Reflections

by loobeyloo

Following on from where Echoes From The Past ended: Ever wondered how Hawke really felt about the deception that his brother had returned? Despite the kidding around with Archangel, it can't have been easy for him to come to terms with his true emotions.

Reflections is an original story, inspired by the U.S. T.V. series AIRWOLF. Copyright 2009. This refers to the author of this original material, and is not meant to supersede any copyrights held by Donald P Bellisario or any other persons or corporations holding rights to the television series AIRWOLF and its characters.

Following on from where Echoes From The Past ended, despite the laughter and the kidding around with Archangel and Marella, Dominic Santini is astute enough to know that for his young friend Hawke there will be consequences and fall out following the deception that had briefly convinced him that his beloved brother St John was alive and well and back in his life.

Reflections.

"Well kid, I guess it's high time I got out from under your feet too," Dominic Santini smothered a yawn with his balled fist, although he made no physical effort to rise from the couch.

In truth, he was far too comfortable, sitting close to the roaring open log fire, feet stretched out in front of the hearth, belly full and feeling pretty mellow after a couple of beers, and did not relish the prospect of heading out into the freezing night and hiking back to the lake and the landing stage where he had set down the Santini Air Bell Jet Ranger earlier in the evening.

Santini had been hoping that his host, Stringfellow Hawke, would invite him to stay the night, but now that the pair were alone, Archangel, Marella and Susan, the young woman who had gotten caught up in their most recent adventure when she had tried to help Hawke to escape from his captors, had departed, the younger man had reverted to his usual brooding silence, and although Santini felt certain that it would do his friend good to talk over recent events, he also suspected that should he suggest such a thing, Hawke would hand him back his head on a platter.

As he regarded his young friend now, waiting for some kind of reply, when he was greeted with only silence Santini began to doubt that Hawke had even heard him speak.

Santini used the opportunity to really look at Hawke for the first time since they had arrived at the cabin, and found him self not liking what he saw.

The young man looked tired. Now that all the excitement had died down and the adrenalin that had been pumping through his body had returned to normal levels, he seemed distracted, a deflated set to his shoulders, weariness evident in his stance as he sat at the bar nursing a large brandy and staring into space, and although he had shared jokes with Archangel and Marella and Susan, Santini had clearly seen the strain in Hawke's eyes and had found himself wondering what was really going on inside his head.

Santini had had a hard time worrying over the young man's fate when he had disappeared so suddenly, and from the little he had gleaned from Hawke himself, he knew that he had been right to worry, if for all the wrong reasons.

His captors had focused on the one thing that was absolutely guaranteed to get Hawke's attention, his older brother, St John, who had been missing in action in Vietnam these past 15 years.

They had lured the young man into their trap, drugged him, and had, if only briefly, successfully tried to brain wash him into believing that he had been involved in an horrific helicopter crash and almost died from a cardiac arrest before they got him to the hospital emergency room, and then when he had regained consciousness they had built on that mental conditioning and made him believe that he had been in a coma for eight months and that Dominic Santini and Archangel had died rescuing St John.

This elaborate ruse had been well thought out and very well executed, and all for the purpose of getting Hawke to reveal Airwolf's secret hideout.

The amazing thing was that eventually, something must have alerted Hawke that the situation was not quite as it was being drummed into him, and once he began to realize that the grogginess and the dulling of his senses that he was feeling was not normal, and associated it with the drip attached to his arm, supposedly feeding him glucose and other nutrients, the young man had grown suspicious that all was not as it seemed, but not before his captors had miraculously produced 'Sinjin' for him, and Dominic Santini could only guess at the kind of emotional roller coaster his young friend had been riding since he woke up in that phony hospital room.

Hawke was fiercely devoted to his older brother, and utterly convinced that he was still alive, and his captors had used that love and devotion and faith that St John Hawke was still alive very effectively.

Dominic Santini suspected that the young man was beating himself up about that right now.

He also suspected that Hawke wanted to be alone, so that he could come to terms with what he had just been through and vent his true feelings in private.

Santini could sympathize.

Hawke was an intensely private man who hated to show any kind of weakness to others, going to great lengths to conceal his real feelings from the world, but he was only human, and even if he did not like to admit it, he was a sensitive soul who felt things more deeply than most, and Dominic Santini had known Hawke long enough to recognize the signs.

Sometimes Hawke communicated much better when he was in one of his dark, brooding, scowling silences, and Santini knew from old that if he allowed that to happen, Hawke would get swallowed up in one of his deep, dark depressions and that this time there was a real danger that he might not come out the other side.

