Disclaimer: Don't sue me, I'm not worth it. All Hail the creators of GW (not me)!!
In a dark cubicle, a screen flickers. A sudden chuckle, and then the clattering of keys...
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Duo: Hey Quatre, did you just feel something?
Quatre: Yeah, now that you mention it, I'm starting to feel cold...
Wufei bursts in through the door, cursing and with a hunted look in his eyes. "Take cover! It's a fanfic!!" He then starts running around the small room, looking for safety.
As realization dawns on their faces, pilots 2 and 4 both scramble for cover under the nearest object they can find.
Quatre: Lemme in! I don't wanna be in another 'fic! You know those crazed fans always stick me with Trowa!!
Duo: No, every pilot for himself! I've got the sofa!
Meanwhile, as the two are struggling to cram themselves under the sofa, Wufei manages to leap over the TV in the corner, and curls himself into the tightest ball he can imagine. Quatre, giving up on hiding *under* the sofa, makes a futile effort to swim between the cushions. The sound of a thousand people saying "Watusi" erupts from no-where, and the entire sofa disappears.(I love Douglas Adams' work.) The slight quivering from behind the TV has also stopped.
Duo: Quatre, get OFFA ME! And while you're at it, see if the coast is clear.
Quatre slowly and carefully peeks between the cushions, ready to run or assault the enemy author with his arsenal of pillows. What he sees causes him to leap from his cover, which incidentally gives Duo a mild squeeze to the ribs.(Fear not, Duo fans, I like him too!) He runs over to the table and sits, pouring himself a cup of tea. "It's ok, Duo, there's TEA!"
Duo: Anything else? No authors, no screaming fangirls? What about food? And where did Wu-man go?
Wufei: Duo no baka! It's Wufei, not Wu-man, not Wuffie, and if you ever call me Justice-Boy again, you'll never have a place to keep your lockpicks!!
Duo: Oh, he's over there. I was afraid we were in trouble.
As Duo worms his way out from under the sofa, he looks for the source of Wufei's voice, but can't see him. Strange, he should be able to see him...and where is Quatre and his ever-present tea?
Duo: Uh, guys? I can't see you...AAAAAAAAHH! Not another featureless-white-room-fanfic!!
Unnamed voice: Oh, does that make you uncomfortable??? Here, see if this helps...
The featureless-white-room (A/N: henceforth to be known as the fwr) suddenly turns pitch black, leaving our two pilots to blunder around, hands waving in front of their bodies, cursing every time they stumble. Quatre continues to sit, sipping tea, trying to preserve his sanity by focusing on what matters in life.
Duo: Hey! Turn those lights back on! Ow..kuso!
The unseen lights flare back to life as Duo continues to fall over Wufei, the cause of his sudden lack of balance. Realizing that falling on his face might leave a mark on said face, he rolls with the fall, and gracefully boosts himself back to his feet.
Wufei: MAXWELL, what are you doing!
Duo: I *could* ask the same of you. What are you doing lying on your back?
Wufei: I decided it would be safer if I didn't flail around in total darkness, but you've proven that theory wrong, haven't you?
Unnamed voice: Knock it off! As fun as it is watching you chase Duo around with your katana, I might have a job for the three of you!
Quatre:(hesitantly) What is this job?
Duo: More importantly, who the jigoku are you?
Unnamed voice: Well, if you must know...I am one of the legendary "Knights Who Say Nee!!"
Duo: Yeah, ok, but you still haven't told me your name yet.
Unnamed voice: My name is Phelan, and why aren't you cringing in terror? You obviously know I'm a fanfic author, and therefore the reason you are here is for my own twisted sense of humor.
Wufei: The Braided Baka here does this every time. He will continue to be his usual overbearing self until it is proven to him that the author/authoress is not going to let him get away with anything.
Duo: Oi! I do not!
Phelan: Ah, yes. Now that you mention it, I have seen him act that way before in other fics. I could have fun with that...
Wufei:(under his breath) Oops.
As the three pilots adjust to the fwr, they begin to make each other out in the blinding white. The sofa is still there, cushions scattered about. Quatre is indeed sitting at a table, drinking tea. Wufei is sitting Lotus-style, and Duo is standing next to him, staring up into the "sky". With a sudden thwak, a second huge table appears, sagging in the middle from the incredible weight placed upon it. Duo's eyes bulge, chibi-style, as he gapes at the tons and tons of CANDY on the table. When Wufei realizes what's on the table, his eyes widen with fear.
Duo: MINE!!
Wufei: Oh no, this is NOT what I need. OMAE O KOROSU, Phelan!!
Just then a portal opens, and what must be Heero's voice is heard yelling out "That's MY line, Wufei!" As Duo lunges for the table, Wufei pulls his trusty katana from the all-powerful hammerspace. One lusts for sugar, the other, blood.(A/N: Am I that obvious?) As Wufei prepares to give chase, he pauses and whirls around, expecting this as-yet-unseen author to finally put in his appearance in an honorless rear attack. He's disappointed. The table vanishes, leaving Duo to land on the floor. As Duo lands, a pop is heard, a hole opens up in the ground in front of Wufei, and out pops Phelan. He is plain, 5'9", and in need of a shave and some caffeine.
Wufei: KISAMAAA!!
Phelan: Behind you.
Wufei stands stock still, katana still poised over his head, not sure if turning his back on an unknown author is a good idea. Then again, this one seems so...calm. Without lowering his guard, he peeks over his shoulder to see Duo angrily dusting himself off, without a grain of sugar in his system. Thinking that this author may not be a Wufei-basher, he lowers his katana and starts laughing at Duo's predicament.
Duo: Hey, where'd all the good stuff go?
Phelan: Not 'till you take care of that job I mentioned. Sorry Quatre, same goes for you.
With that, Quatre finds himself merely sitting in a chair, where earlier there had been his tea and table and cup and saucer and so on and so forth. He stood up to protest, and the chair winked out of existance. Knowing that most authors would merely have made him try to sit without a chair, he stifled his reaction.
Phelan: Good, you seem to understand. I'm not going to humiliate any of you unless it is deserved. The reason you are here is because I want you three to pull a prank on Treize and Zechs for me. I don't think I have to explain to you why I need Duo here, but I need Quatre because NO-one would expect it. Wufei gets to be here because he deserves to; there are too many yaoi fics with the three of them. Fair? (ACK!! Alright you hentais, cut it out!)
Duo: Sure! I'm ALWAYS ready for pranks!
Wufei: YES!! Finally, an author who isn't trying to throw me to those two!
Quatre: I don't know, I'm not really the person you should be looking for...
Phelan: Must I convince you? Does summoning all 29 of your sisters for a game of Dress-up sound threatening enough?
Quatre: Eeep!! N-no, I t-think I can help.
Phelan: Thought so. Duo, if you can come up with a truly great prank, you get that table of candy you saw earlier. Don't worry Wufei, you won't be in the same time zone when that happens.
Wufei: THANK YOU thank you thank youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!! But, why are you doing this?
Phelan: I have a bet with some friends. Wait, why am I telling you this? Start cracking, Duo!!
Duo: Well, lets see. If you really want to get them, I suggest a string of pranks, one after another. I'll need some Gundanium-strength superglue, some duct tape, a rubber duckie...
Wufei: What's the duck for?
Duo: For the bath I'm going to take, Wuffie! If I'm gonna be running from those two after *this* series of pranks, I've gotta be as relaxed as possible.
Wufei: I hate to say it, but that makes sense. And don't call me WUFFIE!!!
Quatre pulls Wufei aside as Duo continues giving his lengthy list to the author.
Quatre: You know he's only doing that because you hate it. If you act like you don't care he'll eventually give it up.
