The Battle Within

by Ramica

An inside look at Leo's mind when he goes insane. The missing chapter from The Perfect Son

1. Default Chapter

                            The Battle Within

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership to any adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Rating- PG-13 for mild swearing and some violent images.

Author's Note: This story is actually a missing chapter from another story I did called The Perfect Son. The reason it is the missing chapter is because I was writing the rough draft of the story when I first put it on the net and I decided to put up a chapter a day for the fans. During the rough draft writing I was already beyond the point of this chapter but I told the fans IF they wanted a short story on what happened inside of Leo when he went insane to let me know and I would try to write it later as to write it then would take away from where I was in the Perfect Son. This then is the result. I have tried to make this chapter stand on it's own by giving those of you who haven't read the Perfect Son    enough background in the Battle Within so you won't be lost as to what is going on and have also decided to include a summary so if you really want to know about the rest of the story or I missed something to include in here, then the summary ought to cover it.

 The Perfect Son was rated R due to swearing and violence if you are not old enough to enter the R section PLEASE do not go there to read my story or I'll send Raphael out to kick your butts. It was also based off Eastman & Laird's Mirage turtle comics. The summary is here for you to give you an idea of what went on.

 SUMMARY of The Perfect Son:

  Leo and his brothers have split up to search for Raph who has been missing. Leo notices Foot soldiers closing in and decides to try and find a safe place to fight them from.

 Raph who has returned home realizes that Leo has been gone far too long and goes out to search for his brother. He finds signs of a battle broken weapons, blood and no sign of Leo. He finds Leo's broken katana and his mask in a garbage dumpster both are covered in blood. Raph returns home. Splinter dies of a heart attack shortly after Raph returns home.

  A veterinarian named Christine Adare has found Leo and she has taken Leo in and has done all she can to fix him up but realizes that he will most likely die of his injuries. Leo surprises her by actually living though he comes to with amnesia he knows or is aware of certain things such as the name Raph is familiar to him. He knows he has a family but that is about all he can recall of his past life. Since Raph is the only name he recalls Christine decides to call him by that at least until he knows who he is.

  Meanwhile the other turtle boys are drifting apart from one another they feel that they have lost both Splinter and Leo in the same day and all of them are hurting too much to connect to the others. Raph surprisingly is the one to bring the family together. He insist that they go back to their practices because if they keep up like this the Foot may get them too and he doesn't want to lose any more of his family. Part of Raph's sudden change is brought on by quilt he feels that he was to blame for both Splinter and Leo's loss and now he tries to make up for it by doing what he feels they would want him to do.

  One night about a month or so later, some members of a street gang attack Christine and Raph and Mike are nearby and come to help her out. She catches sight of Mike and remarks, " you're like him." Raph realizes she has to be talking about Leo and threatens her in hopes of gaining information. Mike is forced to tell his impulsive brother to lay off and then to convince Christine to tell them what she knows about their missing brother. Christine then takes them to see Leo.

 Mike and Raph tell Leo different things to hopefully get him to remember who they are or who he is but nothing works. In desperation Raph leaves to return with a spare set of katana in hopes Leo will at least remember his weapons. Leo won't even touch the swords refusing to handle them and tells his brothers " I don't know you. I've never known you. Maybe I'm not who you think I am."

 The other three boys keep trying to convince Leo who he is Raph even gives Leo a responsibility lecture for a change and a week later and Leo still isn't sure of who they are to him. In fact Leo wants NOTHING to do with his brothers and Raph has his own doubts about weather Leo even WANTS to remember them.

  Christine actually talks Leo into going to the lair one night and then to watch the other three practice but Leo doesn't show any recognition of his home or what the others are doing.

 This prompts Christine to call for a private meeting with no Leo so they can discuss Leo's problem. Christine believes that the fight, which came so close to killing Leo, now might be somehow causing Leo's mind to keep his memories locked up. The boy's tell her Leo was in a fight very similar to this last one on a Christmas Eve almost three years before. Leo had been overcome by Foot soldiers and almost killed. Now it has happened for a second time in his life. By the end of the meeting they are no closer to finding a solution to helping Leo remember but all of them plan on finding out what they can to help him.

