A/N: I decided to play with words this fine evening. After having written the biggest assignment of my life, I thought why not write more... this time for something more constructive lol. The story is based around the song "You could be happy" by Snow Patrol. it's a lovely song... Enjoy.
There are many things she wants to do in her life.
Some of them are a little crazy and some are a little sad. There's some that'll make her laugh and some that'll make her cry. Then there's some that'll be dangerous and some that she never wants to do. But there's one that will make her laugh and there's one that'll make her smile. But it's a little ironic, a little silly when she thinks about it because the one thing that'll make her smile is also the thing that makes her cry. It's the thing that breaks her heart and burdens her soul.
But she doesn't let it bother her; doesn't let it erupt into her soul when she's down and sad. She won't let it, she just simply won't. She's better than that and she's got to be strong, if not for herself then for them. She's got her second chance and she'll be damned if she's going to live it in pain and remorse. Because that's just how she is. She's going to make the best of it and she's going to do her best. She's going to smile when she really wants to cry and she'll laugh when she really wants to scream.
Because that's just how it's meant to be and that's how she's going to be.
She's going to be strong and confident. She'll reign to the top of the mountains and she'll soar with the clouds. She'll spread her wings and she'll never fall. She'll stand up tall and never fall.
Because she can't and she won't.
And as she watches him walking away, she thinks that she's done all she could do. She thinks she's done her best and there's nothing else more she can do. She knows there isn't another soul that'll make hi smile or laugh the way she does and she accepts that, because even if she loves him, she wants the best for him. And if that's what he wants, then she'll step aside and let him have it. She'll laugh with him and smile with him, but she'll cry for him.
She'll pick herself up and she'll hold herself high, because she has too. And she thinks that he really shouldn't dwell on it anymore because she's gone and there's nothing more he can do. But she knows he'll never give up and when he loves something, he'll love it forever. She knows he'll cherish it and he'll burry it within his heart. She knows he'll take it with him to his death and she won't agree with it, but she won't disagree either.
She'll smile as if nothing happened, and she'll hope as if there's still hope. She'll laugh when she wants to cry and she'll smile when she wants to shatter. And she'll do it all, just because she thinks at least he's happy. She thinks at least he's got something, someone to cling too. She wants that too, more than anything.
But she doesn't and won't ever have that.
She knows he'll never come back, and she knows he's never really said goodbye either. But she'll see him again, maybe not in this life, probably in the next. And she'll still hope for him, even when there's no hope left.
And she'll still smile for him.
She looks to the ground when their helpless chatter muster away from her surroundings. She feels it dwelling away into silence even when their faces are still moving and laughing. She should be happy, she really should, but she can't. Because he's leaving and that's all there really is to it.
She looks at him one last time, watches the way he straps the sword on his back and runs a hand through his blonde locks. She watches the way he climbs onto his bike and ignites the engine. The sound suddenly comes back to her and she savours the sound of the ringing engine. She memorizes it and places it into the hopeful thoughts of her mind. She keeps it for tomorrow and listens for it today.
And she smiles a little when she hears it; hears her voice ringing in her head.
"You should smile, he didn't die."
'How can I?' she replies soundly in her mind. 'He still loves you.'
And it's like a thousand swords to her heart when she hears herself think that. She feels broken, shattered and worthless. She feels like the world is upon her and she feels that confidence slipping from her grip. She desperately tries to keep with it but she can't, because she's finally said it and she's finally falling with it.
Because he's driving away and he didn't even bother to say goodbye. And there isn't a thing left for her to do other than watch and wish he could turn around, maybe just once, just one goodbye.
It isn't that hard.
"I think...I think that he does."
And that hurts even more, and so she falls to her knees.
"Tifa!" she hears her name being called, and she can't cling on, not anymore.
She can't hold on to 'maybes' or 'if's. She needs 'yes' or 'no's. She needs that; needs what he can't give her.
She feels warm arms encircle her and she shakes them away because they don't know how she feels. They don't know the pain he's bestowed upon her. They just don't get it. She burries her head in her hands and she lets her tears flow. She lets the pain and the guilt and the brokenness wash away with the water. She lets it slip from her, lets the confidence and happiness drain away. She lets it go; lets him go.
"Tifa..."
She doesn't want to listen to her. Not right now, not ever again. She doesn't want to hear the lies and the half hearted truths. She wants to hide under a shell, under a rock away from everything. She wants him to come back; wants him to look her in the eye and say that he's never felt anything. She wants the world and the stars and the clouds and the birds. She wants the air and the happiness and everything in the world. But she'll never get that, no, she'll never get what she wants.
Because doesn't he know, doesn't he get it. If he asks her for the world, she'll give it to him. Just like that.
She'll give him the world and she'll give him the stars. She'll give him happiness and everything he's always dreamed off. She'll make him smile and make him laugh; she'll make him know just how much she loves him. But she'll never get to do that, because he's gone and he'll never be back.
"Tifa..."
