Valentin's Day Fic Exchange Event ended and here are the results of this lovely idea - five delicious Valentine's Day-themed stories written by different fic-writers!

This one is by GelibeanH20 and it is dedicated to The Joker's Ears and Eye.

Prompt: love letters

Hi! Geli, here. Even though this is a Valentines contest, I refuse to write fluff because it is slowly taking over my life. Instead, you will get a comedy. I hope that this is up to snuff for whoever submitted this idea! :3

Months, days and years were now meaningless to the world for a few reasons; one, there was almost no one left alive to keep track. Two, those few that were left have more important things to worry about than what time it was. There were two times of day: nighttime, and daytime.

For some reason, though, one of the few human beings left decided that it was important to keep track of the holidays.

"Mein minions!" declared Captain. His German accent turned all of the "W" sounds into "V"s, and gave him a habit of rolling his "R"s. He waved his hand in an extravagant gesture as he spoke, fancying himself to be an entertainer. Tea slopped onto the floor from the heart mug.

Snippy raised his gaze from his activity—polishing his rifle while he sat on a broken wicker chair. The flip-up lenses on his goggles gave the accurate appearance of him being nonplussed.

Pilot jumped up from the couch and bounced on his heels like a young child. "Sir?"

Engie hardly even bothered looking up at him. He was thumbing through an old robotics magazine, relaxing onto the stained couch.

"Are you aware of what day it is?" asked the Captain, tilting his head.

"No," said Snippy, his voice exasperated. "Why should we care?"

"Because the Captain asked you a question, you shoe!" shouted Pilot. "What day is it, my Captain?"

"Today," said the Captain, drawing himself up to his full height. "Is Valentine's day!"

Snippy stiffened. Oh, crap.

"So?" asked Engie, not quite comprehending the significance of this. "You managed to keep track of the days. Good job, Seven. What's your point?"

"My name is not Seven!" snapped Captain. His tone was so vicious, the engineer faltered. Even Pilot and Snippy winced. "And my point is that my minions are not showing enough affection for each other, as of late."

Snippy suppressed a snort. As of late?

"In any case," continued the Captain in a cheery voice which abruptly contrasted his anger that had made them cringe a few moments previously. "In any case, since it is zee day of Valen's tines, it is a delicious idea for you to compose little cards to give one another."

Snippy rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath about the unfairness of it all.

Captain's gaze swivelled in his direction. "Is there a problem, Mr. Snippy?"

He shook his head quickly. "No, sir."

"There shouldn't be, you shoe," mumbled Pilot, his shoulders hunched.

Snippy shot him a cold glare.

Captain played absently with the straw that was in his mug of tea. "Each card should have a small compliment inside it about the recipient. Because today is a day of harmony, there will be no put downs, snide or snippy comments." He glared at Snippy and the marksman edged away a little.

Geez, thought Snippy. This is going to be harder than I thought.

The Captain coughed a little. "Each person will give exactly three Valentines; no more, no less, and each Valentine will go to a separate person." He looked at Pilot, who twiddled his thumbs nervously.

"I would have given them all to my beloved Captain," he said quietly.

"And lastly," said Captain. "Robots are not allowed to receive any gifts, being machines who should not take up one's entire life."

Snippy, Pilot and Captain had their eyes on the Engineer, who slowly sank into the decrepit couch. He seemed to become exceedingly interested in his knees, and he studied them as if he had never seen them before.

"Yes, Captain," he said in a small voice.

Snippy was glad that his mask hid his smirk. The amusement vanished quickly, though, when he remembered just how much trouble ANNET caused the entire world, especially what was left of it. He frowned as he thought more about the Captain's mission.

There was a short pause.

"Well?" asked the Captain loudly. "What are you waiting for? The Valentines are due to be given out in one hour!"

Pilot sprinted out of the room, calling, "YES, CAPTAIN!" over his shoulder.

Snippy jumped to his feet and hustled off, not wanting any tea to be thrown at him.

Engie remained motionless. "Seven, you have got to be kidding me."

The Captain glowered at him. Engie found himself stiffening again under the intimidating stare.

"My name," he said in a growl. "Is Zee Captain. Do not question this fact, Alexander Gromov."

