Summary: Our favorite Gryffindor has just turned sixteen and is going to get the wildest, strangest, wonderful present ever: True love. And its not with Ron, thank you very much.
AN: Okay, this is meant to be childish, uncoordinated and without an ounce of though poured into it so if anybody ignored this warning and reads on anyway, finding that they can not stand this and decides to flame me anyway--WTH!! I wrote this to warn you so that you know that this isn't meant to be taken seriously. If anybody can't understand that, then you're obviously floating somewhere in La-La Land. Or think the Tooth Fairy is still going to fly on over and bring you that 25.50 you know you're owed for that bloodied up piece of tooth. Got it?
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and has absolutely no claim by the author that the novel it is based on belongs to her. All the characters rightfully belong to J.K. Rowling and any OC characters belong to me.
Thoughts, flashbacks or foreign tongue are in italic
Spells, incantations and potions are in bold
Any emphasis on a particular word or set of words are underlined
Surprise, Surprise
Prologue: Just Mental or Bloody Brilliant?
Sometimes all you had to do was take a step and fall to your death. Or just fall. Which was what just happened to one Hermione Granger, titled by her adoring classmates as the know-it-all, bookworm or Gryffindor Princess. Secretly she called herself the Virgin Queen. Whenever she thought of her self-proclaimed title, she had to snicker because that title--well, she was no virgin. Anyway, she had fallen down the stairs as it had been moving and she hadn't noticed because she was arguing with Ron about S. P. E. W. for the third time that day.
So it was no wonder that she didn't realize she was going to die until the screams of her two closest friends drowned our her thoughts to the point that she felt that howling was not her subconscious scolding her for writing a ten foot essay on the Felix Felicis instead of a thirteen foot essay. Nope, that howling turned out to be the wind tearing at her hair and face as she free fell into empty air.
Marvelous.
"Hermione! For bloody sake, open your eyes and do something! You're falling for Merlin's sake!! Do you hear me? You're falling!" There. That was Ron being the insensitive git he loves to be and show off. But where was Harry? Wasn't he worried about me, too? Or was he so infatuated with Ginny that he couldn't care less if she fell to her death? And what in the hell did Ron think when he yelled, 'Do something!'? What did he think she was…A freaking Genie?
"Wingardian Leviosa!! Wingardian Leviosa!! Work, damn you! Why won't this stupid wand work right? Hermione! Hermione!" Oh, there he was. So, he did care after all. How fascinating. But wait, why were they yelling at her for again? Hmm…oh, I think it was…was…Bloody hell…
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! Help me! Somebody help me! I'm falling, I'm falling!!" She sounded hysterical, she knew. But she could care less. Who worries about being crazy if they were going to die anyway? Oh, if there be a God, a higher power, Minerva, Hera, Hades, Capricorn, Buddha, Amataresu--whatever! If there's someone up there, help me. Or down there. Satan cuts deals doesn't he? What's a soul here or there if it means you outlive your teenage years, right? Her eyes cut to the apparently ecstatic ground that desperately wanted to kiss her. I swear on blood, tears and parchment that I will never speak ill of these stairs ever again. I'll wash them top to bottom. No! Side to side and even dust the railings every once in a while. Yeah. That'll make them happy, right? Right? Hermione sensed the floor was very near and her life about to end. Goodbye Hogwarts. Goodbye Ron and Harry. Goodbye Mom and Dad. Goodbye world. Goodbye.
The ground was coming closer, closer, closer, closer and closer--
"Soricseam Metinaes!!" That voice…where had she heard it from? Her brows furrowed as she tried to think of why the voice sounded so familiar to her and irrationally made her annoyed for some reason she couldn't name.
However, her thoughts were ripped from her when her fall was abruptly brought to an end. Wha--?
"And here I thought you were the smart one out of the 'Golden Trio'. Guess I was wrong. A pity. I actually thought you were something else. I guess that was just from all the brain cells I lost from the sucker punch in third year." A smooth, deep voice drawled very close to her face.
Hermione felt odd. Very, very odd. She was obviously hallucinating if she thought that he--the bloody Slytherin bastard, someone once thought to be the heir of Slytherin himself, Draco Malfoy would ever save the muggle-born, Gryffindor Bookworm, Hermione Granger. Yes, there was no other explanation for it. She was dead and now she was in Hell. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!
But she was dead now, so that means she didn't have to hold back on the cursing anymore did she? Her eyes glittering maliciously and with the greatest intent to cause bodily harm, she opened her mouth and, believing to be dead so she had no reason to be so damn pious all the time, thoroughly cursed him out.
"Oh, sod off, Draco Damn Malfoy! Who knew you would be such a long-winged old fart anyways? What--mommy dearest didn't feed you your breakfast of muggle babies and mud blood juice today? Aww…how obviously tragic for the likes of you! Of course, we have to help you now don't we? So how about this?" And Hermione looked into the face of her mortal enemy who, though he had just saved her life and she still refused to believe it, was still the biggest git of all. "Why Don't you go knocking on Hagrid's door and ask to borrow Fang for a bit, you know, then when he shits all over your shiny new robes and you've got that ferret face back on you, you can pick it up and chow down! There, problem solved."
Hermione couldn't believed that she was saying this, but she was dead wasn't she--and who cared about what the dead had to say?
She smirked.
He stared at her dumbfounded, cheeks slowly reddening from anger.
"Happy?"
!!
Author's Note: Hey everybody! So, this is my first time as an author and I'm putting up my first story! Yeeeee!! Isn't that great? But, oh, whatever--I hope its not too bad. But tell me what you think, okay? So review, review, review!!