ScrewedBob SquarePanties

Episode One: The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Porno

This story is based on the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy 6: The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Movie" but, sadly, I do not own this episode of SpongeBob, or any episodes, characters, or scenarios. Nick does. If you want actual SpongeBob stuff not written by a nobody high-school kid, go to and their surrounding companies. This is pure fiction, and is for enjoyment and humour purposes. It is rated M for Mature for sexual description, mild depictions of blood and gore, and foul language. Basically put, it's not kids stuff. If you are at risk of throwing up if you read such descriptive media, avoid this please. Don't let your 4-year-old children read this and send me angry letters. I won't care. I'll laugh at your unfortunate circumstance. Review this, it better be good, or I'll go to your house and kick you cat off Niagra Falls.

The entire Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fan club is sitting on rusty old chairs in Mrs. Puff's boating school, watching Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy on a crappy black and white T.V. in which...

A retired, old, wrinkly, passed-out version of the Dirty Bubble is parking his car. Mermaid Man walks up to him. "This Is A 'Staff Only' zone, Dirty Bubble!" Mermaid Man screams.

"My grandma, The Dirty Bubble, is dying! This is a Hospital! Cut me some slack, Dammit!" said the Horny Bubble, the Dirty Bubble's grandson. "Do you think I'm a old damn retard?" Mermaid Man screamed. "Yeah, what's that got to do with anything?" asked the Horny Bubble. "Well, SO WHAT? Even I know the Dirty Bubble is a guy... this is probably some cheap-ass disguise and this cheap-ass hospital is actually your cheap-ass SECRET HIDEOUT, you cheap-ass!" Barnacle Boy shouted through his wrinkly old lips. Mermaid Man took a pin and popped The Dirty Bubble. "You Dumb-Ass! How could you think my grandma was a guy, and kill her! Damn you!!" shouted the Horny Bubble."Why would a guy put 'dirty' for his name! She was a streaker" Mermaid Man blinked, confused. "But she never wore clothes" "What did you think "Dirty" is, you old asshole?" Mermaid Man again pointed out the obvious "A crap song by Christa Agularia."

This set the Horny Bubble off. How stupid could this old gut get. "You BASTARD!!!" the Horny Bubble yelled, taking the pin from Mermaid Man. "What are YOU gonna do with that, pop us? We're not bubbles. It won't hurt." The Horny Bubble stabbed Mermaid Man in the balls. "SHIT!!!" Mermaid Man Screamed. "See, that didn't hurt at all!" Barnacle Boy said.

The entire fan club started clapping after watching the episode for the 34th time.

The club leader then spoke loudly "Now for our next order of business, The Mermaid Man and Barnicle Boy Porno" The entire club was cheering. "Wow, we're gonna see our favorite heros ON THE BIG SCREEN" SpongeBob couldn't contain himself anymore, so he pulled down his pants. Everyone started laughing at him because he wasn't wearing boxers. "Don't laugh, these are EXCLUSIVE No-Weenie Hut Jr. Undies" they all started laughing harder. Patrick replied "Yeah, I sure hope there are sex scenes. I'm getting sick of masturbating to these old Barnacle Boy exposed photos from PlayGirl magazine" Everyone else laughed so hard at Spongebob and Patrick being their usual Dumb-ass selves so hard that their eyes started bleeding. "Shit!" one guy screamed as his eye popped out, exposing bloody veins.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!! The stars of the movie are here." The Leader of the nerdy group, Zeek, commanded. Two wet, steaming, hot naked 18-year old girls stepped out of the shower, bouncing their tits up and down with their fingers, and barely coving their vaginas with their thumbs, while licking a condom ferociously. Everyone (except Spongebob) started masturbating when the let out loud sex cries of pleasure.

Spongebob stood up, and screamed "I think I speak for everyone here when I say we won't stand for these two phoney-baloneys having sex with two other hunky phoney-baloneys that look like our heros. No alternate-lifestyled Mermaid man and Barnacle boy society member would ever pay to see this useless hoax. I saw we abandoned this movie! Now who's with me?" Spongebob is then thrown out of the building. "That went well" he said happily. Patrick got extremely angry. "What's wrong with you DumbShit Pants? We were kicked out!"

As Spongebob walked toward Shrunken Soals retirement home, Mermaid Man and Barnacle boy were playing Bingo. Mermaid Man screamed the chorus off-key, and pathetically, occasionally stopping to cough. "THERE WAS A DOG WHO HAD A HOUSE AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!" They were thrown out. Barnicle Boy said "What is wrong with you, you old coot? It's a game where you try to get 5 number in each column in a row!" "Well, that sounds boring-ass. What idiot would do that for Fun?" "OLD PEOPLE!!! YOU ARE OLD!!! YOU LIKE BINGO!!" "Well, Cabbage is good but..." "Hey Barnacle Boy have you heard they're making a porno about you guys without you in it? They say you're too old! It just seems evil to me." Spongebob asked. "EEVVIILL!!" Mermaid Man shouted. "What's wrong with him, Bastard-Boy?" "He went Crazy when he lost one of his balls in episode 2403 B." Barnacle Boy said Matter-of-factly."

"I Always wanted to be in a porno!!" Mermaid Man sobbed. "That's disgusting" Patrick said. "Wait - I have an idea - can you film us naked? We'll show them we're not too old to get naked!!!" Asked Mermaid Man. Patrick (who was straight, unlike Spongebob) shouted "That The Nastiest Idea Ever, Why, I'd kill the Sick Mother Fu-"

An hour later Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy were naked and Patrick was filming. "What the - I hate those time story skips when the retarded author can't think of any reason to make us do what he wants us to do, but next thing we know we're doing it." "Yeah," said Barnacle Boy, (who was straight, unlike Mermaid Man) "Whoever wrote this story must have no life. In fact, who sits around writing stupid SpongeBob parodies all day. What a loner. In fact I'll ruin his story. Let's start a rebellion!!!" Barnacle Boy heard his cellphone ring. It asked "Would you like to switch to Virgin mobile and receive..." he hung up. The phone rang again. And again. And again. "FINE! I'll do whatever you want, just stop the damn Phone calls!" his phone stopped ringing. "I'm being held captive by a truly evil, horrible man. I'm a slave!!! I must die!" He jumped off a 20-story building, and landed, unharmed, in the same spot he was in at the start of the paragraph and no one remembered anything.

"What the - I hate those time story skips when the retarded author can't think of any reason to make us do what he wants us to do, but next thing we know we're doing it." Patrick said to himself. Spongebob filmed a magnificent porno, with, well Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy standing there naked doing noting for two hours except saying "We're not too old, we're too nude!" The whole fan club was there on the opening night. When Spongebob pushed "play" you could here their voices, but you couldn't see anything. "What the - Patrick did you take off the lens cap?" Spongebob asked. "What the hell is a lens cap?" asked Patrick."You Bitch!!" Spongebob jumped and Patrick, and they both fell out the window. Mermaid Man said "I guess it doesn't really matter. We're too old to be in a porno." Just then, Barnacle Boy got a random thought and interrupted the classic ending. "Ya'know, Mermaids are always girls, why did you name yourself Mermaid Man. It's kinda gay." Mermaid Man chuckled. "All in good time, my young ward, all in good time." Barnacle Boy again interrupted the classic ending "Ya'know, I'm 126 years old. I'm not young." Mermaid Man, still trying to say something funny to give it a classic ending, threw him out the window so he wouldn't again ruin a funny end, and yelled "But you're still a virgin"