Hawke's love of Sinjin and his belief that he was still alive, somewhere out there, was the young man's one weakness, his one vulnerability, and those ruthless devils had played him like that darn Stradivarius cello Hawke was always lugging around and twanging, and the truth of it was, Santini suspected that the young man knew as well as he did that it could happen again.

It was something that they were both going to have to face up to and accept.

If Hawke was going to stick to his guns and keep Airwolf out of the hands of The Firm, and anyone else who wanted her for their own ends, he was going to have to be aware that those people would be ruthless and conscienceless and would be prepared to go to any lengths to get what they wanted, and Hawke was going to have to grow a thicker skin and trust no-one except those closest to him.

Santini knew that Hawke was prepared to risk his life for what he believed in, and that using Airwolf for missions for The Firm was a means to an end, his way of getting his hands on the most up to date and reliable intelligence about the fate of his brother, it was the only reason he had agreed to go to Libya and get her back when her designer, Moffet had stolen her out from under Archangel's nose.

Hawke had used her as his bargaining chip to extract a promise from Archangel that he would look into St John Hawke's case and provide him with absolute proof of what had happened to him. Dead or alive, Stringfellow Hawke did not really care, one way or the other, he just needed to know for sure at last, so that he could find a small measure of peace and perhaps move on and make a life for himself.

Santini knew that it was the uncertainty that was killing his young friend, an inch at a time, every day, so much so that after all this time knowing exactly what had happened to Sinjin would be a merciful relief to Hawke.

Finally knowing for certain that Sinjin was dead would allow the young man to grieve properly at last, but, if it turned out that he had survived somehow and had taken the opportunity to make a new life for himself, at least String would be able to reconcile himself with that, accept that his brother had perhaps made a conscious decision to stay out of his life, for whatever reasons, and again, deal with the grief and the disappointment, and then, please God, move on and finally start building a future for himself.

However, obviously others involved in the intelligence community, representatives of interested foreign powers also now knew, about Airwolf, and Hawke's motives for not handing her back, and had just clearly demonstrated that they were not beyond the cruelty of taking advantage of that very natural human weakness and vulnerability, and dangling Sinjin in front of Hawke like the proverbial carrot to control him and to get him to co-operate.

This time they had been forced to use drugs and mind controlling techniques to bend Hawke to their will but who knew what they might resort to next time?

All that aside, the one thing that Dominic Santini really wanted to know was how Hawke was dealing with the disappointment.

It must have been a terrible let down for him, once he saw that it had all been an elaborate lie, and Santini could only guess at how Hawke must have felt once the realization had sunk in, that the man he 'saw' as Sinjin, because he had been conditioned to do so, was not really his beloved brother after all.

The poor guy must have been devastated.

Heart broken.

Thinking that at last, the one thing that had kept him going all these years, his need to see his older brother, alive and well, had finally come to fruition, only to find that it was all a cruel deception.

Sitting there in stoic, solemn silence, his best poker face in place, Santini wasn't in the least bit fooled. He knew that the younger man must be in purgatory right now.

Dominic also knew that there was no way to reach the young man, and help him, until he was ready to talk about it, and the only way to get him to do that, Santini decided with a heavy heart, was to provoke some kind of response from Hawke.

With a deep sigh, he reached out to pick up the empty beer bottle, having set it down on the floor beside the couch when he had done with it, and then rose a little awkwardly from the couch, back aching and knee joints protesting after having spent all that time hiding out in Airwolf's rear storage compartment earlier in the day. He wasn't built for spending any length of time in that confined space and his body was also now reminding him that he wasn't as young as he thought he was.

Santini sauntered over to the bar and placed the empty beer bottle on the counter beside Hawke, and this drew the younger man back from his thoughts and he raised his eyes to the older man's face, a weak smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.

"You want another one of those?" he offered, ever the perfect host, and again Santini emitted a soft harrumph, as he realized that just as he had suspected, he had been talking to himself, and Hawke frowned back at him, clearly wondering what he had missed while he had been lost in thought.

"No thanks. I was thinking maybe it was time I was shoving off," Santini responded to the questioning look on Hawke's face.

"You don't have to do that, Dom. You know you're welcome to stay."

"I thought maybe you could use some time on your own. It's been a helluva couple of days."

"You can say that again," Hawke drawled sarcastically and swiveled around on his barstool to look Santini squarely in the eye, instinctively knowing what was on his old friend's mind and that while he wasn't actually saying it in so many words, he was clearly concerned for him, anxious about his state of mind and how recent events had affected him.

"How ya doin?" Santini asked in a wary voice, but there was genuine concern in his dark eyes, and he was clearly surprised when Hawke responded.