Engie found himself trembling a little.

"And furthermore. . ." The Captain walked up to him until he was towering over the Engineer, who felt about as small as a mouse. "You will not question my orders. Understood?"

"Y-yes, C-C-Captain," he stammered.

"Excellent!" he said, immediately jovial once again. "Off you trot, mein minion!"

Engie stumbled out of the room, his heart throbbing in his chest.

Of all the missions that Zee Captain had given Snippy, this was by far the worst. Not because it was difficult to acquire the Valentines—there was a demolished craft store nearby which had a few blank cards left in it—but for a few other reasons.

For one, he had a hard time doing the actual writing. It had been years since he had picked up a pencil. He had to practice for about fifteen minutes before his wobbly letters were decipherable, and he had to write for another ten to get back to his tidy script.

Finally, he thought, stretching his cramped fingers. He picked up the pencil once again, pulled a blank card towards himself and wrote at the top, To Pilot:

He paused. What could he say about Pilot that wasn't critical, offensive or mean? He racked his brains for a minute, thinking about every single interaction that the two of them have had. Not one of them had been good, he realized.

Damn, he thought, pushing the card away and picking up a different blank one. He wrote at the top on the inside, To Engie:

That's stupid, he reasoned. Only Captain calls him that. He erased this and rewrote, To Dr. Gromov:

He erased this, too. Too formal, he told himself. Besides, I don't really want to admit that he has a PhD.

He started again. To Alex:

He hesitated, his pencil hovering over the eraser-marked paper. Is this too informal? We're not really on a first name basis.

He left it like that, because the eraser was close to wearing a hole in the paper, and he couldn't find that many valentines cards that weren't damaged.

Snippy sighed. This is way too hard, he thought. He put his pencil to the paper and scrawled, Have a happy Valentines.

He couldn't think of what else to say. He couldn't think of anything nice to say, at least. He could think of plenty of criticisms and insults. For example, "You're a short little loser whose only real girlfriend was a computer", and "Congrats! You let the world end!"

He shook his head, pushed the card away and pulled the final blank one towards himself.

To Captain, he wrote. Happy Valentine's Day to you. You are-

Snippy trailed off again, not sure how to complete the sentence. Captain is what? Annoying? A freak? A highly inconsiderate and unsociable human being who would prefer to let his "minions" die before spilling his tea? No. He couldn't say that.

He dropped his pencil, put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. "Sunnovagun. . ."

He stood up and looked around the tiny room he was in. It was evidently an office at one point, with a rickety chair, a desk and what looked like something that had once been a bookshelf, but was now missing all the shelves and had a large pile of ash around the bottom. There was one tiny window, and he walked around the desk so he could peer out of it.

". . . No, that's a bad idea. Captain wouldn't like that."

Oh. Pilot. Snippy watched as the aviator sat on the ground outside, next to that little stuffed puffin of his and scribbled on a piece of paper.

"I can't think of anything nice to say about the shoe!" he exclaimed, slumping down over his work. "He's so ungrateful for the godly gift that is our Captain!"

Snippy frowned, remembering why he couldn't find anything good about Pilot. He looked on the ground next to him, and noticed that he had already finished two Valentines; the ones for Zee Captain and the Engineer.

How did he manage to find something nice to say about Gromov? Snippy wondered.

"Well," said Pilot loudly, putting his hands on his hips. "The shoe has always been loyal to Captain. The jiggly slug also has good aim with that shooty-gun of his and saved Captain from being eaten by Cancer. He also brings us food every day. Maybe I'll write that down." He went back to scribbling. He was humming happily as he worked.

So my efforts don't go unnoticed. They just go unacknowledged for the most part. Snippy stepped away from the window with a sigh. "Fantastic," he muttered. "Pilot's almost done and I've hardly started."

He sat back down in the chair with a thump. It complained under his weight, but Snippy hardly cared. He picked up the pencil again.

He looked down at Captain's card and let out a sigh. What has Captain done for me?

