A/N: Okay, story behind this was that it was originally meant for Chapter 27 in Another Hundred Warblers, but I started writing and I couldn't stop. More ideas kept popping up and this is now the longest oneshot I've ever written. Yes, it is a little song-heavy (in comparison with some of my other work), but there's lots of dialogue and some of my OCs pop up. The fic was supposed to cut after they say "I do."
"Oh God, I can't believe this day has come." Nick was in a black tux and pacing the dressing room. "I don't know if I can do this. I'm so nervous. I love Jeff; I really, really do, but fuck…!
"Pardon me, is everybody there?
Because if everybody's there, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding
I appreciate you going; even more, I mean you must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of this to Jeff
Remember, Jeff, you know the man I'm going to marry, but I'm not
Because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
But I thank you all for the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all, now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Jeff, but I'm not getting married today"
Nick walked down the hallway and peered out into the congregation. Everyone was there: Warblers, New Directions, his family, Jeff's family, even Reverend Ralston from his family's church was there. He leaned against the wall and sighed.
"Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding? What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever which is maybe the most horrifying word I've ever heard
And which is followed by a honeymoon where suddenly he realizes he's saddled with a nut and kill me which he should
So thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married
Go have lunch 'cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand but I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married
And don't tell Jeff 'cause I'm not getting married today
Go, can't you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye, go and cry at another person's wake
If you're quick for a kick, you could pick up a Christening
But please, on my knees, there's a human life at stake
Listen, everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
But do you want to see a crazy man fall apart in front of you?
It isn't only Jeff who may be ruining his life, you know, the both of us will be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday
But by Monday, I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage
I'm not well, so I'm not getting married
You've been swell; but I'm not getting married
Clear the halls 'cause I'm not getting married
Thank you all, but I'm not getting married
And don't tell Jeff, but I'm not getting married today"
"Nick?" Kurt called out. "Where are you?"
"Go, can't you go? Well, you know, I adore you all
But why watch me die like Eliza on the ice?
But perhaps, I'll collapse in the aps right before you all
So take back the cake, burn the shoes, and boil the rice
Look, I didn't want to tell you
But I may be coming down with Hepatitis
And I think I'm gonna faint
So if you wanna see me faint
I'll do it happily, but wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?
So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates
And thirty-seven butter knives
And forty-seven paperweights
And fifty-seven candle holders
I'm not getting married
But I'm not getting married
Still I'm not getting married
See, I'm not getting married
I'm not getting married today!"
Nick pushed open the back door of the church and looked around before someone caught his shoulder.
"Nick, where are you going?" Kurt asked.
"I can't do this. I'm way past normal freaked out," Nick replied shakily.
"You love Jeff, don't you?"
"Of course I love him. I've loved him endlessly since sophomore year." Nick leaned against the brick wall. "I'm so scared, Kurt."
"Blaine and I will be right there with you. You saw everyone, right? One of your old friends even crashed because I didn't bother to invite him."
"You didn't send Sebastian an invitation?" Nick asked, looking at Kurt, who raised an eyebrow. "Well, there was the slushie incident, but still… You invited Hunter, right?"
"Yes, I did, even if he was a total dick to me on his way in," Kurt muttered. "I think he and Sebastian are together. They were holding hands and making gross PDA. Anyway, get your butt in there and marry Jeff."
"But…"
"Nick, do you want me to start spilling secrets to the congregation? Remember in sophomore year when I found you jerking off to pictures of Justin Bieber?"
"Don't you dare tell anyone about that!" Nick turned bright red.
"Then I suggest you get in there before I do," Kurt smirked. Nick ran in and rushed down the aisle.
"We are here to join these two in holy matrimony," a familiar voice said. Nick did a double-take when he saw Joel Richardson holding the Bible between him and Jeff.
"What-what are you doing here? I thought you were an Atheist," Nick hissed.
"I am an ordained minister of the Christian Life Church," Joel replied.
"You know that's a scam, right?" Jeff pointed out.
"Hey, local government didn't say a word and I have a license, so shut it." Joel cleared his throat. "If anyone has any reason as to why these two fine young men should not be married, please speak now or forever hold your silence."
"Nicholas Wayne Duval, you're gay?!" A voice screeched. Everyone turned to see a tall redhead standing in the doorway.
"Aw, geez," Nick moaned, shielding his face.
"Who may I ask are you?" Jeff called, turning to face the girl.
"I'm Ellie Howard, Nick's girlfriend of six months," she huffed.
"Nick?" Jeff turned to his husband-to-be. Nick swallowed and found everyone's eyes on him.
"Okay, look, Mom, Dad, you can back me up on this," Nick started to explain. "Ellie was my beard. I just came out to my parents about three weeks ago. I haven't had any contact with Ellie since." Nick looked over to his parents, who stood up.
