.

"Look, my brother gave me these today, aren't they swell?" I nodded but I thought that Teddy was older, he was probably just big for his age like Hoss.

"How old are you Teddy?"

"Twenty."

I was taken aback, twenty was like Hoss, but this boy didn't act his age. "I have a brother Hoss that is twenty-one. Are you here to see Dr. Edwards?" I waited with a small touch of fear. "Is he nice to you?"
Teddy smiled but shook his head to say no, then looked out the window. That frightened me all the more.

"Little Joe?" Adam motioned for me to follow him to a back room down the hall. A large library filled with books and a desk with a chair on either side was waiting for me. Dr. Edwards stood straight and tall smiling at me, but now I stared into dark blue eyes that were like ice.

Dr. Edwards sat looking at me from across the desk. I knew he was thinking I looked nothing like Adam. There was no resemblance with our hair, eye, or size. Taking up his pen he started a chart on me. "Tell me about yourself, Little Joe."

I looked over at Adam with a frightened face. "Joe...tell Dr. Edwards your name, age and things like that." Adam tried to coax me into talking.

I nodded then turned toward the doctor, "My name is Joseph Cartwright, I'm almost sixteen years old and I live on the Ponderosa Ranch." I nervously recited the facts then glanced at Adam, to see if I had did it right. Adam nodded yes...with a small smile.

"Adam, why don't you let me talk to Little Joe on his own." A direct look sent Adam from the room but I felt my palms begin to sweat. "Now, Little Joe, how do you feel about your father?"

"My father...Pa is fine...I like him." I couldn't imagine why the doctor would ask that question.

"Really...are you sure of that? Don't you really resent him? Did he do something to you that made you angry? Did you retaliate by running away...then by pretending to have these spells?" The doctor quick fired his questions at me.

"No...No! I like my Pa...honest!" I sat forward on the chair, the questions were not right...why was that man asking questions like that?

"Is it Adam or your other brother you hate? Do you have to work too hard? Do they tease you or beat you? Come on Joe, you can tell me!" Doctor Edwards leaned forward staring into my wide green eyes..."tell me Little Joe."

I looked around the room suddenly afraid. "No..I didn't make up these spells, I didn't."

"Yes, you did...you wanted to go on a trip, didn't you? So Adam had to bring you to see a doctor. You lied didn't you, Little Joe...tell me the truth!" Doc Edwards slapped his palm against the desk, hard.

I jumped up, opened the door and ran down the hall toward the drawing room..."Adam,...Adam!" I grabbed my brother's arm. "I want to go home! I want to go home!" Adam held me I was shaking so hard, he looked over his head into his friend's eyes.

"What happened?"

"He grew upset when I was questioning him, don't let it worry you, these things usually happen on the first visit. Little Joe's just scared right now." The calm answer assured Adam that I was all right.

"It's okay, Little Joe...everything is fine...you have to be strong, Joe...the doctor didn't mean to scare you." I glanced back toward the doctor who was smiling at Adam.

"Listen, you take him back to the hotel and let him rest...tomorrow I want both of you to stay with me for a week, that way I can talk to Little Joe more easily. What do you say?" Adam nodded delighted his friend was taking a special interest in me. Shaking hands the two men stood by the door talking while I noticed Teddy still sitting over by the window.

"Teddy, maybe I'll see you tomorrow." I spoke quietly but I noticed Dr. Edwards looking at us.

"Teddy, go back to the exam room!" Teddy got up at once and left the room, leaving me with a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't like this man...I wanted my Pa...I wasn't a baby, but I knew my Pa wouldn't like this man
either.

Charles Edwards walked with Adam in the gardens behind his home. The air smelled sweet with honeysuckle. "So,Little Joe's mother, Marie, suffered from the same spells?"

"Yes, I didn't see them, but she told me what they were like. They sounded exactly like Joe's."

"I see." Charles walked quietly for a few minutes. "I'm afraid there isn't much we can do for Little Joe at this time. We have virtually no knowledge of the mind, your father must understand this. Yesterday, he became upset very easily when I questioned him...and I can tell he has been dreadfully spoilt."

"Charles, Little Joe is not spoilt. If you knew my father you would know that he would not put up with that for a minute. I admit he gets away with more things than I or my brother Hoss, did. But, he has to be strong to live where we do. It's a wild country." Adam frowned at his friend wondering if maybe Little Joe had been right last night, when he said that Doctor Edwards didn't like him.

"Of course you know him better than I do." Charles patted Adam on the shoulder heading back for the house. "Look, I have to be home for several days, I will talk to Little Joe as much as possible, I would also like to run a few tests on him. Can you visit other friends while he stays here?"

"I don't think I should leave him, I promised my father and Joe that I would always stay with him." Adam felt a strange reluctance about leaving his little brother all alone at the mansion.

" Then I will recommend another doctor for you, I have other patients to see that need me." Charles turned around and strode off leaving Adam standing alone. He was at a complete loss on how to handle the situation, his brother needed help..."Charles, wait! All right, I will leave tonight for five days." The men shook hands then departed the gardens, Charles to ready his equipment and Adam to tell Little Joe.

Adam sat in the carriage his mind on his young brother. When he had told Little Joe he was leaving to stay with friends for a few days he would never forget the look on Joe's face. He had expected tantrums or a rage but none of that had occurred. Really, it was worse because Joe just looked at him, saying very quietly, "You promised not to leave me, Adam. You told Pa that I was safe with
you."

