You Are My Sunshine
The days had been rough to Carl Grimes. Each day was a step closer to recovery, but during that time, all he had was time. Time to think about things that he didn't want to think about. Time to waste. Maybe when he was a kid he would have appreciated more time to waste, but now? No. He wanted to be doing what he could for his family. For Riley. But now, even lifting a gun was difficult. Of course, it was getting easier and easier with the help of Riley, but he still had some hesitation. Maybe it was because it was the very thing that took his eye or maybe it was because he knew it would be difficult to relearn how to shoot. He remembered the first time he shot a gun and how his dad said he was a natural. Now, everything was being relearned, as if he was an infant.
Dylan didn't help his mindset much either. Even though she was trying to forgive him and move on, he felt an anger in his chest whenever her cousin's name was brought up. He had left her with no intention of telling her what he was trying to do and because of his care for Riley, his anger for Dylan brewed silently in his heart. Oh he really tried to be like her and try to not think of it whenever he saw him, but there was always a part of him that wouldn't let go of that anger and it was easier to let it come out than try to hold it back.
For once, though, he would be able to forget about Dylan for a day. Because he was going on a supply run. Not exactly the best idea while he was at the end of his recovery, but he physically couldn't let Riley just go without him. He never liked to admit that he needed her, but he did. She was the one thing that kept him together after he awoke in confusion with a missing eye. Even before that, she stuck with him like no one else. There was just this primal part of him that didn't want to let her out of his sight.
The morning of the run was rather peaceful. He awoke to an empty bed and slowly sat up. Riley had been spending the night with him a lot lately, mostly to soothe both of their aching souls. She had to already be getting ready, so he moved at a more rapid pace, changing his clothes and getting his boots on. Hesitantly, he took his gun that sat on the nightstand next to his bed and tucked it in the holster he wore. Usually, he wouldn't be nervous about supply runs, but this would be the first time he went on one since his accident.
He heard the shower going as he passed the bathroom and made his way downstairs. In the kitchen, Michonne was standing by the fruit bowl and munching away on a peach.
"Hey," she greeted, smiling a little at him.
"Hey. Where's Riley?" he asked, reaching for the fruit bowl and taking a banana.
"In the shower. Woulda thought you felt her get out of bed."
Her words were teasing and that made them all the more embarrassing. He tried to look away casually to hide the heat rising in his cheeks, but apparently she noticed and flashed him a grin. Letting out a groan, he took a bite of his banana so he didn't have to respond.
"You sure you're up to going today?" she asked, shifting slightly so she was across from him.
He shrugged, not exactly wanting to admit that he wasn't but not wanting to say that he was. "I'll make myself ready."
"If you really aren't, you don't have to. I know you want to go because she's going. But she's capable. And she has the rest of us with her too. You should rest."
"All I've been doing is resting," he started, his lips pulling into a frown, but he heard footsteps and paused to see who was coming through the doorway.
Riley entered, her hair still damp from her shower. His heart skipped a beat and he finished off his banana to keep himself from staring. Still, her presence brought a pang of happiness to settle in his chest.
She and Michonne exchanged a bit of small talk, but he remained silent, only exchanging a few glances with Riley. He threw his banana peel in the trash just as his dad came down, all dressed and ready to go. He could feel a slightly concerned glance thrown his way, but it only made him square his shoulders and stand up a little straighter. Everything was going to be fine, it was just a routine supply run.
The four of them exited the house and passed Olivia on the way since she was heading to the house to take care of Judith while they were gone. Up ahead, the others joining them on the run were packing the car. Glenn smiled upon seeing them, though he was sure it was mostly because of Riley. It was really nice to see her...happy with him and Maggie. Maybe it was just the two of them practicing their parenting skills, but they bonded like a real family.
While the two of them conversed, he finished packing the other items into the car. Mostly just a couple jugs of water for them and some bags to carry the things they found. He turned back around to see that Dylan had made his way over and a frown instantly jumped to his lips. Pressing his back against the car, he listened in for a moment.
"-just...you know my baby cousin."
"You're only two years older than me. I'm not really a baby. You're barely an adult. Not even one if we're talking about maturity."
A surge of satisfaction inflated his lungs. Even if she was teasing, it was still a hit to his ego.
Stepping away from the car, he came into view, sharing a glare with a Dylan. "Riley, you ready?"
"Yeah. Just give me a sec," she replied.
Dylan shot him a rather ugly glare which prompted her to give him a shove. "Knock it off, will you two? I gotta go, Dylan. I'll see you tonight."
Carl huffed and headed to the door, slipping inside of the car and letting her have her farewell to her cousin. He buckled up and then crossed his arms over his chest as Riley entered the car.
"You guys really need to start getting along at least a little," she groaned.
"That'll be hard," he grunted.