Wufei: Yeah, but if I do that, I won't have an excuse to beat the crap out of him whenever I want to.
Quatre: Uhh, ok Wufei. Lets see what Duo's come up with...
They head back, and Duo starts explaining the plan.
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Meanwhile:
Zechs and Treize are each at the mansion they share. (Knock it off, you hentais!! There's a limit on mansions in my reality, ok?)
Zechs: Why did you have to give me a purple Gundam? Why couldn't I have a grey one!
Treize: There was a mistake on the order form. The people in charge of Gundanium coloring process have been sacked. (You guessed it folks, I love Monty Python's work too!)
Zechs: That may be, but I still have a purple Epyon sitting in the hangar. And you wonder why I still wear this damn mask!!
Treize: Oh, shut up about the mask! It was bad enough when you wore it to hide the fact that Relena is your sister!
Their 'discussion' is interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.
Zechs gets up and answers the door to find Quatre and Wufei standing there, both with sachels slung over their shoulder.
Zechs: Hi guys! Come to start another battle?
Wufei: No, we just wanted to know how things have been. It's been too quiet ever since you tried dropping Libra on Relena.
Quatre: That, and we heard that Treize had made some cookies. We haven't had lunch yet. Is Lady Une here?
Treize:(perking up at the sound of Wufei's voice) Is that Wufei I hear? Zechs, let him in.
Wufei pales a little as he realizes the author's power to leave him in another yaoi fanfic, then remembers nothing truly bad has happened...yet. Just before he enters the mansion, he sees Duo giving him the thumbs-up as the braided one drags a large sachel off to the hangar where Epyon and Tallgeese III are berthed.
They all enter the large and opulent family room. Quatre makes a rather obvious attempt at sniffing the air.
Quatre: What's that, cookies I smell?
Treize: Yeah, I made a batch earlier. Since I'm no longer the head of Oz, I have to find something to occupy my time. So I've been learning how to cook, and Zechs has taken up woodworking. (what have I been drinking? WOODWORKING???) Lady Une is out shopping for ingredients for me.
Zechs: Mmm-hmm! I made that table over there, the one in the corner.
Quatre and Wufei look at a table that is somehow level on the surface, but seems to defy the laws of physics and gravity trying to do so. The edge of a matchbook is seen sticking out from under one leg, steadying the 'table'.
Wufei: Looks...cool. I kinda like it.
As he stares at it, he feels his head starting to hurt. By tilting his head to the left almost as far as it goes, the table starts to make sense, and the pain subsides.
Zechs: Well, it _was_ my first try at it.
Quatre and Wufei: Aaah. I see.
Wufei then goes to his satchel and pulls out several bottles of something that looks strong enough to melt a mobile suit.
Wufei: We wanted to, um, apologize for fighting against you and for being such jerks. So when we found this stash of (Another homage to Douglas Adams!) Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, we thought you might like some. How does a toast sound to you?
Zechs and Treize are both looking at the bottles as if trying to empty the contents into their throats by telepathy.
Zechs: Sure!! Let me get some glasses.
Wufei: No! I'll go get them. Hey Quatre, gimme a hand, will you?
Quatre: Actually I wanted to...
Wufei: Now...
With a sense of urgency and a wink that Zechs and Treize can't see, Quatre accepts and they head into the kitchen. Quatre looks unsure, but Wufei heads to the window and peers out. Seeing Duo running away from the hangar, Wufei unlocks and opens the window, and Duo runs to meet them.
Duo: Whew, just finished. Everything is ready. How are things in there?
Quatre: They were staring at the bottles like they were two men stuck in the desert for years!! What is in those things?
Duo: Just a not-so-harmless drink. Wufei, you _did_ prepare them like I asked, right?
Wufei: Of course, you onna! Now what's next on the list?
Duo: well, one of you has to get Zechs' helmet, and the other has to get into Treize's bathroom. Wufei, have fun with Zechs!
As Wufei starts sputtering, he suddenly looks around the kitchen, and runs towards his target. Snatching up the box of tissues, he starts stuffing them into his nostrils. Duo starts snickering, but just smiles when Wufei whirls on him. Quatre is continuing to look unsure of himself, but manages a weak grin at the sight of Wufei's efforts to prevent the inevitable nosebleed. Upon seeing the look in Wufei's eyes, the grin vanishes and Quatre discovers the pleasure that can be had by staring at the floor. Duo, on the other hand, resumes chuckling, not noticing or caring that his life may be in peril. Before either of the two pilots can begin what is sure to be a grand battle, Phelan appears between them, brandishing a cartoony-overkill gun (think the buster rifle's bigger brother after steroids).
Phelan: Now now, back to work. I don't want to have to, but if you two don't knock it off, I know of a hundred screaming fangirls who'd be *more* than happy to see you two dress in drag and do the hula. Got it?
Faster than a stalking Relena, the two shake each other's hands, knowing full well the power of the dreaded fangirls.
Phelan: Much better. You catch on quick. Quatre, (at the sound of his name, the sandrock pilot twitches as if zapped by a cattle prod) stop gibbering, go sneak into Treize's bathroom, and *don't* forget any part of the plan!
As the three leave the kitchen (Duo by the window, Wufei with the glasses), we see the author double checking the settings on the cattle prod that Quatre had been zapped by, before returning it to Authorspace(tm).
Phelan: Hmm, he shouldn't have jumped that high on the lowest setting...
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The two pilots return to see Treize and Zechs quietly discussing something with their backs to the kitchen entrance. Wufei coughs to announce their return, and both former OZ members fail pathetically at looking innocent.
Zechs:(sounding slightly emberrassed) Um, uh, we were beginning to wonder when you would return, little dragon. I see you managed to find the glasses.
With a nod, Quatre places the glasses on the table, then searches through his pack for the "specially prepared" bottle. Finding it, he begins to pour the contents into each of the glasses, trying not to smirk at the sight of Wufei trying to find a seat that neither Zechs or Treize can share. Wufei finally gives up, sitting at the extreme edge of the sofa. Feeling sympathetic for his poor ally, Quatre manages to grab the spot next to Wufei before the others can slide over. Narrowly avoiding Zechs' lap, (slight trickle of red begins to form under Wufei's nose) Quatre then begins to pass the glasses out. Slipping Wufei a small package, Quatre and Wufei both hurry to down the antidote to the powerful drinks in their hands.
Quatre: Let's have a toast. What shall we toast to, Mr. Treize?
Treize: How about a toast to...possibilities and friendship.
As he says this, Treize not-so-subtly gazes at his little dragon, who notices the look and visibly cringes. Then Wufei sees the same hungry gleam in Zechs' eyes and nearly falls of the edge of the couch. Fortunately he manages to hold on to the drink, after having the author explain beforehand how hard it is to bring strong alcoholic mixtures through cross-overs. (Long story. Don't ask.) The four of them have their toast, and quickly down the contents of their glasses. All four look at each other with satisfaction, after which Zechs reaches for the bottle. While reading the label, his eyes seem to widen, though it *is* hard to tell behind that mask of his.
Zechs: Wow, this is from 178! That was the best year, almost impossible to get! Where and how did you get this! And why am I speaking with all these exclamation marks!?!
Wufei begins to open his mouth, but Quatre interrupts him.
Quatre: Rashid found this man on the L3 colony and almost traded half of the Maganac Corps for a single bottle! I managed to talk him out of it, and we ended up trading our 263rd mansion for two bottles. We used the first bottle to christen Sandrock.
As Zechs listens, he sets the bottle down, turns to face Treize and slumps over, nearly clipping Treize's skull with his mask as both men fall unconsious.
Wufei: Whew, for a second there I was afraid it wouldn't work. I'll take care of Zechs' mask and let Duo in, you go take care of Treize's bathroom.