"I don't know, Dom," Hawke emitted a long, shoulder raising sigh, a pained, sorrowful expression etched into his handsome features. "You tell me, how should I feel?"

"Angry, frustrated, disappointed, and then some," Santini offered and carefully eased himself down onto the empty stool beside Hawke. "Whatever you're feeling, kid, it's justified. It was a pretty cruel and despicable thing those folks did to you. Messin' with your mind like that."

"Yeah," Hawke growled, dropping his head briefly before lifting it again to regard Santini with troubled blue eyes.

"I really thought it was him you know. Sinjin. I really thought he was back and that it was over, all the uncertainty, the waiting," he gave another deep sigh. "It was a mixed blessing though Dom, because I was convinced that you were dead, and somehow, getting Sinjin back at the cost of losing you didn't seem like a fair trade either."

"You know if it was meant to be that way, I would not hesitate to give my life so that Sinjin could come home and the two of you could be together again," Santini reached out and lovingly gave Hawke's shoulder a gentle, fatherly squeeze. "I've had a good life, String, and if my time is up, I'd happily go, knowing that you two were together again, living the lives you were born for."

"I know all of that Dom, and I know you mean it, but I'd rather it didn't have to be either or, you or Sinj. I love you both and I need you both in my life. Both of you had a hand in making me the man that I am and I don't feel complete without either one of you."

Santini nodded, recognizing the truth in Hawke's words, knowing that it was the driving force behind his belief that his brother must still be alive some where out there and his need to keep looking for him, that so long as Sinjin was gone there was a big piece of himself missing.

"I can only imagine what it must have felt like, seeing him again after all this time."

"I couldn't believe my eyes for a minute. I guess my subconscious was trying to tell me that it was off, that it wasn't really him, but the drugs and the brainwashing won out, and I guess I really did want to believe it was him," Hawke confessed on a ragged breath, his eyes suddenly bright with tears.

"Of course you did, String. It's the one thing that's kept you going all this time. No wonder you believed it. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it. They knew what they were doing, using drugs and mind control to make you believe what you saw. You can't blame yourself, String. It was out of your hands. I'm sure, in your place, I would have done the same thing. I probably wouldn't have questioned it at all, just gone on believing, because, ok, maybe not so much as you do, I want it so badly too," Santini confided. "You wanna talk about it?"

Hawke lifted one shoulder in a weak, half hearted shrug.

"It's up to you, kid," Santini gave Hawke's shoulder another weak squeeze, and when it seemed like his young friend had clammed up and wasn't ready to speak, made to slide off the stool.

Hawke suddenly reached out, laying a stilling hand on Santini's knee and the older man regarded him with questioning eyes as he settled back in his seat, waiting patiently for Hawke to continue.

"It was …." Hawke began, and then his voice trailed away as he suddenly could not find the words he needed to describe the absolute joy and relief and exhilaration he had felt when he had realized that the man standing before him was his long lost brother, Sinjin Hawke.

He had felt as though his heart would explode with love, for despite his conviction that Sinjin had been alive all this time, deep down in his heart he had never really thought to see him again.

Seeing Sinjin standing there before him had been like a miracle, a dream come true, the heavy burden that he had been carrying for the past fifteen years, the guilt and the grief, suddenly lifted from his shoulders, and he had so wanted it to be true he had squashed those small, niggling doubts in the back of his mind and had embraced the idea with all his heart, just as he had embraced the man he believed was his beloved brother.

However, pretty soon those doubts had reared their head once more and this time he could not ignore the 'wrongness' of it all and had started to silently question all that he had been told, and most of what he had seen, but it had taken Susan's observation that there were two pictures on the television screens in the room they had used to brainwash him and had also used as a studio to broadcast the fake news bulletins about Prince Charles and Lady Di's divorce announcement, for him to realize that Sinjin hadn't returned at all and that he had been duped.

He had not really had time to examine how he felt about being so easily tricked, his only concern at that time being to get away from his captures and undo the damage he had done in revealing Airwolf's location to them.

He had shoved his personal feelings to the back of his mind so that he could deal with the dangers of the situation, but since getting home, once the excitement had died down and Archangel and the others had taken their leave, he had had nothing but time to examine his true feelings.

Astute as ever, Dominic had obviously been aware of the emotional turmoil going on inside him, but he had clearly been unsure how to deal with it, not knowing whether to tackle it head on and get him to open up and talk about it, or to leave him alone to work through it in his own good time and hope that when he was ready he would be able to share his thoughts and his feelings with his old friend.