This only caused her to retreat and leave him be. Sighing gently, he pursed his lips and looked out the window as the car started up. They were out of the community within a few minutes and soon were cruising down the road. To pass the time and keep his mind stimulated, he tried to remember the exact route that they took, but after so many turns he couldn't really keep up. During that time, a couple of the others started playing I Spy, to which Riley made a parental joke that got turned back around on her.
Glenn was basically saying she would be a sister to the new baby and he couldn't hold back a smile. It was easy to see she was a bit shocked but also grateful. This lifted his spirits enough to join in on the game as well, which basically became everyone versus Tara. They played for a majority of the ride until everyone got tired and there wasn't much else to point out. But it didn't matter much since they arrived at their destination not long after.
The place was huge and he had to admit it looked pretty cool. Minus the walkers staggering toward them.
Everyone started to file out of the car and the dead were killed before he could even step foot outside.
"Next walker you see, you should take care of," Riley suggested, walking beside him toward the front door with the others.
"What?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I just think you need to get back into the groove. Good practice."
"Alright..."
She had a point and he definitely agreed with her, there was just a part of him that seemed to hesitate. He wasn't sure why, especially because he had grown up learning to fight and survive. Riley bumping his shoulder brought him out of his thoughts.
"You know, you didn't have to come if you weren't feeling up to it."
"I know...I just didn't want you to go by yourself," he said automatically, not really thinking about filtering his mouth until after he spoke.
"I'm not by myself. I've got everyone else here. You don't have to protect me."
Her words contained a defensive edge and he knew he shouldn't have said it like that. He was so used to telling her whatever was on his mind that he hadn't thought about his words. She was independent enough that saying something like that would cause her to bristle. Stubborn girl, but it was what made her who she was.
"I know, I want to. I have to...I just...care a lot about you, Riley, okay?" he explained, not even sure of what to say without lying to her.
This answer didn't seem to satisfy her because she sighed and continued forward. His shoulders slumped slightly and they entered the building. He gave her the space to go where she wanted and tried to focus on something else, like finding something useful for the group. A quick glance around didn't reveal much of anything, but one thing he definitely learned was that people hid things just about anywhere.
A small turntable of maps caught his eye and he went ahead and took a couple for the surrounding areas, figuring maps were always good to have these days. After stashing those in his bag, he turned when the growls of a walker reached his ears. He exchanged a small glance with Riley and she nodded to him. He slipped his knife from his jeans and slowly approached, letting it reach out to grab him for a second before he weaved past its grip. Grabbing onto its shirt, he pulled it down a little bit more so he could properly reach the head and jab the knife into the soft skull.
It crumbled to his feet and he took a step back. That hadn't been as bad as he thought it would be. It was almost like a routine process and it hadn't phased him, which made him feel a little more relieved.
Tara's voice interrupted them and they all filed to see what she found. It was a map of the building and the other buildings nearby. Apparently, this place was a lot bigger than they thought, which was both good and bad. Bigger meant potential for more supplies but also potential for more walkers.
His dad wanted them to finish searching this building first and he branched off to follow Riley. The two of them silently went down the hallway and stopped at one of the doors. She knocked, but no response came.
"I'll open, you guard," she suggested.
"Got it," he murmured, taking his knife out again and getting ready.
She pulled the door open but nothing happened. He shifted past her and stepped in first, his eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room. No growls. No shuffling. He used the wall to try and move around, but she had opened the curtains which flooded light into the small space. The most noticeable thing was a dead man in the corner of the room with a revolver dangling from his fingers. While he turned to continue looking, she went ahead and put the effort into prying the gun from the dead man's hand.
"See anything else?" she asked.
Sighing, he pushed through some more drawers. "No. Just paperwork. Come on, let's keep looking."
The two of them pushed on to another room to try and quickly go through in the five minute time span they were given. Unfortunately, they didn't find much so they returned to the lobby to find the others waiting. He felt like he was starting to settle into the routine of supply runs again as they headed outside. It was most likely his survival instincts kicking in. He remembered the time where it was just moving from place to place for a while. Those skills never left and wouldn't ever leave, no matter how much time settled between each run.
Their surroundings were rather interesting. Whoever designed this place knew how to appeal to a child while still maintaining a level of maturity for the older kids and parents. They even passed a small mine cart ride which he jokingly wished there was power so they could take a spin. More and more as he settled into the rhythm, the more he felt relaxed and comfortable. Of course he was still alert, but being here didn't feel as nerve-wracking as it did when they first arrived.
Getting lost in that loop, Carl almost didn't notice that Riley had fallen behind. When he became aware, he stopped, calling out to her to try and get her attention. She merely gave him a glance and pressed a finger to her lips, indicating for him to be quiet. Walker?
She darted off down a different path and he hurried over with light footsteps, an uncomfortable uneasiness settling in the pit of his stomach. He stopped at the chain blocking off the path and peered through the trees, spotting the black-haired girl just up ahead with a walkers standing in front of her. His heart pounded in his throat and he took a deep breath, some of the initial anxiety shedding off but the same uneasiness still swirling in his stomach, as if he knew something daunting was up ahead.
