I want to thank everyone for reading and being patient with me on "Oceans." I have not stopped writing it and will be updating tomorrow as long as I can work out this writers block I have at the moment. However, after rewatching the first few episodes of the Lewis storyline this came to me and I went ahead and put it down before I lost it. This will only be a one-shot and I do not own SVU. Please review!
Tick. Tick.
"Where is the bleach? I need to clean the bathroom." She thought to herself as she rummaged through her cabinets. As she moved through each she pulled everything out and lined them on the floor. First by type, then by height. As she did she noticed she had not cleaned these cabinets. Yet.
Tick. Tick.
The sounds of a scrub brush on tile filled the apartment and the mixed smell of cleaners overtook the Scentcy she had plugged in earlier in the day. She had scrubbed the bathroom, again, and had since moved to the kitchen. As she pulled out the pots and pans she neatly lined them up the same way as the cleaners. She neatly placed along an invisible line on the kitchen floor.
Tick. Tick.
The moonlight crossed the living room as she stood in the kitchen. It had taken her longer than she expected to put the pots, pans, dishes, and cleaners away and she could feel the late night moon creep into the room. As she looked to the living room she saw the copper colored stains. The remains of a night she will never forget. The remains of what would stop her in her tracks when she least expected it to. It was the one part of the apartment she had yet to touch with any cleaners and she doubted she ever will.
Tick. Tick.
She sat on the couch staring out into the room. She had moved the couch against the far wall giving her a full view of the apartment. It was easier this way. She could see the windows, the door, the darkness. She could see if something moved in the night and if someone were to appear. She would keep her back to the wall and sit where she could see her surroundings fully. Even in the other rooms she would sit this way or lay in bed this way.
Tick. Tick.
Silence. The eerie, darkness that encompasses the room. She was used to the bubbly, hectic crowds of New York but it was the silence that got to her. She felt the silence in her bones as she sat in the dimly lit apartment. She could only hear the faint tick of the clock on the shelf and her own scattered breathing.
Tick. Tick.
Time. Time stood still in these hours of the day. The only quiet moments in the city. These are the hours where a calmness washes over the city even on the worst of the days. The time between midnight and dawn. She called it the "calm before the storm" and found herself looking out the window at the city around her listening to the clock. It was the one solace she had in the endless nightmare she was living. She knew that no matter what happened, no matter who was behind a door, or who was in the shadows of the night time would still go on and the days would still pass. She had learned to listen for the gentle noises of the clocks around her whether it be at home, the station, or out and about. The chirps, ticks, dings, and bells helped calm her and helped ground her to the specific moment she was in at that moment.
Tick. Tick.
Sleep. She didn't even know when or where the last time or place she slept was. She knew she passed out and she knew she was drugged and forced into exhaustive moments but she did not classify that as sleep. She remembered staying with Brian and she remembered dozing off only to jolt awake moments later dripping wet and fighting panic attacks. She hadn't had more than 15-20 minutes at a time since.
Tick. Tick.
Brian. He was there for her after Lewis and she knew he meant well with how he treated her and how he looked after her but she needed more. They fell apart after Lewis had her and it was neither of their fault. Both needed the other but neither could give what they actually needed. He tried to be a support for her and help her through but he also danced around her like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He wanted his girlfriend and the NYPD detective he knew and that girl, woman, was hidden. In the end she was one the one to end it even though she was scared to be alone and scared of the "what ifs" but she knew he wouldn't end it with her and she knew they were both miserable. She still thought of him as a friend but knew it would be a while before they were on the same page again, friends or not.
Tick. Tick.
SVU. It was her life, her blood, her soul. Cragen had sent her home more times than he should have and the rest of the unit was trying to be easy on her. She knew Amanda blamed herself for dragging Lewis into their lives and she knew Finn was beating himself up everyday for not saving her and not protecting her. Munch had at least kept the one-liners and conspiracy theories coming even after everything happened. Nick had been there for her the best he could but she knew he had a lot going on as well. She knew he still saw the blood and the burns at times and she knew he will never get the picture out of his head when he broke through the door and rescued her.
Tick. Tick.
Elliot. She did not know why he was the one she thought about when she was with Lewis. She only knew that she hated him at this moment. 12 years they were partners and shared so much with each other only for him to turn his back on everyone and then never show again. She could not and would not believe that the Elliot she she knew, she trusted, would abandon her at that time. She did not know if anyone called him and she did not know if he even knew that she was missing but what she did know is that he knew that something had to be wrong. Even to this day she would get that gut feeling every once in awhile and often wondered if she would reach out but never did. She was angry at him for not knowing, for not caring, and for not coming not just during the ordeal but also afterwards when she was left to be alone.
Tick. Tick.
