To Feel Alive Again
Disclaimer: I solemnly swear I don't own Degrassi.
Notes: You might not enjoy this if you're a Parcy fan. It's not nice to Darcy and Peter's first time.
That was it. That was the great and magical thing that everyone talked about. Sex. It was good, it felt good, but it wasn't what I thought it would be. I thought it would be the best night of my life, that the girl of my dreams would be mine in every single way. Even if we waited until marriage, I would've been okay with that, if it made Darcy happy. Looking back, I wished we would've waited. I felt like she used me to fill a hole inside her heart, to make her believe that sex could be beautiful and loving, even if it wasn't. I guess it's the price I paid for using girls to make myself feel better. Now I was being used and I hated it. Throughout our first time, we just went through the motions. There was no passion, no screaming for more, no sweet whispers of love. We felt nothing, we were nothing. I can never tell her this. It will break her heart and it'll only make her feel bad about herself. I never told anyone this, because I didn't want to feel like a selfish prick after what she had been through. However, I decided I couldn't take holding it in and I told Riley about how I lost my virginity. I couldn't control myself, so I cried and he simply held me in his arms.
"I will never do that to you. When we're together, it'll be because I love you, and want you, not to make myself more complete." He said softly.
"I feel really bad about what I said, but it's true. It's not how I wanted it to be. I know it sounds selfish, but I wanted to feel happy and everything else you should feel during sex." I admitted.
"I promise you it will be so much better. I want to make you feel special, beautiful, and loved. No one will ever use you again." He assured me, as he touched my hand.
I cried again, not out of pain, but out of happiness. I was in love, so deeply in love with him. I no longer cared about what other people thought or that I was still attracted to girls. I had never felt so alive.