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They split up, Wufei stopping just long enough to pry the helmet off of the comatose victim. 'Hmm, who would have guessed that he wears this mask to hide his grey roots,' Wufei thought as he reached into his own rucksack. (Outside one of the windows, we see a lone figure running in complete and utter terror from a rampaging horde of Zechs-loving fangirls. One can only feel pity for the poor author Phelan as he rapidly disappears over the horizon. Ahem, don't flame, this *is* meant to be a comedy after all.)
Quatre pokes his head into the bathroom, afraid that Colonel Une (Glasses on!) might be waiting to torture him for what he is about to do. Seeing that no-one is in the enormous and somewhat feminine bathroom, he lets out a breath. Two seconds later, he throws himself back into the corridor, overwhelmed by the power of rose-scented bath oil. Reaching into his pack, Quatre dons a gas mask and heads back in. Wondering where Treize would keep his bathing supplies, he heads over to a large cabinet first.
Quatre: If that smell was that strong, he must have an awful lot of oil. This looks big enough.
Opening the door, he is greeted by the sight of dozens of loofas, sponges, brushes, and other bathing supplies, but no containers of bath oil. A few rather un-Quatre-like words run through his mind, as he wishes the whole ordeal to be over and done with. Closing the door, he turnes around and notices a door in the opposite wall.
Quatre: Does he have an *entire closet* of that stuff?
Heading over to the door, the blonde arabian tries to open it, but it is locked. Glancing down, he lets out a small groan when he recognizes the tell tale pad for a fingerprint scanner. After actually voicing those same bad words he had thought earlier, (Bad Quatre!) he sets off in search of his comrades.
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Having prepared the helmet/mask and placing it next to its owner, Wufei hurried to the back door and let in a grinning Duo.
Duo: Finished with poor Zechs' mask?
Wufei: Of course, you onna! How did everything go in the hangar?
Duo: All set, *Wuffie*! Let me set one last trap and we can go get Quatre. We better hurry though, that drug should only last another fifteen minutes!
Before the chinese pilot can even react to the offense, he is surounded by a wall of Phelan copies, all armed with horrifyingly ugly means of torture. (plushies, pictures of Barney, Sailor Moon, Teletubbies, and worst of all, a life-sized photo of Relena) Curling up into a ball, we hear our almost-fearless pilot cry, "Alright! I won't!" before all the copies vanish into Authorspace(tm). Several seconds later, in the stunned silence, Wufei opens his eyes, looks around, then climbs to his feet to resume his conversation, this time with *some* civility.
Wufei:(whispering, afraid they might come back again) That short? I hope Quatre gets back here soon.
Before Duo can reply, Quatre bursts into the room and explains his problem.
Quatre: I don't know why, but Treize has some kind of fingerprint scanner on a door in his bathroom. I think the bath oil is probably on the other side. C'mon, I need you two to help me carry Treize to his bathroom so we can get open the door!
Duo: Alright, but I'm only carrying his legs. You and Wuffie can lug the rest of him.
Before Wufei can react, Duo suddenly jumps and lets out a yelp. Duo tries to turn and face the cause of his pain, but stops as he realizes that doing so would pull even harder on that famous braid of his. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Phelan standing there with a big grin, a fistful of braid, and a pair of *very* large scissors.
Duo: What gives?
Phelan: Well, it's only fair this way. I stopped Wufei from getting you once, and now I'm stopping you. Problem?
He brings the scissors closer to Duo's precious braid to make his point crystal clear. Duo stammers out a "no" before he gets a trim, and drags the other two Gundam pilots with him the instant his braid is released.
Phelan: Boy, he'll do anything with the proper motivation.
After making sure that no-one but the reader is paying any attention to him, Phelan flexes the rubber 'scissors' before hiding them away in Authorspace(tm). (I hope this keeps all you Duo lovers out there happy, or at least not angry enough to kill me!) With another grin, he vanishes with a puff of smoke and the sound of ten thousand people shouting "Hoo-Haa!"
Having dragged his fellow pranksters into the family room, the still-braided baka begins to pick up Treize, the others joining him and heading off towards the bathroom. Once there, Quatre manages to press the unconscious man's thumb against the pad. With an angry buzz, the door remains locked. With another foul word uttered, (and looks of shock from Duo and Wufei) Quatre moves on to the next finger. After all ten fingers, it is clear that the door won't open.
Duo: What the? Why won't it open? This *is* his bathroom, isn't it?
Wufei: Of course! In all the fanfics, who is the only one who ever prepares for Treize's baths?
Quatre: Um..
Wufei:(Not quite hearing him properly, as he is supporting Treize's torso) Exactly! Lady Une! The door must be keyed to open for her fingerprints.
Duo: Alright, that's no problem. All we need is *her* fingerprints.
Quatre: Duo, didn't Treize say that Une was out shopping? How are we going to get her fingerprint if she isn't even here!
Duo: Don't worry, I should have what I need in my bag!
With that, he drops Treize's legs to the floor, sets his bag on the edge of the *massive* tub and starts rooting around in it. Random items are soon flying through the air, guns, ammo, manga, combs, a stuffed Deathscythe, at least two dozen pineapple grenades, etc. Soon Duo is buried in his bag up to his shoulders, and muffled sounds start filtering through. A trombone, car horn, what must be a whoopie cushion, glass breaking, (followed by Duo saying "whoops, I was wondering where that went") and various other comical noises. Notably absent is the ever-present cat screech. When Duo finally comes up for air, his face is smudged with dirt, but he has a look of triumph plastered on it. Holding up a small wooden block, he passes it to Quatre.
Duo: Try this, just push that end up against the scanner.
Quatre: What is this and where did you...nevermind.
He presses the indicated side up against the lock, and with a staisfied beep, the lock clicks open. After handing the block back to Duo, he begins to open the door. Duo tosses the 'Fingerprint of Une' (Buy yours today! Only $9.95) back into the bag, where we hear a whistling noise slowly grow in pitch and volume, until finally it impacts with the bottom of the small Hammerspace(tm) pocket. The inevitable cat screech is heard. After all that, Wufei, having dumped the still-out-like-a-light Treize, picks up where Quatre left off.
Wufei: How did you manage to get a 'Fingerprint of Une', and why don't you have a 'Fingerprint of Treize'?
Duo: Phelan gave it to me, and he said that it would be enough.
Wufei: Well, why didn't you let us know before we dragged his (pointing at Treize's body) heavy @$$ all the way up here?
Duo: 'Cuz I forgot I had it?
Wufei:(reaching into *his* part of Hammerspace to give Duo a haircut) KISAMAAAA!!
Before either one can bolt, Phelan makes yet another appearance. Sticking one foot out in front of Duo, and pulling out a ridiculously large katana of his own, he stops them both. Duo trips over the aforementioned foot and lands on Treize, (Enough! No Hentai stuff here!) who merely yawns and nearly gets his arm around Duo before it is knocked away by Duo's attempt to stand. In the meantime, seeing his chance, Wufei raises his katana overhead and slashes downward. Phelan merely lets the sword slash down through him(a la DragonBall Z), doing absolutely no harm before the sword buries itself in the floor. A return slash from Phelan and suddenly Wufei abandons his sword while trying to hold up his pants. Quatre sputters before reaching for a conveniently placed box of tissues; Wufei isn't the only one blushing and gushing!
Phelan:(putting the sword away) ENOUGH! Can't you two work together for just one simple task without trying to insult, kill, hurt, maim or otherwise be mean to each other?
Duo and Wufei: No!
