This is my fic for Valentine's Day… which is very late… So anyway, enjoy the story!
DISCLAIMER: If I owned Total Drama, it would've taken longer for Courtney and Scott to fall in love… that's if they WERE to become canon.
Believe in love at first sight? Well, you're a fucking idiot! I had no idea why I let my testosterone get the best of me, but I was a stupid, nineteen-year-old back then when I agreed to go through with this. Plus, I just got out of jail after burning down Chris's 'cottage'. Not that it is an excuse for this accident, but my dad was being a dick to me after I returned home. More on that later.
I've dated many people between seeing him for the first time and marrying him. All of this time, he was the main character of my wet dreams. Yeah, Izzy, Courtney, Justin, Chef, Gwen were hot and gave good sex. But I still couldn't get the bastard out of my mind. When I first saw him, I thought he was a stallion. Well, he wasn't muscular or anything, but he was still hot and cute. I wanted to make him a bitch. I know my threatening to pierce his lip and say that the island was his mother's house might contradict how I felt about him at the time, but he came across to me as the submissive type. The only person I've dated before I signed up for the show was Mal when I was in Juvie. Well, not sure if we actually dated, but he did molest me every night. He scared me, and I thought it was normal for the dominant person in relationships. I thought that was how you attracted submissive partners. I wanted to be dominant in the next relationship I was in. So that was basically why I terrorised the jerk on the dock.
Me and the little shit were put on separate teams, so I didn't get to interact much after that confrontation on the dock. The cameras didn't show it, since Chris wanted to air the program in 'sensitive' countries, but I did stare at him a lot. Courtney noticed and threatened to beat the shit out of me if she caught me shagging anyone from the other team. Don't know why I voted out Ezekiel instead of her. I was going to vote Courtney out, but just before the vote Ezekiel was digging through my stuff. He found my pot, thought it was grass and ate all of it. Why someone would want to eat grass is beyond me, but I was pretty pissed that I didn't have my pot, so Ezekiel was sent home. He was lucky that happened; if Courtney went instead, I would've beaten the shit out of him.
The shitbag was eliminated before he picked up those signs. I secretly asked Izzy if he would be into me, but instead she threw me on the floor and did what Mal did to me back in Juvie. Only she was cackling instead of calling me her bitch. She also insisted on being versatile, so I was game for a short-lived relationship with her. I knew Courtney and Heather would find out eventually. They both kicked my ass and Heather tried to do the same to Izzy, only to get molested as well. That's how I figured the RCMP were informed that Izzy was on the island. Heather was pretty happy after the canoe challenge despite her team losing.
Courtney and I bonded, but not on purpose. But I did like the way her personality reminded me of that fucker I ended up getting miserable with. Well… the only common trait I could think of was their anger, but that was still enough to be considered a lot in common for me. I also liked the way she kicked me in the nuts. Plus, she acted like a bitch, which meant that if we hooked up, I got to be dominant. I did get my way, but only for a short time. More on that later.
Courtney did not qualify for Total Drama Action. Neither did the asshole. So I cheated on Courtney with Justin. Being the selfish asshole he is, Justin was only in it because I was into him. I don't understand how a heterosexual male would willingly date a guy just because the guy thought the heterosexual was hot, but we did date. Plus, he was submissive, so who was I to question his sexuality?
Turned out Justin was clingy and jealous. He yelled at me every time he saw me hanging out with Gwen or torturing Harold. Since when was torturing someone bonding with them?! AND WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD DATE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T THEIR TYPE JUST BECAUSE THAT SAID SOMEONE THOUGHT THAT SAID PERSON WAS ATTRACTIVE?! That's what made the whole relationship with Justin disturbing. I broke it off after a few episodes. Believing I was leaving him for Gwen, Justin decided to make the breakup between Gwen and Trent more awkward than it needed to be. Gwen was eliminated the episode after the one where Trent got eliminated, and she also gained 10,000 enemies. Again, Justin is straight, so that makes him an even bigger sociopath in itself. I went back to jerking off to Courtney and the shithead interchangeably to take my mind off of Justin.