"Little Joe, Charles will take extra care of you, it will be fine I promise
you." Adam sighed as Little Joe turned away from him, refusing to speak again. He felt so guilty, but Joe just didn't understand, he would forgive him when he got better.

Five days passed quickly and Adam was happy to arrive back at the mansion, even though it was so late. He paid the carriage driver and hurried to the front door, tapping the knocker on the door. Finally the butler answered the door with a look of surprise on his face..."yes,Sir, may I help you?"

"Yes, I'm here to see my brother, Joe, and Doctor Edwards." Adam kept trying to see behind the man but he was not budging from the door.

"I'm sorry, sir. Your brother is no longer with us."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your brother left with Doctor Edwards four days ago, I'm not sure when the doctor will return."

"But...where did they go? I was supposed to pick up my little brother today. Was Joe okay?" Adam's heart was racing with fear, where could Joe be?

"I have no knowledge of your brother's whereabouts' you'll have to wait until Doctor Edwards return." The butler tried to shut the door but Adam put his foot in the way.

"NO...I want my brother and I'm not leaving until I find him." Adam pushed past the butler running up the stairs calling Joe's name, "JOE! JOE!" Opening Joe's bedroom door he rushed inside to find the room empty of all Joe's things. "Joe!"

"Sir, I told you the boy left with the doctor. You will have to wait until they return. If you would like to spend the night I'm sure that will be fine, but tomorrow you will have to leave." The butler turned leaving Adam standing in fear...he had lost Little Joe.

Joe:

I sat on a bed in the small room staring at the mirror on the wall. I had studied myself time and again for some small clue to my life. I didn't look any different than I had before the attacks started...had my mother stared into her mirrors, too?

Doctor Edwards had taken me to this cabin in the woods. At first I hadn't understood what was going on, but all too soon I found myself tied to a chair, being cross examined by the doctor, until I had broke down and cried for him to stop. The doctor wanted to drive me into an attack so he could watch me like a bug in a jar. So far, the spell had not started, but how long would the doctor keep me here? Where was Adam?

The door opened and I looked across the room to see Dr. Edwards. The man was handsome, rich and a blackguard, as far as I was concerned. "Let me go...Adam will be searching for me."

"Adam, will never find you, Little Joe. As soon as you have a few attacks I can study, then you will leave."

"But, I don't know when I will have them! They come in their own time. Can't you understand that?" I choked on the words. "Please let me go." The doctor sighed but untied me. I immediately got up and stood near the wall.

"Soon. Now, I have a little something to give you." The doctor set the vials down on the table, pouring liquid into a glass. "This will help you, Joe." I backed up against the wall afraid of the medicine...the last time the liquid had burned my throat for minutes after I had drank it. "It's a new drug..." As the doctor walked toward me, I bit my lip and decided that I would try to rescue myself. Pushing away from the wall I ran at the doctor, hitting him as hard as I could, shoving him backwards. Doctor Edwards fell backwards strikinghis head against the bed post knocking himself out. I ran out the door and didn't look back...I was going home.

It seemed like I had run for miles but I finally stopped at a small stream, cupping my hands to hold water for a drink. I didn't have any idea where I was...or which way to go...but I started running again, I would find my way home to my Pa. Where was Adam? But would Adam take me back to his doctor friend again? No, I didn't need anyone, I was almost sixteen years old and I would find
my way home by myself.

Coming to a farmhouse I stopped and knocked on the door. A man answered, "Yes...what do you want?"

"I'm...I'm lost sir...could you tell me where I am..." I tried to hold the man's gaze but finally dropped my eyes...I was so hungry and tired.

The man opened the door, "Lost? Why, this is the road that runs to the train station. Are you catching the train?"

I felt hope for the first time, "Yes, I am. Thank you,Sir." I turned away to hurry down the road, I could get home by train...completely forgetting I didn't have any money.

The train station was close to the farm house, it lay in a area surrounded by woods, the tracks disappearing around a bend in the trees. I noticed a few people waiting for the train, but I tried to stay by myself. I didn't want the doctor to find me. Going to the train masters window, I asked for a ticket to Nevada.

"Sonny, this here train ain't goin' to Nevada. It's going to Chicago, where you can catch another train. Now how many tickets do ya want?"

'One, sir" The man pulled a ticket book toward him opening it wide. "That will be eleven dollars."

"Oh..." I felt in my pockets but I didn't have any money, Adam always kept care of the finances of their trip.

" I don't have any, but my Pa will pay for it when I get there."

"No free rides, read the sign." I looked up and there was a sign saying exactly that. Sighing, I turned away wondering what I should do. Hopping down off the depot platform I headed down the tracks, maybe I should just keep walking. The day was hot so I pulled my shirt sleeves up my arms...then wiped my forehead.

"Hey, kid, what ya doin? Don't you know you can get run over by the train walking on the tracks?" The old man sat under the trees with a campfire blazing away.

"Oh...I guess so. I'm walking to Chicago." I hesitated but the old man looked harmless.

The old man bellowed in laughter, "well, how about having a bit of food first." I smiled sitting down by the old man. I was starving but waited patiently for the man to serve him. "Thank you." I dug into the food like I hadn't eaten in days. The old man sat watching me trying to figure out why a well to do kid, at least by my clothes, was walking to Chicago.

"Where's your home, boy?"

"Virginia City, Nevada. At least that's where it's close to. I live on a ranch called the Ponderosa."

"I see...well, you're a far piece from home, all right." The two sat and
finished the meal.

