The Learning of City Ways by One, Carrot Ironfoundersson

A/N: Hullo all, I was re-reading Guards! Guards! and was thinking about just how innocent and naïve Carrot was, that this random idea struck me. I wanted to put it down before I forgot it, so here is this short little fictional story, taking place after the events of that novel.

"…and I told him, "You need a license to steal that." but he didn't listen to me." said Corporal Carrot Ironfoundersson to Sergeant Colon.

"Hwha?" replied Colon. He was busy reading the book "Torture: How to Make it Work for You in Eleven Easy Steps, Provided the Cabbage in Step Ten Doesn't Kill You". It had some interesting pictures, and while Colon had some trouble understanding it, he was still enjoying the book.

They were on patrol in the city streets, making sure the thieves had licenses, that no one was jaywalking across the river Ankh, and that anyone who ate Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler's hot dogs vomited in an unobtrusive place.

"I was just telling you about the thief I had to deal with the other day. I set him on the legal path and now he is stealing for the greater good." said Carrot.

"Ungh." replied Colon. He was currently looking at the chapter "Punishments for Unchaste Women". The punishments almost always called for the woman to be stripped, and the illustrations were…very detailed.

"Y'know," continued Carrot, "I still haven't learned much about the diverse types of entertainment this city has to offer."

Colon looked up from his book.

"Well you know Carrot, you can always ask me." he said, a smug little smile on his face. "I know everything there is to know about this city."

"Really?" asked Carrot, with respect. "Then what do you call all these streets? Surely they have some Ankh-Morporkian name?"

"Erm…" said Colon. He really didn't know much about the city, figuring that if he left the city well enough alone, then it wouldn't have a convenient tile fall off a nearby roof and break his neck.

Suddenly, an idea struck him. He quickly flipped through the book as Carrot greeted a passing person who knew his name. He turned to a page on titles for torture chambers.

Carrot turned back to him. "I'm sorry Sergeant Colon, I didn't catch that." he asked, innocently.

"They're called the Halls of Suffering." said Colon, stealthily reading the first name on the list.

"That's an interesting name. I'll have to take note of it." replied Carrot.

"Don't mention it." said Colon, and they walked on.

They passed by an alley on their way to the semi-legal merchant square in front of Unseen University. Colon looked in the alley, and saw three dogs cornering a cat. Suddenly, the cat grew to five times its size, let loose a burst of flame from its mouth, and roasted the dogs. It then reverted back to its normal size and started cleaning itself, all in the space of five seconds. Colon hurried on.

They reached the square, and Colon found Carrot watching one of the vendors.

"See that weird little drink he's brewing up that's making all those people fall down and go to sleep?" he asked. "What is it?"

Colon was fairly sure the people weren't sleeping, but he hurriedly checked his book again.

"Uh…they're called…guillotines." he said, turning the page. "Yes…guillotines."

"Fascinating." said Carrot, and they walked on.

As they passed over the bridge separating Ankh and Morpork, they saw three youths playing a game involving rings, balls, and a very ill-tempered platypus.

"That looks interesting. What is it?" asked Carrot.

This time, Colon was ready for him.

"We call that game Decapitation." he promptly replied. "If you can get the ball through the ring five times before your opponents can all while the platypus is slap you in the face with its tail, then you've decapitated them."

"Ah." said Carrot.

They started to walk back to the Guardhouse, and saw a man sitting face to face with another man, a canvas to his side, and a paintbrush and palette held in his hands. He was painting the other man's portrait.

"Huh. I think I know the word for that, but I can't quite remember it. Starts with C, doesn't it?"

"Oh no," said Colon. "We call that…" He quickly looked in the book.

Ah! He thought to himself. Here's one that fits.

"This, my friend Carrot, is called being drawn and quartered."

"Oh!" exclaimed Carrot.

"You see, it got the name from the artist drawing you, that's drawn, and then he would force you to pay him a quarter."

"I see." said Carrot. "But…Sergeant? What's a quarter?"

Colon looked blankly at him. "D'you know, I'm not sure. I think a type of cheese imported from Klatch."

"Interesting." Carrot mused quietly. He shrugged, and the two of them finished their patrol and walked into the guardhouse.

*

Dearest Mother and Father,

I'd like to let you know that I'm really learning about Ankh-Morpork. Everyone has been so kind in telling me the attitudes of the people, especially Sergeant Colon It is great learning from such expereinced people. His advice has really helped me, like three days ago, when Captain Vimes introduced me to an old acquaintance of his from Quirm. He wanted me to show him the around Ankh-Morpork, and I thought this would be the perfect chance for me to show my new knowledge of the city's culture.

But you know, something odd happened. After I gave him a breif description of a few of the things to do in the city, he ran away screaming to the docks where he bought a ticket from the first captain he could find to, quote, "Wherever you are going that isn't here." I suppose what I told him was good enough to let him know what Ankh-Morpork had in the way of entertainment.

The thing is, all I did was smile and say to him "Hello there, you're going to love Ankh-Morpork, it's a great city. I'll take you for a walk down the Halls of Suffering, and while we're there, you can try out the guillotine. Then, if you'd like, I can show you some youths decapitating each other, and after that I can find someone to have you drawn and quartered. But if you don't have anything to give him, then I can take care of the quartering part."

Looks like my knowledge of the city is very adept now. I owe my fellow guardsmen a lot. We're getting some new recruits in a few days, because of Lord Vetinari's new "Equality" plan. We're getting a troll, a dwarf, and a woman. I've seen the woman breifly. She seems nice, I wonder if we'll become freinds.

Your loving son, adopted,

Carrot.