Soon enough, Courtney sued her way into the season, and my feelings for her came back to haunt me. Justin picked this up a few episodes later and decided to try and make a move on her. He did have developed a crush on Courtney by then, but spiting me was still part of the reason he attempted to use his 'powers' on Courtney. It didn't work, thank God, and eventually I had her all to myself. We fought a lot, but we stayed together. Even when I still couldn't get that puissant out of my mind, and even when I was also sneaking off to get some dick from Chef Hatchet while Courtney was out of town. That continued even while I was dating Gwen.
Now many of you may think I just walked into the bathroom on the plane without checking to see if it was occupied, fell in love with Gwen all of a sudden and kissed her for no reason. In reality, I've been having feelings for Gwen ever since she was eliminated in TDA. I was just good at hiding them. Besides, I had feelings on other people as well. Courtney, Gwen, Chef and… HIM. Feelings for Mal, Izzy and Justin had gone out the window, but that still didn't help the fact that my heart and my penis were all over the place. That's how I ended it with Courtney, but that only put my feelings for her on hold for a season and a half. All Stars came. Courtney returned, and along with that my feelings for her returned. So that's how Gwen broke up with me in under an episode (besides, she wanted Courtney, Alejandro and Cameron as well; I wasn't the only one whose heart and hormones were all over the place). Chef ended it with me too. He wanted to start up a brothel, and being the greedy bastard he was, he wanted the rent boys all to himself unless I was willing to pay him like the customers.
So with Mal, Izzy, Courtney, Justin, Gwen and Chef out of my life, I was back to the asshole I've had a crush on for the longest. He was a little shit, but that was what I liked about him. All this time in jail, I thought about him. I had a wank about him every night. Not even the inmates could pry my heart and penis away from him. Of course, none of the inmates wanted me anyway. They said that because of my age and 'lust for attention' they didn't feel the need to shift me. Not that I cared. Because Chris and Chef kidnapped me and subject me to one of their nasty experiments that involved Owen, I was only in jail for a month.
When I got out, I made a plan to meet the dude I threatened on the dock. The dude whose pants I took off, scaring him away in the process (which was cute). The dude with the sarcastic comments, yet the inability to physically put someone in their place. By sheer coincidence, he and his family moved in next door. Oftentimes I would climb over the fence in the backyard and throw rocks at his window. He would get really pissed, come outside with a saucepan and chase me away. I never knew he had it in him until the first time that happened, but I liked it. Eventually, after weeks of me bothering him, he finally gave in and allowed me to be his boyfriend.
The prick-dick and I had a lot in common. We were both two very grumpy individuals. We both hated reality shows and Top40 pop stars with autotuned voices. We both loved metal (though he still preferred classical music, but I didn't mind that). We both loved to watch shows like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and lots of other shows. We both admired the same actors, singers and authors (yeah, I like to read! Got a problem with that?!). We agreed on issues like marijuana, drugs, pornography and shit. We also agreed to be versatile in the relationship, especially since the bollocks turned out to be stronger-willed than I thought (he must've learnt how to be mentally stronger after he left the show).
But what really sealed the deal was our hatred of our fathers. My dad is a cop who seemed to be more concerned about his rep in the precinct he works at than the well-being of his children. Just when I thought he was bad enough before I joined the show, he became an even bigger dick the moment I returned home from my second time behind bars. While I was in jail, Dad blew away my college fund on helping my asshole of an older brother pay for a PhD in criminology. Dad decided that I should get a job if I wanted to go to college. Not only that, but Dad decided to cook me meals that tasted like shit while he fixed meals for everyone else in the family that tasted what normal breakfasts, lunches and dinners should taste like. Because Dad also decided to stop giving me my allowance, I had to get my own part-time job to buy food that tasted like actual food, along with credit for my phone, a new laptop, credit for the internet for my laptop (since Dad blocked me off the WiFi) and pot. So yeah, Dad became a first class jackass. At least he didn't kick me out of the house, though I'm pretty sure he wanted to but Mom was having none of it.
