Characters: Soi Fong, Yoruichi
Summary: To make her forget.
Pairings: vaguely hinted at onesided YoruSoi
Warnings/Spoilers: no spoilers
Timeline: post-Soul Society arc
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
Drowning in such a way as not to be killed immediately takes a certain skill, a great deal of finesse and even more willpower. More than anything, though, it takes a ridiculous amount of masochism. The one making themselves drown slowly must truly despise themselves in order to keep reaching for the air and then deny it to themselves, or at least have a taste for pain that goes beyond the accepted "norm".
Soi Fong would not appreciate being classified in such a way, but as it stands, the shoe fits, and she may as well wear it.
Soi Fong has always enjoyed swimming, ever since she was a young child. Her mother would take her and her siblings to a river in Rukongai, and, true to her mother's nature she would simply toss them into the rushing water instead of teaching them how gently first. Soi Fong was the only one to tread water the first time, the one who took the shortest amount of time to become a strong swimmer—as in all things, Soi Fong has proven herself to be the survivor of her family, as evidenced by the fact that, as the years went down, there were less and less children to come to the river.
The cold, rushing water with its hidden rocks had always provided a pleasurable challenge for Soi Fong, who enjoyed swimming in that river though it is more dangerous than most would like—all that meant was that there will be no children there in the summer and Soi Fong will have more privacy all year round. She almost considered it a test, a way to prove to herself that she was still a survivor.
She can remember the first time she brought Yoruichi-sama to the river. Soi Fong is still green and able to smile and blush when the older woman smiles at her, and when they come, it is the middle of summer and Yoruichi stands for a moment and gapes out at the water.
Color floods into Soi Fong's cheeks, hot and embarrassed as she realizes that she never bothered to find out whether Yoruichi likes to swim (What a stupid oversight! She berates herself). She starts to fall back, mortified and crushed, until Yoruichi whoops with laughter and, stripping off the outer layers of her clothing and her shoes and socks, takes a leap off the steep embankment and jumps right in.
"This is great!"
After a little bit of coaxing by Yoruichi, Soi Fong is persuaded to dispense with the outermost layers of her clothing as well and come out to swim with her. It's one of the happiest days of Soi Fong's life, each heartbeat feeling like her heart will swell and burst.
And afterwards, it shrivels.
Soi Fong's heart shrivels every time she looks at the river now. It doesn't feel right without Yoruichi-sama, just like nothing feels right or good without her anymore. Nothing's worth doing; life isn't worth living, not without her, but Soi Fong can't die—her body just won't give out on her—so other measures are taken.
The river is no longer a place for swimming, is no longer a place where any pleasure can be found. The water's song was once sweet and lilting; now, Soi Fong can't even hear it anymore, can only see the dark depths of the water, but she does hear a voice, and she obeys its command.
Strip to the skin and follow me. Swim down as far as you can and then a little further. When you can't feel your heart beating anymore you'll be alright again. Everything will be alright when you can't feel your own skin on you.
If only that were true.
But still, Soi Fong swims past her depth and past all safety anyway. It's not pleasure anymore, only an escape. And it works, for a time.
While she's swimming so far that she forgets what the sun looks like, Soi Fong can go without thinking of Yoruichi. She goes so far as to forget the other woman's name, what she looks like. The only problem with that is that she forgets her own name too and forgets what she, Soi Fong of the Second division, looks like. She forgets everything while lungs and brain starved for oxygen just scream and scream.
And when she surfaces, memory returns to her along with air. Soi Fong can't escape it anywhere but beneath the water.
So this is how she comes to drowning.
Never entirely drowning, of course; it's another test, one Soi Fong is very eager to perform. She sees how long she can go without air, how many stars she can count erupting in front of her eyes before her legs force her with their wild thrashing to surface and take in air again. Always a little further, always a little more dangerous. Push the body past safe limits and then take it further, never relenting, always too harsh on her self, as Soi Fong has always been.
Because really, Soi Fong should have been able to see Yoruichi's departure coming even if she had no warning. So she has to push herself harder, so in future she will be able to see these things before they happen.
And even when Yoruichi comes back into her life, Soi Fong can't feel like she has no further need for the river.
Because now submersion has become as sure an addiction for her as heroin is to others. She can't give it up. She has to do something, anything, to make her feel numb.
To make her forget.