Good 'Ol Boys--Kel
Clark was flipping through the channels, waiting for noon. He'd been waiting patiently all week for this, and endured teasing from Lex, Chloe, Pete, Lana, even his parents. But he didn't care. He'd been a good boy, and he damned well deserved a reward.
Then he got it, and he was sitting on the edge of his seat.
"Just good 'ol boys… never meaning no harm… beats all you ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born…"
Clark settled back happily into his seat. The Dukes of Hazzard was his one truly guilty pleasure, and he watched it religiously on TNN. It just so happened that this weekend, they were running a Hazzard County Marathon. Twelve hours--twelve full episodes--of The Dukes of Hazzard with another twelve on Sunday.
There was a knock on the screen door, and Clark craned his head to see who it was. "Lex!!"
"I know I'm a little late, but can I come in after the show has started?" He held out the big yellow bag of popcorn. "I come bearing bribes."
"Sure, come on in," Clark called, and Jonathan flashed Martha a disapproving look as she opened the door to let Lex in. "I didn't think you were going to watch this with me."
"Well, I wasn't going to, but then I realized that if you knew so much about this show I knew nothing about, there was a sad gap in my cultural education."
"In other words, you got curious."
"If you want--"
"Sssh, it's starting!" Clark interrupted. He sat the big bag of popcorn on the sofa between them and popped a handful in his mouth as the episode started. Clark watched in rapt silence, his attention plastered to the television as Martha traded an eye roll with her husband. Lex was observing Clark and his obsession, and he shook his head as he nibbled on the buttery popcorn that Clark was devouring in handfuls.
Clark lifted the 2-liter Pepsi and chugged a few swallows before passing it to Lex. Lex turned to look at Martha beseechingly and held up the bottle. She nodded and brought back two glasses with ice, which Lex gratefully shook her hand for, and then filled them both with Pepsi. He passed Clark one glass and kept the other for himself, laughing and spluttering when Clark reacted to having the glass instead of the bottle.
Finally, the first commercial break came, and Lex spoke first. "Well, I can see now why there is a gap in my cultural education. Clark, how can you watch this? You know what's going to happen and how it's going to end by the first…" he consulted the clock "… ten minutes!"
"Hey, I get into the whole male bonding thing." Then he looked at his dad. "Hey, Dad… did you know that you look like this Bo Duke guy?"
Jonathan sighed. "Clark, you're obsessing."
"No, I'm not! Lex! Mom! Somebody back me up here!"
Lex buried his snort in a handful of popcorn, wisely choosing to stay out of this Kent family discussion. When nothing was forthcoming from him, Clark kicked him. "Ouch!" Lex hissed, and kicked Clark back. "Well, Mr. Kent…" The stony stare he got from Jonathan shut him up immediately, and he turned apologetic eyes on Clark.
"Mom! Tell him!"
"Jonathan, sweetie… you do kinda look like this guy. Come in here and see."
"Martha… I can't believe he's got you sucked into this thing too."
Martha cleared her throat. "Do I need to remind you who drove an orange 1969 Dodge Charger to Metropolis University when he was taking his finance course?"
Clark's eyes widened. "You drove the General Lee, Dad?"
Lex rolled his eyes. The whole bloody family was off their rockers. "I can't believe you know the car, Clark."
"It was a 1969 Dodge Charger with a 426 Hemi V-8 and three inch exhaust. I could tell you more details--"
"You've already told me more than I need to know," Lex said dryly.
"Gee, Jonathan, I seem to recognize those stats from someone else's car," Martha said, rubbing it in.
"All right, all right! Yes, I used to watch the show. Yes, Clark, I drove a car similar to the General Lee."
"Were the doors welded shut?"
"No, and the horn didn't play Dixie either, son."
Martha leaned over the back of the couch. "That's only because he couldn't find one."
"Martha!"
"Sorry, Jonathan."
Lex was fighting the snickers. Clark was awestruck. "What happened to it, Dad?"
"Nothing happened to it."
"You mean you've still got it??" Clark was ready to topple the couch in his excitement. "Where is it!"
Jonathan sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes. "You might as well know, since your mother's almost blown it anyway. It's in the old milking barn. I've been fixing it up and was going to give it to you on your eighteenth birthday. It's got everything but the horn."