He thought back to when the fallout had first happened. He was stumbling around in the snow, alone. Just as he was convinced that he was going to die, he saw him. He was standing solitary in the snowy day. He turned and looked at him, declaring him to be his minion as soon as he clapped eyes on him. He had hauled him to his feet and brought him to a warm place where Snippy had something to eat for the first time in days.

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur, but Snippy was certain of one thing—without Captain, he would be dead by now.

Without thinking too much, he finished his sentence. You are the reason I am alive today. I owe you my life. I will always be in your debt.

He erased the last two sentences and replaced them with the simple phrase, Thank you.

He signed the card as Mr. Charles Snippy.

He looked down at his handiwork, a smile creeping over his face. He felt as if he was on a roll. He pulled Pilot's card towards himself and wrote, Your jumping skills are unlike anything I have ever seen. Are you sure you're not a ninja?

He chuckled a little as he wrote, From: The Shoe at the bottom of the card.

Snippy pulled the last card towards himself and just as he was about to write, he stopped. He stared down at the name Alex, his smile fading.

Alex.

Alexander.

Alexander Gromov.

Dr. Alexander Gromov, creator of ANNET.

Dr. Alexander Gromov, creator of ANNET, one of the last humans alive, virtual destroyer of the human race.

He dropped the pencil again and sighed. I'll never come up with anything nice to say about that man.

He rubbed his temples with his gloved fingers and thought. Well. . . You can't deny the fact that he's a genius.

Snippy grabbed the pencil again and wrote, You are-

Then he stopped again. He let out a frustrated groan and said, "Goddammit, there's no nice way to phrase it without mentioning ANNET."

He erased the start of the newest sentence and instead pushed his pencil against the worn paper and wrote, Thanks for fixing my rifle. Don't forget that your brains DO come in handy.

He paused. That's a little tart, he thought. I should say something else nice so it won't be mistaken as rude. It probably will be no matter what I say so. . . Whatever. I shouldn't care.

He was just about to put the card away when something stopped him. Gromov has had crap pitched at him for the last while from his crew mates. Maybe he deserves to read something nice about him, for once. He probably feels bad enough already. He probably already knows that what he's done is atrocious, horrendous and unforgivable.

Probably.

He added the final part. People never stop learning. I haven't, and I hope that you've learned something from the past. I have. We'll tough it out as a team.

He signed the card as Charles. It felt friendlier to him.

He tucked the valentines in the envelopes, grabbed the rifle that he had left leaning against the decaying wall, then headed out to face his team.

"Well done, mein minions!" cried the Captain joyously, clapping his hands together. They were back in the main room with the wrecked couch. Snippy and Engie were sitting on it not looking at each other while Pilot sat on the floor with his chin resting in his hands, looking up at Zee Captain as if spellbound.

Snippy looked over at the mug which sat on a nearby table, the steam rising into the air and curling in sinister tendrils. There was something strange about that mug which he couldn't quite place, and it made him feel eerie.

"I see you have made each other zee lovely valentines!" said Zee Captain. "Pilot, would you like to share yours first?"

The aviator leapt to his feet, gave an over exaggerated salute and said, "Yes, Captain, sir!" He reached inside his leather jacket and pulled out three cards. "First, I give one to my one and only Captain!" he handed it to him with great reverence.

Zee Captain opened up the wrinkled card and read aloud, "To the best Captain the world has ever seen: You are the reason that I am alive today, your worship, and I will always hold you dear. Love, Pilot." Captain closed the card and said, "That was lovely, mein Pilot! Pass one to Mister Engie."

"Yessir!" he said, handing the next one to Alexander.

Engie opened it, looking bored and read in a monotone voice, "To Engie: You're very smart, thanks for fixing my broken arm. From, Pilot." He looked up, forcing a smile. "Thanks, Pi."

"No problem!" he said cheerfully. He turned to Snippy, pouted a little and said, "Here," as he held out the last Valentine.

Snippy looked down at it. He felt a little touched when he saw that Pilot drew a picture of him on the outside cover. It looked as if a five year old had drawn it, but that was alright. When he opened it up, his expression became a little irritated as he saw that he had drawn a shoe.

"Dear Mr. Snippy," read Charles aloud. "You may be a shoe, but you're an okay shoe. Thanks for being loyal to my Captain and bringing us food every day. From, Pilot."

