With every heavy step I took towards my house. My arms lazily swayed from side to side.
"Ugh..." I let out a small irritated groan and lifted my limp hand. I pressed my hand against the hot skin on my forehead, pulling it down back to my sides. A cold sweat trickled down my hand along with soot.
Pausing in front of my door, I brushed my hand off on my basil colored jumpsuit. Noticing the stain I shrugged it off and looked forward. Out stretching my arm, I pulled out my keys from my pocket. As I pushed the key into the lock I turned it, causing the keys to loudly rattle.
Grabbing the door knob, I speedily twisted my hand flinging the door open. Turning around I clutched the decrepit wooden door, and pushed it back closed. Walking in, I threw my clanking keys on the bar near the door without a care.
A mingy stinging feeling caught my attention. Lowering my head, I noticed a slice of the wood was forced under the skin on my arm.
"Really? Gosh this house sucks.." I complained out loud to myself. Rolling my eyes I pinched at the sliver of wood, watching as it created a crimson patch around it.
A small vibrating feeling came from my oversized pocket. Oh right! Marcia was going to call me today! With no hesitation at all, I whisked out my phone and glanced down at the screen. Pressing the call button I put it to my right ear.
"Hey Marcia...sorry I couldn't answer earlier, they had me take extra samples of water and chemicals used in the production processes three extra times than needed. I record the equipment pressure and temperature readings four different times. It was..a very stressful day."
"Yeah it's okay, I understand." Marcia spoke in a grueling voice. I furrowed my eyebrows at her tone.
"Are you alright?"
"Oh yeah..yes! Definitely. I was just uh, wondering when you'd be coming over for Mom's birthday. It's in two weeks."
"I don't know." I scoffed. "Ace Chemicals is looking to give me a promotion..somewhere near a chemical plants operatior..it's a big deal. I..I don't want to upset everyone."
"I know that. I just thought.." I gave a groan interupting her.
"I'm such a terrible person. I can't even go see Lisa turn fourtey six." I crossed one of my arms and pouted. "I was gonna sing the happy birthday song too.." Marcia gave a breathy chuckle which made me look away from the phone. "These people are depending on me, I can't abandon them..I'll be making a lot of money. Money I could give to you, and Lisa, and junior-"
"Stephanie, we don't need money, alright?" Marcia quickly cut me off leaving me silent. I sighed and looked back at the phone in my hand. "We never did. We..." a moment passed where I almost felt the need to cry. Why isn't she saying anything? "Steph we need you..." I pushed my hand against the top of my head and shook it no.
"It's better this way. I'm over here where I can be alone...and make a lot of money for you guys. I need to do this."
"But why? T-To prove you could be better than Joe?" I gave a small gasp and clashed my teeth together. My bottom lip shivered as I stood there abashed by her potent words. Closing my eyes and opening them again, I felt a tear slide down my cheek.
"Yeah...I know I can be. I just have to work harder. I can change my life...I-can be someone." I said in a shakey voice. "I know you probably don't understand but...I'm looking for something more...a feeling. Just anything better than what I feel now.." On the other end of the phone, I heard nothing at all. Just the enviable words of torment from her.
"Alright, I get it. I'll tell mom you said happy birthday..." Marcia hung up after she was finished speaking.
I closed my eyes letting the salty liquid flow freely. Grabbing at my hair I tugged on it fiercely. A empty void in my body began to grow, forcing me to hunch up and lean over my table. My heart began to beat faster, a tightening feeling spread out underneath my chest rather quickly. Why do I have to feel this way? I hate being this way.
If I don't let myself down, I let my family down. Even though I live far away from them, in some way, I do. Lisa and Marcia must be terribly dissapointed in me. All I wanted was to be better than Joe Chill...my father. He was so horrid towards me. I thought if I could make money for my family...and I could get away them that awful town then I would change, but I didn't.
Lifting myself up from the table I paced up the hallway and climbed up the stairs. Walking over to my bedroom, I opened the door and pushed it out of my way. I turned my head and looked over to my dresser. Stomping over to it, I pulled open the drawer and dragged out my knife.
I yanked up the dirty steeve on my work uniform, vigorously pressing the knife against my skin. My arms shook as they prepared themselves for the sensation of agony. I muffled quiet words aloud to myself.
"Why don't you just do it...it's the only way to feel better. It's the only way...not to-to feel worthless.." I said giving emphasis on the last word I spoke. My breath already drawing in sharper, weaker. I closed my eyes and grunted pushing the tip of the knife into my arm away from any veins.
I slowly pulled it across my arm making sure to pass my vital veins. Today I added another scar to many I have done in the past.
Watching a deep crimson trickle down my arm I couldn't help but remember the first time I started to self harm. It was back in my freshman year of highschool, I can't quite remember what made me think this was a good idea..but once I started I didn't want to stop. It might have had something to do with my father.