"No way!" Clark was already on his feet. "You gotta let me see it!"
"Sit and watch the show, Clark. We'll show it to you tomorrow."
Lex looked over at Martha. "I have friends in different businesses, if I can get the horn…"
"Oh, Lex, that would be great, thank you."
"My pleasure."
"Dad, you gonna watch with us?" By this time, Lex had been forced to move the popcorn bag to the floor and scoot over next to Clark as Martha had taken the seat on the end of the couch.
"No, some of us have work to do."
"Jonathan, be careful!" Martha called out as he headed out the door.
Clark settled back in… and ran his hand along Lex's thigh. The older man snapped his head around to look at Clark, who was smiling innocently. "Mom, is that really true, did Dad drive the General Lee?"
"Yes, Clark, he did. I remember the first time he took me to dinner in the car, I was almost ready to slide in through the windows." Martha reached for the popcorn bag, and Lex settled it between them as he scooted even closer to Clark.
"Did he ask you to dress up like Daisy Duke?"
"Clark Kent! What a thing to ask your mother!" Then she winked. "No, he didn't."
Clark just grinned. Lex was definitely unsure of the situation. On one hand, Clark was touching him. On the other hand, Clark's mother was sitting next to him separated by a bag of popcorn. Lex settled for resting against Clark casually, and was mildly shocked when Clark shifted to bring them in full body contact, from shoulder to knee.
"I can't believe he's going to give me the car when I turn eighteen next year." Clark's eyes were locked back on the screen, and Lex was busy trying to decide if he was completely freaked out or completely turned on by the fact that Clark was pressed tightly up against him. Before he could decide, Clark shifted his weight away from Lex, and then casually slung his arm along the back of the couch, his fingers teasing the back of Lex's neck.
Martha's eyes were watching the show as well, ducking when Clark moved his arm and then raising her head back once he had stretched. Lex was flipping his eyes from mother to son and back. "Your dad's not totally unreasonable, Clark. He just doesn't like being teased. When he was younger, he really did look like Bo Duke, and a lot of girls tried hitting on him just because of that and the car."
"So it was a coincidence then?"
"Mostly. Then he started playing it up after a while." She giggled at the memory.
All three faces turned to the window as the unmistakable sound of a limousine pulled into the long driveway. "Fuck," Lex whispered softly.
"Lex? What is it?" Martha asked, concerned.
"Most likely my father." Lex sighed. "I didn't tell anyone where I am, but it's not like there's that many places I'd go in Smallville."
Everything else that Lex was saying was drowned out by a very loud "Goddammit!" and then a blur by the window as Jonathan fell from the roof to the flowerbeds below.
"Jonathan!" Martha shouted, and Clark did topple the couch this time as he went to see about his father.
~ * ~ * ~
The blond man shook his head as he picked himself up out of the flower bed. "Darn it, I shoulda known to make Luke climb that durn ladder instead of me!" He rubbed the back of his head. "Luke!" he shouted, seeing his cousin come up the driveway. "C'mon! We gotta go! Uncle Jesse's gonna kick my butt for landing in Daisy's petunia bed!"
"Luke" looked at the blond like he had a hole in his head. "Whatever are you talking about, Jonathan?"
"Jonathan? Since when did you get all high-falutin' on me, Luke? Gotta go, or Uncle Jesse's gonna be on my tail for fallin' off the roof!" He grabbed Luke's arm and dragged him off down towards the milking barn, where the General Lee was stored.
~ * ~ * ~
Martha was pelting after Jonathan as he dragged Lionel down the graveled path to the milking barn. Lex and Clark were scrambling to follow when Clark suddenly slammed his arm across Lex's chest. "Did… my dad just call your dad Luke?"
Lex, for his part, stared owl-eyed after the disappearing figures of Jonathan Kent and Lionel Luthor. "Yes, yes, he did. And I believe he mentioned… Uncle Jesse."
Clark bodily turned Lex around, and pointed through the window to the television where Denver Pyle was pontificating to Bo and Luke. "That is Uncle Jesse."
"Um, Clark?"
"Hmm?"
"I think your dad thinks he's Bo Duke."