Noah's dad was no better. Granted, Noah's dad let him have tasty meals for free, paid for Noah's tuition fees until Noah could pay for them himself, allowed Noah to use the WiFi, topped up Noah's credit and would've likely let it go after several weeks if Noah ever got locked up, (which never happened). But Noah's dad was hell bent on having grandchildren. He had eight other sons and daughters, but Noah's dad actually wanted grandchildren through ALL of his children. He agreed for a surrogate mother from California after Noah got married, but this bugged the hell out of Noah and I. Thankfully, Noah's dad saw me as the perfect son-in-law, but it was almost insulting and extremely creepy every time he said I'd make an excellent househusband. Well it was my ambition to marry somebody who had a decent job so that I didn't have to get one (much to the objection of the same asshat who threw away my uni fund just cos Chris was being a cock). Yeah, I'm just gonna refer to Noah as Noah from now on. I'm running out of curse words for him.
Luckily for Noah's dad, Noah and I did get married a few years later. Noah proposed in front of both our families and Noah's dad was so excited he wet himself without realising it – since he never bothered to cover it up. Noah's dad insisted on being Noah's best man, and he begged my dad to be my best man. Dad was quick to agree when he realised that it would only piss me off. Weirdly enough, Noah's dad arranged to have us get married at a synagogue, even though I'm Catholic and Noah's Islamic. Noah's dad justified this by saying that Judaism is 'the parent religion of Christianity and Islam'. Honestly, I know virtually nothing about this whole religion stuff, but I'm pretty sure Muslims and Christians are technically not Jewish. But the marriage was valid anyway, so Noah and I took it and run.
Things continued on as they had before for the first six months of our marriage. Eventually, Noah and I raised enough bob to buy us a decent apartment. Dad finally decided to stop being a dick and he taught me how to cook and prepare meals, maintain the apartment and pay bills and taxes. Mom taught me how to clean the house, make the beds, do the laundry and other household chores. I think the reason Dad stopped being a dick was because I was finally moving out, and that – I quote - "it won't be long now before Duncan gets to go through what I've been through". I guess maybe Dad still is a dick after all.
Noah and I did fight many times before and throughout our marriage, but those were the kinds of fights most couples go through. Any couple who dodged those fights are fake, unless they are nothing more than characters on the Disney channel. Things got rocky over finances, maintenance, schedules and other kinds of shit. But as soon as Noah and I survived the worst of it – or at least we thought we did – we manned up and decided we were ready to become dads. Noah's dad eagerly – maybe all too eagerly – found us a surrogate mother. From Canada as well. Of all the possible surrogate mothers though, she had to be Courtney. Courtney claimed to be 'altruistic' about doing it, but she laid out shitloads of papers about the terms of the pregnancy she wanted us to abide by. Noah and I were to never tell the child who their birth mother was, Noah had to be the biological father, if we had a daughter she was not to be named Courtney and we were never to end up being those asshole parents who expect the whole world to raise their children for them. If we failed to live up to these terms, Courtney was entitled to kick each of us in the balls in front of our child. Nine months later we welcomed a son named Walter and we agreed to tell him his surrogate mother was a Mexican who wanted an excuse to overstay her Visa while in Canada. Obviously Courtney objected to this, but nowhere in the contract did it said we could not tell our son that, so she can deal with it.
The first two years of fatherhood was a living Hell for Noah and I. High-pitched screams, waking up in the middle of the night, nappy changing, all of that shit. As a toddler, Walter loved to wander around, knocking things over and shit like that. But I loved him all the same. I had to quit my job to be a stay-at-home dad for Walter, as planned, while Noah continued to be a doctor. He was full of life, and he was the best thing about my marriage to Noah.