"Leave me alone, Yuffie..." she says, pushing the ninja away.
"I'm not going to let you go, Tifa," Yuffie says simply. "We're here for you."
She shakes her head and steals a quick glance at her worried friends. Barret's hunched over slightly and his muscles are a little tense. She hopes he won't find him and beat the stuffing out of him. Although, the thought does seem rather inviting. She turns her eyes to Cid whose searching gaze falls upon the city as if looking for the very thing that made her crumble. But she doesn't see Vincent and she hopes, and prays that maybe he's gone to find him. She knows that if anyone, it's him that'll make him come home.
And then she sees them.
Denzel's looking a little sad and beside him, Marlene's distraught, her gaze pointing daggers. But when she looks at her guardian, she softens her gaze. It's as if she's saying 'I'm here for you too'. And she smiles, gives them a little nod because she's got tobe strong for them. She's got to do what's right. She's got to give him up and let him go. Because he's not coming back and he never will.
"Where did that punk ass bitch run off too anyway?" Cid asked with a hint of annoyance and anger. "If I ever get my hands on him-"
"There are children here, you know," Red said placidly. "But I'll have to agree with you... you know, about beating him up."
"Beating him up!" Barret huffed, pacing around with his metallic arm ready to shoot anything that pisses him off. "I'll tear him apart," he bellowed angrily, motioning with his hands as he continued, "I'll tear his arms off, and his legs..."
"I'll steal his material," Yuffie cheered. "And I'll use it against him."
"Never mind that," Barret says, "I'll combine it all and use that against him along with my metallic arm and my muscles. I just hope he's ready when he comes back, if his sorry ass ever does."
She stands up, pulling herself away from Yuffie's comforting hug. "Look, maybe we should just get back. He won't come back and there's nothing else I...we can really do to bring him back."
Barret pauses and stares a little at the martial artist. His gaze drops a little and his expression hardens a little more. She thinks that's the fatherly figure in him and that he's only trying to protect her.
It comforts her, if only for a little while, it's better than nothing.
They ride in silence and she stares aimlessly at the passing streets. She doesn't care that Geostigma is cured or that everyone else is celebrating because they've got their lives back. She doesn't care that everyone's happy and she's not.
She doesn't care because he didn't say goodbye.
She doesn't care because he didn't.
She slips off her seat and makes her way to the front door of the bar. The few steps she takes to the front door feel like a million but she climbs them anyway, because she has too. The others are still getting out of the car with much anticipated conversations about how to attack or beat him up. And as much as it makes her happy to know that she still has them, it still doesn't make her happy. It doesn't seal that hole in her heart or that brokenness she feels.
It doesn't make her whole.
It doesn't complete her.
She unlocks the door and pushes it open when it clicks. She hears the little chime above her head and she smiles because she's home. She smiles because she has too. And looks inside, looks at the pictures on the wall. And she finds that particular picture, the one with him and her. The kids said that they should have one together.
She fights the urge to shatter and she pushes the pain away from her thoughts. She looks away from the picture and turns around to see whether her friends have made it out of the car.
And then that's when she sees him.
She looks quickly behind him and sees that the car is gone and her friends are gone. She looks back at him and she notes how he's staring up at her as if she were his trophy. And that's when she sees it, his guarded gaze slipping from his eyes as he looks at her. She sees the walls around him crumbling and shattering, leaving one small and insignificant vulnerable man imploring her.
There aren't any words to describe it, no conversations, nothing. There's just an empty street and an empty house. And then there's him and her, on a step.
She's fighting her tears, fighting the pain he so easily bestows upon her. She's fighting it and she's loosing. A tear slips from the side of her eyes and she shakes her head a little, quickly lifting a hand to wipe it away.
"I didn't say it properly," he says, breaking the silence around them.
"Say what?" she asks, her voice broken from her escaping tears. "Goodbye or see you later?"
"Tifa-"
"No..." she chokes and shakes her head. "Don't... Don't say my name," she looks at him and flashes daggers at him, "Don't say it like you mean it because you don't."
"I-"
"If you want to leave, then never come back."
"I can't..."
"Why?"
And when he says it she shatters because he's crumbling and he's falling. She sees it in his eyes. She sees the way his soul shatters and his heart breaks.
"Because you need me."
And she shatters, breaks into tears as if she'd been waiting forever.
"And I need you too."
"You could be happy," she says simply.
"I hope you are," he says as he takes a step toward her.
"Cloud, you've made me happier than I'd been by far," she says before she crumbles.
She doesn't even see it when he steps up and encircles his arms around her. He pulls her close and he crumbles with her. She fights him a little, pushing him back but he doesn't let go. He holds onto her tighter and he whispers words of sorry and forgive me.
And even though she doesn't want to forgive him, she does. Not because she has too, but because she wants too.
Because he needs it.
And she needs it too.
Everything will be okay now. Everything's just as it's meant to be.
"He never did love me the way he did you."
'Aerith...'
"Because when he loves something, he'll loves it forever."