~ * ~ * ~
"Unhand me this moment, do you hear?" Lionel was irate. How dare Jonathan drag him off like this? Even if it was Jonathan. "Jonathan!"
"Now durn it, Luke, what is up with you calling me Jonathan?" Bo gave Luke's arm a little shake. "I'm Beauregard Duke, same as I was the day I was born!"
"Beauregard Duke, what is this nonsense? You're Jonathan Kent, man!" Lionel tried to jerk his arm out of Jonathan's grasp, but couldn't free himself.
"Luke, are you all right? Here, help me drag this cover off." Bo started pulling the car cover off the General Lee. "The horn don't work right but I'm gonna fix it soon." To Lionel's total amazement, Jonathan first slid across the hood, landing on his feet at the driver's side. He then put his hands on the roof, swung his feet into the car, and slid in behind the wheel. "I've missed you, ya know? Let's get outta here and talk or something." Deciding it was best to humor the obviously insane Kent patriarch, he tried to open the door but found it welded shut. "Get in, Luke, geeze! We don't got all day!" As he spoke, Bo reached over and dragged Lionel into the car. "Man, did you forget or what?"
Lionel grunted as Jonathan grabbed his arm, and then dragged him headfirst into the car. The tug of his arm sent him sprawling face-first across Jonathan's lap, with his feet still hanging out the window. Lionel did not dare to contemplate anything other than a dignified way to lift his head from the other man's crotch. He failed miserably, as he was forced to press his face a little harder into Jonathan as he pulled the rest of his body into the car, and then sat up as quickly as possible. "Jonathan, I demand that you tell me what is wrong with you this instant, do you hear?"
Bo cut Luke a sideways glare. "What's wrong with me? Question is what's wrong with you? Why do you keep callin' me Jonathan? I done told you, I'm Beauregard Duke!" As soon as Luke was mostly upright, Bo revved the engine and let out a whoop. "All right, I knew the General wouldn't let me down!!"
Lionel cut Jonathan another glare, but the blond behind the wheel didn't seem to notice.
Martha was panting by the time she got to the milking barn, and she heard the rev of the General Lee's motor. "Oh no," she whispered to herself. "Clark!" she shouted. "I think you better get down here!" While she was waiting for Clark, she ran into the barn. "Jonathan, stop! You've been hurt!"
Bo hammered the horn, causing Daisy to jump. "Now don't you start that Jonathan stuff too, Miss Daisy Mae Duke! I swear, you and Luke are gonna drive me up a wall!" He revved the engine again. "Did Uncle Jesse send you down here?"
Martha thought fast as her heart pounded from the fright of the horn and her worry for her husband. "Yes, yes he did, Bo Duke! He wanted me to tell you to get your skinny butt out of that car and get back up to the house so he can check you out! He saw you fall off the roof!"
~ * ~ * ~
Clark heard his mother calling him and looked at Lex. "Um, Lex… what you're about to see, I know you're going to ask about, but please, swear to me that you won't ask until we're alone, preferably at the mansion?"
"I promise," Lex said, noting Clark's frantic worry for his father.
"Thank you." Then without a blink, Clark lifted Lex into his arms and took off in a burst of super-speed, stopping seconds later in a copse of trees that shielded them from view.
"Talk about being swept off your feet!" Lex said. A thousand questions were bubbling in his head, dying to get out, but he'd promised Clark that he wouldn't ask. Yet.
"I do try." Clark flashed a grin that was only slightly dimmed by the circumstances, and then walked out normally, Lex in tow. "Mom?"
"In the barn, Clark." She turned and saw the two young men coming in together.
Lex flinched when he saw Lionel glaring, then relaxed when he realized that it wasn't directed at him. He would have snickered if the situation had been involving anyone other than the Kents. But the Kents were family to him, and they were in trouble. "We're here, Mrs. Kent."
"Coy? Vance?"
Clark's gears whirred as he heard his father call the two familiar names. "Okay. Coy and Vance are the clones."
"Clones?" Lex questioned.
"Long story, but the short of it is, the guys who played Bo and Luke cut out for a season because of problems behind the scenes, and Coy and Vance are the Duke cousins they brought in to replace them."
"Right," Lex drawled.
"Anyway, I gotta be Vance cause I'm dark haired. You'll get to be Coy."