  Some time later Mike goes to visit Leo and comes to Christine's apartment to find Foot Soldiers there and the Foot are taking Christine and Leo captive. Mike manages to follow them to their hideout. Previously the turtles had not been able to find out where the Foot were operating from. Mike returns home and the three boys start to make plans. Or more correctly Don makes plans, Raph frets and stews and Mike tries to keep Raph from taking off or destroying too much of the lair.

 Christine realizes that their only chance to escape is to get Leo to remember who he is. She can no longer allow him to be a pacifist. So she gives him a rough interrogation during it she learns Leo is scared of something. She decides to give him a rest before continuing except the Foot come in and remove Leo.

  They take Leo to their leader who is named Quan. Quan orders eight of his best to fight Leo and whenever one Foot soldier fall another will take his place. Only Leo doesn't fight. Leo doesn't know how to fight. His lack of fighting only angers the Foot and Quan who orders the Foot to use weapons and he gives Leo a bo staff to use. Now the ninja Leo would know how to use it but pacifist Leo doesn't. Leo ends up cowering and refusing to fight all together.

 Quan is not amused at Leo's failure to fight. He tells Leo he is a failure and he returns to how Leo has failed often. Leo is returned to the prison cell battered bleeding and a part of him is reacting to Quan's words about him being a failure. He knows what Quan said is true. He is a failure. He relives the two battles, which almost killed him, and they only confirm to him what sort of a failure he is. He wasn't the Perfect son after all. He had failed often in his life. Unable to face the fact that he is a failure and failure being unacceptable to Leo he goes insane!

 Luckily it is only temporary insanity. Leo actually manages to fight his way back from wherever he went to in his mind and when he comes back he returns as Leonardo the ninja turtle! (The story here is what went on in his mind while he was insane and how he managed to come back)

  Christine and Leo manage to escape they run into Raph, Don and Mike who have come to free their friends. A whole lot of fighting goes on (this is where a lot of the violence comes in.)  And they run into Quan.

 Leo challenges Quan to shinken shobu- literally a real sword contest. A fight to the death. During such a challenge the Foot and the other turtles cannot battle each other or interfere with the ones in the challenge. Leo manages to disarm Quan but refuses to kill him, as he sees no honor in killing an unarmed foe. Quan is not grateful to Leo for sparing his life tries to kill Leo by throwing a dagger at him. Raph warns Leo of the danger throws his sais and his sais kill Quan.

  They all escape and return to the lair.

 Christine warns Raph that Leo's problems may be far from over and goes into a little detail concerning the problem at hand.

  Leo later asks Raph to be his second in command because he can't do it alone. He realizes that he can't be prefect anymore and that he has to come to grips with his fear of failing and he also needs to find out who he REALLY is because for many years he has lived up to what his family had expected from him and he knows he can't live like that anymore.

 That is where it ends.

                                     The Battle Within- The Missing Chapter.

Part One: The Path to Insanity. ( A/N Déjà vu for those of you who have read the Perfect Son though I've tried to make it a little different)

  I had been home for almost two weeks now and for most of that time I had been trying to come to grips with the knowledge that Splinter was dead and doing my best to get some semblance of order back in my life, which had been turned upside down in more ways than one.

   I knew Don and Mike were expecting me to take on the role of leader of our small clan. With Splinter's death it was inevitable for me to take his place. It was what I had been trained for but I had always hoped that I would never see this day come.

 It wasn't that I shirked responsibility or ever wanted to even. It was more that I knew it would mean MORE responsibility to assume when I already carried a burden of it and have done so for most of my life.

 I finished the kata I was doing with my katana. Then listened to the silence of the lair around me I had woken up from nightmares again and had decided to do some practice in the dojo for a while as I knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep any time soon anyway.

 I glanced down at my katana they didn't quite match though only an experienced eye would note that one of my swords was of a better quality than the other. Problem was I knew that one was better and I had no spare to equal the higher quality one. That one I had won at quite a price actually.