Sadly, Walter was the only good thing about my marriage to Noah. As much as I hated to do this, I did discipline my son every time he was being a bollocks. I copied the techniques my brother uses on his kids. Whenever Walter threw things off the shelves at the supermarket I'd ask if he wanted attention and stare at him for two minutes until he copped on and put the stuff back. Every time Walter wanted me to buy a big packet of potato chips or cookies, or a big bottle of soda, I'd say no. Noah, on the other hand, ended up being the asshole parent Courtney explicitly said we were not to end up becoming. This may surprise you, knowing my history, but I had to be the one to make sure Walter stayed in line. Every time I left him with Noah for a while, I'd come home to find the apartment looking like a tornado ran through it, Walter crying over a 'boo boo' and Noah sitting on his arse in front of the TV, not giving a shit about the apartment, or our son for that matter.
On the rare occasions Noah took Walter somewhere, I had to take the kids' TV privileges away or send him to bed early because Noah would rather be a wanker than stop our son from doing something he's not supposed to be doing. I would also receive calls from pissed off or hurt employees or whoever else had to deal with my son's shite that Noah had said nasty things to them when they tried to get him to control Walter. Hypocritically, whenever Noah had to deal with other people's misbehaving children he'd scream at them. Hell, every soccer mom in the country kept their distance. And that was how the word 'soccer dad' was invented. Yeah, it did save me having to deal with other soccer dads and soccer moms, but Noah just started a trend of lazy stay-at-home dads who wouldn't know child-minding if it kicked them in the faces.
By the time Walter was four, I decided enough was enough and started being stricter with him. I started making him do push-ups or laps along the running track at the local park whenever he fucked up. I always made sure I'd follow through with my threats. I'd take away nearly all of his toys instead of just some of them for being a brat. I also refused to give him dessert unless he was good. But that was not all. Being good just for the sake of getting rewards was not enough, and I trained myself to tell when Walter was lying to me. Walter would have tantrums or refuse to eat, but if we were in public I'd let everyone stare at him until he'd realise he was only embarrassing himself. Regrettably, there were times when I yelled at him. There were also times when I had to sit on my hands to stop myself from smacking the child. Walter would tell me once or twice a month "I hate you", but I know deep down he doesn't mean it.
Walter's behaviour gradually started to improve, and I guess it is safe to say that he is a good boy. He's in the first grade now, getting mostly B's or C's, sometimes A's and D's, and rarely E's and F's (whenever he got the last three grades, I grounded him or refused to let him watch TV or have junk food, unless he was genuinely bad at the subject he was tested on – Noah would've expected all A's or else bedtime with no supper).My son is well behaved, thoughtful and clever. Funny thing is, I never thought I'd be the responsible parent. I guess I was wrong. But Noah is certainly not the fun parent either. Walter's intelligence will be the only thing I would want him to inherit from his other father.
Speaking of which, Noah began returning home late from work every night. I understand many people have to work overtime, especially if they are doctors. But this was happening far too often. It was getting ridiculous. In fact, Noah would arrive home at 11pm or midnight, sweaty and smelling like alcohol. Yeah, I suppose doctors have to be drunk to do their jobs. Maybe that would benefit patients. He was also returning home with "lower salaries". Noah blamed it on government spending cuts, but I watch the news and read the newspaper as well and I knew our government was paying doctors decent salaries. After weeks and weeks of this shit, I took matters into my own hands to find out what was up with Noah. One night a year ago, when he was asleep, I hacked into Noah's laptop and discovered that the prick-wanker was wasting our money on rent boys. I tracked the rent boys down and discovered that they worked for Chef.
I know I've cheated on Courtney and Gwen, and possibly Mal as well, since we didn't technically break up. But I was young, promiscuous and retarded back when I was dating them. Not to mention, I was also never MARRIED to them or RAISING A CHILD with them. I'm not making any excuses for myself. Even to this day, I regret the lying and the cheating I did. As well as the fact that I got locked up twice. Seriously, having a child made me realise what a bastard I was. But what made me pissed was the fact that the person who was going to get hurt the most was Walter. I confronted Noah over this. Needless to say, Noah was pissed, grabbed a few things and left. Walter and I never saw or heard from him for a week.
