Her James Potter

Lily Evans is confused.

It is rare, to have the perfect Lily Evans, the Head Girl, confused. Well, she always knows everything. She also got O's in almost every subject she takes, and she is a good counselor to her friends which mean that she could give anyone advice—a good one. But now, Lily Evans was caught day dreaming under her tree. Her red hair swings here and there because of the breeze, and her green eyes are looking to the lake in front of her.

"Lils?"

Lily turns to her right and met her best friend, Alice. "Hey Al," she said.

"You okay?"

Lily sighed at the question. She leans back to the tree and closed her eyes. Alice understand what was she thinking, and she understand enough not to interrupt her best friend. Alice knows exactly who the person her best friend was thinking about. "Lils, it's late. It's almost dinner time. You don't want to skip dinner, right?"

"Yeah, see you in the Great Hall, Al… I just… need some time to think about things," Lily said, finally opening her eyes.

Alice left her and went back to the hall with Frank Longbottom, her boyfriend. Lily sighed once again, after watching the couple left. She envies Alice. Alice knows when she loves someone. She knows what to do and what to say, how to act and how to behave every time she's with her crush—in this case, her boyfriend. But Lily didn't.

She's nothing like Alice. She is rather a quiet girl and shy. She chooses the library than party. She avoids Hogsmeade weekends, she avoids pranks, and almost everything that would bring trouble for her. She avoids boys, who would chase her around the castle and who would probably break her heart. Yes, she doesn't want to be hurt. She saw how Alice cried after some broke ups with her previous boyfriends, and she doesn't want to try to be in a relationship.

But she can't avoid him.

The only boy who would never give up even though Lily has rejected him. The only one who looked at her like she's the only girl he know.

Or so she thought.

He's no longer a boy. He's a grown up man with the perfect jawline, perfect nose, perfect lips, and oh how his eyes twinkles every time he's happy. He also got O's in every subject he takes, and he became the Gryffindor's hero. Oh and not to forget, he's the Head Boy.

But he stopped. He stopped flirting with her. He stopped watching her. He stopped trying to have her attention. He stopped all of it. Which means one thing.

He'd given up on her.

Lily couldn't understand her own feelings. She should be happy, shouldn't she? Isn't this what she wants, for James Potter to stop annoying her? Years ago, she always turns him down. She always told him to sod off, not to come near her. And now he does that, she felt empty.

She wants his attention back. She wants his eyes to only look at her. She wants him to smile like that to her again.

Well, that time, her eyes caught James Potter walking with a 7th year Ravenclaw girl who's giggling beside him. And he smiles to her. They talked like they were the only one in the world, and the girl suddenly tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek and then leave for the great hall.

Unconsciously, Lily grips the grass beneath her hands as she felt her heart breaks to pieces. She demanded her mind to think that it's not her business that Potter was kissed by a girl. He's not hers, though. But still, a tear rebelled and fell to her cheek. And then she was crying so hard. She doesn't understand this. Why did she cry for James Potter? She loathes him.

A sudden realization hits her that time.

"Am I in love with Potter?"

James Potter searched through the hall. His eyes were scanning all the tables, looking for a certain girl. He hasn't seen her since last night. Last night, a party was held in the Gryffindor's common room as they won the quidditch game from Slytherin. Last night, where that happened.

He saw her, with a black dress that hugged her curves in all of her glory. She was smiling to her friends, the smile that would made him melts. His eyes was drifting slightly to her legs, which was covered by a black stocking and a brown boots. His smile grew wider as she walked to him.

"Hey James," she said. At the corner of his eyes, he could see Sirius smirked at the act.

"Hey Lils. It's rare to have you joining parties," he answered, feeling his body shuddered at the sound of his name that was said by her.

"I haven't congratulated you for winning the cup," she said.

"Yeah…" he muttered, ruffling his hair out of his nervousness. He could smell her scent. Hmm, she smelt so fresh… sunflowers?

"Congratulation for catching the snitch, James," she said, smiling.

"Thanks, Lily," he smiled back as he saw her retreating back. "Oh, and Lily?"

The red-haired girl turned to him, with her green eyes locked with his. "Yes, James?"

"You looked gorgeous," he answered.

Oh how his smile grew wider after he saw her blushed. She, Lily Evans, blushed because of his statement. Well this doesn't happen every day. When James was walking to Lily, a girl suddenly hugged him and kissed him. This startled him, and his eyes grew wider. This doesn't go as planned. He held the girl, trying to be a good man. He doesn't want to hurt the girl, but he doesn't want to be kissed by this girl. He pushed the girl slightly, and his eyes searched for Lily. But she wasn't there. She left.