  Raph loved to tease me that this sword was my girlfriend.

 I smiled ruefully at that thought as I slipped both of them back into their sheaths.

 Come on Leo stop procrastinating you have to look at it I told myself.

 At that very thought I felt something cold enter the pit of my stomach and travel up my spine giving me chills.

 I knew I had to do this but I was afraid of doing it. I who have never feared many things in my life feared looking deep inside of myself at what had basically had caused me to reject my family and my training and later cost me my very sanity. The fact that I had only lost my sanity for a short time did not ease my fears in the least.

 Yet I was honor bound, duty bound to look at it. I had promised I would look at it when I got the chance of course when I made that promise I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

 That ought to teach you NEVER promise anything until you know exactly what you are getting into Leo.

 Great advice! Pity that the inner voice hadn't spoken up before with that warning. I shook my head knowing so many things, wishing to know more than I did about some things and hoping against hope to just forget and ignore what I knew I couldn't.

 I had put off doing it while I grieved for Splinter. I was still mourning him and I knew if I wanted to I could find many reasons to keep putting off this distasteful chore before me. I also knew the longer I waited the harder it would get for me to deal with this.

  I unsheathed my favorite katana gazing at it. This weapon in many ways had brought me to this point in my life.

 I closed my eyes and could feel the Foot soldiers closing in around me. My own katanas red with the blood of fallen Foot and the grip of my weapons red from my blood were held at the ready to defend me. My katanas broke under the strain and pressure of battle this katana had destroyed my old ones. With my weapons damaged beyond use the Foot closed in on me and this katana had caused a bad slice to my head cutting through my mask. I'm surprised the Foot soldier hadn't killed me with that blow but he was an expert swordsman he knew what he was doing he wanted me to suffer and the blow to the head was more to render me defenseless than to kill me out right. His plan worked well, too well.

   Later I got the chance to challenge the owner of this katana to a fight to the death and Quan chose to use this weapon against me for the second time but I had won the match by disarming him and I had refused to kill him I saw no honor in killing an unarmed foe. I gave him his life but I knew he would live in disgrace amongst the Foot for his loss to me. Quan though he owed me my life chose to take it instead proving he had very little honor.

 I don't know why I hadn't sensed the dagger he had thrown at me. I should have felt it but I didn't. It was a good thing that Raph had typically disobeyed my orders for it was his warning that made me aware I dived down just in time to see the dagger go past and Raph's sais coming up in an arc. None of the weapons hit me but Raph's sais killed

Quan.

 Don in our escape had managed somehow to grab Quan's katana for me. My favored weapon was a grim reminder of these past three months or so.

 It's time Leo you have to do this the inner voice whispered to me.

 I don't want to do this. I'll do anything else just don't make me look at this…I pleaded silently with that other part of myself.

 Is that how Splinter raised you? As a coward! Come now you have handled much worse.

 Maybe I have but no battle has ever taken as much out of me as what I handled then. Hell facing the Foot and fighting Quan was nothing to what I faced just before that.

 That's why you have to look at this now Leo. You have to accept it just as you have accepted the possibility of your own death in any given battle.

 I could feel my body tremble as I let out a long slow breath. I knew I couldn't keep avoiding it not for much longer at any rate. Things were expected of me and until I looked at what happened to me I would never be able to face those expectations. I had to find my path in life and to know where I was going to I had to know first where I had been. To fully understand it I would have to relive it, which meant either my nightmares were going get a lot worse after today or they would start to ease off.

 I still didn't WANT to do this. I only knew it had to be done and I had wasted enough time.

 I sat down crossed legged on the mats and took a couple of slow deep breaths knowing this time I wouldn't find any peace during my meditation. No instead I was going to face what my nightmares were made of and from…

 I breathed deep doing my best to relax and focused my mind inward concentrating on what I needed to see and I felt it was best to ease myself into it…

  I was in a circle surrounded by eight Foot soldiers they were circling me prepared to attack other Foot soldiers waited in anticipation in the warehouse I was in. I could taste the bitter coppery taste of blood in my mouth and I was wondering how the hell I had gotten into this mess in the first place.