Upon hearing this, Phelan simply nods and vanishes. Duo finds himself tied upside-down over a vat of boiling acid, with his braid hanging limply below his head. Wufei is in a straight jacket, which is tied to a chair which is bolted to the floor. In front of him is Nataku, almost completely covered in high explosives, while Phelan stands holding the Heero Self-Detonation Trigger(tm).
Duo and Wufei: OK! We'll be good! Just don't hurt my Brownie/Nataku!
They are both standing next to Quatre, waiting for him to open the door. Wufei has his belt back, completely undamaged. With a light push, the door swings open, revealing...
Wufei and Quatre: Dear God!
Duo: Thank you.
Wufei: Not you.
Duo pouts.
Towering over them is a giant vat labeled: Herbal Essence Rose-scented Bath Oil. Large enough to hide a gundam in, there is a small spigot at the bottom near the door. A ladder stretches up into the darkness.
Duo: Whoa! Better start climbing, Quatre. This *is* your part of the prank.
Shrugging his pack onto his shoulder, Quatre begins climbing. After several minutes, an empty refridgerator-sized bottle crashes to the floor. Eventually, Quatre climbs down into sight and upon reaching the bottom, sits down to catch his breath.
Quatre: It's huge! You have no idea how far up that thing goes!
Duo:(Giving that 'I've-just-pulled-a-great-prank' grin of his) Well, if you're finished, I'd like to get ready for when those two wake up.
Wufei: How much longer?
Duo:(Looking at watch) We've only got another minute or two. Kuso! We need to get those shots of them drunk! We've got to hurry.
Racing out of the storage bunker, the three snatched up Treize and headed back to the family room. Quickly, before Zechs and Treize woke up, Quatre and Duo creatively arranged the sleeping forms (Alright, NOW you hentais can think what you will), while Wufei manned the camera (and tried to hold back the nosebleeds). Before Wufei could finish off the roll of film, the drug wore off and the two men awoke. Blinking and trying to clear their heads, the quickly realized what it looked like they had been doing. Jumping away from each other, they both covered themselves up with whatever was available. Treize snatched a cushion from the sofa, while Zechs dove behind the sofa, grabbing his mask and using it as temporary cover. Laughing like any true maniac would, Duo and Quatre bolted, while Wufei paused long enough to take a final picture and make a rude gesture.
As the three boys ran out the back door, Duo stopped to arm his first trap. Inside, he heard many curses and crashes drawing near. He headed off to the corner of the house, but stopped before rounding it, hefting a video camera to his face and hitting the record button. The back door flew open with a crash, Zechs and Treize half-dressed and bright red. Furious, they looked around before spying Duo. He laughed, pointed upwards, and blew them a kiss.
Of course, they looked up. A 55-gallon drum upended itself over them, drenching them in tar. After a few sputters and many more curses, the chase was back on. Duo disappeared around the corner, and readied his second trap, just in case. He heard the two men stop just before the corner, and then silence.
Treize(Whispering): What are the odds that they've got another trap around that corner?
Zechs(Also whispering): With Duo here, I'd bet my life they'd have a dozen waiting.
Treize(Still whispering): Wait! If we get our Mobile Suits, they won't be able to do anything to us.
Zechs(Yes folks, *still* whispering) Got it. I'll lead.
Both men turned and ran for the hangar. When Zechs kicked in the door, he jumped back, expecting feathers to complete the gag. Nothing happened. Peeking in, he looked up but didn't see anything. In fact, there was nothing to show that anyone had been in the hangar at all.
Zechs(Talking normally): It looks like they weren't expecting us to come here.
After climbing into Epyon and Talgeese III, (with much bitching from Treize because the tar would ruin the new leather seat) they began powering up. The moment the computers came on line, Duo's little surprise kicked in. The hatches sealed shut, and both men were soon cursing in several languages about the mating rituals of mankind as the ventilation systems started spewing feathers, covering them completely and finishing the treatment. Then the main hangar door opened up, spilling sunlight across the features of both mecha. Duo's decorations, hidden by the dark interior, soon would become the laughingstock of the neighborhood. Tallgeese had what appeared to be a giant evening gown over its metallic surface, with a rose painted on its face, clenched in teeth that had also been painted on. Epyon was decked out in a wonderful black tuxedo, and even had a giant top hat perched over the antennae. Both suits stepped out into the open, and soon a beautiful song began blaring out through the external speakers. A tango!!
The second part of Duo's program kicked in, and no matter how Zechs and Treize struggled, they could neither open up the hatch nor stop the actions of their wayward mounts. With a bow from Epyon, Tallgeese executed a curtsey, and the dance began. Duo, who had set up several video cameras before hacking into the mechs, now stepped out into the open and began singing and hamming it up in true Shinigami style. As the music drew to a close, both suits turned to face the audience that had gathered to watch the spectacle, and seemed to shut down. Simultaneously, both hatches swung open and revealed the two victims of one of the greatest pranks ever performed.
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Phelan winked into existance in front of a bank of televisions, a smirk on his face.
Phelan: Well, did you like it?
Voice: Oh, that was the greatest! Give Duo my thanks. The only things missing were a banana peel and the kitchen sink.
Phelan: Well, you can't have everything. What about you, was it really worth it?
Voice #2: The best! I can't believe you managed to pull it off with Quatre there, and especially without a fight from either Duo or Wufei!
Phelan: Then I have won, hm? I *did* agree to do this for a price.
Voice #1: Don't worry, you will get it. A full-sized, complete copy of Deathscythe. That will take some time, but you have my word you will get it. How will we contact you when it is finished?
Phelan: Don't worry, Lady Une, I'll know when it is finished. May I speak with Leutenant Noin for a moment?
Lady Une: Certainly, Phelan. And thank you again. I just hope His Excellency will forgive me after he takes his next bath.
Phelan: I don't know. That dye is quite strong. I warned them not to go *too* far. And that is no longer my concern. Thank you for that impression of your fingerprint, though.
Lady Une(leaving): You are quite welcome.
As she leaves, Phelan turns to face Lucrezia Noin.
Phelan: Now for the second half of our contract.
With a small puff of smoke, Phelan reappears, looking like he has had a full night's sleep and a shave. (For those of you who are fanfic authors, sleep is that thing you do that makes you feel less tired, without the use of caffeine) In fact, with those two changes, he no longer looks anything like a fanfic author.
Noin: I did agree to it. Come here.
Looking like a kid who just got every toy in existance under his Christmas tree, he and Noin share a brief hug, and both plant a kiss on each other's cheek.(1) Noin then pulls out a photo of herself that she autographs before handing to Phelan.
Noin: I hope you write fics more often. So far, you're the only one who didn't let things go completely to hell.
Phelan: Perhaps in the future. I must be going.
With that, he vanishes into thick air, which we all know contains far more places to vanish into than thin air.
END
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As both befeathered bishonen (say that three times fast!) stumble out of the public's eye, we see Zechs trying, and failing miserably, to pry his mask off. (So that's what Duo wanted the Gundanium-strength superglue for!) We again watch Phelan trying to escape the countless numbers of fans who have been offended in this fic. He books it past a nearby camera, pausing long enough to rattle off some apologies, hopes that people will review, and then takes a bow. The enraged crowd of Treize- and Zechs-lovers go flying through the space he has just vacated, and with a final wave, the camera is turned off.
Back in the cubicle farm from whence this fic came, the lone figure continues his hideous cackling. A head suddenly appears over one of the walls of this cubicle, and a boss is heard, "Stop writing that $%^* fic and get back to work!" The evil laughter stops abruptly, the desk light comes back on, and I save my work, hoping to publish it before the end of my shift.
Enjoy!
(1) I have lived in Italy for a few years, I'm part Italian, and yes, that is a traditional greeting/farewell over there! (the bio on Noin says she is from that area) Besides, I'm a major fan of Lucrezia Noin, and I'm the author, dammit!