An hour has passed, and James grew tired of the party. The smell of butterbeer and firewhiskeys filled his lunges, and it doesn't make him feel better. Remus suggested him to go to the balcony and get some fresh air, which he took nicely. As he walked through the crowd, he saw a familiar back at the balcony.

"You'll catch a cold," he said, gently putting his cloak on her.

She turned to him, surprised. "Potter?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, it's me, Lily. Why so surprised?" he laughed bitterly, as she said his surname. Not his name anymore.

She didn't answer, though, and kept looking back at the sky. He watched her features. Her hair that swift slightly because of the breeze, her pink lips, her nose, and her eyes. That green eyes which are always full of life and happiness, now was filled with… he doesn't know, was that pain?

"Lils, are you okay?" he asked, worried.

She turns her head to him, and looked at him in the eyes. "No," she said after a long pause.

"Why?" he asked softly.

She laughed bitterly, and shook her head. "Nothing, you won't understand either," she said.

He looked at her and said, "Try me."

"Potter, when you were kissed by that girl, how'd you feel?" she asked, avoiding eye contacts.

"Uh?" he asked, confused. Why did she ask this question?

"Do you feel your heart beats faster? Or do you feel happy?"

He didn't answer though. He tried to learn her expression, but she showed no emotion. Maybe she has prepared herself for this question…

Suddenly she stepped forward and tiptoed, and placed her lips on his. Just like that. She closed her eyes, waiting for him to kiss her back. But he didn't. His eyes grew wide, even wider than when he was kissed by that unknown girl in the common room. But he didn't kiss back. He didn't even hold her, he did no nothing.

She stepped back, realizing that he's not kissing her back. She was in the verge of crying. It took all of her courage to kiss him like that, if that was counted as kissing, but he didn't even react to that?

"Potter… I…"

He was still freezing in his place, looking at her, confused. He can't say a word.

"I'm sorry, Potter… I shouldn't have done that," she said while running from the balcony, leaving him alone.

"Prongs? Prongs!" Sirius called him, waking him from his thought. "Bloody hell, Prongs… are you okay?"

James nodded his head and began to eat his pudding. "Hey that's mine!" Remus claimed, narrowing his eyes at his friend. Realizing that James didn't hear him, Remus asked him. "Hey mate, you okay?"

Peter's gasp made the Marauders turn their heads to where Peter was looking. Lily Evans, was walking to the Gryffindor's table, with red eyes, and sat beside Alice. "Is she okay?" Sirius mumbled from the corner of the table. James looked at her, surprised at how she looked. But what made him worried was that she's pale.

"Prongs, does this has anything to do with you? 'Cause you looked lost today," Peter asked him quietly.

"What? We didn't even set any pranks to anyone," Sirius said, defending his best mate.

"No, really. This has nothing to do with you, right?" Peter asked once again, for the first time not listening to Sirius's words.

James shook his head. He didn't know for Merlin's sake! Why did Peter thought that it has anything to do with him? "No, Wormtail. I didn't know anything," he said.

Later that night, James couldn't sleep. His thoughts drifted to a certain girl. His body shuddered again, remembering that short kiss with her. No, it's not really a kiss. He now regret why didn't he kiss her back that night. But he stood there, like an idiot, watching her leave with her shoulders slumped. James suddenly sat in his bed. That's it. Why was her shoulders slumped?

His head turned to Sirius who snored loudly beside him. Damn Sirius and his snores, it woke him from his thought about that girl. James turned to see the dark sky and he walked through the window. The stars didn't show that night, and it rather looked like it's going to be raining very hard. His eyes caught someone's walking out there. Who the hell would walk in this weather?

No, he knew who exactly it was. It's a she. "Lily?" he whispered and then decided to join her.

Lily Evans couldn't sleep that night. For the first time in her life, she can't sleep like that. Alice told her to go to the kitchen and grab some warm milk. It didn't help though. So after drinking her milk that was given by Tilly, the house elf, she decided to take a walk. She didn't even realize that it was going to rain, after she's in the middle of the garden. It was cold, but she didn't bring her cloaks. How smart of her.

Not like she cares.

"Lily," a deep voice was heard from her back. Quickly, she turned around and saw him. With black eyes, staring deeply at her. She got chills just hearing her name from him.

"Snape?" she said quietly, walking backwards; trying to get as far as possible from him.

He raised his eyebrows, and a flash of hurt and anger was shown in his eyes. "Snape? I'm not Snape, Lily," he said and took two long steps towards her, "it's Severus."