"That was wonderful...I was hungry. I guess I'd better start walking." I stood up sad to be leaving the man alone. "You be careful, okay?"

"Sure...but you're welcome to spend the night here with me and catch the train tomorrow to Chicago."

I looked longingly at the fire..."I don't have any money for a ticket."

"Shoot boy, don't ya know nothin'? We'll ride the freight car...course we have to be careful so the ticket master won't catch us. Now, you just sit here by the fire with me." I debated with myself but decided to take the old mans offer.

"Okay...I'm Little Joe Cartwright." I stuck out my hand to shake the man's hand.

"Howdy, there, boy. I'm Edgar Mason, nice to meet ya."I sat and listened to the old man's tall tales, which were varied and somewhat risque...but I finally fell asleep to the sound of the man's voice.

The old man smiled at the young man...he didn't look over fifteen or sixteen, he covered Joe up with his only blanket, it wouldn't hurt his old bones for a night.

Adam by this time was frantic. His friend had not returned home and he had no idea what had happened to Little Joe. He knew he should cable his father but he just couldn't admit to losing Joe. Finally, he resorted to brute force on the butler, shaking him by his collar to give him some real information. Adam found that Charles had a hunting lodge out in the woods and might be there. Armed with
this information, Adam set out immediately for the lodge, arriving that evening, unaware that Little Joe was only five miles away.

Knocking on the door, he waited a few minutes then entered the lodge. "Little Joe! Charles!" Since there was no answer he started going through the rooms where he found his friend unconscious on the floor of the bedroom. "Charles!" Picking him up he laid him on the bed. Pouring water from the pitcher into a bowl, he found a cloth to bathe his friend's face. "Charles...wake up." It took a few moments but soon Charles opened his eyes...staring into Adams' face.

"ADAM!" Charles rose from the pillow quickly, then grabbed his head at the back. "I hit my head." Adam helped him sit up then got him a glass of brandy.

"What happened? Where is my brother?"

"Little Joe?" Charles didn't think Adam would hurt him but he wasn't taking a chance. "Your brother hit me on the head...during one of his spells. He was acting crazy...I had no idea he was that dangerous."

"Joe hit you? I can't believe it. Where is he now?" Adam hurried through the house again calling his brother's name, "JOE! JOE!'" Hurrying back to his friend ," I can't find him anywhere, he must have run away! Why did you take him from your house to begin with?" Adam felt like decking his friend but held his temper.

"I thought he would feel more at home in the woods. How did I know he would go crazy. He needs to be committed immediately." Charles ranted in his anger.

"NO! I'm going to find him and take him home." Adam stormed out of the house, not sure which way to go. He mounted his horse heading for the nearest farm house to ask if they had seen a young boy out alone on the road. "Had Little Joe really lost his mind? How would he tell his father?"

JOE:

Joe slept better than he had in a week, rubbing his eyes he noticed that Mr. Mason was already awake. The dawn was just breaking and birds were singing in the trees...Joe felt a touch of home sickness for the Ponderosa but he tried to gather his senses for the long day ahead.

"Mr. Mason, good morning,"

"Morning, Little Joe." Mr. Mason started the campfire blazing again putting on a pot of coffee. "You an early bird, Joe?"

"No...Pa is always on me to get up in the mornings." I sat close to the fire rubbing my hands together. "It's chilly here in the mornings. What time do we leave today?"

"No tellin'. Whenever that train comes in we have to be ready to board her." Mr. Mason handed me a cup of coffee to drink. I took a sip then almost spat it out, but I finally swallowed it.

"Strong, uh?" Mr. Mason smiled kindly. "So, tell me why you're out here all alone, Joe."

"I can't..." I looked away in the distance afraid to tell the man that I was crazy.

"I see. It don't matter a bit, kid. We all have our secrets. Okay, here's a hunk of bread, swallow it down, we got to get ready." We doused the campfire and I straightened the area...I was used to camping, my father telling me never to leave trash behind me.

The old man watched Joe...he was a keeper all right.

Adam had spent the night at the lodge with Charles, there wasn't much else he could do at that time of night. Charles refused to discuss what had happened
between him and Joe, so Adam turned in for the night, ready to be up early. Yesterday, he hadn't found anyone that had seen Joe, so he was going to try a few more farmhouses that morning.

Luck was with him, the second house he stopped at a woman said her husband had talked about some boy walking down the road to the train, no, she didn't know what he looked like. Adam set off at once for the train station hoping to find Joe.

Joe:

Mason and I jumped on the freight car just as it was pulling out of the
station...I stood up in the car looking out the door that was half way pulled closed...I saw Adam standing on the platform looking around for me.

"ADAM! ADAM!" I went to jump but Edgar threw me back against the wall of the freight car.

"Stop it! You'll kill yourself, boy, the train is movin’ too fast!" Edgar stood in his way, but I just curled up on myself against the wall. "I'm sorry..."

A long time later, Edgar asked me a question, he couldn't stand the hurt look on my face any longer. "Tell me, Joe..."

I started speaking slowly at first but gathered speed as I spoke of my home on the Ponderosa and my family that lived with me. Then I stopped and looked at my new friend. "I'm crazy you know."

"Really...so am I, at least that's what my family says, for ridin’ the freight cars."

'No...I'm really crazy...just like my Mother and Grandmother. I didn't even know about it until this year."

"Well, how come they were crazy?"

"They had spells...now I have them. It started all at once...I was riding home one day and then I had this fear..." I would remember that day for the rest of my life.

"Fear...of what?"

