To Beatrice,
I proposed to you, but you said you would rather marry the Baudelaire childrens' father. Oops...
Introduction
Hi kids! I'm Lemony Snicket the barking lunatic, but my actual name is Daniel Handler! I'm here to say: "Don't read this book! This is an absolutely terrible book and I know since I wrote it! You should throw it into a pond! You should crush it in the mud! You should scream at it with your shirt off! You should dunk it in sassafras! You should give it a cheese wedgy! You should toss it into a pyramid! You should drop it down a volcano! You should sit on it to warm it! These are my tactics to encourage you to read this book and it seems to be working if you are reading this page!"
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were standing at the shore of a foggy lake. Violet, a 14 year old girl, was an extremely talented inventor, but she couldn't actually make her inventions, just think of them. Why, just recently she had thought of a vague idea for a device that could, "Uhhh... umm pour ice cubes on the sun and melt it haha." Klaus, a 12 year old boy, liked to dress up like a cowboy and he couldn't read for his life. He hated indians("Cowboys are better"). Sunny, just 1 year old, enjoyed upchucking on different things. She'd upchuck on just about anything, and most of the time she didn't even mean to!
Well anyway, a coughing man, Mr. Poe, who they recognized as one of their parents' friends who worked for a bank and managed all of their parents' complicated money ordeals dashed out of the fog screaming, "I'm afraid that your parents have perished in a fire that Count Olaf made because he's on the opposite side of your parents in the conflict and split of an organization called "V.F.D." which actually just means "Volunteer Fire Department" and Count Olaf unrealistically got away because all of us adults in this book are stupid as hell!"
The man paused and took a breath and looked at the children, waiting for a response. Violet giggled and said, "I want to get a new ribbon with our parent's money! And some pink dollies!" Klaus chuckled and shrieked "Horseshit." And Sunny, who had her own little baby language, said, "Fotta frootoo," which probably meant "The verbal abuse of torpedos indicates sedimentary relations in the cocaine industry, and I also think about golden apples at the bottom of the ocean floorboards every other leap year."
Then the man said to Violet, "You can get a new ribbon when you're old enough to use your parents' money, you stupid slut." And the coughing man said to Klaus, "No, this is not horseshit. It is one truth phrase." And the coughing man said to Sunny, "Shut the hell up you little bitch whore." And Sunny said, "Yut lat," Which probably meant, "A thousand hearts are not as great as one salted banana pepper dipped in 13 pond scums." The man coughed again to sound cool and said, "I have arranged for you to stay with me temporarily and then with one of your relatives later." And so the Orphans climbed into the man's dreary black sedan, thus beginning A Series of Unfortunate Events, a phrase which here means, "And so the Orphans climbed into the man's dreary black sedan, thus beginning A Series of Unfortunate Events." These are the chronicles of King Salavak and long may he live!
Review this please :) I would like to see what you think of it.