Lily gulped, feeling scared all of sudden. "Why are you here, Snape? Go back to your dorm. It has passed the curfew. I'll take points from your ho—"

"Lily, I told you, it's Snape," he said, grabbing her forearms.

"No, let me go! What are you doing?!" she said, her voice getting higher and shaking. She struggled from his grips, but he's too strong. Since when did Snape became this strong? "Snape, let me go!"

"NO! I saw you last night, you kissed Potter. You freaking kissed him, Lily! You said that you loathes him!" he said angrily.

"Snape, you're hurting me! Let me go!"

"Why did you kiss him?" he said, voice getting deeper as his grips tightened. "You used to hate him, Lily."

Lily didn't answer him, and still trying to get out of his grips. Snape didn't even move and inch, but seeing Lily trying her hardest to go away from him make him angry. He took a step forward, also pulling her body towards his body. "Lily, answer me," Snape said. Lily still stay silent, she didn't want to answer him. This made Snape gets angrier and move his head to Lily. Lily who's surprised by his action, hits him as hard as she could, but for Snape, it was only like being hitted with a cotton. Didn't hurt at all.

Lily felt her tears stroke down her cheeks, because she feels him. His right hand's circling her waist, and his left hand went 'down'. And there she is, standing in his embrace—which was not very comfortable for her, with his lips on hers. Snape could feel her stop. She stopped hitting him, but she didn't respond to his kisses. She just stood there, and after he pulled back, he saw her eyes and saw hurt and guilt.

But she didn't stare at him, he stare at something behind him. Or someone.

He turned his head and saw the one and only, James Potter standing there, with wide eyes, fist clenched, and lips pressed.

"James, I—" Lily started, but James turned his heels and strode away. Lily tried to go after him, but Snape caught her wrist, which she shook.

"YOU, IMBECILE. Listen to me, I hate you, Snape. You called me mudblood, and you laughed at me back there. And now you're mad at me because I kissed James? Why? No, not why. I know why, you thought that I'm your toy? Sorry Snape, I'm not sorry to say that I'M NOT YOUR BLOODY TOY! Listen to me, I used to hate James. But time had change, and so do I. I want you to understand that I HATE YOU, and I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO ANYWHERE NEAR ME. Goodbye, Snape," Lily snapped at him and ran after James, leaving Snape with his heart broken.

"James where are you?" Lily searched through the hall. She felt her tears stroke down her cheeks, again.

"James…" her voice softened, after seeing the person she's searching was sitting under a tree. "James…"

He didn't give a single glance to her, which made her more nervous. He threw stones to the lake with his jaw tightened.

"James, I—"

"Evans," he said, cutting her. His voice cold, his hazel eyes cold, and everything seems cold. Lily's palm tightened out of nervousness. He called her Evans, not Lily.

"James, it's not like what you saw… I didn't—"

"I'm tired, Evans," he said. "I'm tired of your game. You always said that you hate me, you don't want me around. But last night, you kissed me and left. You avoided me in the day, and tonight you kissed Snape. If me leaving you alone is what you really want, Evans, I'll do it. You don't need to go this far."

"James, please listen to me…"

"I saw it, Evans," he said again, and then walked passed her. Before he left, he passed her his cloak. "You'll catch a cold. Use this and please come back before it rained."

"JAMES POTTER! I freaking hate you!" Lily fell and crouched under that tree.

James could hear her sobs, but his heart was to scattered to turn back and apology.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…" she said between her sobs.

James's fists shook furiously, trying to control his feelings when he heard her said slowly, "I love you, James, I love you. I've always loved you… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

And then another sobs. He didn't turn back, he kept going forward, going back to his room.

The next morning, Alice Prewitt walked to the great hall. She expected to see Lily, sitting on their usual place. Her smile faded, realizing that Lily wasn't there. She saw the Marauders though, sitting in their usual place, pulling out pranks to the third years, but James Potter didn't seem as bright as usual. She didn't take it seriously, though. Maybe he slept late last night. But she's worry about Lily. She didn't remember seeing Lily coming back from the kitchen after taking her milk, and she didn't remember seeing Lily this morning.

And not even at lunch. It's 12, but Lily hasn't showed up. "Frank, do you perhaps, see Lily? I'm worried about her, I haven't seen her anywhere since last night," she asked her boyfriend.

"I didn't saw her. Did she skip classes?" Frank answered.

"Yeah, she's not in the library either. Dear Merlin's beard, where could she be?" Alice mumbled worriedly.