In a dark cubicle, a screen flickers. A sudden chuckle, and then the clattering of keys...
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Duo: Hey Quatre, did you just feel something?
Quatre: Yeah, now that you mention it, I'm starting to feel cold...
Wufei bursts in through the door, cursing and with a hunted look in his eyes. "Take cover! It's a fanfic!!" He then starts running around the small room, looking for safety.
As realization dawns on their faces, pilots 2 and 4 both scramble for cover under the nearest object they can find.
Quatre: Lemme in! I don't wanna be in another 'fic! You know those crazed fans always stick me with Trowa!!
Duo: No, every pilot for himself! I've got the sofa!
Meanwhile, as the two are struggling to cram themselves under the sofa, Wufei manages to leap over the TV in the corner, and curls himself into the tightest ball he can imagine. Quatre, giving up on hiding *under* the sofa, makes a futile effort to swim between the cushions. The sound of a thousand people saying "Watusi" erupts from no-where, and the entire sofa disappears.(I love Douglas Adams' work.) The slight quivering from behind the TV has also stopped.
Duo: Quatre, get OFFA ME! And while you're at it, see if the coast is clear.
Quatre slowly and carefully peeks between the cushions, ready to run or assault the enemy author with his arsenal of pillows. What he sees causes him to leap from his cover, which incidentally gives Duo a mild squeeze to the ribs.(Fear not, Duo fans, I like him too!) He runs over to the table and sits, pouring himself a cup of tea. "It's ok, Duo, there's TEA!"
Duo: Anything else? No authors, no screaming fangirls? What about food? And where did Wu-man go?
Wufei: Duo no baka! It's Wufei, not Wu-man, not Wuffie, and if you ever call me Justice-Boy again, you'll never have a place to keep your lockpicks!!
Duo: Oh, he's over there. I was afraid we were in trouble.
As Duo worms his way out from under the sofa, he looks for the source of Wufei's voice, but can't see him. Strange, he should be able to see him...and where is Quatre and his ever-present tea?
Duo: Uh, guys? I can't see you...AAAAAAAAHH! Not another featureless-white-room-fanfic!!
Unnamed voice: Oh, does that make you uncomfortable??? Here, see if this helps...
The featureless-white-room (A/N: henceforth to be known as the fwr) suddenly turns pitch black, leaving our two pilots to blunder around, hands waving in front of their bodies, cursing every time they stumble. Quatre continues to sit, sipping tea, trying to preserve his sanity by focusing on what matters in life.
Duo: Hey! Turn those lights back on! Ow..kuso!
The unseen lights flare back to life as Duo continues to fall over Wufei, the cause of his sudden lack of balance. Realizing that falling on his face might leave a mark on said face, he rolls with the fall, and gracefully boosts himself back to his feet.
Wufei: MAXWELL, what are you doing!
Duo: I *could* ask the same of you. What are you doing lying on your back?
Wufei: I decided it would be safer if I didn't flail around in total darkness, but you've proven that theory wrong, haven't you?
Unnamed voice: Knock it off! As fun as it is watching you chase Duo around with your katana, I might have a job for the three of you!
Quatre:(hesitantly) What is this job?
Duo: More importantly, who the jigoku are you?
Unnamed voice: Well, if you must know...I am one of the legendary "Knights Who Say Nee!!"
Duo: Yeah, ok, but you still haven't told me your name yet.
Unnamed voice: My name is Phelan, and why aren't you cringing in terror? You obviously know I'm a fanfic author, and therefore the reason you are here is for my own twisted sense of humor.
Wufei: The Braided Baka here does this every time. He will continue to be his usual overbearing self until it is proven to him that the author/authoress is not going to let him get away with anything.
Duo: Oi! I do not!
Phelan: Ah, yes. Now that you mention it, I have seen him act that way before in other fics. I could have fun with that...
Wufei:(under his breath) Oops.
As the three pilots adjust to the fwr, they begin to make each other out in the blinding white. The sofa is still there, cushions scattered about. Quatre is indeed sitting at a table, drinking tea. Wufei is sitting Lotus-style, and Duo is standing next to him, staring up into the "sky". With a sudden thwak, a second huge table appears, sagging in the middle from the incredible weight placed upon it. Duo's eyes bulge, chibi-style, as he gapes at the tons and tons of CANDY on the table. When Wufei realizes what's on the table, his eyes widen with fear.
Duo: MINE!!
Wufei: Oh no, this is NOT what I need. OMAE O KOROSU, Phelan!!
Just then a portal opens, and what must be Heero's voice is heard yelling out "That's MY line, Wufei!" As Duo lunges for the table, Wufei pulls his trusty katana from the all-powerful hammerspace. One lusts for sugar, the other, blood.(A/N: Am I that obvious?) As Wufei prepares to give chase, he pauses and whirls around, expecting this as-yet-unseen author to finally put in his appearance in an honorless rear attack. He's disappointed. The table vanishes, leaving Duo to land on the floor. As Duo lands, a pop is heard, a hole opens up in the ground in front of Wufei, and out pops Phelan. He is plain, 5'9", and in need of a shave and some caffeine.
Wufei: KISAMAAA!!
Phelan: Behind you.
Wufei stands stock still, katana still poised over his head, not sure if turning his back on an unknown author is a good idea. Then again, this one seems so...calm. Without lowering his guard, he peeks over his shoulder to see Duo angrily dusting himself off, without a grain of sugar in his system. Thinking that this author may not be a Wufei-basher, he lowers his katana and starts laughing at Duo's predicament.
Duo: Hey, where'd all the good stuff go?
Phelan: Not 'till you take care of that job I mentioned. Sorry Quatre, same goes for you.
With that, Quatre finds himself merely sitting in a chair, where earlier there had been his tea and table and cup and saucer and so on and so forth. He stood up to protest, and the chair winked out of existance. Knowing that most authors would merely have made him try to sit without a chair, he stifled his reaction.
Phelan: Good, you seem to understand. I'm not going to humiliate any of you unless it is deserved. The reason you are here is because I want you three to pull a prank on Treize and Zechs for me. I don't think I have to explain to you why I need Duo here, but I need Quatre because NO-one would expect it. Wufei gets to be here because he deserves to; there are too many yaoi fics with the three of them. Fair? (ACK!! Alright you hentais, cut it out!)
Duo: Sure! I'm ALWAYS ready for pranks!
Wufei: YES!! Finally, an author who isn't trying to throw me to those two!
Quatre: I don't know, I'm not really the person you should be looking for...
Phelan: Must I convince you? Does summoning all 29 of your sisters for a game of Dress-up sound threatening enough?
Quatre: Eeep!! N-no, I t-think I can help.
Phelan: Thought so. Duo, if you can come up with a truly great prank, you get that table of candy you saw earlier. Don't worry Wufei, you won't be in the same time zone when that happens.
Wufei: THANK YOU thank you thank youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!! But, why are you doing this?
Phelan: I have a bet with some friends. Wait, why am I telling you this? Start cracking, Duo!!
Duo: Well, lets see. If you really want to get them, I suggest a string of pranks, one after another. I'll need some Gundanium-strength superglue, some duct tape, a rubber duckie...
Wufei: What's the duck for?
Duo: For the bath I'm going to take, Wuffie! If I'm gonna be running from those two after *this* series of pranks, I've gotta be as relaxed as possible.
Wufei: I hate to say it, but that makes sense. And don't call me WUFFIE!!!
Quatre pulls Wufei aside as Duo continues giving his lengthy list to the author.
Quatre: You know he's only doing that because you hate it. If you act like you don't care he'll eventually give it up.
Wufei: Yeah, but if I do that, I won't have an excuse to beat the crap out of him whenever I want to.