"I don't know...that's why they might put me away. Adam brought me to a doctor out here to find a cure...but I don't think there is one. The doctor decided to experiment on me...I hit him and ran away." Joe said this with a touch of bravado.

"Nothing crazy about that, I would have done the same thing." The young boy and old man smiled at each other.

"Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nah...I've seen what you have before."

"What? Where did you see it?"

"A friend of mine had it...he would just turn pale white, extremely frightened then he wouldn't be able to breathe...it was plenty scary..."

"What happened, did he die?"

"Heck, no. He's fine...he's had it probably forty years now. He just kind of rides it out...it's not contagious or nothin', he wouldn't hurt a fly."

Joe's heart lightened, " He didn't have to be committed?"

"No, Robert is fine...there's nothing to worry about. You'll be fine." Edgar stopped talking when he saw me break into tears. "Here now, there's no reason to cry, boy." Edgar sat down beside me pulling me into his arms, letting me cry it out.

Adam was at a loss. The ticket master remembered the boy but said he had walked off down the tracks the day before. Adam mounted his horse waiting for the tail end of the train to pass. Calling out Joe's name ever so often, but it was like Little Joe had just disappeared. Getting off his horse he looked for signs that Joe might have been there and was lucky enough to find the campfire. It looked
like Joe's boots in the soft dirt, "JOE! JOE!" He wondered who the other boots belonged too, hoping the man would not hurt his kid brother. Adam sat down...all his logic wasn't going to save Joe...he had lost him...and he had to cable his father. Adam put his hand up to his eyes rubbing the tears away...

Edgar Mason couldn't get over the change in the boy. After telling him the story of Robert, it was like a light had started shining in Joe's eyes. The boy had hope again. "You mean to tell me that Doc Martin of yours didn't know about them spells?"

"No...my Mother hid the spells from him...then she was accidentally killed in a fall from her horse. Even Doctor Edwards...the man here...he didn't know much either."

"That is so strange...I thought it would be common knowledge, but I guess people try to keep it hidden cause they don't want people getting foolish notions in their heads...like your family did." Edgar looked into Joe's green eyes..."it won't always be easy, them spells, but you can handle it boy."

"I can...I know I can." Joe sat still then another question popped out. "Did Robert ever get use to them?"

"Nope, can't say he did. It's a strange disease...but you have to know in your heart you'll be all right, that will help you some." They settled down for the rest of the trip...I was going home...I would make it.

Adam sent the telegraph on it's way...his Pa would soon know that he had lost Little Joe. Sitting down in the telegraph office he decided to wait for an answer...he knew it would take quite a while...but he had to honor his father with his diligence. The answer came sooner than expected...his Pa must have been in town. '

Adam:
Find a Sheriff to help you search for Joe. Will leave home immediately to help you. I don't understand what has happened, keep strong.
Love,
Pa.
Joe:

Edgar and I had settled down in the freight car for the long distance. Something roused Edgar from sleep, looking over toward me he noticed I was looking out of the boxcar door. "Joe?" I turned to face him. "Hey, it's okay." Edgar got behind me starting to knead my shoulders helping with the tense muscles..."you're going to be okay, just breathe, Little Joe, breathe." The attack lasted about five
minutes then started winding down and Edgar could feel me relaxing against him.

I had been conscious of Edgar's help but he couldn't stop the attack. Is this what I had to look forward too for the rest of my life? What did he say about Robert? Forty years...my God. "Thanks Edgar, I think it helped with you being here."

"It does. We discovered very quickly if Robert had someone to help him realize it's a spell then it took less time for him to calm down." Edgar moved away from Little Joe to give him some space. "Breathe deeply, Joe, you'll be fine."

I did feel fine...from extreme terror to normal in a few minutes. I was at a loss on how to cope with this everyday, but I had to find a way...the alternative was too give into it...and asylum waited with my name on their list of patients. Finally, Chicago came into view, Edgar urging me to get ready to leave the car before we hit the railroad yards...the men with clubs would be beating anyone they caught riding free on the train.

Jumping off the train we started walking toward the busy streets of Chicago. I had been here before with my father...but now, it seemed like a different place. There was no grand hotel expecting them, no one to carry the luggage, "yes, Mr.Cartwright, right this way." "Edgar where do we stay?"

"There are some rooms down in the seedy section of town for fifty cents. We might room there...if my friend is out of town. We'll try his house first." I found the city very entertaining as we walked along.

"Edgar if you could loan me some money for a telegram I can wire my Pa for money."

"Oh...well, I only have a dollar, Joe. I'll ask Robert if he has any money."

"We're staying with Robert?" I wasn't so sure that was a good idea, but I couldn't explain my reasons even to myself.

"Yes, you'll like him." They walked for several miles when they came to an old brownstone tenement. "Just a minute." Edgar ran up the steps going inside the building. I stood around looking at all the children playing ball in the streets...when a ball hit me in the shoulder.

"Hey," I laughed. " Here you go." I tossed the ball back but the kids urged me to come and play and it only took a moment before I was in the thick of the street action.

Edgar and Robert looked out the window at the children when they saw Little Joe join them. "He seems fine now...but that attack was a bad one...do you mind him staying here with us?" "Of course not...I might be able to help him...but he has to realize there is no
cure." They watched Little Joe play for about ten minutes when Edgar decided to go get him. Robert watched the boy remembering how he had been at the first sign of his illness. Little Joe was a good looking lad... he would help him if he could.

