Daria Rewind: 2017
Daria and Jane were in front of a Skype cam in Jane's bedroom chatting with Tori Jericho.
"So Daria and Jane I heard that 2017 was a crazy year for you," Tori asked them from her studio in New York.
"Yeah it was," Jane replied, wondering why they were doing this, the last thing she remember clearly was having asked Daria if she wanted to hang out.
Daria opened her mouth to speak but the door to Jane's room was suddenly opened and Link barged in, looking around hurriedly just as the Mystik Spiral song 'Freakin' Friends' blared full blast.
Link then began to dance and slapped a camera that appeared out of nowhere and the pair were suddenly on a beach, the Three J's were dancing to a Spanish hip-hop song that they didn't recognize, for some reason the guy rapping it was Nathan in a voice that was clearly dubbed.
Then Nathan slapped another magically appearing camera and for a brief moment they were back in Jane's room with Link continuing to dance before they were slap-teleported to an extremely artsy public stairway that said 'Rio De Janeiro', Daria saw two guys from the football team dancing on the stairs and thought there was no way this was Rio, it was way too clean.
Then the pair pointed and once again they were on the beach, this time they were wearing a white bucket mask and an owl mask and dancing along.
"Why are we doing this?!" Daria demanded, but the mask muffled it to "mehmehmehmehmehmeh"
Then they were slapported to the Lincoln Memorial where four 'ethnically diverse' backgrounders that had never spoken aloud were dancing to the music. Slapported again to the beach where the Three J's were continuing to dance, and Daria noticed Jeffy checking out Jaime when he thought no one was looking.
Then the slapporting happened again, then again, and again, and in a chaotic blur that left the pair extremely dizzy.
Jane threw up on a snowbank.
Daria shivered as they found themselves at a train station in the middle of winter, Mack was standing on the tracks playing with a fidget spinner as a bullet train was barreling towards him at stop speed.
Daria began to scream, "Mack look out!" just as he stopped playing with the spinner and the train stopped in mid-collision.
Daria didn't have a chance to think as Mack spun the spinner in reverse, sending the train backwards. He spun it forward slightly, brining the train back forward a bit, he then smirked and hit the spinner at full blast.
The train sped forward, but as it hit Mack and Daria began to scream again, Mack turned into snow that showered over them both.
The snow fell away from a moment to reveal Max, Nick, and Jesse of Mystik Spiral wearing matching dark glasses, their right arms up with something in their fingertips, a plate of ribs before them, then as they Salt Bae-ed the shit out of the meat the snow came back down.
Everything went whiiiittteee...
Then Daria felt something wipe the white off her glasses and saw Jodie and Kevin right in her face, "Wha?" Daria began to blurt as they smiled at her.
Then Daria was struck in the face from the side with something blue and slimy.
Everything erupted like a sticky battlefield as Daria struggled to get away from the madness, everywhere around her people she vaguely were wearing white and being struck with blobs of slime, a Victorian Gothic looking university was in the background, a strange place for people to be throwing slime at each other but hey...
"Hey!"
"Sorry Daria," Jane lied, her hands still covered in slime just before grabbing Daria and pulling her backwards on a stage that was there for some reason, "Ahhhh!" Daria cried as they slid backwards on a trail of orange paint and crashed into a similar location, but this time clearly in an Asian country while Shaggy, Scarlett, and Priscilla were wearing rhinestones on their faces, head-bobbing to what sounded like Taylor Swift while people slid and danced on the paint-floor.
Then a darkness began to consume the sky, causing everyone to look up, and glasses appeared on their faces, even covering the faces of people with glasses.
"I can't see!" Daria complained, pulling them off and turning them around, they looked like the glasses people wore for that damn...
"Eclipse..." Jane breathed just before the ground collapsed beneath them, dragging everything and everyone into space.
There was no gravity, nothing to hold onto, and yet there was music in an annoying electronic beat and something was pulling them along.
