A/N: This started with me having to make some meatloaf, and being grossed out. Then it turned into something else... "THE MEATLOAF CHRONICLES" will not necessarily always be about the meatloaf, just strange stories and a few parodies that some could consider rants...scratches head...cough...points to rest of story
Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of the Franchises that appear herein. I do own some meatloaf though, to my utter misfortune. LET THE GRAPHIC HORROR BEGIN!
THIS FANFIC HAS BEEN FORMATED TO FIT YOUR SCREEN...and...I guess...THE ANTI-SCRIPT FORM REGULATIONS! ...MAKING IT READ SILLY. AND...UM..I'M PLAYING WITH...VERB...TENSE...
Part One: The Visitor
It appeared in the really big smasherific kitchen.
No one knew how it got there. Many theorized that evil aliens bent on the destruction of the universe had beamed it down. Others thought it was a punishment from God for watching The Man Show for three solid minutes. ... .. ... . ..okay. I wonder who thought that.
But no, it was none of these. All the smashers surrounded the strange object on the table.
Samus was the first to approach it, cautious as rabbit infused with the blood of an alien race. "Hmmm...scans indicate that it is made of paper..."
"Thankyou Captain Obvious." Mewtwo says, squinting at the paper.
"And there appears to be writing..."
COLLECTIVE GASP! Ba DUM bum bum... SFX Provided by...SFX Store: We Do Sound Good
After the dramatic FX had faded away, Samus continues. "...it's a recipe..."
All lean forward.
"...for...meatloaf..."
Everyone takes an involuntary leap back.
"AIIIIIIIIIEEE!" Zelda faints victorian style into Link's arms.
"I feel gentlmanly!" Link states with a perky face. (!)
All stare.
"What"
Dr. Mario steps up to the front of the crowd and whips a big chalkboard out of that convenient spandex space thing, "This is a dangerous artifact! We must avoid it at all costs! Lest it takes over our minds and makes us do its bidding! You see..." scrawl scrawl scrawl something that has to do with an atom and includes emc2 plus the square root of 2468 equals a meatloaf "The recipe's sole purpose is to bring it's master into being!"
ANOTHER COLLECTIVE GASP!
BZZZZZZZZZZTTT! tv snow
And now...MungoJerry's Tony winning version of "INSERT RANDOM ROMANCE FIC"!
Yoshi sat in the Smasher's HQ cafeteria, wistfully staring out the window at the noon-day sky. He stirred his coffee into lazy swirls with a little red stirrer.
"Wow, Yoshi!" Kirby, his bestest bestest friend in the universe said by his side, "You must really be smitten, who is she?"
The green dinosaur turned to his small pink friend, "Oh, Kirby...simple, simple Kirby...no words can describe her beauty! HOW SHE MAKES MY HEART SING!"
The whole of the cafeteria stopped to stair for a moment to stare. After the crickets got tired, the wit-less banter continued.
"-so I said, THAT'S A BANANA you NITWIT!" spoke Donkey Kong over a mug of Earl Grey.
"HAHAHAHA! That's SMASHING, old bean! Do continue..." replied Mario, sipping a cup of the same.
Suddenly, Team Hyrule stepped in.
Yoshi nearly fainted, "THERE SHE IS! THE SYLPH OF MY DREAMS!" Kirby stared at his friend for a minute, then turned to the pair who had just entered. It was Princess Zelda!
...oh, and link, who trailed at her side, ladling soup out to impoverished children. One of them fell over and scraped his knee. It was quite an ugly child. link was about to stoop downto help him, but was roughly pushed out of the way by Zelda, who immediately swooped down upon the child.
"Oh! Little one! However will you live again! Let me heal you-"
"No, really, miss, I'm alright."
"Oh, no! I insist, no need to be brave for the lady!"
"No, no, see? The blood has stopped seeping now-"
"I INSIST!'
"Ah, I can walk again!"
"SIT!"
"Okie dokie." And Zelda healed the ugly child, giving him a mass of scar tissue to carry all of his days.
"See how gracious she is? What an angel!" Yoshi said dreamily with a sigh, his heart nearly busting out of his chest like one of Ripley's fetal aliens. "If only she were mine, and not that dratted hero's..." link was handing out small stuffed toys now with a smile on his face.
Kirby looked dubious. "Aww, c'mon man! She's a HUMAN, she wouldn't go for a green, egg-laying dinosaur who's half her size and IQ!"
Yoshi sighed. Again. And said quietly, "I know..."
Zelda turned to the crowd with spotlight on her, "Actually, I'm a HYLIAN! And we'll cross with ANYTHING!" She gave a big, mischievous wink, then the lights turned back to normal.