I felt right at home with the two men, probably because I had been around ranch hands all my life. At first, I was unsure of Robert, but soon found that Edgar was right, there was nothing to be afraid of. Robert was just like anyone else. "Robert, do you think you could loan me enough money to wire my father for money?"

"Yes, if we hurry we can get a telegram off before they close. Come on." We all started off in a good mood, but soon I noticed that Robert always stayed on the inner side of the sidewalks. I didn't think much of it until Robert went out of his way to never move from that position. At the telegraph office, I wrote out a quick note unsure of what to say. After all I had more or less lost Adam.

Pa,
This is Little Joe and I'm in Chicago. Need money. Please reply, can't find
Adam. Send money.
Love,
Joe

"Joe, will your Pa have enough money to send you right away? We can look for a job for you ..." Robert was sure that I would be able to work quickly. He thought I seemed strong for a boy my age.
This was the first time that I had really thought about my friends. They were living off of very little money and taking care of a strange boy without one complaint. I pulled the paper back to me adding another line.

Pa,
This is Little Joe and I'm in Chicago. Need money. Please reply, cant' find
Adam. Send money, enough for three.
Love,
Joe

"Joe, what are you doing! Your Pa can't send that much money." Robert crossed off the last line..."you have to think of your Pa's pocketbook, Joe."

"But...you don't understand..." I tried to explain but both men just shook their heads at my extravagance, pulling me away to find some where we could all eat for fifty cents.

It wasn't long before I had adapted to the city, my friends acted like I was an adult and treated me accordingly. I had still not heard from my father, so I went to work helping to construct some of the new buildings downtown. I was young and healthy and I enjoyed working with the men. I started running around with two of them, John and Mark. Everything was a new experience for me and I loved it. I had grown a couple of inches since I had been away from the ranch
and had to splurge on a pair of pants and shirt, with some money that I had earned.

I telegraphed my father again expecting an answer but still had not received one, maybe my Pa was glad to get rid of me...I bit my lip and tried to keep this fear to myself.

Living with Robert and seeing him have an attack was an experience. I saw the man's face turn to fear...his breathing became fast...I knew exactly how he felt...that was how I appeared to others. But...I also saw how Robert dealt with the attack. He tried to stay as calm as possible even during the worst
moments...until he could control his mind. I knew that the next time I had a spell I would try the same things. Talking with Robert I found that some people only had a few attacks and then they stopped. Or they would be absent for years then have would have one. No one understood them...and everyone's was different.

"Robert, why don't the doctors understand this affliction?"

"Joe, unless doctors can tell you positively why you are acting the way you do, they will not give an opinion on this condition. They really don't understand the mind...so I'm afraid it will take many years to even give directions as simple as I'm giving you."

A tap on the door that night was a surprise. I had received a telegram so I ran down to the office my heart beating fast...my Pa had finally answered me.

Little Joe,
Your Pa and family went East to find you. Stay there. I will try to notify your
Pa.
Roy

I hurried out of the office door then down the dark alley and leaned against the building letting the tears slide down my face...thank God...Pa was coming to get me.

Adam waited for his father with a dread he had never felt before. The train station was too crowded for them to speak so he took Hoss and his father back to his room at the hotel. They entered the room then Adam was swung around to face his father.

"Where is Joe? Why wasn't he with you at all times?" Ben's dark eyes stared into his son's eyes with a firm stare.

"Pa...you don't understand...the doctor wanted Joe to stay with him...I thought it would be all right."

"Oh...I thought this doctor was a great friend of yours. Adam it's almost a month since he has disappeared...I can't imagine what could be happening to Joe." Adam could feel his Pa's deep anger directed toward him.

" I don't know why it happened. Charles said they went to his hunting lodge in the woods and then Little Joe had a spell, he hit Charles over the head, knocking him unconscious. He must have run away then...he didn't know where I was...so I think he will try to find me here in the city. Don't you think I have regretted my actions? I love Little Joe, too Pa."

"My question Adam is why Little Joe was alone...didn't he object when you left him?"

Adam turned to the window unable to look his father in the eye. "Yes. He didn't want me to go, but the doctor said that Joe was so spoilt that if I stayed with him, he wouldn't be able to judge Joe's condition."

"So...you left him." Ben felt tired it had been a long trip and he was furious with his eldest son. "I have to go downstairs for a few minutes." Ben left the room so he would not lash out at his son...he was so worried about Joe. Joe was usually very reliant but with these spells, who knows what could happen to him and the boy was only fifteen years old, not even grown up yet, small for his age. Ben put in his head in his hands and prayed for his son.

The following days were long ones, each day Adam or Hoss would take a section of the city, trying to find a clue to Joe's whereabouts. Joe should have returned to the hotel he had stayed in before going to the doctor but he had never returned. They were organizing for another day, when a telegram arrived from Virginia City. Ben opened the envelope with shaking fingers.

Ben Cartwright

Joe contacted me. In Chicago, needs money.

Roy

"ADAM, HOSS! Joe's been found! In Chicago!"

Ben walked down the crowded street wondering how Joe had coped with all these people. Joe had been to Chicago once before but he had been quite young and probably didn't even remember it. The tenements all looked alike being in a poor section of town. Ben's heart raced to just imagine his youngest son in this city
by himself. Of course, how Joe ended up here would be a story all on it's own. How did he get the money to travel, how is he staying here without money for rent? The questions were endless. Had he had any spells while he was alone? Adam had told him that the doctor had been attacked by Joe, but he didn't believe it. Joe was not that kind of boy... spells or no.