Quatre: Uhh, ok Wufei. Lets see what Duo's come up with...
They head back, and Duo starts explaining the plan.
------------------------
Meanwhile:
Zechs and Treize are each at the mansion they share. (Knock it off, you hentais!! There's a limit on mansions in my reality, ok?)
Zechs: Why did you have to give me a purple Gundam? Why couldn't I have a grey one!
Treize: There was a mistake on the order form. The people in charge of Gundanium coloring process have been sacked. (You guessed it folks, I love Monty Python's work too!)
Zechs: That may be, but I still have a purple Epyon sitting in the hangar. And you wonder why I still wear this damn mask!!
Treize: Oh, shut up about the mask! It was bad enough when you wore it to hide the fact that Relena is your sister!
Their 'discussion' is interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.
Zechs gets up and answers the door to find Quatre and Wufei standing there, both with sachels slung over their shoulder.
Zechs: Hi guys! Come to start another battle?
Wufei: No, we just wanted to know how things have been. It's been too quiet ever since you tried dropping Libra on Relena.
Quatre: That, and we heard that Treize had made some cookies. We haven't had lunch yet. Is Lady Une here?
Treize:(perking up at the sound of Wufei's voice) Is that Wufei I hear? Zechs, let him in.
Wufei pales a little as he realizes the author's power to leave him in another yaoi fanfic, then remembers nothing truly bad has happened...yet. Just before he enters the mansion, he sees Duo giving him the thumbs-up as the braided one drags a large sachel off to the hangar where Epyon and Tallgeese III are berthed.
They all enter the large and opulent family room. Quatre makes a rather obvious attempt at sniffing the air.
Quatre: What's that, cookies I smell?
Treize: Yeah, I made a batch earlier. Since I'm no longer the head of Oz, I have to find something to occupy my time. So I've been learning how to cook, and Zechs has taken up woodworking. (what have I been drinking? WOODWORKING???) Lady Une is out shopping for ingredients for me.
Zechs: Mmm-hmm! I made that table over there, the one in the corner.
Quatre and Wufei look at a table that is somehow level on the surface, but seems to defy the laws of physics and gravity trying to do so. The edge of a matchbook is seen sticking out from under one leg, steadying the 'table'.
Wufei: Looks...cool. I kinda like it.
As he stares at it, he feels his head starting to hurt. By tilting his head to the left almost as far as it goes, the table starts to make sense, and the pain subsides.
Zechs: Well, it _was_ my first try at it.
Quatre and Wufei: Aaah. I see.
Wufei then goes to his satchel and pulls out several bottles of something that looks strong enough to melt a mobile suit.
Wufei: We wanted to, um, apologize for fighting against you and for being such jerks. So when we found this stash of (Another homage to Douglas Adams!) Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, we thought you might like some. How does a toast sound to you?
Zechs and Treize are both looking at the bottles as if trying to empty the contents into their throats by telepathy.
Zechs: Sure!! Let me get some glasses.
Wufei: No! I'll go get them. Hey Quatre, gimme a hand, will you?
Quatre: Actually I wanted to...
Wufei: Now...
With a sense of urgency and a wink that Zechs and Treize can't see, Quatre accepts and they head into the kitchen. Quatre looks unsure, but Wufei heads to the window and peers out. Seeing Duo running away from the hangar, Wufei unlocks and opens the window, and Duo runs to meet them.
Duo: Whew, just finished. Everything is ready. How are things in there?
Quatre: They were staring at the bottles like they were two men stuck in the desert for years!! What is in those things?
Duo: Just a not-so-harmless drink. Wufei, you _did_ prepare them like I asked, right?
Wufei: Of course, you onna! Now what's next on the list?
Duo: well, one of you has to get Zechs' helmet, and the other has to get into Treize's bathroom. Wufei, have fun with Zechs!
As Wufei starts sputtering, he suddenly looks around the kitchen, and runs towards his target. Snatching up the box of tissues, he starts stuffing them into his nostrils. Duo starts snickering, but just smiles when Wufei whirls on him. Quatre is continuing to look unsure of himself, but manages a weak grin at the sight of Wufei's efforts to prevent the inevitable nosebleed. Upon seeing the look in Wufei's eyes, the grin vanishes and Quatre discovers the pleasure that can be had by staring at the floor. Duo, on the other hand, resumes chuckling, not noticing or caring that his life may be in peril. Before either of the two pilots can begin what is sure to be a grand battle, Phelan appears between them, brandishing a cartoony-overkill gun (think the buster rifle's bigger brother after steroids).
Phelan: Now now, back to work. I don't want to have to, but if you two don't knock it off, I know of a hundred screaming fangirls who'd be *more* than happy to see you two dress in drag and do the hula. Got it?
Faster than a stalking Relena, the two shake each other's hands, knowing full well the power of the dreaded fangirls.
Phelan: Much better. You catch on quick. Quatre, (at the sound of his name, the sandrock pilot twitches as if zapped by a cattle prod) stop gibbering, go sneak into Treize's bathroom, and *don't* forget any part of the plan!
As the three leave the kitchen (Duo by the window, Wufei with the glasses), we see the author double checking the settings on the cattle prod that Quatre had been zapped by, before returning it to Authorspace(tm).
Phelan: Hmm, he shouldn't have jumped that high on the lowest setting...
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The two pilots return to see Treize and Zechs quietly discussing something with their backs to the kitchen entrance. Wufei coughs to announce their return, and both former OZ members fail pathetically at looking innocent.
Zechs:(sounding slightly emberrassed) Um, uh, we were beginning to wonder when you would return, little dragon. I see you managed to find the glasses.
With a nod, Quatre places the glasses on the table, then searches through his pack for the "specially prepared" bottle. Finding it, he begins to pour the contents into each of the glasses, trying not to smirk at the sight of Wufei trying to find a seat that neither Zechs or Treize can share. Wufei finally gives up, sitting at the extreme edge of the sofa. Feeling sympathetic for his poor ally, Quatre manages to grab the spot next to Wufei before the others can slide over. Narrowly avoiding Zechs' lap, (slight trickle of red begins to form under Wufei's nose) Quatre then begins to pass the glasses out. Slipping Wufei a small package, Quatre and Wufei both hurry to down the antidote to the powerful drinks in their hands.
Quatre: Let's have a toast. What shall we toast to, Mr. Treize?
Treize: How about a toast to...possibilities and friendship.
As he says this, Treize not-so-subtly gazes at his little dragon, who notices the look and visibly cringes. Then Wufei sees the same hungry gleam in Zechs' eyes and nearly falls of the edge of the couch. Fortunately he manages to hold on to the drink, after having the author explain beforehand how hard it is to bring strong alcoholic mixtures through cross-overs. (Long story. Don't ask.) The four of them have their toast, and quickly down the contents of their glasses. All four look at each other with satisfaction, after which Zechs reaches for the bottle. While reading the label, his eyes seem to widen, though it *is* hard to tell behind that mask of his.
Zechs: Wow, this is from 178! That was the best year, almost impossible to get! Where and how did you get this! And why am I speaking with all these exclamation marks!?!
Wufei begins to open his mouth, but Quatre interrupts him.
Quatre: Rashid found this man on the L3 colony and almost traded half of the Maganac Corps for a single bottle! I managed to talk him out of it, and we ended up trading our 263rd mansion for two bottles. We used the first bottle to christen Sandrock.
As Zechs listens, he sets the bottle down, turns to face Treize and slumps over, nearly clipping Treize's skull with his mask as both men fall unconsious.
Wufei: Whew, for a second there I was afraid it wouldn't work. I'll take care of Zechs' mask and let Duo in, you go take care of Treize's bathroom.
