Disclaimer: I don't own Loveless.
Understanding
Soubi never seems to understand. He's always doing, saying things he knows I don't want him to. And no matter how clearly I make my disapproval of his actions known to him, still he persists. It's like he desires, or even, possibly, requires punishment. Like his life is somehow incomplete if he is not being violated or abused in some way. I can't even count the number of times he's asked me to punish him. Sometimes it's like "Punish me," is the only thing he knows how to say. Like it's programmed into him somehow.
I know there are secrets hidden in his past. There are so many things he won't tell me. It's so frustrating when one minute he's saying he'll obey me completely, then the next minute he's dodging my questions, or even flat-out refusing to answer. I wonder what happened to him that made him this messed up, turned him into such a masochist. Sometimes the masochism is so strong that it's like it goes straight through the barrier and somehow morphs into some twisted form of sadism. Which is why I'm avoiding him right now.
However, I have to go home, even though I know that he will find me there, and he will once again say or do something that will infuriate and confuse me. I've already stayed away for as long as I can. Any longer and there will be trouble. I hurry through the winding urban streets towards my house. And then I see them.
She is crying, her face contorted with fear, as she begs for him to let her go. Her clothes are in disarray, as though they've been pulled at hard, but not quite hard enough to tear. She is partially exposed, and too distraught to notice me. He, however, is aware of my presence the moment I turn the corner. And it empowers him.
Glancing at me as though daring me to do something, he slaps his victim across the face and pushes her against the wall, effortlessly restraining her and forcing her into his desired position. It's almost as though he's had practise, like he's done this before. I watch, as helpless as her. Unable to run, or speak, rooted to the spot as, restraining her with one hand, he unzips his fly with the other and exposes his hard, erect cock. She struggles, trying desperately to escape before he penetrates her. But there is no escape. Not for her. And not for me either, though I am not physically restrained. I am the helpless observer, trapped by what I have seen and what I am about to see. And he knows it. This rape is not about sex. Sex is something he could find anywhere. Instead, this rape is about the power he can steal from his victims. Degrading them empowers him.
He grunts like a primal beast as he forces his way into her. She tries to scream, still struggling, but he is quick enough to use one of his large hands to muffle the sound. Only I am close enough to hear her cries, but there is nothing I can do. Her struggles gradually become weaker and weaker, eventually stopping entirely. She seems to realise the hopelessness of her situation. Something in the resignation on her face reminds me of Soubi. Is it possible that he has suffered a similar experience? Been humiliated and degraded like this woman until all the pain, all the suffering became a part of him?
She stares at nothing, sobbing gently, no longer making any move to resist, or even to wipe away her tears.
Maybe it wasn't Soubi's fault after all. Maybe I'm the one who didn't understand.