Suddenly, the hall was filled with owls. They came with letters, and Alice caught Lily's letter, deciding to hand the letter to her. She didn't realize that Snape's standing in front of her, his eyes shaking.

"Prewitt, give me Lily's letter," he said coldly. Now the whole great hall stared at them. James stare at Snape, full of hatred.

"Yeah? And why should I give it to you?" she asked him, challenging him.

"You wouldn't want to know," he hissed, "If you're going to give it to her, make sure that she has calmed down, or she'll—"

"MUGGLE ATTACK?!" one of the student gasped, after reading her Daily Prophet.

"Merlin… it's You-Know-Who… he attacked a house in London, the parents of one Hogwarts student were dead last night…" the girl gasped again, and said, "oh god, it can't be…"

James felt something's wrong. He didn't know what was it, but he knew something's wrong. Lily, it must be something about Lily. He stood up and said to the girl, "go on. What happened? Whose parents were killed?"

"It's Evans's…"

Lily clutched her letter and cried loudly. Alice somehow had found her sitting under the tree since last night, and hand her the letter, and tried to calm her after she read it. Lily didn't cry when Alice was there. She sat quietly, staring at nowhere. Her eyes empty, her hands were cold, her lips shook. Alice left her there after promising that she'll be back with a cup of ginger tea for her. The sky was grey and dull, maybe, the sky was mourning over her loss too.

She felt her world collapsed around her. She lost her 'bestfriend' (as in Snape), she lost James Potter, and she lost her parents and sister. Her eyes got watery again, and she sobbed so hard. Then it rained.

She looked to the lake, to the dark lake in front of her. If she could end everything right now… she walked through the lake, leaving James's cloak from last night and keep walking. The rain got bigger that it sent chills to her spines. But she didn't care. She just wants to die. So she kept walking, and when the water reached her chest, she heard voices from far away calling her name. She knew those voices, Alice, Frank, Sirius, Remus, and James. She heard them calling her name, panicked.

She didn't turn her back and keep walking instead. And she felt someone pulled her backwards, spinning her and hugged her there.

The familiar scent of James Potter filled her lunges, and soon she felt her tears streamed down her cheeks. She cried and cried. James hugged her and not letting her go, and slowly head her towards the tree where their friends were waiting. He saw Alice's eyes puffy, and her head leans into Frank's chest. He saw Sirius and Remus holding their breath, and once they're out of water, Remus handed their cloaks, so James used his, and Lily used Remus's.

An hour later, the rain stopped. Lily and James sat under the tree. Only both of them, and silence filled the air. It wasn't a comfortable silence though. Lily still hasn't spoken a word, and James's trying to give her time. But he can't resist the feeling to be mad at her.

"What were you thinking, Lils? What if you're drown?!" he said finally.

"I lost everyone, James… my parents, my sister, my used to best friend, and you… I lost everyone James, I just feel… empty,"

"It's not your fault that your parents and sister dead, Lils,"

"It is… If I was there, maybe I could stop him… they were killed because of me, because of I am a wizard, a muggleborn… they don't even know a thing, James…"

"NO. You'd be dead by now if you're there. I don't know what would I do if you're killed, Lily," he said.

"What?" Lily turned her head to face James.

"You never lost me, Lily… last night I was tired and my mind was scattered. I know that I should have listened to you first, but I didn't. I… I'm sorry Lily. But I want you to know that you never lost me,"

"You didn't hate me?" Lily asked hesitantly.

James's hazel eyes softened as he said, "How could I hate the only girl that I ever loved?"

"I thought you'd given up on me, James…" she said as tears start to fell on her cheeks again.

James shook his head and pulled her to his embrace. Now this is what Lily called a hug. They stayed like that for a minute, then James pulled back. He stared at her green eyes, and said, "I love you, Lils. We can get through this, together. I know we can, I know you can."

James stared at those green eyes, and his eyes drifted down to her lips. "And I regretted not to kiss you back that night." With that, he kissed her on her lips, and Lily kissed him back in an instant.

"Wait, you haven't know what actually happened last night," Lily stopped and pulled back suddenly, leaving James to groan.

"Actually I did. Sirius has to hex Snape and Remus gave him veritaserum to spill what had happened last night, and I kind of beat him and yeah… you know…"

"Oh my god, that was… mean,"

"Yea, but I did it because—"

"Thanks, James… he deserved it," she said, with a smile that could melt James's heart every second.

Lily blushed at his stare, and she could feel her heart stammered like there's no end, and she's sure that she'll be able to get through this. She knew it, since she got her James Potter.