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They split up, Wufei stopping just long enough to pry the helmet off of the comatose victim. 'Hmm, who would have guessed that he wears this mask to hide his grey roots,' Wufei thought as he reached into his own rucksack. (Outside one of the windows, we see a lone figure running in complete and utter terror from a rampaging horde of Zechs-loving fangirls. One can only feel pity for the poor author Phelan as he rapidly disappears over the horizon. Ahem, don't flame, this *is* meant to be a comedy after all.)
Quatre pokes his head into the bathroom, afraid that Colonel Une (Glasses on!) might be waiting to torture him for what he is about to do. Seeing that no-one is in the enormous and somewhat feminine bathroom, he lets out a breath. Two seconds later, he throws himself back into the corridor, overwhelmed by the power of rose-scented bath oil. Reaching into his pack, Quatre dons a gas mask and heads back in. Wondering where Treize would keep his bathing supplies, he heads over to a large cabinet first.
Quatre: If that smell was that strong, he must have an awful lot of oil. This looks big enough.
Opening the door, he is greeted by the sight of dozens of loofas, sponges, brushes, and other bathing supplies, but no containers of bath oil. A few rather un-Quatre-like words run through his mind, as he wishes the whole ordeal to be over and done with. Closing the door, he turnes around and notices a door in the opposite wall.
Quatre: Does he have an *entire closet* of that stuff?
Heading over to the door, the blonde arabian tries to open it, but it is locked. Glancing down, he lets out a small groan when he recognizes the tell tale pad for a fingerprint scanner. After actually voicing those same bad words he had thought earlier, (Bad Quatre!) he sets off in search of his comrades.
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Having prepared the helmet/mask and placing it next to its owner, Wufei hurried to the back door and let in a grinning Duo.
Duo: Finished with poor Zechs' mask?
Wufei: Of course, you onna! How did everything go in the hangar?
Duo: All set, *Wuffie*! Let me set one last trap and we can go get Quatre. We better hurry though, that drug should only last another fifteen minutes!
Before the chinese pilot can even react to the offense, he is surounded by a wall of Phelan copies, all armed with horrifyingly ugly means of torture. (plushies, pictures of Barney, Sailor Moon, Teletubbies, and worst of all, a life-sized photo of Relena) Curling up into a ball, we hear our almost-fearless pilot cry, "Alright! I won't!" before all the copies vanish into Authorspace(tm). Several seconds later, in the stunned silence, Wufei opens his eyes, looks around, then climbs to his feet to resume his conversation, this time with *some* civility.
Wufei:(whispering, afraid they might come back again) That short? I hope Quatre gets back here soon.
Before Duo can reply, Quatre bursts into the room and explains his problem.
Quatre: I don't know why, but Treize has some kind of fingerprint scanner on a door in his bathroom. I think the bath oil is probably on the other side. C'mon, I need you two to help me carry Treize to his bathroom so we can get open the door!
Duo: Alright, but I'm only carrying his legs. You and Wuffie can lug the rest of him.
Before Wufei can react, Duo suddenly jumps and lets out a yelp. Duo tries to turn and face the cause of his pain, but stops as he realizes that doing so would pull even harder on that famous braid of his. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Phelan standing there with a big grin, a fistful of braid, and a pair of *very* large scissors.
Duo: What gives?
Phelan: Well, it's only fair this way. I stopped Wufei from getting you once, and now I'm stopping you. Problem?
He brings the scissors closer to Duo's precious braid to make his point crystal clear. Duo stammers out a "no" before he gets a trim, and drags the other two Gundam pilots with him the instant his braid is released.
Phelan: Boy, he'll do anything with the proper motivation.
After making sure that no-one but the reader is paying any attention to him, Phelan flexes the rubber 'scissors' before hiding them away in Authorspace(tm). (I hope this keeps all you Duo lovers out there happy, or at least not angry enough to kill me!) With another grin, he vanishes with a puff of smoke and the sound of ten thousand people shouting "Hoo-Haa!"
Having dragged his fellow pranksters into the family room, the still-braided baka begins to pick up Treize, the others joining him and heading off towards the bathroom. Once there, Quatre manages to press the unconscious man's thumb against the pad. With an angry buzz, the door remains locked. With another foul word uttered, (and looks of shock from Duo and Wufei) Quatre moves on to the next finger. After all ten fingers, it is clear that the door won't open.
Duo: What the? Why won't it open? This *is* his bathroom, isn't it?
Wufei: Of course! In all the fanfics, who is the only one who ever prepares for Treize's baths?
Quatre: Um..
Wufei:(Not quite hearing him properly, as he is supporting Treize's torso) Exactly! Lady Une! The door must be keyed to open for her fingerprints.
Duo: Alright, that's no problem. All we need is *her* fingerprints.
Quatre: Duo, didn't Treize say that Une was out shopping? How are we going to get her fingerprint if she isn't even here!
Duo: Don't worry, I should have what I need in my bag!
With that, he drops Treize's legs to the floor, sets his bag on the edge of the *massive* tub and starts rooting around in it. Random items are soon flying through the air, guns, ammo, manga, combs, a stuffed Deathscythe, at least two dozen pineapple grenades, etc. Soon Duo is buried in his bag up to his shoulders, and muffled sounds start filtering through. A trombone, car horn, what must be a whoopie cushion, glass breaking, (followed by Duo saying "whoops, I was wondering where that went") and various other comical noises. Notably absent is the ever-present cat screech. When Duo finally comes up for air, his face is smudged with dirt, but he has a look of triumph plastered on it. Holding up a small wooden block, he passes it to Quatre.
Duo: Try this, just push that end up against the scanner.
Quatre: What is this and where did you...nevermind.
He presses the indicated side up against the lock, and with a staisfied beep, the lock clicks open. After handing the block back to Duo, he begins to open the door. Duo tosses the 'Fingerprint of Une' (Buy yours today! Only $9.95) back into the bag, where we hear a whistling noise slowly grow in pitch and volume, until finally it impacts with the bottom of the small Hammerspace(tm) pocket. The inevitable cat screech is heard. After all that, Wufei, having dumped the still-out-like-a-light Treize, picks up where Quatre left off.
Wufei: How did you manage to get a 'Fingerprint of Une', and why don't you have a 'Fingerprint of Treize'?
Duo: Phelan gave it to me, and he said that it would be enough.
Wufei: Well, why didn't you let us know before we dragged his (pointing at Treize's body) heavy @$$ all the way up here?
Duo: 'Cuz I forgot I had it?
Wufei:(reaching into *his* part of Hammerspace to give Duo a haircut) KISAMAAAA!!
Before either one can bolt, Phelan makes yet another appearance. Sticking one foot out in front of Duo, and pulling out a ridiculously large katana of his own, he stops them both. Duo trips over the aforementioned foot and lands on Treize, (Enough! No Hentai stuff here!) who merely yawns and nearly gets his arm around Duo before it is knocked away by Duo's attempt to stand. In the meantime, seeing his chance, Wufei raises his katana overhead and slashes downward. Phelan merely lets the sword slash down through him(a la DragonBall Z), doing absolutely no harm before the sword buries itself in the floor. A return slash from Phelan and suddenly Wufei abandons his sword while trying to hold up his pants. Quatre sputters before reaching for a conveniently placed box of tissues; Wufei isn't the only one blushing and gushing!
Phelan:(putting the sword away) ENOUGH! Can't you two work together for just one simple task without trying to insult, kill, hurt, maim or otherwise be mean to each other?
Duo and Wufei: No!
Upon hearing this, Phelan simply nods and vanishes. Duo finds himself tied upside-down over a vat of boiling acid, with his braid hanging limply below his head. Wufei is in a straight jacket, which is tied to a chair which is bolted to the floor. In front of him is Nataku, almost completely covered in high explosives, while Phelan stands holding the Heero Self-Detonation Trigger(tm).
