The Whitest Phantoms U'Know: Nail Gun

by The-Phanatics

This is basically our attepmt at a parody of a sketch from The Whitest Kids U'Know with three of the characters and the author of the novel. Hope you like!

Whitest Phantoms U'Know!

Nail Gun

Cast:

Mother- Madame Giry

Father- Gaston Leroux

Kids-Erik, Raoul, Nadir

( The camera opens to a living room where we see Erik, Raoul, and Nadir hitting each other in a game. Madame Giry and Gaston enter from the left.)

(Kids are hitting each other. Madame Giry and Gaston enter from the left.)

Madame Giry: Boys, boys, boys settle down, listen up. Um, you're father and I are going to the store –

Gaston: To buy lubricant.

Madame Giry: Gaston!

Gaston: And anal nitrate.

(Erik, Raoul, and Nadir make a look of disgust)

Gaston: Y'see boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point where a lot of married couples reach, where we begin to grow tired of the mundane routine. At this point, a lot of couples to have extramarital affairs.

Kids: Aww Dad!

Gaston: Hey, hey let me finish. So in order to avoid the pitfalls that besets so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial sex.

(Boys make sounds of disgust.)

Gaston: Hey, hey hold on; so instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole.

Kids: Awww Dad!

Gaston: Hey, hey now that's called being a good Dad, ok? Everybody's happy! I'm definitely happy, your mother's not being cheated on, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop! The family's all together.

(Awkward silence)

Erik: Dad, go to the store.

Madame Giry: Ok we're going, we're going.

Gaston: The other perk is I get to bust in it!

Kids: Awwwww c'mon!

Madame Giry: Ok, now boys, we don't want any incidents last time, alright? So we want all of you to be good.

Raoul: We will Mom.

Gaston: Be safe, kids.

(Madame Giry and Gaston exit on the right. Erik, Raoul, and Nadir look, waiting for them to be gone. All three have a mischievous look in their eyes. The door closes and then they rejoice)

Kids: NAIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL GUNNNN!

(Erik pulls out a nail gun)

Erik: Hey Raoul, lemme shoot an apple off your head!

Raoul: I don't have an apple on my hea–

(Erik shoots a nail into the middle of Raoul's forehead and Raoul drops dead)

Erik: NAILLLLL GUNN! MWAHAHA!

Nadir: Awww, Erik, you killed him!

Erik: Yeah, killed him with the NAIIILLLLL GUN!

Nadir: No! He's really dead, man look!

Erik: Aw, man he's getting blood everywhere!

Nadir: OOOOO! You're gonna get in so much TROUBLE!

Erik: You're gonna get in trouble too; we were both playing with the nail gun!

(Pause for thinking)

Nadir: It doesn't sound right when you say it that way.

Erik: We–we were both playing with the NAILLLLLL GUN! What are we gonna do?

Nadir: There's gotta be some way we can bring him back to life!

Erik: Now…are you sure about that…there would be one less mouth for Mom to feed and I'd finally have room to put that pipe organ in….

Nadir: Awww c'mon the last time you tried to kill him we both got grounded for three weeks and that in itself sucked! Now c'mon, help me think here, man!

(They come to an immediate epiphany)

Erik and Nadir: THE NECRONOMICON!

Erik: Top shelf, dude!

(Nadir exits on the left and comes back with the NECRONOMICON)

Erik: Chapter 18.

(Nadir flips through book quickly and then extends his hand over Raoul's lifeless body)

Naidr: JUMANJI!

(Raoul comes back to life mortified and the nail is still stuck in his head)

Erik: It worked!

Raoul: I'VE SEEN HORRIBLE THINGS! I'VE BEEN TO THE LAKE OF FIRE! A SECOND YEAR OF MILLEUN AIDS!

Erik: Yeah, well calm down, man you're ok now.

Raoul: MY DICK SPILIT OPEN! AND LOCUSTS FLEW OUT!

(Nadir makes a painful sound sympathizing with Raoul)

Raoul: A BADGER RAPED ME WITH A THRODED COCK!

Erik: Ugh, you had anal? Gay!

Raoul: IT WAS SO GAY! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GAY IT WAS!