Hawke too wasn't sure if he wanted to share his incandescent rage and his feelings of betrayal and vulnerability with Santini, his natural inclination to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself because he did not want to scare his old friend with the ferocity of his moods and the darkness and negativity of his thoughts, knowing that Santini would not be able to fully understand, but this once, he suspected that Dominic would be able to understand very well just how miserable, deflated and dejected he was feeling.

The one thing that he had been living for all these years had been finding Sinjin, the dream that kept him sane and the driving force that kept him functioning, the firm conviction that his brother was alive and one day he would see him again and it had just been dangled in front of him like a carrot in front of a donkey, and then snatched away from him again, and the thing that outraged him more than anything was the knowledge that it could happen again, that someone else could come along and manipulate him into believing that his brother was alive and then use that as a bargaining chip to get him to hand over Airwolf.

It was the one thing that would always make him vulnerable, the one thing that his enemies could prey on to control him and manipulate him to their own ends, and there was nothing that he could do about it, because he simply could not walk away from the belief that Sinjin really was still alive out there and one day he would find him and bring him home.

All he could do was grow a tougher outer shell and not be quite so trusting.

He was human, and if his enemies didn't use Sinjin against him, they would find some other way, he reasoned. He would just have to be more vigilant in the future, and another time, confide in Dominic and get his take on things instead of going off in pursuit of fulfilling his dream alone.

"It was like a miracle, Dom and it just felt so good," he confided now in a ragged voice, dropping his eyes briefly to squint away the tears welling up there. "He looked so good, so fit and well, and he was so convincing when he told me about the hours he spent in captivity, about building a house in his mind, brick by brick, timber by timber, to keep his sanity and take his mind off the hours of torture and interrogation," he explained and Santini listened in patient silence, his heart going out to the younger man as he spoke about his reunion with his 'brother' with such reverence and warmth.

"And I took it all in, soaked it up like a sponge," Hawke's tone grew harder now. "I was still reeling from finding out that you and Archangel were dead and Sinjin was alive and back in my life, I couldn't absorb it all objectively," he confessed.

"Nobody could, String, that's the point. It was all contrived that way so you wouldn't have time to think about it and analyze it, but you were smarter than them in the end, you worked out that something wasn't quite right and you fought against the programming," Santini pointed out reasonably. "Remind me again how you did that," Santini invited.

"Calluses."

"Huh?" Santini frowned.

"Calluses on my fingers. If I'd really been in a coma for eight months, my hands would have been smooth and not rough from working on engines or callused from playing my guitar and the cello, or chopping wood, and that made me realize that the rest of my body would have gotten weak and all the muscles would have been lacking in tone from not being used, and instead my body was still in good shape and I felt physically strong, but my mind was cloudy and weak, that was when I realized that something wasn't quite right and it probably had something to do with the stuff they were pumping into my arm."

"Drugs."

"Yeah. When I asked about it they just said it was a glucose solution, but I knew glucose wouldn't make my mind so slow and fuzzy. I yanked out the IV," Santini could not help wincing as he watched Hawke demonstrate the action. "And pretty soon the effects began to wear off and I realized that those people weren't who they claimed to be, but, I still thought he was Sinjin and I couldn't understand why he would be involved in something like that. And, of course, I'd already given Airwolf's location away to the man who told me he was Archangel's replacement at The Firm."

"Sure, they were smart, but you were smarter, kid, and you figured it out in the end."

"Yeah," Hawke ground out between clenched teeth now. "But not soon enough."

"Hey, what did I say about beating yourself up?" Santini scolded gently now. "Its over, String, you came through it, now you have to try to put it behind you and move on. What they did was cruel and heartless, but they didn't really succeed, and they didn't destroy your belief that Sinjin is still alive, did they?"

"No," Hawke replied quickly in a hard voice, a tight expression on his face now. "I know he's still out there, somewhere, Dom."

"Then what did they achieve exactly, String? Aside from planting the seed of self doubt in your mind?"

Hawke merely shrugged now, casting his eyes down once more.

"Maybe they did us a favor, String," Santini suggested in a low voice now. "They've well and truly put their cards on the table, and now we know that it's not just our own people that we have to be on our guard for. We now know that other powers know of Airwolf's existence, and how badly they want her for themselves," Santini pointed out.

"They've also made us both aware that we are susceptible, that when we try to go it alone we are weak, but when we work together, as a team, looking out for each other, back each other up, we are strong. We know each other so well, we instinctively know when something is wrong and the other is in trouble. So long as we believe in each other, String, so long as we turn to each other, and trust each other, people like that will never succeed in breaking us."

"Yeah," Hawke conceded on a soft sigh.