A deep breathing caused me to stop. I glared down at my arm, a large red mark traveled down from my wrist to my elbow. I barred my teeth and watched myself hold my bleeding arm close to my chest. A shooting pain caused me to open my mouth, and crinkle my nose. I began to speak out loud to myself once more.
"This is...I..-" I stopped myself and put the knife down on my night stand near my bed. Already the steel was dripping with blood. Watching my blood leak down to my pulled up sleeves made me remember I just came back from work. "I...need to take a shower." I said rushing over to my drawer.
I grabbed out a heather colored sports bra, clean underwear, and black colored shorts.
Rushing out of my room, I quickly dashed into my bathroom and stripped my clothes. I snatched my shower curtain and jumped in. I rapidly turned the knobs to a very hot setting. Steam started to build up almost instantly once I did that. The water crashed against my body and the shower so roughly it was the only sound I could hear.
I sighed and let my head back letting the water droplets tap on different parts of my body, almost like a massage. It was actually very relaxing. A sudden stinging stuck my arm causing me to audibly display my pain. I looked down to see the blood from my arm drain out of me and onto the bottom of the shower.
Leaning over, I grabbed the shampoo and squinted a little in my hands. I lifted my fingers to my head and began to rub it in thoroughly. My blonde hair began to create suds with the shampoo. I sighed and let my arms down. From the left of me, I grabbed my washcloth and my bar of soap. I rubbed them together getting the washcloth clean.
A strange creaking sound caused me to turn my head. I stared at the door, my heart rate picking up speed. What was that? It sounded like a door closing. I don't remember leaving any doors open. Maybe...it was just my imagination. I mean, I tend to worry myself at times for no reason at all. I squinted suspiciously.
"Yeah..Yeah it was nothing." I reassured myself. I began to scrub my body with the washcloth making sure to get everything clean for bed time. Man, work really did get me dirty today. I had to deal with a lot of stuff at Ace Chemicals. So much that I missed Marcia's call about five times throughout the day.
"Hmm.." I said putting the cloth back on the plastic rod next to me. I wonder if I will get that promotion. It would really help me a lot with paying rent and giving back to Lisa. I owe her so much, she's been very kind to me. I used to go to her to talk about what Joe was treating me like..what he used to say to me. She listened to me and understood.
I could never say those things to Marcia or junior, or anyone else. They were much too vile. I'm really greatful to have her in my life, but I'm not good enough for her. I'm not even good enough for myself. I'm a wreck.
Shaking my head I balled up my hand into a fist and rubbed it against the scar I just made. It began to appear less fresh looking, but still red. I tilted my head back letting the heavy water splash against my soap filled hair. The suds began to drip down my shoulders and back, eventually finding their way into the drain.
Once my entire body was spotless I turned off the shower. Complete silence filled the inside and outside of the bathroom. I sighed and turned my head rolling up my hair, and squeezing it. The remaining water fell against the floor of the shower loudly. I pushed my hand up my head and to the back of my hair.
Stepping carefully out of the shower I grabbed a clean towel out of the cabinet and began to dry myself off with it. I patted down my body and my newly made scar. Some blood was left on the white towel. I frowned.
Tossing my head down and bending over I took the towel and intently scrubbed it against my hair back and forth. Small drops of water splashed left and right coming from the tips on my hair.
I stopped and brought my body up again. In the mirror, I could see my hair look slightly frizzy and somewhat dry. Ehh, good enough for me. I grabbed my sleep clothes and put them on. I really enjoyed sleeping in as little clothes as possible. It's comforting..and I can since I live alone.
Taking a small step towards the door, I noticed how dreadful my scar looked, but it was among other scars so it can't look that bad. Hmm..or maybe it can. I shuffled over to the cabinet and grabbed out rose colored bandages which I proceeded to wrap around my wrist many times. Now it didn't look so bad.
I stared down at the bandages giving them a small smile. It almost looked pretty. I scoffed and shook my head.
Opening the door, I walked out the bathroom scratching my head flipping a lock of my blonde hair over to the other side of my face. I gave a small yawn and covered my mouth. I must be getting tired already. I think it's around nine at night already. Yeesh, I have to get to bed and get some sleep.
A few more small steps led me to my bedroom where I slowly opened to door. As it swung open I lifted my eyes to see a strange man sitting in my bed. He had long, greasy green hair, a white painted face and red lips. He swayed back and forth sitting criss cross holding his feet like a child. A large smile plastered on his face.
I dropped my bottom lip and began to feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't even speak..it's almost as if I didn't know how. All I wanted to do was throw up and run away from this crazy man. I can't even feel my own body anymore...I'm numb. I faint feeling wrapped around my head.