 I mean this was really all a BIG misunderstanding they had the wrong person I wasn't who they thought I was but they didn't seem to want to listen to me.

 A punch came my way and I flinched ducking a bit as I jumped backward only to be tripped up and land on the concrete floor of the warehouse. I tried to regain my feet but they are swept out from under me and I'm being punched and kicked from all sides.

 I'm at a bit of a loss here I don't know what to do to avoid being hit. I don't know the first thing about fighting and most of their moves are made far too fast for me to even register the strike by the time I am aware of it I'm hit.

 I can sense they are angry with me though I don't understand why. I haven't done anything to them at least not that I'm aware of at any rate.

 Then I hear an imperious voice coming from above and to my left I look up and see a platform where an Asian fellow wearing a black dogi minus the hood over the face glares down at me. Quan!

 ' Use weapons forget hand-to-hand. Make him fight" he tosses a long stick my way " your weapon Freak."

 A stick is a weapon? Not much of one especially when it is up against swords and axes and I don't know what else. Bad enough he expects me to fight eight of his people now he hands me a weapon that they can turn into firewood.

  I know Don uses one of these but I am not sure how I've only seen him use it once and I wasn't really paying attention at that point. I had no interest in fighting or even learning to fight.

 Suddenly they come at me but I had no way of being able to stop them all at once what hits I do stop I put down to sheer fluke. I scream as their weapons bite into my skin and I feel the blood flow from the bites and before I could think they have struck me again.

 In less than a minute I drop my so-called weapon and try to back away when that fails I do the only thing I can to protect myself. I huddle into a ball and try to keep as much of my skin tucked into or under my shell. Why don't they just kill me? They could. I know they could. I can only sit in my trembling huddled ball waiting for them to either stop or get it over with once and for all. At the moment I don't care which one of those they choose anything would be better than being attacked by them.

 They finally stop on Quan's command and he comes down placing a dagger against my throat it's cold metal pressed up against my skin but I feel no fear.

 " You dishonor the Foot by not fighting."

 " I don't know how to fight I wish everyone would stop telling me that I did."

 " LIAR! You have no honor. You are a failure unfit to be a ninja."

  Quan was right about one thing I was a failure and I knew it. I don't know how he ever learned my deepest most guarded secret but know it he did and he threw it into my face enough to insure that I wouldn't forget that he knew either.

 I laid at his feet wishing he would just kill me and get it over with. He seemed to enjoy making me suffer. If he kept it up I might just end up begging and pleading for him to finish me. He would probably enjoy that!…

 Like I would I DON'T cower to the enemy.

 But you DID Leo and if you can't accept that how will you ever accept what lies before you on this path?

 I don't want to do this. I've had enough.

 Afraid of a memory Leo? It can't hurt you, you know?

  Wait a second the Foot why didn't they do more damage to me. They could have easily killed me if they wanted to. So why didn't they break my bones or kill me when they had a chance?

 Think about it Leo you know the answer to that one.

 I knew it all right Quan had wanted me to suffer. It was Quan who had allowed the Foot to beat me in our battle which had caused me to lose my memory in the first place and I had been left to die a slow suffering death in a garbage dumpster but I hadn't died I was still alive. I had spoiled his plan so now Quan was following the three t's tease, torment and torture me to a slow death to make up for the fact I hadn't already died.

 Quan must have ordered the Foot to go slow at first but if that was so why was he willing to pit his foot against me for if I had fought them I would have done a great deal of damage to them but I never would have escaped on my own not with that many Foot around. Just because Quan had said those soldiers were his best didn't mean they were. No he had been planning to make me suffer very slowly.

 It was a darn good thing Raph HAD killed him after all. Quan in many ways seemed far worse than Shredder at least Shredder never wanted to torture us slowly kill us yes. Do it slowly and painfully no. Even on the Christmas Eve battle Shredder hadn't been out to kill me.