"I love him just as much as you do, String, you know that, and no-one knows more than I do how much you want him to be alive, how much you must have wanted to believe your eyes and accept that he really was home. I'm sorry it wasn't for real, this time, but you can't let it get to you. One day, you'll make that dream a reality, and maybe, God willing, I'll still be around to see it and share it with the both of you, but for now, kid, we have to pick up the pieces, pull ourselves together and get on with living our lives as best we can. I'm just glad they didn't hurt you."

"Yeah, me too," Hawke forced a weak smile to form on his lips although he could not help remembering the pain and heartache he had experienced when he realized that the man that he had so readily taken in to his arms and into his heart was not really his brother after all, aware that Dominic was referring to physical harm rather than to any emotional and psychological damage.

"Promise me something, String," Santini regarded him with a steady, serious expression on his face now and Hawke felt his heart drop, knowing what was coming next, Santini had already alluded to it, and deep down in his heart Hawke knew that it was not an unreasonable request.

"Next time, if there is a next time, don't just go tearing off on your own. You don't have to face these things alone, String. I'm always here for you, kid, you know that, and if it seems like it might be a reasonable lead, I'll be with you every step of the way. I can't help you if you leave me out in the cold, String," Santini admonished and Hawke found himself nodding in acceptance of the truth in the older man's words.

"Ok," Hawke acquiesced.

"I know you think you're protecting me, that you don't want to burden me with the worry and anxiety, or your afraid that I might think it's too whacky or unrealistic and try to talk you out of it, but if there really is a strong chance that you're on to something and we can get Sinjin back, I'd ride into hell beside you, kid, you know that."

"Yeah, Dom. I know that," Hawke acknowledged with a genuine smile on his lips now. "And thanks for pulling my buns out of the fire, again."

"You're welcome," Santini grinned now, feeling mildly relieved that his young friend had unburdened himself, just a little, hoping that in turn Hawke too might feel a modicum of relief and not allow recent events to drag him down into the deepest depths of despair.

"So, you want another beer now?" Hawke offered, and Santini knew that there was a silent invitation to stay the night behind the words, and was encouraged to believe that Hawke had more talking in mind, knowing that it would be no bad thing if the young man could find it in himself to open up a little more and confide his true feelings to him.

"Sure, sure, my throat is kinda dry after all this yakking," he smiled as he watched Hawke rise on his stool and lean over the bar counter to retrieve another bottle of beer for him.

"To us. The two musketeers. One for all and all for one," he picked up the bottle when Hawke had retrieved a new beer for himself from under the counter and gently clinked it against Hawke's. "There's strength in numbers, String, always remember that."

"Sure thing Dom, I guess you'll remember that when Tet decides he wants to share your bed," Hawke smirked now, deliberately lightening the mood as out of the corner of his eye he spotted Tet sneaking up onto the couch and claiming his spot for the night.

"No way," Santini blustered in outrage, turning his head to look back at the couch and finding the dog already entrenched there, yawning and snapping his jaw shut loudly.

"Hey, fleabag, get your ass off of my sack!" Santini growled at the old blue tick hound, but all he got in response was a long, loud groan.

"You know its first come, first served, around here, Dom," Hawke continued to smirk as he watched Santini stalk over to the couch and grab the dog by the scruff of his neck, gently trying to pull him off the couch, but the dog staunchly refused to be dragged off the seat.

"When this goofy dog starts flying stunts for Santini Air, then, he gets preference where he sleeps, over me," Santini grouched. "Now move it, mutt!"

"C'mon Tet, time we had our evening stroll," Hawke decided to take matters into his own hands, knowing that a walk and a little fresh air would help to clear his head and help him to get things back into perspective, finishing off the process that Dominic Santini had already started with his father/son chat.

He slid off the stool and tapping his leg lightly began to walk toward the front door. Immediately the elderly dog jumped carefully down off the couch, and came to heel in front of Hawke as he drew level with the couch.

"See you're finally teaching the kid some manners!" Santini chuckled, dusting off a few loose dog hairs from the couch seat before sitting down heavily and bending over to untie the laces of his boots. "You gonna be a parent, you gotta be responsible!"

Stringfellow Hawke gave the older man a pained look, silently strode across the room toward the door, and grabbing his jacket from the peg beside the door, exited without further comment, the dog hot on his heels as they disappeared out into the night, knowing that when he returned, Dominic Santini would be dead to the world and snoring like a baby moose, and at this thought, he could not stop a smile from forming on his lips.

It had indeed been a crazy couple of days, and he felt as though he had been through the wringer, but thanks to Dominic, his feet were planted firmly back on terra firma, and although it might take him a while to get over the emotional beating he had taken, he had to accept that nothing had really changed, and it had indeed been an eye opening experience that both he and Dom could use in a positive way in the future.