"This makes no fucking sense!" they heard Jodie yell as she was swept up into a stream of red blood cells and stars.
"Yeehawww!" Kevin crowed, dancing with a giraffe.
A bunch of people Daria had seen about Lawndale (but had only snarked at) were clapping their hands while swimming with dolphins.
Then as Daria wondered who the fuck these people were did gravity decide to kick back in, sucking them all back to Earth.
The eclipse glasses were suddenly back on her face just in time for shooting stars to appear, Daria ripped them off in disgust.
"Ok, this is getting annoyinnnggg..." Daria felt the slapport kick in as the eclipse formed in the sky, which was shaped like two triangles for some reason.
"Daria?"
"Yeah Jane?" she asked as they stood in darkness.
"Why are we in a graveyard?"
The lights came on, revealing that yes, they were in a graveyard, the Three J's were back, confusedly putting dirt on a grave that said "Cash Me Outside 2016-2017".
The dirt was flown off as coffins emerged and zombie versions of everyone rose, and Zombie-Kevin began to sing 'All-Star'.
"This is hell isn't it?" Jane said just in time for a hand to grab her and Daria's ankles and pull them down, and then down further when the ground exploded and they were in space again with the techno music blaring in their ears.
"What now...?" Mack wondered aloud just before everything when white and they saw Tiffany and Stacy stirring empty teacups in a white room, the image flashed away and they were all still floating in space, the damn dubstep beat still going away like a jackhammer on the soul.
They floated down to the ground as the sounds of the worst news stories and headlines began to echo about.
Then everyone found themselves back on earth, holding hands.
"Unity!" Brittany chirped just in time for Daria to realize they were on a skyscraper, and she was DJ-ing on a fidget-spinner shaped mix board and the damn white bucket was on her head again.
"Urg." she muttered as everyone approached the dancefloor, Quinn and Sandi leading two random groups of people, then Sandi threw slime at Quinn and laughed, then slime hit Sandi right in the face in return.
She glared and marched towards Quinn, who's hands were covered in slime for some reason, they stared each other down and Daria hoped for violence.
Then they smiled, laughed, and began to dance an awkward white-girl style dance to the techno music and why was she still playing with the mix-board?!
The dancefloor erupted in a slime-war and slapported around the world for several nauseating minutes (Jane AND Upchuck upchucked) before Tori's voice erupted, "The Floor Is LAVA!"
Daria found herself standing on the mix board and lava was suddenly FUCKING EVERYWHERE, she could feel the heat melting her boots and wonder why she and everyone else scrambling up whatever they could find weren't already dead.
Everything went white again and they saw Tiffany and Stacy standing on their chairs, Stacy was freaking out while Tiffany calmly said, "I'm Tiffany."
The whiteness flashed and they were in the graveyard, which was also covered in lava, but this time it seemed more chill, Brittany shoved a sword in the lava and yanked it out and began carving up headstones, Quinn was playing with the lava like it was slime, Kevin was planking on a giant cross, Mack's eyes had gone solid blue, and Jodie was eating a bowl of noodles.
Then they were suddenly back in Jane's room, everyone included, and they were dancing to a very loud EDM song that would have made Trent's ears bleed.
Trent's!
All of the locations they had been, everything they did began flashing before their eyes at a faster and faster pace, the music getting louder and louder and louder and louder and theeeennnnnn...
Everything exploded and their companions were blown back into space
Daria and Jane were back in the room, heavily disheveled, the damn eclipse glasses on their faces, Jane had a rhinestone on her cheek and Daria was covered in slime and snow.
"So you were going to tell me about 2017?" Tori asked, as if she had no idea what just happened.
"Uh..." both girls intoned, glancing at each other before finding their voices.
"Yeah... it was good." Jane lied while Daria blew a piece of sticky hair out of her face, both pairs of glasses falling off of her face.
AN: Inspired by the craptacular hot mess that is the 2017 YouTube Rewind, see if you can spot all the shoutouts in the chaos!