 Right you are Leo. Haven't forgotten everything. Now are you ready for the rest?

 I'll never really be ready this is just something I have to do…

 I breathed deep again trying to ease back into meditation knowing that I had to accept the fact that I had or a part of me had at least cowered before Quan and the Foot- lacking all honor a total disgrace.

 If you think like that you will never accept it Leo.

 I can't help that. He's…that part of me is Pathetic!

 You're pathetic admit it Leo.

 Admit it. Believe it I had to it was what I had become when I turned pacifist and forgot all of Splinter's training. So Quan had essentially been right I was without honor at that time. I was unfit to be a ninja.

 Even an enemy can speak truth.

 Very good Leo now we can continue.

 I felt myself enter a deeper state of meditation as the memories wrapped around me yet again…

 Quan towered over me " Always meant to fail that is all your existence is worth."

  I knew the truth in his words. I heard them and I felt them resonate inside of me. I had failed through out my whole life so I could not see how I could ever be perfect. I was supposed to be perfect which meant I wasn't supposed to fail but I failed anyway. My enemy knew it and hated me for it. My family? What was it about my family…I knew there was something about my family, failure and being perfect that all connected somehow but I just wasn't sure how. It was like trying to piece a large jigsaw puzzle together while you are blindfolded. It was hard to see how it connected or fit.

 I latched on to his words knowing it was important, necessary for me to do so yet not knowing why. I had no idea what family, failure and being perfect had to do with me yet knowing I couldn't let it go until I worked it out. I was determined to work it out even though I felt trapped by what it all meant.

 A failure. Failed again always feeling like I had failed something.

 In all my time with amnesia I had never had anything that I knew I could connect to my past. My brothers if they were indeed that, for I had no memory of them to prove to me that all they had told me was truth or other wise had never been able to strike a chord so true as what Quan had with his words.

  I was determined to follow it through to find the path back so I could finally lay to rest all my concerns about who I really was. I had a lot of doubts about the fact that I was suppose to be a ninja.

 My doubts hadn't been eased any with the Foot soldiers recent attack on me. In fact if any thing that battle had only proved that I didn't know the first thing about fighting.

 " Failed. I've failed…not suppose to fail. Not allowed to fail. Failed and failed often." I screamed those thoughts in my mind and I thought I heard a voice respond to those screams but the voice came from far away in the distance It told me there was nothing wrong in failing and you couldn't really fail as long as you tried. That I hadn't failed at all I had only been overcome by large numbers. Like that was an excuse for my failing!

 The voice though distant was soft, soothing and offered comfort, which I couldn't accept because I knew that person was WRONG that person didn't know what a failure I was. If she had known she probably would never of saved my pathetic life in the first place. I recognized the voice all right though at the moment I could not think of the name that went with the voice.

  I tried to tell her how wrong she was. I told her how I had been trapped by the Foot that Christmas Eve. I relived that horrible night which I had kept locked up deep inside of myself, I lived it all again in a matter of minutes, hours? I'm not sure how long. All I knew was it was there as real as the first time I had lived it.

  My enemies leading me further a stray into a trap and I let myself be lead into that trap. I had allowed my confidence in my skills at fighting blind me to what they were doing. Once the trap had been sprung he came into view.

 Oh gods! We failed Splinter, the Shredder he is still alive. How could that be? We killed him. I know we did.

 They let me live to tell the others, a sign to my family that I was a failure to them.

 A year later we were still living in Northampton and I was afraid to come back. I kept putting it off waiting for a time when I felt more prepared. Knowing that I would never really want to come back to the place of my defeat.

 Raph had enough he knew enough of the matter and tried to convince Don and Mike that I was unfit to lead them. They wouldn't listen to Raph they were too use to the way he would rant and rave over so many things that this one time made no difference.

 He called me a coward to my face…you were always one of the best which, makes our lives here even more of a crime… it had been Raph who forced our return home. He lead and I followed after with the others and by doing so I have never been sure that I would have returned on my own if given the time or freedom to choose.