Ben finally found number 882 and ran up the steps...excited about seeing his son. Knocking on the door, he waited impatiently, hearing someone inside the room. Knocking harder he was getting ready to break down the door, when it opened. A very tall man stood there with a smile on his face, who seemed delighted to see him.

"Hello...I'm looking for Joseph Cartwright."

"This is it! Come in, please." Ben hurried into the room but didn't see anyone else.

"Where is he?" Ben stared into the man's face trying to guess if the man was a swindler.

"Oh...he'll be right back...he ran down to get sandwiches...he was afraid you would be hungry." Robert motioned the angry man toward the sofa. "Please take a seat." The two men looked at each other...but silence reigned until the door opened and Little Joe walked into the room.

''PA!" I flew into my father's arms hugging him tight. "I missed you." Pa lifted my face up so he could get a good look at it.

"Little Joe, you look fine...how are you?" Pa tried to read between the lines but I was all smiles.

"I'm fine...Pa. Honest!" Pa laughed when I said the honest word...then he knew I meant it. He looked toward the door and saw another man standing there with a bag of food.

"OH...Pa, this is Edgar and of course you've met Robert." I motioned to both men..."Pa they saved me, without them I don't know what I would have done." I drew Edgar and Robert over toward my father. " They're good men, Pa."

With the ice broken Pa smiled and shook hands, thankful these men had helped me. "Thank you...I can't tell you what it means to me." I sat down next to Pa hanging onto his arm, afraid that if I let it go he would disappear from my life.

"Pa...why are you here? I couldn't find Adam...I'm sorry you had to make this trip for me." My words soothed my father.

"Joseph, you are never too much trouble. When I found out you were missing, Hoss and I came as soon as we could. But, Little Joe, why didn't you go back to the hotel?" Pa watched me drop my eyes.. "Tell me, Little Joe. Did you strike the doctor?"

I nodded my head, my fingers playing with the fringe on the sofa. "I didn't mean to Pa, really I didn't." The tears ran down my face but I felt my father hug me hard.

"Joe...it's all right...was it during your spell?" Pa asked softly.

"NO! I tried to get away from him and he trapped me back against the wall... Pa I didn't want to take any more of that medicine! I just couldn't." Sobbing I laid my head against my father's chest.

"Joe...Shh...son...everything's all right. What medicine are you talking about?"

"The bad medicine...it hurt my throat really bad...but the doctor didn't care.."

"Why didn't you refuse the medicine, Little Joe." Ben was trying to reason it out...but something wasn't making sense.

"I was tied to the chair...he forced it down my throat!"

"WHAT! HE TIED YOU TO A CHAIR?" Ben jumped to his feet taking Little Joe along with them. Holding his son's arms he shook him without realizing it. "That man laid hands on you?"

I nodded scared I had upset my father. "I'm sorry...I ran down the road and found a train station, but I didn't have any money to buy a ticket...so I walked down the tracks and that's when I met Edgar." I pointed to the older man. "He was having dinner by the tracks and he asked me to join him."

"Thank God." Pa gathered me next to his heart...the thought was terrifying, if Joe had not met these men. "So, Edgar paid your passage to Chicago?"

I bit my lip..."not exactly." At Pa's frown, I continued..." we hopped a freight car because Edgar didn't have any money either."

Pa rolled his eyes, but he had another question he wanted answer. "Joe...why didn't you go to Adam?...Your brother was frantic when he couldn't find you."

"Pa...Adam was angry with me..." at my father's look..."I mean...it was my fault but I didn't want him to leave me..." I looked away toward the window..."is he still mad?"

"Joe...Adam was not mad at you, son. He thought it would better for the doctor to treat you without him being there...he loves you, Little Joe."

"I was afraid...I asked him not to leave me." My heart still felt tender where my brother was concerned...Adam shouldn't have left me, I thought.

"I hope you can forgive him, Little Joe...but I will understand if it takes you a while. Adam was very wrong to have left you...we have had a 'talk' about that." At my nod...Pa let it go for a few minutes, turning to thank Edgar for saving me.

We were eating the sandwiches and I was munching happily when I felt the first stirrings of fear enfold me. I jumped up and stood still...unsure...

"Joe? son?." Pa tried to take me into his arms...but Robert led me to a sofa.

"Sit down, relax, everything is all right." Robert started kneading my
shoulders, talking to me softly encouraging me to breathe.

Pa went to get me away when Edgar forcefully grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

"Wait."

"Dear Adam,

I know you await news of Little Joe. As I sit here in our hotel room, I see Little Joe sleeping peacefully only a few feet away for me. His rest is like a balm to my heart...I was so terrified that we would not see Joseph again. He has been residing with two strange but very good men. Apparently your little brother has been on an adventure in a way. Doctor Edwards had been holding your brother against his will...giving him all sorts of experimental medicines. Edwards even tied Little Joe to a chair while he pushed the medicine into him! I do not believe this man should escape retribution from the authorities. I want you to go the law and find a means of bringing him to justice. How many dear children has he done this to? Hoss, Little Joe and I will wait for you here in Chicago for the next week. Please hurry as I want to get him home. Joe is in good spirits and he's been working!
Can you imagine as a construction worker? There has also been a gift from God, Adam. Though Joe stills suffers from the spells, the man that has been keeping him suffers from them too. He has taught
Little Joe a way to help with the spells. There should never be any talk of committing Little Joe again. He can live with this...it will be hard for
him...but it is not an illness that will change him. Thanks be to God for this miracle. I have told Joe you are sorry for leaving him with Doctor Edwards but I'm not sure Joe is ready to forgive you, yet. Be assured he will eventually. I do want to put our past discussion of your care of Little Joe, behind us. While I said very hard words to you I'm sure with time that you will realize I was very distraught over the disappearance of Little Joe. We wait for you so please hurry. Hoss sends his love and his ready to beat up Doctor Edwards over his care of Little Joe. It is a good thing he is with me for I would fear for Doctor Edwards life. I myself felt very aggrieved but I know that you will inform the authorities in Boston of the doctor's behavior.
Love,
Pa

