Disclaimer: Don't Own, etc.
"Here's your cup, there's the room," the nurse handed House a specimen cup and pointed to a door at the end of the hall. "Oh, and don't forget to lock the door. Wouldn't want anyone to surprise you at the wrong moment."
House wondered how anyone who did this job day in and day out could possibly be able to snicker at her own comments, most likely the same ones she made to everyone, and yet she had. For a moment, House entertained the idea of saying something sarcastic to her, but he didn't want anything "strange" to show up in his sample later. "Idiot," House muttered under his breath as he turned the door knob and stepped into the room, locking the door behind him.
House had imagined some clinical setting awaited him, so he was surprised to find a dark room with a leather couch. There was a coffee table with some ancient, well-worn "adult" magazines sitting on it. There was a TV with a VCR attached, speaking of ancient. House bet to himself that the tapes sitting on top of the TV were probably so old that at least one of them featured Tracie Lords when she was actually young. House examined the couch more closely. He knew with his leg he would have to sit down to do the deed, but he wasn't exactly sure how sanitary it would be, given the no doubt vast number of sample-producers who had preceded him. A small smile spread to his lips when he thought what Wilson would do if he needed to use this room. He would go through at least a hundred anti-bacterial wipes in an attempt to scrub the place down. Wait, I'd better not think of Wilson if I plan to get this done.
House decided that none of the so-called aids would be of much use to him. He sat on the couch, set his sample cup on the coffee table, and unzipped his pants. He needed to think of something. Would it be too weird to fantasize about Cuddy? God knows he'd done enough of that before he and Cuddy got together. He'd also done it when Cuddy was away at conferences without him. (It was better when she called at night and they had phone sex, but she couldn't always do that, so he'd still had to use his own imagination on several occasions.)
Thinking of Cuddy being away reminded him of how amazing the sex was when she returned. She'd usually make arrangements with Rachael's babysitter to keep her the night she was due back, "just in case" she was late. She'd then skip the last day of the conference, leave on the earliest flight, and get home by early afternoon. Luckily, most of these times, House didn't have a case to work on, so he'd tell his team he would be working in the clinic. (They never questioned it because they assumed he had blown it off since Cuddy was away and that he had to make up some time.) He'd go to Cuddy's place instead. He especially liked it when Cuddy went shopping during the conference and brought home something new from Victoria's Secret or Fredricks of Hollywood. She'd wear it home under her clothes and as they undressed each other he'd get a nice surprise. Not that she'd be wearing it for very long.
They would spend the afternoon, evening and most of the night going at it like they had been apart for four weeks instead of four days. Cuddy would be almost insatiable, and House was more than willing to attempt to satisfy her. All these memories were more than enough to get House "in the mood" and before he was even consciously aware of it, the cup had his sample in it, and he was sitting back on the couch trying to catch his breath.
House checked his watch and saw it was 11:30. He was still excited enough to briefly entertain the idea of calling Cuddy to see if she was available to run home for a quickie, but he didn't want her to suspect that anything was up, so to speak, so he ruled it out. By the time he got back to the hospital, it would be just about time for lunch, so he'd probably just go see if Wilson was around to join him. The thought of cafeteria food and Wilson had managed to get him out of the mood pretty quickly. He got his clothes put back together (such that his clothes were ever put together), grabbed his cane and hoisted himself off the couch. He picked up the sample cup, unlocked the door and handed it over to the idiot nurse, half expecting another stupid comment from her. Apparently, his scowl was enough to scare her into keeping silent. She handed him the rest of the paperwork he needed to fill out, and he left without further incident.
House giving his sample had been the last of the medical tests he'd had to do, so the paperwork was the only thing he had left to complete. Cuddy's birthday was in two weeks, which would not give him a lot of time to get everything together, but at least he wouldn't have the time to procrastinate. When he'd started this, he was worried about how he would get his family medical history on his biological father's side. He wound up contacting him by e-mail, requesting the information as part of a "study" he was conducting on genetic diseases of members of the military. House wasn't sure if Sean Connery figured out the study was a ruse, but he supplied information going back three generations, and didn't report House to any regulatory agency for fraud or HIPPA violations, so House didn't care. Obviously, he had contacted his mother separately, and he didn't even feel guilty when he shredded all the information about John's family she'd conscientiously provided in addition to her own.
So, all that was left was the personality profile. To some extent, this was a pretty silly exercise, since Cuddy had known him for twenty-five years, and probably knew him better than he knew himself. Still, if he wanted to present her with a complete file, he had to do it. Aside from answering the questions without letting his sarcastic, asshole self take over, the biggest challenge was going to be filling out the forms without anyone questioning what he was doing.
If he did it at home, Cuddy would surely notice. (At times like this, he'd wished he'd kept his apartment. But, if he had started spending a lot of time at his apartment again, Cuddy still would have been suspicious, especially since he couldn't use Wilson for an alibi.)
Since he never did any hospital paperwork, it would be pretty obvious to his team and Wilson that he was up to something if he suddenly started to fill out forms in front of them. Because he'd been away from the hospital for all the medical tests he'd had performed, House figured he must be even more behind than usual in his clinic hours. So, he reasoned that he could go to the clinic, and lock himself in one of the exam rooms for a couple of hours. Everyone would think he was just watching TV, sleeping, or otherwise engaged in his I'm-trapped-in-the-clinic-but-I'm-still-avoiding-doing-any-actual-work-mode that he had perfected over the years. Of course, Cuddy might get a key, come in and catch him, but it was a risk he'd have to take. House figured he would carry the forms in one of those fan magazines he bought in the hospital gift shop, and he could always hide the forms in there and pretend to be reading the magazine if Cuddy burst in on him. The way it worked out, Cuddy was so busy she didn't have time to keep track of him, so he lucked out, for once.
It took more like four hours to finish the forms, because House actually tried to answer them as honestly as he could. He submitted his answers and received the completed report two days before Cuddy's birthday. He put the report together in a file and he even wrapped it in some flowery paper he bought at Walgreens. House thought about using a bow, but he didn't want it to look like he was trying too hard, although he suspected it was already too late for that.
A/N: As always, I'm concerned if the characters are too OOC. Please review. Oh, and more to come soon.