 No choice in my life. It was all placed on me and bitter hatred rose in me at that thought.

" You know what this means Raphael."

" Life or death" he replies.

 " We will not fail" I respond though inside I have my doubts about that. I fear we will all fail and our honor will not be avenged.

 Raph stares hard at me " YOU brother must NOT fail. Get him."

 Does he know how much I need to defeat him? Does he realize the fears and doubts that I have? Does he know it may be all that gives me my confidence in myself back to me? I think he knows all of that and much more besides. Raph has always been very perceptive about such things. He relies a great deal more on instinct then the rest of us do.

 I set things right I kill Shredder with my katana and saw to it he would never return again but I could not deny the fact that I had failed my family and my training.

 I failed them then and I failed them again almost two years after avenging our Master.

 I hadn't learned a single thing from that first fight. I swore to myself that I wouldn't be overcome by the enemy. That I wouldn't be trapped by them again. That I wouldn't fail as I had the first time, but I did fail them just as I had before.

 The Foot still herded me where they wanted me and one Foot soldier who bore a katana was relentless in pursuit and attack. I had to focus a lot of my attention on him. Making it far easier for the other Foot around me to strike and do more damage to me.

 I failed my family again. I had learned nothing. To fail once is bad enough. To learn nothing from your mistakes so that you fail a second time is unforgivable. I had dishonored my family.

 " Who says your not allowed to fail Leo?"

   " It's expected. I'm responsible. I'm the leader. I can't make mistakes. I have to look out for the others. If I make a mistake I'm responsible for the outcome. I can't fail the consequences for failing are too much. That's why I'm the perfect son. It's expected of me."

 " No one is perfect you know that don't you?"

 " They need me to be" I replied knowing it was true.

 " No Leo you haven't failed. No one is perfect."

 She didn't understand. How could she?

 My family couldn't be wrong. My family needed me to be responsible and to be that I had to be perfect. I couldn't make mistakes at all. To make a mistake meant I had failed the responsibility placed on me. It was a thing of honor to accept responsibility a sign of growth, respect and maturity.

 My family couldn't be wrong about that. Could they?

 I laughed suddenly unsure and while I laughed a doubt came creeping in What if they were WRONG Leo?

 Then the way I had been raised was also wrong, which meant all I knew of my life was no more than a lie and if it were all a lie where would I find truth?

 That one stray thought suddenly raised many doubts and uncertainties inside of me. All of my life trying to live up to a lie.

 It was too much to bear, too much to accept all at once. It was an overload of information causing a war to start deep inside of me. A war between the way I had been raised against my own doubts and fears of failing to be responsible and perfect.

 My laughter turned to a tormented scream as I was pulled into the midst of the battle itself.

 Part Two-  Into the Pit. A/N If this seems a little confusing please remember you are dealing with an insane turtle.

 I fell down a long way and landed hard at the bottom. I was stunned and a little shaken unsure of where I was or how I had even ended up in this place. I also wondered how I would get out before I even got a chance to find some answers to my questions I looked up and saw an old rat I knew this had to be Splinter though I had never met the ancient Master of ninjitsu " Sensei help me have I been living a lie?" I asked wondering where the word sensei had come from.

 Splinter's only response was to withdraw a long metal chain and start to wrap me up in it.

 " Master please I must know. Answer me"

 " You must be the responsible one Leonardo." He replied calmly while continuing to wrap the chain around and about me.

 The chains grew heavier by the second and I tried to break free of their weight but the chains seemed magnetized to my body refusing to loosen once they were draped on.

 " Master stop I can't…"

 " Do you deny the honor of the responsibility I place on you my son?"

 " No I accept it."

 Splinter only nodded as if he expected me to say as much " Then why do you complain?"

 " I…it just seems like an awful lot."

 " It is a great honor Leonardo. One I'm sure that you will prove worthy of."

   " What if I fail though?"

  " It is alright to fail on the path to perfection Leonardo."

   " How can I be responsible and still fail? I don't understand Sensei" I pleaded with him and now bound so I could not move, feeling squashed by the weight of the chains he turned and left.