Snippy grinned genuinely. "Thanks, Pilot."

Pilot nodded. "I'm glad you like it. Now it's your turn, you shoe!"

Snippy sighed and stood, passing out the cards with a resigned look. He watched as everyone read them out loud and nodded in acknowledgement. Captain gave him what could be perceived as a sly look, Pilot gave him an unprecedented hug, but Engie didn't say anything at all. Snippy stared hard at him, but the engineer didn't meet his gaze, not even when he handed his own cards around.

Captain read his aloud. "To Subject Seven," he began.

Snippy winced as Captain said to Engie, "My name is Zee Captain! How many times must I tell you this?"

"Sorry," he said quickly. "I wasn't thinking."

"Evidently not," said Captain. He cleared his throat. "Have a happy Valentine's day. Your luck never ceases to amaze me."

Captain gave him a look. "That is predictable, Engie. This card gets an adequate mark."

Pilot pouted as he read his. "I'm not childish!" He looked back at the card and held it close to his face. "But I do like the picture of my Captain."

Snippy was almost afraid to open his card, but he did. Mostly due to the fact that Captain gave him a hard glare.

He opened the card with one hand and read the contents silently.

To Charles: Have a happy Valentine's Day. I hope you realize how much you mean to the squad. Without you, I doubt that we would still be alive. Your rifle scope looks a little rusty. I can fix it, if you like. From, Alex

Snippy tilted his head slightly as he read the message. Well, he thought. It's nice to know that he acknowledges my existence.

He lifted his gaze to meet Engie's. Snippy gave a little nod and a two finger salute in his direction. Gromov seemed to perk up a little bit, comforted that at least one of his cards turned out to be successful.

"And now," said Zee Captain, sweeping his arm in an extravagant gesture. "It is my turn!"

Snippy sat up straight and held out a hand to receive the card that Captain gave him. He opened it and read, Sehr geehrte Snippy: Happy Valentines! Sie sind ein sehr gutter Schüsse, meine snippy Scharfschützen! Bin ich immer noch in Ihrem Kopf? Mit modischen sexappeal, der Kapitän.

Snippy faltered. What?

Captain rubbed his palms together, excitement betrayed in his posture. "Well? What do you think?"

Snippy looked up at him and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't speak German."

Pilot shook his head sadly. "Neither do I."

Engie gave him a look. "My German's a little rusty. All I made out was the word "Kapitän"."

"Ah," said Captain. "I was afraid of this. Hand them back."

Snippy didn't have time to think before the card was plucked out of his fingers by his Captain.

Is he confiscating them because I can't read German? Snippy wondered.

He wasn't. Captain cleared his throat again and read Pilot's card aloud. "Mein Pilot: Have a happy Valentines. You are most definitely one of my most loyal minions. You shall go far in zee ranks. From, Captain."

Pilot clapped his hands together in delight.

Captain flipped to Engie's card. "Mister Engie: Have a happy valentines! Your brains are mightier than your brawns. The force is strong with this one. Sincerely, Zee Captain."

Engie looked a bit quizzical. "That kind of sounds like a line from an old twentieth century movie or something."

Captain steamrolled on, picking up Snippy's card last. "And last, but not least, Mein Sniper." He cleared his throat again. "Dear Snippy: Happy Valentines! You are a very good shot, mein Snippy Sniper! Am I still inside your head? With fashionable sexiness, Zee Captain."

Snippy stiffened. Are you still inside my head? Of course you are. Since when are you not?

He felt a chill down his spine. He could swear that he heard the word, "Good" whispered in his ear. He looked around, but no one was next to him. He shivered.

Captain passed out the cards again. "Keep zem safe! They may bring comfort in zee times of trouble!" He straightened, grasped his mug and said loudly, "Now, what kind of adventures are we going on today? I think that I have a certain billboard that I need to pay a long overdue visit to."

Zee End.

Geli again. Send me a PM if you want to critique (because I'm just a chapter, I'm not the author of the whole thing. :3) DO YOU GET THE BILLBOARD REFERENCE? IF NOT, READ THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE COMIC.

As per usual, I don't own any of the characters.