Chapter 1

My name is Isabella Swan but to my friends, I'm Bella. Just Bella. And to my darling Edward (he's my sparkly vampire perfect Greek God [AN: no personality, Mary Sue etc.] boyfriend) I'm 'Bella love'. I have glossy brown hair that tumbles down the elegant arc of my back like a waterfall to my waist. My eyes are chocolate brown and Edward's eyes are golden, sunset, creamy, hard coins that penetrate my icy soul, but sometimes his eyes are the colour of the tarmac on the road or Jacob's hair, and that means he wants to eat me!1! Or at least he did want to eat me, for now he's left me! My darling Edward's left me.

November

December

January

February

March

April

May 4th

I am very sad now that my Edward has left me. I've sunk into a deep state of depression that I fear no one can lift me out of apart from Edward, with his strong, muscled arms that sparkle in the sunlight like a beautiful mermaid. I had taken to slitting my wrists in order to ease the pain that was the punctured hole in my heart. (I also took the liberty of sitting in the emo corner every day.) As well as that, I'd started eating copious amounts of chocolate and ice cream in order to comfort myself from the cold lonely nights in which I reached out for Edward and found no one.

"You want how many pizzas?" the delivery man asked at the other end of the phone line.

"I want seven deluxe extra large meat feasts. Oh, and leave the Anchovies out. They give me gas."

I spent the next half hour tapping my sausage-like fingers impatiently on the kitchen table, waiting eagerly for my food. When the doorbell rang, I waddled as fast as I could manage to the door, knocking a surprised Charlie to the floor in my stampede. I snatched the boxes from the delivery guy's hands, a greedy look in my beady eyes as I salivated all over his face, before turning around closing the door behind me. The fat in my arms rippled as I made the movement and I realised belatedly that I hadn't paid the guy, so I quickly waddled back to the door, clutching my salvation in my greasy paws. I yanked it open only to find that there was no one there. A tumbleweed rolled across my porch.

A small part of me questioned his sudden absence, thinking it odd that he should disappear so quickly, but the much (much) larger part of me was drawn back to the pizza as I gazed down it adoringly, cradled in my arms and rested on my ample bosom.

I shuffled back into the house and settled myself next to Charlie on the couch, who was watching a game of baseball. Charlie's eager hand reached over to try and grab a slice, but I was quick like a ninja. I slapped it away and hissed at him, with a fierce, savage look in my eyes: "Don't. Touch. My. Baby!"

He raised his hands, surrendering before turning back to the game, and I turned back to my little baby.

"You're okay aren't you, little Edward?" I crooned softly. "The big (ironic, huh?) mean man didn't touch you, did he?" I have to admit, I half-expected a reply from the limp, triangular slice of heaven, awaiting the steaming acid pot that was my belly. I stared at it dejectedly, before realising that I had not taken a single bite of the treasure that lay before me. I started panting and licking my lips in anticipation for the glorious taste of the softly melted cheese with a beautiful layer of oil on top that made it sparkle, alongside the tenderness of the meat mingled with the twang of the tomato sauce. I lifted all seven pizzas to my lips and gulped it down. Mmm. Heaven!

After my brief snack, I waddled upstairs (having to take several breaks on the way) to my room, where Edward used to sit every night. Tears sprung to my eyes as I recalled the happy days that we shared when he'd simply watch me sleep at night. I imagined the adoring, pained his expression in his eyes as he looked at me, and I became lost in his all but perfect face. –Sigh-. Those were the days.

I collapsed onto my bed, the springs groaning in protest and my rolls spilling over the sides.

All of a sudden, I heard someone knocking at my window. Who was it? Was it my darling Edward returning to me? I instantly grabbed a comb and pulled it through my tangled greasy hair, picking out bits of tomato from the ends.

I pushed open the window, and who I saw there made me scream in surprise.

Find out who it was in chapter 2!