"I'm so thrilled."
"Daisy! Them boys comin' in or what?"
Clark and Lex traded a glance as Martha came out of the barn. As soon as she did, she realized her mistake as the General Lee jumped into action.
~ * ~ * ~
Dixie didn't play as Jonathan crashed the '69 Charger through the barn wall, but Clark's imagination supplied the horn for the scene. The orange car streaked past them, boards and debris flying everywhere, accompanied by Lionel Luther's outraged scream as he was flung forcefully forward to press against the front windshield - obviously the General was shy the new seatbelts Jonathan had promised to install.
Clark and Martha looked at each other. "Brackett's Creek," they said in unison.
"Let's go," Martha finished solo.
"Yes'm, Miss Daisy." Clark couldn't help himself.
"I'll Miss Daisy you, young man!"
~ * ~ * ~
"YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAWWW!!!!!" As soon as Daisy was out of the way, Bo floored the gas pedal.
Warily sitting back in the seat, Lionel braced himself against the dashboard, just in case. "Jonathan, what do you think you're doing?" he demanded. "Stop this car this moment!"
"Give it up, cuz! We're gonna try and jump Brackett's Creek!" He slammed through the barn door, giving another whoop as they blew past Daisy, Coy, and Vance. "What the heck has Coy done to his hair, Luke! He's durn near bald!"
"You idiot, that's my son, Lex."
"Luke, are you sure you're all right?" He took one hand off the wheel and put the back of it against Luke's forehead.
Lionel slapped Jonathan's hand down. "I'm fine, you moron, you're the one who's sick in the head." Jonathan giggled at that. "Put your hands back on the wheel."
"Now that sounds like you, cuz! You've never thought that I could jump Brackett's Creek!"
"You're going to kill us both, Jonathan, is that what you want?" Lionel flung a loving, longing look at the back seat, wondering if he had time to crawl into its dubious safety. The desire to crawl changed to a need to scramble wildly as they rocketed over a rough patch of ground. "At least slow down!"
"Aw, c'mon, Luke. Get a life here, the General can take it! We built him for it, remember!"
"Oh, how could I forget?" Lionel asked snidely.
"See, there ya go. The General can take the rough ride and so can you." Bo looked over at his cousin, flicking his eyes up and down once.
~ * ~ * ~
Clark was pacing around Martha and Lex, trying to figure out how he was going to carry them both. He finally decided to flip them both over his shoulder, and hooked an arm around each of their waists. Before they could be lifted, they both shouted his name. "Clark!"
"Look, we've got to beat Dad and Mr. Luthor to Brackett's Creek or there's not going to be much left of them or the car. Lex already knows, he just hasn't asked me the whole story yet, he promised he wouldn't." Martha and Lex traded glances, and Lex raised an eyebrow while Martha shrugged. "Thank you," Clark said. He flipped Lex over his shoulder first, popping the startled man once on the rear.
"Clark!!"
Clark grinned as he looked at Martha. "If you pop me, young man, I'm going to ground you and "Coy" there until he's old and you're gray!"
"Mom… would I do that to you?" He gave her his best who, me? grin, and carefully situated her over his other shoulder.
"Don't trust him, Mrs. Kent," Lex warned, and Clark laughed as he ran. He'd never tried carrying two people before, and it was a little iffy, but he was still able to make it to the Creek before Jonathan.
"Okay, Clark. Now we're here, what are we going to do to stop them that doesn't out you to my father?" Lex asked.
"Easy. We build a jump ramp."
"There's not enough time, Clark, not even for you," Martha was almost wringing her hands.
"Yeah there is. You two just… get on the other side of the creek, about where you think the car should land. If I get the angle about right, we'll just have to hope to God that Mr. Luthor's reflexes are fast enough to grab the keys when they land." Clark rubbed his hand over the back of his head, and then went to work. Using creek mud, trees and branches, Clark built a mud jump ramp and packed it with boulders and rocks that were buried under the ground. It wouldn't collapse under the car, and that was all Clark cared about. "Okay, here they come!"
Clark ran across the creek, jumping and landing between his mom and Lex. "Here goes nothing," Clark whispered. His arm was around his mother's waist, and Lex's hand was resting on his shoulder, gripping tightly.