Barba. She had learned to like the DA who she initially hated and though he was too much of an asshole to work SVU cases. However, he was the only one who did not dance around her and did not look at her like she was a glass doll ready to fall and break. They had become friends over the year or two and had to admit she felt his presence calming lately. She sensed he could tell she was still uneasy or on edge and had a way to pull everyone's eyes off her and onto him with his assholeness or egotistical remarks. Even though she found him to be a dear friend she was also angry with him. She was angry that he didn't get Lewis locked up initially. She was angry that his prosecution did not match up to his reputation, even if he did his best. She was angry that he had kept his distance and had not stopped being Barba, even though she was also glad about it.
Tick. Tick.
She did not know know how long she had sat on the couch looking into the room or even when she realized she was sitting with her back far into the corner of the couch. However, she did know how many minutes she had been in the living room since leaving the kitchen, 172. She knew how many sirens she heard so far that night on the street below, 6. How many visual sweeps of the room she did, 114. She also knew this would be another night of 5 or 10 minute quick nods followed by coffee to function. She knew how many cups of coffee she would drink later that morning, 12. Although, most were to be consumed even before she would arrive to the precinct as to not alarm anyone to her sleep patterns, even if the makeup wasn't hiding it anymore.
Tick. Tick.
A knock at the door startled her and put her in a panic induced craze. She swept the apartment twice and checked the windows planning an escape route if needed. She had her personal weapon on her calf and her duty weapon gripped in her hand as she peered into the peephole. As she did she tensed up while also relaxing for a moment. It took her longer to open the door than she meant to. She had added more locks since being home and had to calm her breathing before she could open the door to the familiar face.
Tick. Tick.
Cragen. Her Captain, her mentor, her guidance, and even the only father figure she will ever know. She relaxed when seeing his face in the peephole but she also became very tense. If he was here at this hour she knew something was wrong. Was it Lewis? No. She knew it wasn't about Lewis. He was dead. She was there when he pulled the trigger. "Cap, umm what are you doing here? It's 3am." She asked as she opened the door slightly and after seeing he was alone she opened it more for hi to enter. "Olivia. I know. We all know. I am worried about you." He stated not even having a welcoming speech. "Captain, I am fine." Olivia said before getting cut off. "No you are not. Olivia you are in the same clothes you wore two days ago to work, you haven't been sleeping, and don't try to tell me you have eaten anything either." He stated as he looked around the spotless apartment and caught sight of the stained carpet. "Damn. I should have made sure they replaced the carpets." He stated to her. "Cap, I am fine really. I just have been busy." She stated and he gave her a knowing look. "Fine I was cleaning. It keeps my mind occupied and I have slept.. some.. a little okay? I just.." "You don't have to explain yourself Olivia. I know you too well." He said with a smile. "So why are you here?" She asked as she wrapped her arms around herself. "The unit has been duly assigned and will be covering SVU cases and another assignment for the time being." He stated. "Okay. Do you need me to meet them somewhere? What's the issue? Is it another undercover ops?" She asked as she moved to get her things. He put a hand on hers not wanting to touch her anywhere else or startle her. "No Olivia. It's a bit more personal than that. We uhh.. We are assigned to you. Under my orders and 1PPs approval." "Me? What for?!" She stated as she felt herself get upset. "Olivia we are here for you. We are here to help. We are here to give you peace and security. To allow you to give in to the exhaustion and grief and for you to allow yourself time to heal. We will be rotating with you at night and on days off so you are not alone up here until you are comfortable here, or anywhere, again." "Cap -" "Olivia we are here so you don't have to sit with your back so pressed into a corner you have become the wall. Let us take that burden and you start with taking a shower and trying to rest?" He asked and she knew better to try to change his mind. "Okay.. Who is first? When does this babysitter start?" She asked. "Right now. Do you really think I would be out of bed at this hour for just anyone?" He asked as they both shared a smile. "Go take a shower and try to sleep. I don't care if you leave every door open and every light on but I do want you to try to do both okay? I will be out here on this couch that looks unevenly worn into the corner catching up on my book and paperwork." He said with a hint of amusement in his eyes.
Tick. Tick.
She had thanked him before going into the bathroom. It took longer than she wanted to admit before she was actually in the shower and he was right about her not being able to close the doors and she was grateful he could not see into the room or bathroom from where he sat. As she sat on her bed she instinctively went to the spot she had been at recently and she had to force herself to stretch out into the remaining bed. As she did her muscles thanked her and she laid there trying to force more than 10 minutes of sleep.
Tick. Tick.
She awoke and saw a light on in the living room and heard Cragen talking quietly out loud as he walked himself through his Sudoku puzzle.
Tick. Tick.
The change in voices jolted her awake once again as the familiar panic set into her chest before she heard Finn talking with Cragen about the latest baseball game. As she looked at the window she saw the sun peaking over the horizon and listened to the familiar sound of the clock to calm her while she smiled at the argument the men in the other room were having about the best players in the league.
Tick. Tick.
Tick. Tick.
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Tick.
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Tick.
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