With a sharp wind and a clap of thunder, a storm arose! The giant glass shutters rattled and Smasher HQ shook, prompting the children to shriek and cower. And who was there, but Zel-
...oh, it's link. He gathered the children in a circle and told them to join hands. "See? There's nothing to be afraid of children! Let us sing a song!"
"Yeah!" they all shouted in unison.
"-bright copper kettles-"
"-and blue sattin sashes!"
"-raindrops that stay on my nose and eyelashes!"
"-brow paper packages tied up with string-"
"-THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!" They all sang happily. Some of the people smiled and rocked their heads to the song. Yoshi, suddenly and miraculously feeling oppressed and depressed by the metaphysically sunny atmosphere, got up and ran out of the room crying like a small child!
...or he TRIED! On his way out, he TRIPPED ON KIRBY!
...AND FELL ON TOP OF lINK!
There were gasps, but link didn't look preturbed in the least, "Why, hello little fellow-" link was suddenly zapped by lightning,"-BY ALL THAT'S HOLY! WHAT A HIDEOUS BAG OF VOMIT!" and kicked Yoshi in the gut. He grew hair, fangs, and claws, turned to snarl at the children, who screamed, then threw himself out the glass window and ran off into the rain, snarling psychotically like a wolverine.
"I knew he was trouble!"
"What a terrible man!"
"If he comes back, I'LL SHOOT HIM!" All stopped to stare at Samus for a moment, and, since there were no crickets, some cicadas took over instead. "...uh...actually, I didn't mean that."
JUST THEN! Prince Marth of Altea crashed through the door with a clap of thunder and a roar of angst!
"ROOOOAAARRGGHH! AAAGGH!" He proceeded to throw random people around the room and bash his head on walls. "I HATE MYSELF! " He downed a bottle of Zoloft, kicking a small round blob out of the way in order to get to it. He ran over to Captain Falcon, who was placidly drinking some soda.
"Well, heyah' manic guy, how are-AGHRR!" And kicked him in the face, toppling him over and jumping up and down on him many many times.
"Oh, what a sad...sad man..." whispered Peach to Ness, who nodded.
"I think he's HOT!" said Jigglypuff from under Bowser's fallen body.
"I agree, I think violently hurting innocents is SEXY!" said Queen Amidala from her seat.
Suddenly, HE CAUGHT SIGHT OF SAMUS! And stopped, all his anger melted away like velveeta cheese placed too long in the microwave. He stomped up to her.
"Oh, vision of beauty! I demand you come to my bed tonight!"
Samus clapped her hand over her breathing tubes. "Oh...my..I feel...feminine...and weak...cannot...resist...romantic...feelings...taking...over...must...wear...pretty-yet-revealing-dress...MY HEART TREMBLES!"
Marth looked piercingly into her eyes...
"OH, wait. Nevermind. That's just my allergy medicine." SHA-BOOM!
And Marth's troubles ended right then and there.
Off in a corner sat Yoshi, niagra falls for his eyes. "Oh, woe is me! I am a hideous bag of vomit! WAAAA!"
"Don't cry small green one!" an ethereal vision filled his...VISION! It was...PRINCESS ZELDA! "Yoshi..."
"...yes...?"
"...do you love me...Yoshi?"
"...yes..." and they began to snog, making disgusting noises and causing all the small impoverished children to go blind and all present lose the contents of their stomach.
"Awww...MAN! Since I'm the only competent hero remaing, I've got to save everyone!" said Roy as he pushed past Luigi, who was helping up Captain Falcon. So, with the aid of Mewtwo's angsts powers and Mr. Game and Watch's randomness, Roy teleported everyone somewhere else...where they couldn't here the echoes of Yoshi and Zelda's snogging.
Epilogue
"Do, a deer, a female deer-"
"Rei, a drop of golden sun!-and a sailor scout so I'm told..."
"Mi, a name, I call my-self-"
"Fa, a longer way to ruunnnn!"
Link and Malon ran through the long waving grass of Hyrule field, leaping gaily, accompanied by the impoverished children, now fattened on cuccoos, and their Kokiri pals, who can now magically leave the forest! Epona frolicks next to them while cows dance to the beat.
"So, a needle pulling threeead-"
"La, a note to follow sooo!"
"Ti, a drink with jam and breaaad!"
"AND IT ALL COMES BACK TO DOH-"
"-oh-"
"-oh-"
"-OH-"
And they laughed gaily.
Fin. For now.
BZZZZZTT!
more tv snow
When we last tuned in, there was...
...A DRAMATIC GASP...
Marth sips tea in a corner with a cast on his neck from the production of the "romantic" story. "You know...meat loaf isn't that bad..."
Link's eyes widen in horror and his face becomes a mask of UTTER DIS-BELIEF. "Are you kidding! It's the instrument of the DEVIL!"
Marth continued, "Actually, it's really-"BZZZZZZZZZZZTT..
fin.