~ * ~ * ~
"Keep your eyes on the road," Lionel snapped, shivering at the blatant look Jonathan had just given him. It had been decades since anyone had looked at him like that, and even longer since Jonathan had.
"You just ain't gonna admit it, are ya?"
"Admit what?"
"That you ain't got no faith in me. Durn it, Luke, I don't know what else you want me to do, but maybe if I jump this damn creek you'll see that I'm just as good a driver as you ever was!" Bo floored the gas pedal again, eyes widening when he saw the ramp by the creek. He hit it square on, and the General was flying. "YEEEEEHAAAAAW!!! I told you I could do it!" he shouted.
The General landed with a thud, and it threw both Lionel and Jonathan out of their seats. The roll cage kept them in the car, but Jonathan's head was slammed against the steering wheel and Lionel was tossed against the passenger side window before the car bounced and righted itself.
"Lionel, get the keys!" Martha shouted as they ran for the car.
Lionel was fuzzy, his head hurt, but he heard the shout to get the keys and thought it was a damned splendid idea. He turned the ignition off and threw the keys at the three people running over to the car, and then looked at Jonathan, easing him back in the seat. "Easy, Jonathan. You're going to be okay." For an instant, he let his true feelings for the Kent man show through as he probed both the front and the back of his head, finding two lumps and one small cut that was bleeding on the front of Jonathan's scalp. By the time that Martha and the two boys reached the car, reached the car, Lionel had scooted back to his own side and Jonathan was starting to come around. "Wake up, Kent, and let me out of this rolling death trap," was the first thing that Lex heard as he went to check on his father. Disgusted, he changed direction and moved to Jonathan's side.
Martha tugged on the door and found it welded shut. "Clark… open the door for me, please, the wreck must have stuck it."
"Dear lady, the door is welded shut," Lionel pointed out.
"No it's not," Clark said, opening the door with ease. "You just have to pull it just right." He caught Jonathan, and Lex helped to carefully pull the man out of the car. "Dad?"
Martha knelt beside Jonathan and shooed Clark to get Lionel out. Clark tugged again, and pulled Lionel's door open too. "That door was welded shut, young man."
Clark shook his head. "My dad doesn't have a blowtorch," Clark pointed out. "I think the paint froze the door shut. You just gotta pull to open it."
Lionel climbed out of the car and walked over to see Jonathan's eyes fluttering open. "What… Martha?" Then his eyes lit on Lionel. "What are you doing on my land? Get… owww… get out of here." Jonathan pressed the heel of his hand to his scalp. "Take your son with you."
Clark would have protested, but Lex put his hand on Clark's shoulder again. "It's all right, Clark. Take your dad home and get him settled. Then you can come up to the mansion and finish the marathon… I'm sure your father's going to need his rest."
Martha nodded. "That's a good idea, Clark."
Clark watched as Lex hurried his father out of sight, and then Clark lifted Jonathan.
"Put me down, Clark."
"No way, dad." He picked up Martha as well, and in seconds had them back to the house. He set Martha down on the porch, and she opened the door as Clark carried his father inside. "There." He carefully sat Jonathan on the sofa.
"What the hell just happened?" Jonathan had his head held in his hands. "What was Lionel Luthor doing there? How'd we get out to Brackett's Creek?"
"Well, Dad…. It sorta happened like this…"
~ * ~ * ~
"God Almighty. That sounds like a bad episode of The Dukes of Hazzard!"
Clark smirked. "That's exactly what it was." At the acidic glare that his dad tossed at him, Clark cringed. "Oooh… um, Daisy--I mean, Mom? Can you handle… I think I'm going to go."
"Where?" demanded Jonathan grumpily.
"Over to Lex's. See, he's never seen Dukes before, and I thought I'd… you know… give him some culture."
"Culture my ass," Jonathan growled. "One of these days, I'm gonna run that boy over with the tractor."
"Dad!"
"Get on out of here, son, you're making the headache worse. Just… don't do anything I wouldn't."
Clark bit his tongue, stamping down the myriad of snarky replies that leapt to his tongue. "I'll be careful, Dad." Then he couldn't help it, as he walked out the door, he started whistling the theme to the show.
The End.