Do you know what the worst part was- it was that I couldn't move, couldn't scream, and couldn't talk. You all had that option but for me I didn't I was completely paralyzed not being able to move from head to toe… or to scream out in pain! I know it wouldn't have made a difference the pain wouldn't have decreased but at least I could have imagined it was disappearing. At first I just wanted to die but then I remember, this wasn't the end I didn't need to wallow in my own self pity, I could just get on with my own life. I would become this strong, magnificent creature who could face almost anything. All I had to do was convince myself that I didn't need them; that I could do this by myself and not need anyone else. Because they'd do what everyone else eventually did- they'd leave me. First it was the Cullen's theirs I think was the most heartbreaking because it was the first, I was numb for weeks but now looking back on it I feel disgusted with myself. How could I stop living my life and harm the others around me just because I felt betrayed? I know that most of them disserved the way I treated them now but before they hadn't done the same thing the Cullens had done…
Next o follow was Renee, she had told me she was just going to stay with Phil for a little while and come and visit me now and then but she didn't. At first she kept sending me letters making up stories about why she couldn't come and visit. One day I found a last letter before opening it I thought it was going to be just another excuse but it wasn't. Phil and Renee and ran away together, it was the plan all along to abandon me at first my mother had trouble doing it but then she realised that she loved Phil more then she loved her own daughter. Phil made her choose and 'She couldn't live without, he was the only one that cared for her.' What had I been doing these past years before Phil turned up, being the daughter?
After that it was my friend's turns, by now I was used to it being heartbroken and left, so it didn't surprise me. One day I just came into school and everyone was acting differently towards me. They were calling me names throwing my stuff about and being generally rude. There was only one person who stayed with me and she was Angela, but because she chose me she chose a life as a vampire. She's always telling me she doesn't mind but I know the truth. I see her face when she's looking at other people's kids and how she sighs every time she sees an older person who can actually grow old, with the person they love. Sometimes I wish that she had abandoned me because then she would have had a normal life and would've enjoyed herself and been happy. She would have deserved it!
Then it was Charlie's turn he couldn't handle taking care of a teenager or anyone as a matter of fact. He couldn't handle having to look at the daughter of the person that left him and he actually loved. In the end he committed suicide. The kind father routine was just that a routine a mask to hide what he actually felt- What would have people said, if they knew he was that kind of man? When I came home I found him with a bullet through his head, I had no doubt that he had fire it. After all I found the letter that told me all about his lies and that he didn't love me after all. I added this letter to my other, the on that my mother had sent me. I never actually cared after that who left me because I never stayed for them to leave, usually I would stay in one place for a few days- weeks tops and then I would leave. (Along with Angela, she was the only one I felt like I could trust, she chose me instead of a normal life…)
I was actually grateful that Victoria had turned me. Now I could be someone completely different; someone that didn't need to depended on other and cold take care of themselves. But I had nightmare if it wasn't of my mother leaving then it was of my father dead face. How could I dream? I don't actually know some people think it was my power because my dreams were such a big part of my human power, some people think that I carried some of my humanity over to my vampire life. Not being completely vampire. But how could it be my power if I had others. I didn't use my other powers because what was the point, if you read someone's mind how can you be entirely sure that that's what their thinking. Sure it was in their heads but maybe it was just one moment of doubt. What about if you can see the future and you stop the bad from happening? What's to insure you that you'd survive the next time something like this was going to happen? The future may not be set in stone, but sometimes it can't be changed enough to save lives.
My life hasn't been easy but I think that the bad things that have happened to me made me what I am now… The perfect killing machine I don't hesitate because I know that my parents didn't hesitate to leave me. I don't look back and think what if because then my hopes or someone else hopes would be crushed, like when I dreamed of my perfect life with Edward Cullen. At one point in my life it hurt to say his name but now I say it with no emotion, nothing! I dream of the day when I can meat him again and thank him for leaving me. For preparing me for what was going to happen later on in life. I don't dream of it happening differently because I know it was impossible.