Nadir: Well, Raoul you're all right now.

Erik: Yeah, be quiet, Mom and Dad are gonna be home any minute.

Raoul: THEY TURNED MY RECTUM INSIDE OUT AND NAILED IT TO A FENCE POST! I DROWNED IN WASPS!

Erik: Ok, Raoul, be quiet!

Raoul: I GOUGED MY EYES OUT TO STOP SEEING THE HORRORS! BUT THEY ONLY GREW BACK!

(Gaston and Madame Giry reenter hand in hand and fast paced, Gaston seems eager)

Gaston: Outta my way! I got a marriage to save!

(The two exit off and the scene forwards itself. Erik and Nadir, at this point are pretending to listen to Raoul as he goes on about what he saw in Hell)

Raoul: EVERY STEP I TOOK I STUBBED MY TOE! THEY ONLY GAVE ME THUMB TACKS TO EAT!

Nadir: That sounds pretty shitty, Raoul.

Raoul: MY DICK SPILIT OPEN! AND LOCUSTS FLEW OUT!

Erik: Yeah, you already told us that.

Raoul: WELL, IT HAPPENED A LOT!

(Gaston enters, happy as can be.)

Gaston: Well, boys, am I glowing?

(Erik and Nadir make a disgusted look as Raoul is still mortified by what had happened to him.)

Gaston: Boys, for the rest of the day do NOT smell this finger.

(He sniffs his finger and Erik and Nadir make faces of disgust)

Raoul: THE WORST PART IS SINCE I'VE BEEN TO THEIR WORLD, THEY CAN CONTROL MY BODY!

(As Raoul is saying this, Erik and Nadir are trying to get him to be quiet and control him and Raoul grabs Nadir by the neck.)

Gaston: Hey! What's wrong with Raouly?

(Erik and Nadir get a hold of him and think for a moment to make up a quick lie.)

Nadir: Nothing!

Raoul: MY SOUL IS MERGED WITH ALL THAT DIED AND ALL THAT WILL DIE!

Gaston: Hey, that sounds like Hell-speak, what have you boys been up to in here?

Nadir: Ahhhh rehearsing for a play!

Erik: Yeah! We're just running lines.

Gaston: You were running lines? You didn't "accidentally" kill Raoul with a nail gun and have to bring him back from the depths of Hell?

Erik and Nadir: No!

Raoul: CARPE DIEM! CARPE DIEM!

Gaston: Hey! That's Latin! Honey! Bring me the Holy Water!

Raoul: FUCK MY PUSSY! FUCK MY PUSSY! FUCK MY PUSSY! FUCK MY PUSSY!

(As Raoul says this, Erik and Nadir are still trying to keep him quiet and Madame Giry comes in from the right with a small bowl of Holy Water.)

Gaston: Ok, now you two! I am very upset that you went and killed your brother with a nail gun, after we specifically told you to be careful! However, I am pleased to see that you were smart enough to use the Necronomicon in a pinch. Now both of you go up to your room, you're grounded for two months.

Erik: But Dad!

Nadir: The sock hop!

Gaston: I'll sock your hops! Now get outta here!

( Erik and Nadir walk off to the right sulking. Raoul is about to leave but Gaston stops him.)

Gaston: Hold on, Raoul, we need to have a chat.

Raoul: But I wasn't playing with the nail gun.

Gaston: I'm not talking about the nail gun. Raoul, when most people die, they go to Purgatory. Why is it that you went straight to Hell?

Raoul: I don't know…

Madame Giry: Raoul…

Gaston: You have no idea why that might be?

Raoul: …Pornos.

Gaston: That's what I thought. Bring them to your mother and I.

(Raoul walks off stage sulking because he's losing his porn and Gaston turns to Madame Giry.)

Gaston: Well dear, we've had a pretty eventful day; we had a nice talk with Nadir and Erik, got ahold of Raoul's pornography stash, and I finally got to wriggle inside that sweet, sweet poop shoot of yours.

Madame Giry: Yes you did.

Gaston: Yeah I did!

Madame Giry: You should go check the toilet, I just shit it out.

Gaston: Oh ho! Frosted turd!

(They both exit out)

FIN