"Just a walker. Lemme take care of it!" she informed, pulling out her knife.
He stepped over the chain to assist just in case, but as she took a step forward, everything happened at once.
The ground beneath her gave way and both she and the walker started plummeting into an abyss of black. He screamed her name, sprinting forward and coming to a shuddering stop right at the edge of the hole. Footsteps echoed behind him and he yanked out his gun from its holster, squinting to try and see down into the darkened hole. He could vaguely see Riley and some shimmering mine tracks, but the biggest thing in the entire underground mine had to be the horde of walkers she landed in the middle of.
His breathing completely stopped and everything around him became blurry.
He could hear his father's voice in his ear and for a second, he was frozen as the gunshots began to pierce the groggy silence in his ears. And they woke him up.
Not wasting another second, he began to fire to try and keep the dead away from her while she got her bearings. All he could hear was the loud erratic thumping of his heart as it raced faster than it had ever raced before. He felt the urge to vomit, but he was so terrified for her well being that he swallowed the feeling and tried to correct his aim.
His first few shots had missed by just a hair, though most likely because his hands were shaking up a storm. Sweat coated the handle of his gun and he nearly dropped it twice as he shouted.
"Riley! Your gun!"
She seemed to snap out of her haze and pulled out the weapon just in time to snag one that was too close. It only brought a moment's relief to his system. His dad was shouting orders to the others and at this point, they had all formed a circle around the hole to try and get the dead from every angle. Somewhere in that period of time, Riley had run out of ammo and a walker leaped on her.
Everything went so fast. He blinked and then all he was seeing was her keeling over with blood oozing into the dirt. His vision blurred and his world began to spin. No, you're fine. You didn't just get bit. You're alright. It's just walker blood. It's just...
His head throbbed painfully as she looked back up at him. For one second, his vision cleared and he saw that look in her eyes. She was saying goodbye.
"RILEY NO!" he screamed, voice cracking as she started to scramble into the dead.
Without thinking, he started forward, lunging toward the pit. But arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him away as the tears raced down his cheeks, spilling all over the place just like her blood. His chest ached painfully, as if an axe had tore open his chest and forcefully ripped his heart out. She couldn't be gone...
The moment replayed over in his mind, stabbing him in the chest each time he envisioned her crawling away with a puddle of blood seeping below her. His legs wobbled like jelly as he tried to stay upright, tried to keep himself from falling apart in a million pieces. Each groan of the dead made his body tremble and he couldn't hold back the ugly, pain-filled cries anymore.
Sobs shook his body and he turned to the chest of his dad - who had been the one to keep him from jumping down after her - and buried his tear-stained face into his chest, which only slightly muffled the anguished cries that tore his throat, emerging deep from his core. He was drowning. A part of him was lost. His other half, gone. The most pain he'd experienced was felt right now, level to the pain he felt when he had to shoot his mother. One moment she was with him and the next she was gone. Slowly, he sank to the ground, choking on his own sobs. Not my sunshine. Not her...
But Riley was gone. Dead. And he wouldn't ever see her again.
His sunshine.
Taken away.
A/N: Phew. Okay. That was really tough to write. It's almost 2 AM and I've been staring at my screen trying to find the right words to describe how Carl's feeling for almost two hours. It felt too fleeting of a moment, but I also think that there's beauty in short and simple phrases. We all know what pain feels like, some more than others. So sometimes only a little prompting is needed. Anyway, I hope I did Carl justice. This is a bit shorter than I wanted but I didn't want to repeat too much of the same wording from the original chapter. Was this a good present for passing the 100 review mark and the third anniversary of FW? :)
In spite of all this sorrow, I do have a question for you guys. I'm thinking about switching update days to Fridays instead of Sundays. What would you think of that?
As well, I've decided that on off season times, I'll only be updating once a month. For example, from October to December and from February to April, I'll update every week (the times when The Walking Dead is on). But when the show is on break, I'll update once a month. This is mainly due to the fact that a) I want to make sure I don't catch up with the show too fast, I know if I updated every week over the summer I'd be way beyond the current season and I don't want to diverge from major canon and b) there are several other stories I do want to start/finish. I have two Fear the Walking Dead fanfics I want to start this year as well as a bunch of others from other fandoms and even some originals.
I really hope this decision isn't too upsetting to you guys. I will still be updating for sure and won't give up on Forever Wandering at all, I promise! This is seriously my favorite story I've ever written so I could never abandon it.
With all that being said, I will ask you guys more about all these changes on the next Forever Wandering chapter in case you guys didn't see this right away. Anyway, I really hope that you guys enjoyed this and thank you so much for being the best readers an author could ever have :) I love you guys so much!