"Everything Nicholas says is correct. Narissa and I actually suspected something, seeing as how much time Jeff spent with Nick more than anyone else when the two went to Dalton," Norton Duval explained.
"It's because of them that Nate and I became best friends," Jenny, Jeff's older sister, spoke up. She nudged Nate, who sighed.
"Yeah, well, if those two never met, then Jen wouldn't have set me up on that horrible blind date," Nate recalled.
"That was ten years ago. Why do you keep holding that against me? I didn't know your blind date was the guy who nearly blinded Blaine, okay? I'm sorry!" Jenny snorted.
"Wait, what did I do?" Sebastian stood up, still holding Hunter's hand.
"You?! You're here?!" Nate looked shocked. "Forget it. Just move the ceremony along, please."
"Okay," Kurt interjected, "so Ellie was just Nick's beard until he came out. Joel, can you keep reading?"
"Anyway, do you, Nicholas Wayne Duval, take Jeffrey Silas Sterling to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, 'til death do you part?"
"I do," Nick breathed.
"Jeff?"
"I do."
"And I now pronounce you husband and husband, you may kiss the groom." Joel sounded bored. The two kissed passionately for a prolonged time before Joel pulled them apart.
"Okay, boys, that's enough. Save it for the honeymoon."
"So you're here too? I take it you're on good terms with my little brother?" Nate asked Sebastian at the reception.
"Yes, I apologized to Blaine and everybody and now we're all peachy, okay?" Sebastian said before moving past Nate to Hunter.
"Hmm, looks like ten years still hasn't taught him any manners," Nate observed. Jenny stood next to him, holding a glass of white wine. "You're drinking now? We're due on stage in five minutes."
"I'll still be able to sing, Nathan. You should know that," Jenny scoffed. "It takes more than three glasses of wine to get me wild."
"Remind me why we're best friends," Nate muttered.
"Let's go." Jenny grabbed Nate's hand and pulled him towards the stage. "This song is for our little bros, okay? It's called Brother, My Brother and it's by the Blessid Union of Souls, like anyone's heard of them." She grabbed the mic and started to sing.
"It's about time they got married." Louis was sitting next to Kurt and Blaine. "You could see it coming from miles away. Now I have to deal with finding a man of my own."
"What happened to Christian?" Kurt asked.
"Well, when he found out about the time I slept with Sebastian, he accused me of having a bunch of STDs and dumped me," Louis sighed.
"I thought he was straight," Blaine muttered.
"Yeah, was," Louis smirked. "That was…what…eight years ago. I've been going to Scandals almost nightly for a sex outlet, but none of them fit my standards."
"There's a thing called lowering your standards," Kurt said. "What are your standards anyway?"
"Promise you won't judge me for being specific?" Kurt and Blaine nodded. "I'm looking for a white and/or someone of Caucasian descent male, clean, smooth, at least a six-inch cock, and a place to host. Unfortunately, most of the guys there nowadays are teenagers with fake IDs."
"What do you do with them?" Blaine asked.
"Do we really need a look into the non-existent sex life of Louis Herlihy?" Nick interjected. Louis scoffed and reached back, swatting Nick. "Ow, what'd you do that for?"
"What do you think? Why don't you go sit with your husband and enjoy the musical doings of your brother and your sister-in-law?"
"They're done and whoever's up next, it's their turn."
"Hi, everybody, my name is Hunter Clarington and this is my boyfriend, Sebastian Smythe," everyone spun around at this, "and in honor of Nick and Jeff, we will be performing Whitney Houston's "All the Man That I Need"." Jeff popped up next to Nick and leaned on his shoulder.
"Who invited Sebastian Smythe?" Rachel demanded, walking over, hand-in-hand with Finn.
"He crashed the wedding," Kurt replied. "He probably got in with Hunter."
"Hey, guys," a new voice said. The small gathering looked up to see a shock of black hair they hadn't seen since high school.
"Morgan? Is it really you?" Sam asked, coming over and embracing the man.
"Yes, Sam, it's me." Morgan hugged Sam back.
"I thought you hated Nick and Jeff," Rachel spoke up.
"I don't hate them. Sure, they get on my nerves, but they get on everyone else's, so…you know," Morgan shrugged. "Thanks for the invite, Kurt."
"You invited him?" Nick looked at Kurt in surprise.
"What? He's a cool guy. Besides, I remember that great moment in high school when he smacked you both a good one for disguising yourselves as girls," Kurt chuckled.
"Don't get me started on those days," Morgan said. "I still remember the mash-up incident where Blainers stole my idea and gave it to Niff."
"Remember how we ended up together?" Blaine winked.