After a week of no contact with him, Noah finally came home, threw three cardboard boxes and some Scotch Tape at me and said: "Get out!" I refused to budge, but then Noah hit me. Provoked, I hit him back. Noah hit me again. I grabbed him by the shirt and held him close. Before I was about to knock the cunt out with my fist, I heard Walter crying from the room. Realising it was not worth it, especially considering that I could lose my child over this, I begrudgingly grunted to Noah, "Give us two hours", and let him go. I rang up my brother and asked him to pick me and Walter up. I packed all of my things, Walter's things and around a thousand bucks into the boxes and shoved them into my Dad's van my brother borrowed. My brother, my son and I got in the van and drove off.
My brother told Mom and Dad what happened and they said I could stay with them until we could figure out what to do. Walter was confused by all of this and he asked me: "Daddy, what is going on?" I looked down at my five-year-old son, who was sitting on my lap. Noah was an asshole who never really did anything for Walter, other than give me the money to raise him. I wanted to be honest with my son. However, a lot of the people I spoke to when I was in jail had parents who spoke shit about the other parent to them behind the other parent's back. I would never admit it, but it made me feel bad for these people, even though that was no excuse for them to do what they did to get them thrown in jail (not that I'm judging them, since I've also been to jail; I'm just saying how it is). With a sigh, I said:
"There is no easy way to say it Walter, but Papa loves you very much. It's just that he thinks you and I would be better without him. I know you love him as well, but we have to respect Papa's wishes. Papa wants you to have a happy life, but he's convinced he cannot provide you with one." That was a lie. Noah never cared for anyone but himself. I know for a fact he only married me for sex, food, maintenance and to get his "soccer dad" off his case. But I had to lie to my son. He was too young, too innocent. I know I will have to tell him eventually though, but not yet.
"Can't you make Papa change his mind?" Walter asked.
"I can't son, I'm sorry," I told Walter, wiping tears from his cheeks. He was still upset from hearing his parents fight like that in the other room. "But things will get better for you, I promise." Walter buried his head into my chest and I held him tight. He fell asleep in my arms.
Fortunately, things did get better for Walter. My parents agreed to let Walter and I stay for as long as we needed. They did need help with the house after all, now that they were getting older. Walter continued on with school, and I had him signed up for football and swimming lessons, where he made several friends. I found myself a job five months after moving in with my parents'. After becoming captain of the precinct, Dad appointed me as the civilian administrator for the precinct. Even though this was not the kind of job I was looking at, for Walter's sake I took the job seriously. After befriending some of the cops at the precinct, I grew to like my job and finally respect my father for everything he's done. For dealing with a little shit like me, he's done a better job than I would've done.
I have learned many important lessons throughout my life, after all of the times I've screwed up. But I think one important life lesson is that there is no such thing as love at first sight. All of that is bullshit writers of kids' movies come up with because they are too lazy to come up with a realistic plot. You meet someone and you like them from the first time you've eyes on them? Forget them. Please. These people are not the ones you'd want to end up in a committed relationship with. You will only get miserable if you do.
So what did you guys think? I know; lots of cursing and swearing. That's what you get when you read a story from Duncan's point of view.
The message of this fic is self-explanatory (as you can tell by the sarcasm in the summary). I have never been in a relationship with anyone before. In fact, I don't know much about relationships. But I do know that you should never ever date someone you've fell in love with from the moment you laid eyes on them. The person you end up committing yourself to is usually the person you don't like, or like but don't love, at first. You have to get to know them before you let things go further between ya two. Have lots of common interests, lots of respect for one another and heed plenty of more tips about relationships before you decide to enter a relationship with someone else. I know you can't help who you fall in love with, but you should always do everything you can not to end up with the wrong person.
With that topic left aside, I hope I had Duncan and Noah in character. I also hope you guys have – or have had, considering that Valentine's Day is over in most parts of the world – an awesome Valentine's Day. Whether in a relationship or single, the day is for everyone.
Happy Valentine's Day.