 " You know what is expected of you my son."

 As he disappeared so did the chains around me.

 " Hey Leo come on and play with us."

  I turned and saw a much younger version of my playful brother only about five years old. " I can't Mikey I gotta get this kata right."

 " Aw you can do that later Leo. Lets play tag huh?" a young Raph cut in.

  " I can't maybe later. I want to get this right I want Splinter to be proud of me."

  " Whatever Leo. Come on Raph."

  " Forget it Mikey, tags no fun with just two and Donny is busy and Leo is no fun ever since we been trainin'." Raph complained bitterly…

… " Hungry 'Plinter" a young Mike whimpered.

 " I know my sons I'll go see what I can find for us."

 " Can we come?"

  " No Raphael it is too dangerous. Stay here and wait for me."

  " Who look after us?" Don asked shyly.

  " Leonardo will look after you until I return. Play a game of hide and seek. I will not be gone long my sons."

  " Leo's it. Leo's it." Mike and Raph chanted.

 " All right I be it. You hide good." I counted to ten twice very slowly.  I didn't know what came after ten. Splinter hadn't taught us that yet.

 I found Donny but no matter where we searched we couldn't find Mike and Raph. When Splinter returned I admitted to him through my tears about what had happened. I had failed him. Splinter left returning shortly with a much subdued Mike and Raph who had left the lair to hide in the sewers. They knew we were not supposed to leave our home. Splinter punished Mike and Raph for it later but he didn't punish me. I had failed him. I was suppose to look out for my brothers and keep them home safe and I had failed…

 …  " I'm sick of you Leo. Splinter's favorite son."

  " Splinter doesn't play favorites Raph."

  " You really like to kiss butt don't ya Leo? You're not so perfect you know. Why can't you keep your big trap shut for a change?"

 " Like it or not Raph we have rules for a reason and sensei worries about all of us. Stop thinking of yourself and grow up." I yelled at my twelve year old brother.

 " Aw if it isn't little Splinter in the flesh. So right, so serious. Mr. Responsible himself. If you get any more perfect Leo you'll be impossible to live with."…

 " Splinter Master please tell me? Am I perfect…help me get this right…give me your wisdom so I can look out for my brothers…I'm worried about Raph why can't he be more responsible?…You're going to get us all killed one day!"

  I screamed and spun around to see a larger than life Splinter towering over me on one side and my brothers on the other side of me.

 " It is expected Leonardo"

 " Come on Leo give it a rest were tired of practicing."

 " Just because YOU have to be perfect doesn't mean we have to be."

  It is customary to respect your elders, your teacher. Splinter did what he thought was best didn't he? He knew that we would need protection to keep us safe. He instilled in all of us the need to stay hidden, secret and to live by the code of the martial arts truth, honor, to protect those who need it. It is a WORTHY cause isn't it? It gives us meaning doesn't it?

 " Yeah right! Kinda contradictory to protect the very same people who would kill us if they ever knew we existed. We have to hide all our lives and never be accepted."

 " It's for our safety Raph."

  " Worthy cause Leo? You don't believe that bull do you? Splinter trained us for two reasons only to avenge his Master and so we could defend ourselves from people who might want to turn us into science experiments. That is WHAT we were trained for so tell me what is so worthy about THAT?"

 " No"

 " Face it Splinter trained us because we were FREAKS!"

 " No there has to be more. I know there is more to it then that."

 " Then what is it Leo? Face it we've all been living a lie and you bought it and made it the truth."

 " No I wouldn't I couldn't be that blind."

  " Blind and dumb that's our Leo. So busy followin' in Splinter's footsteps you can't even see the truth in front of your face."

 " No. No Raph it's not true. It can't be true. Master Sensei Please? I need your guidance help me…"

 I turned desperate to find him hoping that when I did he wouldn't give me any more doubts. I had enough of them all ready. Where was he? Why wasn't he here? Didn't he know I needed him to ease the turmoil?

 " Sensei?"

 " Leonardo."