Duo and Wufei: OK! We'll be good! Just don't hurt my Brownie/Nataku!
They are both standing next to Quatre, waiting for him to open the door. Wufei has his belt back, completely undamaged. With a light push, the door swings open, revealing...
Wufei and Quatre: Dear God!
Duo: Thank you.
Wufei: Not you.
Duo pouts.
Towering over them is a giant vat labeled: Herbal Essence Rose-scented Bath Oil. Large enough to hide a gundam in, there is a small spigot at the bottom near the door. A ladder stretches up into the darkness.
Duo: Whoa! Better start climbing, Quatre. This *is* your part of the prank.
Shrugging his pack onto his shoulder, Quatre begins climbing. After several minutes, an empty refridgerator-sized bottle crashes to the floor. Eventually, Quatre climbs down into sight and upon reaching the bottom, sits down to catch his breath.
Quatre: It's huge! You have no idea how far up that thing goes!
Duo:(Giving that 'I've-just-pulled-a-great-prank' grin of his) Well, if you're finished, I'd like to get ready for when those two wake up.
Wufei: How much longer?
Duo:(Looking at watch) We've only got another minute or two. Kuso! We need to get those shots of them drunk! We've got to hurry.
Racing out of the storage bunker, the three snatched up Treize and headed back to the family room. Quickly, before Zechs and Treize woke up, Quatre and Duo creatively arranged the sleeping forms (Alright, NOW you hentais can think what you will), while Wufei manned the camera (and tried to hold back the nosebleeds). Before Wufei could finish off the roll of film, the drug wore off and the two men awoke. Blinking and trying to clear their heads, the quickly realized what it looked like they had been doing. Jumping away from each other, they both covered themselves up with whatever was available. Treize snatched a cushion from the sofa, while Zechs dove behind the sofa, grabbing his mask and using it as temporary cover. Laughing like any true maniac would, Duo and Quatre bolted, while Wufei paused long enough to take a final picture and make a rude gesture.
As the three boys ran out the back door, Duo stopped to arm his first trap. Inside, he heard many curses and crashes drawing near. He headed off to the corner of the house, but stopped before rounding it, hefting a video camera to his face and hitting the record button. The back door flew open with a crash, Zechs and Treize half-dressed and bright red. Furious, they looked around before spying Duo. He laughed, pointed upwards, and blew them a kiss.
Of course, they looked up. A 55-gallon drum upended itself over them, drenching them in tar. After a few sputters and many more curses, the chase was back on. Duo disappeared around the corner, and readied his second trap, just in case. He heard the two men stop just before the corner, and then silence.
Treize(Whispering): What are the odds that they've got another trap around that corner?
Zechs(Also whispering): With Duo here, I'd bet my life they'd have a dozen waiting.
Treize(Still whispering): Wait! If we get our Mobile Suits, they won't be able to do anything to us.
Zechs(Yes folks, *still* whispering) Got it. I'll lead.
Both men turned and ran for the hangar. When Zechs kicked in the door, he jumped back, expecting feathers to complete the gag. Nothing happened. Peeking in, he looked up but didn't see anything. In fact, there was nothing to show that anyone had been in the hangar at all.
Zechs(Talking normally): It looks like they weren't expecting us to come here.
After climbing into Epyon and Talgeese III, (with much bitching from Treize because the tar would ruin the new leather seat) they began powering up. The moment the computers came on line, Duo's little surprise kicked in. The hatches sealed shut, and both men were soon cursing in several languages about the mating rituals of mankind as the ventilation systems started spewing feathers, covering them completely and finishing the treatment. Then the main hangar door opened up, spilling sunlight across the features of both mecha. Duo's decorations, hidden by the dark interior, soon would become the laughingstock of the neighborhood. Tallgeese had what appeared to be a giant evening gown over its metallic surface, with a rose painted on its face, clenched in teeth that had also been painted on. Epyon was decked out in a wonderful black tuxedo, and even had a giant top hat perched over the antennae. Both suits stepped out into the open, and soon a beautiful song began blaring out through the external speakers. A tango!!
The second part of Duo's program kicked in, and no matter how Zechs and Treize struggled, they could neither open up the hatch nor stop the actions of their wayward mounts. With a bow from Epyon, Tallgeese executed a curtsey, and the dance began. Duo, who had set up several video cameras before hacking into the mechs, now stepped out into the open and began singing and hamming it up in true Shinigami style. As the music drew to a close, both suits turned to face the audience that had gathered to watch the spectacle, and seemed to shut down. Simultaneously, both hatches swung open and revealed the two victims of one of the greatest pranks ever performed.
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Phelan winked into existance in front of a bank of televisions, a smirk on his face.
Phelan: Well, did you like it?
Voice: Oh, that was the greatest! Give Duo my thanks. The only things missing were a banana peel and the kitchen sink.
Phelan: Well, you can't have everything. What about you, was it really worth it?
Voice #2: The best! I can't believe you managed to pull it off with Quatre there, and especially without a fight from either Duo or Wufei!
Phelan: Then I have won, hm? I *did* agree to do this for a price.
Voice #1: Don't worry, you will get it. A full-sized, complete copy of Deathscythe. That will take some time, but you have my word you will get it. How will we contact you when it is finished?
Phelan: Don't worry, Lady Une, I'll know when it is finished. May I speak with Leutenant Noin for a moment?
Lady Une: Certainly, Phelan. And thank you again. I just hope His Excellency will forgive me after he takes his next bath.
Phelan: I don't know. That dye is quite strong. I warned them not to go *too* far. And that is no longer my concern. Thank you for that impression of your fingerprint, though.
Lady Une(leaving): You are quite welcome.
As she leaves, Phelan turns to face Lucrezia Noin.
Phelan: Now for the second half of our contract.
With a small puff of smoke, Phelan reappears, looking like he has had a full night's sleep and a shave. (For those of you who are fanfic authors, sleep is that thing you do that makes you feel less tired, without the use of caffeine) In fact, with those two changes, he no longer looks anything like a fanfic author.
Noin: I did agree to it. Come here.
Looking like a kid who just got every toy in existance under his Christmas tree, he and Noin share a brief hug, and both plant a kiss on each other's cheek.(1) Noin then pulls out a photo of herself that she autographs before handing to Phelan.
Noin: I hope you write fics more often. So far, you're the only one who didn't let things go completely to hell.
Phelan: Perhaps in the future. I must be going.
With that, he vanishes into thick air, which we all know contains far more places to vanish into than thin air.
END
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As both befeathered bishonen (say that three times fast!) stumble out of the public's eye, we see Zechs trying, and failing miserably, to pry his mask off. (So that's what Duo wanted the Gundanium-strength superglue for!) We again watch Phelan trying to escape the countless numbers of fans who have been offended in this fic. He books it past a nearby camera, pausing long enough to rattle off some apologies, hopes that people will review, and then takes a bow. The enraged crowd of Treize- and Zechs-lovers go flying through the space he has just vacated, and with a final wave, the camera is turned off.
Back in the cubicle farm from whence this fic came, the lone figure continues his hideous cackling. A head suddenly appears over one of the walls of this cubicle, and a boss is heard, "Stop writing that $%^* fic and get back to work!" The evil laughter stops abruptly, the desk light comes back on, and I save my work, hoping to publish it before the end of my shift.
Enjoy!
(1) I have lived in Italy for a few years, I'm part Italian, and yes, that is a traditional greeting/farewell over there! (the bio on Noin says she is from that area) Besides, I'm a major fan of Lucrezia Noin, and I'm the author, dammit!