"Ugh, don't remind me."
"Hey, cuz, what's up?" Nate slapped Blaine on the back and sat down with them, Jenny behind him.
"Just because my Uncle Max got married to your Aunt Caitlin does not mean we're cousins," Blaine grumbled.
"Yes, it does," Kurt said to scattered agreements. He then winced and covered his ears; Sebastian had cracked a note and screeched. "Get off the stage!"
"Shut it, Hummel!" Sebastian barked.
"You weren't even invited, so get off the damn stage before I call security!" Kurt shot back. Sebastian scowled and jumped off the stage, followed by Hunter.
"My turn." Blaine hurried off.
"What is he gonna sing?" Nick asked Kurt, who shrugged.
"I don't know, but I have my suspicions," A familiar pop instrumental started up. "I was right."
"He does think he's pretty, that's why he still loads his hair up with all that damn gel. It's his makeup," Joel observed. "Blaine's like the definition of that fucking song."
"You will not believe how many times I've heard it over the years," Kurt mused. "It was our wedding song, which goes to show that Blaine should never plan a wedding."
"Remember the wedding you planned for me and Finn?" Rachel asked.
"Ah, yes, how could I forget? You got so wasted at the bachelorette party that you threw up on Rabbi Kuzinofsky." Kurt started cracking up at the memory. "That was by far the funniest thing from anyone's wedding that I've planned."
"What about when Santana threw half of the wedding cake at Sam for making a comment about their sex life at her and Brittany's wedding?" Jeff asked.
"Still not as memorable," Kurt said.
"Oh yeah, what about finding you and Blaine in the closet before your wedding?" Joel grinned wickedly and Kurt turned a new shade of red. "Blaine was naked, you were sucking his dick, and we all saw it. Your dad was going to kill Blaine. It was hilarious."
"I'll make sure something crazy happens at your wedding if it ever happens." Kurt crossed his arms and sunk down in his seat.
A few minutes later, Sam, Morgan, and Joel were onstage, ready to sing.
"With the help of Sam and Morgan, I'm going to sing the same song Nick and Jeff sang for Regionals in 2010 before some crazy shit happened and they disappeared. Where they went remains a mystery to me, and I'd like to keep it that way. Hit it.
"Hey, baby, thought you were the one who tried to run away
Ooh, baby, wasn't I the one who made you want to stay
Please don't bet that you'll ever escape me
Once I get my sights on you
"Got a license to kill (to kill)
And you know I'm goin' straight for your heart
Got a license to kill (to kill)
Anyone who tries to tear us apart
Got a license to kill
Oh, license to kill
"Hey, baby, think you need a friend to stand up by your side
Yes, you do (your side)
Ooh, baby, now you can depend on me to make things right (things right)
Please don't bet that you'll ever escape me
Once I get my sights on you
"Got a license to kill (to kill)
And you know I'm goin' straight for your heart
(Got a license to kill)
Got a license to kill (to kill)
Anyone who tries to tear us apart
Got a license to kill
(Got a license to kill)
Got a license to kill
And you know I'm goin' straight for your heart
(Got a license to kill)
Got a license to kill (to kill)
Anyone who tries to tear us apart
(Got a license to kill)
"Say that somebody tries to make a move on you
In the blink of an eye, I'll be there too
And they better know why I'm gonna make 'em pay
Till their dying day
Till their dying day
Till their dying day
"Got a license to kill (to kill)
And you know I'm goin' straight for your heart
Got a license to kill (to kill)
Anyone who tries to tear us apart
Got a license to kill
Got a license to kill (to kill)
And you know I'm goin' straight for your heart
(Got a license to kill)
Got a license to kill (to kill)
Anyone who tries to tear us apart
Got a license to kill
Ooh, license to kill
No, you gotta hold on to your lovin'
Ooh, license to kill
Kill…"
Everyone applauded and Joel jumped off the stage, where he was hugged by Nick and Jeff.
"I love you guys too," he said.
"Wow, Joel, for once, you didn't freak out when they hugged you," Kurt noted upon Joel's return to the table.
"I'm not as paranoid as I used to be," he replied.
"Best wedding reception ever," Nick and Jeff agreed and stood up.
"Like a warrior that fights
And wins the battle
I know the taste of victory
Though I went through some nights
Consumed by the shadows
I was crippled emotionally
Somehow, I made it through the heartache
Yes, I did, I escaped
I found my way out of the darkness
Kept my faith (I know you did)
Kept my faith
"When the river was deep, I didn't falter
When the mountain was high, I still believed
When the valley was low, it didn't stop me, no, no
I knew you were waiting
I knew you were waiting for me."
A/N: If you managed to read this whole thing, do you mind leaving a review in the box below?