 I turned and saw him sitting on a chair. I went and bowed low before him kneeling humbly at his feet as I had I knew many times before. " Master…"

 " I am glad that at least one of my sons has taken the lessons I teach to heart. You wish to follow the path of the true ninja."

 " Sensei I need your help. Are we training only for the sake of revenge? Is everything you have taught us a lie?"

 " Wisdom can not be found in a day Leonardo it can only be found with time."

 " Please Master no riddles. Tell me the truth I need to know…" I begged him.

 " I'm glad of your choice Leonardo for it means…" and Splinter turned into something horrible before my eyes. His skin was rotting, his fangs grew large and vicious, and his eyes hardened and his claws lengthened "No more than a slave, a puppet. Following my path so willingly you'll forget your own self."

 I backed away and felt him close in his long claws raking me. My skin burned where he touched as if his touch was acid. " You're brothers kept their independence but you Leonardo are MINE. Fight me if you will. Show me how well I have taught you. I have raised you alone to bear the weight of the chain I forged for you my special son."

 " No Splinter. Please No!"

 " The responsible leader who punishes himself for his failures far more than I ever could" the Splinter creature hissed.

 Frantically I struggled to break free from the Splinter creature before me. It wasn't my Master. It was something horrible and in desperation I lashed out at the creature hitting it with the chain. Splinter fell to the ground in pieces and a mass of maggots crawled out and around my feet.

 " Splinter?" I whispered.

 " You failed again Leonardo. Can't have that now can we?"

 " You're supposed to be perfect and you're not are you?"

 " I let my brother get hurt. Mike I'm sorry I didn't mean for this to happen…"

 " But it did happen Leo and you are to blame. You are the reason I am hurt. You weren't perfect you failed me."

" You failed Raph as well Leo. You were never able to make him responsible. You never convinced him to put family before himself. You didn't get through to him and you should have."

 " Raph wouldn't listen what was I suppose to do Don? I tried my best."

 " You're best wasn't good enough. You should have been perfect Leo."

" Some leader. You can't even convince me to follow you into a lie. Not so perfect after all huh Leo?"

 " I didn't want to be perfect."

 " Sure you did Leo."

 " No please no…I didn't want to fail."

 " Which means you wanted to be perfect." Don countered quickly. " If you don't fail, don't make mistakes you're perfect and that is what you want to be Leo."

 My brothers faded before my eyes and from the shadows all around me emerged ghastly terrifying shapes they all looked like turtles and yet nothing like turtles. One was gaunt as a skeleton, one had no eyes just empty sockets, one was malformed it's arms, legs and shell twisted, one with a vacant haggard look and many others each different. All of them spoke together making it difficult to understand what was being said and yet there were some things I heard very clearly.

 " Can't fail gotta get it right."

 " Teach me guide me Sensei."

 " It's all a lie."

  " Don't trust people. Who knows when they may hurt you? The only ones you can trust is your family."

 " Raph why can't you be more responsible. You're going get us all killed one of these days. Just grow up will you."

 " It's my fault. I failed again. I always end up failing and sometimes Raph can make me feel like I can never do anything but fail."

  " You're a coward Leo."

 " You are pathetic not fit to be a ninja."

 As they closed in I saw in some strange way they were me. I couldn't understand that. How could I be me and these THINGS also be me? I was here and yet I also knew I was also a part of them too.

 I couldn't escape or break away. They laid their freezing cold hands on me taking hold of my arms and legs and they began to pull on me like I was a tug of war rope. I literally felt like they were going to rip me to pieces.

  " Stop it you are going to kill me" I yelled feeling my arms and legs protest the violent pulling.

 Still they pulled on me talking on in their oddly similar sounding voices.

 " The more who know about us the more danger we are in."?

 " Nothing but freaks. Nothing for us in life."

 I tried to break free of them the pain was terrible but they held me tight and I glanced down to where I could see my skin slowly parting ripping away as if it had been stretched much to far and only then did they release their shadowy grip dropping me down a hole that had opened up under me.

 TBC