Adam crushed the letter in his hand...how dare Charles lie about mistreating his little brother, then pretend it was Little Joe's fault. Adam opened the case laying on the bed...two pistols lay inside the red velvet lined box. It was time that Charles faced his worst nightmare.

--
Adam arrived at Charles house early the next morning, pounding on the door until the butler arrived.

"Sir...Doctor Edwards refuses to see you again, good day." As the butler shut the door Adam pushed hard throwing the butler back in the foyer.

"He will see me." Adam walked down the hall to the study, where Charles Edwards sat petrified. The two men looked at each other, then Adam pulled Charles to his feet and struck him hard across the face. "That's for the mistreatment of my little brother ."

Charles lifted a hand to his mouth wiping the blood away. "I didn't hurt your brother, he was a spoilt child who told you lies."

Adam smiled hitting Charles again. "Every time you utter a lie I am going to strike you."

Charles sat back down in his chair. "What do you want?"

"Your presence in the morning at six. The place I will leave to you."

"You can't be serious...I have never fired a gun."

"Tomorrow, Charles. I have already reported your shoddy practices to the police."

Charles was breathing hard...hate set the seal. "Meet me here in the back gardens...you will pay for this Adam." The two men glared at each other then Adam turned on his heel to leave Charles to pick up his life.

Adam sat behind the desk in his hotel room, he knew he should write his father a note...in case something happened but he wasn't going too. He was going to rid the world of a man that had lost all sense of self worth. But his memories refused to leave him...Charles and him at meetings, parties and traveling together. They had been good friends and he couldn't help the feeling of loss when he thought of him. Sighing, he sat back in the chair...he hoped that someday Little Joe would understand this whole time of turmoil.

The next morning Adam arrived on time walking to the back gardens carrying the case with the pistols, charged and ready. He hoped Charles had not involved anyone else in this duel. He stood calmly waiting patiently for his adversary when a sharp report echoed around him, he felt a stinging pain in his left arm...dropping the case he held his arm with a look of contempt on his face...so this is how Charles paid his dues.

Charles cringed at the mistake...he hadn't killed Adam now he would be a dead man. Running to his horse he mounted taking off at a gallop, hitting the horse until the horse revolted by bucking his master off. Charles hit the ground hard...breaking his neck.

Dear Pa,
I will not be able to join you in Chicago. Charles Edwards died in a horse riding accident this morning. I must speak to the authorities and straighten out the matter of his patients. I will return home as soon as I can. Give my love to Hoss and Joe...
Love,
Adam

Ben held the letter in his hand...sometimes it was better to let things work out on their own. God must have taken care of Charles first. Sending a telegram to Adam, Ben decided that matters were now settled. Thank God his son had nothing
to do with Charles death.

1859

Joe:

I continued to have the spells but they had grown less frequent. I had noticed after Miss Lotta Crabtree came to town that my father had stopped shouting all the time, and I knew the reason which absolutely sent me into giggles every time I thought of it.

We had arrived home early that morning, after I had spent the night out with Miss Crabtree. My father had read me the riot act and then, of all times, I had an 'attack'. My family quickly gathered around me and once I was better had sent me off to bed. Downstairs they remained talking so I went to the head of the staircase to listen while they ate breakfast. "Pa, have ya noticed that Joe'sattacks happen when he's really upset, or people are screaming...uh...I mean talking real loud around him? I know they happen at other times but...we have to
take that into consideration."

Adam nodded his head, "I think Hoss' is right. Loud speaking voices seem to upset him", at the look on his father's face, Adam tried again, " I mean I don't think you're talking real loud, Pa, but maybe we should all talk more civilly to each other."

Hop Sing standing in the doorway threw in his own words. "Yell, yell, yell, all time...too much noise. Humph!"

Ben smiled at his two sons but he was sure that they were right. "All right, no yelling...no loud noises...okay Hop Sing?" Hop Sing bowed then went back to the kitchen with a big smile. I laughed quietly upstairs then went back to bed...I would see if the legendary Ben Cartwright could talk without yelling.

First let me say that what happened in Boston was never discussed at home. We never spoke of Doctor Edwards after Adam returned. He was gone over a month before he arrived on the Ponderosa. I never knew what happened except that the doctor had an accident of some kind. Adam didn't want to talk about it so the subject was glossed over. Truly, I love my brother...but I never understood why
he had left me with that Doctor. Now many years later I know...it would have made such a difference if the truth had been spoken then.

I open my journal to add the entries I have put off for so long. A pen is a mighty sword and I was a knight who had to conquer my fears.

1859 -1874

I had arrived back from San Francisco with a light heart. My transactions had made more money than Adam's had last year...and I wanted to be sure my eldest brother knew it. Stepping off the stage I had no idea my life would change. Julia Bulette entered my life and I fell deeply in love with her. She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever met...and she was from New Orleans.

Most people are narrow minded about the saloon girls that work in Virginia City and some would call Julia a Madame instead of a party girl. But to me she was beautiful inside. I left home to stay with her because I didn't agree with my father's views on women and Virginia City's old guard. They wanted me to be straight laced...can you really see a Cartwright in that mode?

We had finished taking care of the fever epidemic when I knew that a spell would be upon me. I hurried upstairs to her rooms, to hide myself from view. Our family had decided long ago that it was best to keep these attacks to ourselves...what people don't understand they sometimes fight. I was sitting on the bed when Julia entered the room...I was so embarrassed to be seen, "Julia, I need time alone." I barely said the words because I was desperately upset.

"Joe...what's the matter?" She hurried to my side placing her hand on my forehead to check for temperature...she thought I had the fever. "You don't feel hot."

"Go away!" I pushed her away from me wanting her to just go. I turned away from her to make my point.

"I'm not going anywhere. What is it? Are you sick?" I could tell Julia would never stop her questions she was so worried about me. I decided to tell her hoping I was making the right decision. To tell the woman you love that you are not perfect...or not totally normal is a thing that I could barely do.

"Julia...I have spells...but I will be fine, leave me be. " As a matter a fact all this worry over Julia had driven the attack away from me.
"I...sometimes...I have this fear...I don't even know what I am afraid of. It's a stupid disease...I inherited it from my Mother."

Julia sat trying to understand, I knew I looked a complete fool, but if she only still loved me that was all that mattered.

"Joe...darling...there is no need to be upset...please don't be a man." She laughed sweetly, kissing me on the brow, "we women are made very strong..." she pulled me down beside her and me forgot the fear. My brothers had become over protective of me. They would make sure I was fine...without letting on the reason they cared. I remember I had gone to the bar to sulk...Adam and Hoss both tried to jolly me out of the mood I was in...afraid it would bring on an attack. They were always there for me and I never let them know how much it meant to me.

With the passing of Julia I was torn with grief. The town was happy to be rid of her but they didn't know the sweet woman inside. Time passed...

I have to tell you the most amazing thing...I have a new brother. Clay came into my life so briefly it was like a whirlwind. I couldn't convince him to stay but I did find out about my Mother. Clay, too, had attacks. He had learned long ago to keep quiet about them...and he had details of my Grandmother's asylum. She had died there years ago after being locked up for being insane. He made me promise to not tell another soul...and with Julia's passing I decided he was right.

Life continued and I was very happy or very sad...I seem to have inherited my Mother's temperament too. I tried to run a logging operation but I finally needed the help of my family...my father was so wonderful, even Adam and Hoss didn't kid me about my failure...they all came to my aid.

So many stories to tell but this is getting long. The most important story is yet to be written.

Adam came home after Hoss' death. I was terribly lonely without my big bear of a brother...he was my best friend in my life...I still cannot think of him without tears. I was very surprised when Adam rode into the yard that day. Pa and Jamie had gone to Virginia City to enroll Jamie in a new school. Candy was out working on the fences and I was alone at the barn.

When I heard the horse I casually looked outside expecting to see one of the hands but my eldest brother was sitting on the horse looking at the house. He had helped build that house and it still stood strong.

"Adam." He turned to look at me and I cringed when I saw him. His eyes were red rimmed, he had been crying before he got here. I thought I had seen my brother in every mood but this one was new. He had never openly displayed his grief for
all too see. Adam was strong and caring...but he was a loner at heart while I was very outgoing...at least until Hoss' passing. We stared at each other for a long time...when he finally dismounted and walked toward me. I backed away unsure of his welcome.

Adam pulled me into his arms hugging me very tight...as if I would run away from him...or maybe die.

"Joe...it's so good to see you." Adam had pulled back to look at me, he studied my gray hair and smiled. "You are going to be just like Pa." This seemed to amuse him...but I wasn't as happy. Then he looked deeply into my eyes..."your eyes will always be Marie's." We stood as if we had all the time in the world...and I guess we did.

"Joe...I want to tell you something. Do you remember Doctor Edwards?" At my nod he led me to a hay bale and pushed me down on it. "I never told you but I went to kill him that day he died. I was distraught over your disappearance then Pa wrote me about your time in his hands. I would have killed him...but fate intervened, he shot me and then ran...dying himself. It was complete justice."

I didn't know what to say...this was the first time he had said the man's name in years. "Adam...you should have told me."

"I couldn't." Adam brought another bale up by mine and sat next to me. "You were my baby brother and it was my job to take care of you, I failed you, Joe."

"No, you didn't! Adam I always thought you didn't care you left me...I wish..." the passage of time helps to dull the edges of time. "I'm sorry I mistrusted you."

"Joe...you know why I'm telling you now?" At the shake of my head he leaned toward me taking my hand.

"Because I know that life is short... my Mother, Inger, Marie ...and now Hoss. I wish I could have shared my feelings with Hoss, Little Joe. Soon, it could be Pa...or you." Adam covered his eyes as if he couldn't speak again.

"Adam...please don't." I hugged him to me.

I never want to forget that moment in my life.

Closing the book...I knew life was always changing...I might have an affliction but it was not going to stop me being the person I have become...but it has made me love the people that are dearest to my heart.
Finis

Kaci

Panic Attacks:
Can cause shortness of breath, chest pain and general feelings of fear. There are many symptoms and they are usually different for everyone. They say the panic attacks are the most intense fear you can experience. Many doctors believe it is a chemical reaction in the brain that is causing the problem.