What Really Happened On the Second Death Star!!
Luke stared at the withered old man before him in anger... (I must keep my anger under control...) he thought to himself for what seemed like the thousandth time.
They were orbiting the moon of Endor and Luke was being forced to watch his friends fight a hopeless battle. Luke looked to his two captors. One- in head to toe black armor attached to machines, and breathing like he'd smoked one too many packs of unfiltereds- was his estranged father. He mentally kicked Obi-Wan in the shins for that little gem. His snarky, and self-righteous explanation about "A certain point of view" was not appreciated either. Luke looked up, as he was pulled from his reverie by the raspy voice of his other captor.
"No my young Jedi..." The Emperor hissed from his throne aboard the Second Death Star. Luke could barely focus on the words, distracted as he was by the Emperor's black teeth, and shriveled body Yeesh. All the power in the Galaxy, and he can't invest in a good Dental plan? The Emperor continued his speech ignorant of our hero's rebellious thoughts.
"...It is you who is mistaken, about a great many things... Like fore one... I used to be a woman," Palpatine hissed. THAT snapped Luke out of his mindless drifting. He stared up at the Emperor in horror and disgust.
"WHAT?"
" Yes, It's not common knowledge, but I used to be..." He trailed off aware that he'd just given away more than he'd ever planned. Was this some interrogation technique Obi-Wan had imparted to the young Jedi? He would not be so easily fooled "No. I will not submit so easily to your pathetic Jedi tricks. " He snarled at the traumatized boy. Luke shook his head trying desperately to dislodge the disturbing visual that revelation had come with
" I'm really not surprised, I just said 'WHAT' for dramatic effect" Luke shrugged. Sarcasm was much easier than this melodrama "No, I can really see it, I mean, you're moody, and surround yourself with men, and there haven't been any televised sports for decades. I only wonder why we didn't see it sooner." He finished with another shrug. He looked at his father who seemed to be inching away from the creepy old man on the throne. Was it possible for a masked man to look embarrassed?
The Emperor was taken aback by the cool wit Luke displayed. Even Vader couldn't have played that one off as well, despite the fact that the voice modulator made his voice sound infinitely more hip, Vader's reaction seemed to be ' When all else fails- whine about it' besides, the boy was much more aesthetically pleasing. Vader was after all about as attractive as a toaster oven. Luke would make a nice replacement for the aging semi-mechanical Sith. Pleased by his own mental alliteration he smiled at Luke and decided to continue with what he considered a subtle attempt to win him over to the dark side.
"Yes, my young Jedi, you will serve nicely in your Father's place. Now, you will come sit by me."
Luke opened his mouth to say something more but stopped and blinked in confusion at the Emperor. "Excuse me?"
"You will take your father's place at my side..." Palpatine reiterated Play it cool Palp, can't seem to eager, can we? He mentally berated himself. Luke looked over at Vader, then back at the Emperor. His face twisted in disgust.
"You're nuts! And sick... NO!" Luke screamed backing away slowly.
"My son... you do not know the power of the dark side..." Vader began, beckoning Luke to stop.
"Screw the power of the dark side. It's bad enough that I've been frenched by my sister, but now you think I'm going to put myself in the hands of Emperor she-male?" Luke scoffed, fighting the urge to retch.
"A sister... yes..."
"Shit" Luke slapped his forehead with the heel of his mechanical hand... "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."
Luke stopped hitting himself in the head as the world began to spin
Vader shook his head, politely pretending to have missed his son's blonde moment. "So, you have a twin sister."
"No, father, I, uh, forget it, I....I lied. I was talking about Aunt Beru. She was drinking one night and…uh…it was a whole big thing" Luke finished lamely Note to self- learn how to lie he noted to himself. He seemed to recall Han being rather talented in that department. Why, no Leia, that double bun hairstyle doesn't make you look like a bad anime reject.
"No- no I heard you, Your feelings have now betrayed your sister, too. If you will not turn to the dark side, then perhaps she will." Luke cocked his head to the side in contemplation of the thought.
"Hmm, maybe, though not if you kill her on the forest moo- I mean NEVER!!!!!" Luke rushed Vader, realizing violence was the only way to shut himself up. He, it seemed, was the WORST interrogation subject ever, Luke slashed angrily at Vader, pushing him back. This was not going at all according to plan. Maybe it was a tad naïve, but he thought if he could just spend some TIME with his father, there would be some paternal instinct, or- hell he didn't know, what did he know about parental relationships. But instead he was swinging a lightsaber at his father (not the best way to foster fatherly affection, while the Emperor giggled like a drunken schoolgirl. He tried to tune out the Emperor's evil cackles, but they were just too annoying. As the laugh sunk deeper into his mind, he lost track of what he was doing. Apparently Vader was also distracted by the emperor's maniacal mirth and zigged when he should have zagged. With a loud hiss the green blade slashed through his mechanical right hand.
Luke backed up apologizing- he really hadn't meant to hurt his father, but the Emperor had a way of annoying him to the point of violence. He stopped as he noticed his father's injury for the first time. He flexed his own mechanical right hand. "Okay, that's just weird..." Luke said pointing to the sparking mechanics of his father's hand.
"The Emperor did this when I failed to bring you to him wrapped up in a red ribbon," Vader said sadly. Luke couldn't help chuckling to himself.
"Ironic, isn't it?" He stopped as the Emperor walked up behind them, still chuckling to himself.
"Okay, now back off, wrinkles!" Luke said panicking.
"Very good, my young apprentice. Now come here, and give your master a hug." The Emperor simpered as he shuffled forward. Luke nearly tripped in his effort to back away.
"Uh... help... DAD?! "He whimpered. But Vader was busy trying to reattach his hand
"Freaking thing!" he muttered" Luke pointed a gloved finger at the emperor
"Get back! I... I... uh, have a cold! Yeah! Get back, or I swear to god I'll sneeze on you!!!" The Emperor backed up, looking shocked. He shot Vader a betrayed look. Everyone knew ALL prisoners were to be disinfected before being brought before him. The Emperor retreated further unwillingly imagining the invisible bacteria crawling all over everything. It would take all day to sterilize the throne room! First things first though. Neutralize the threat. He felt the lightning building inside him.
So be it…Jedi" he hissed. Blue lightning laced out of his fingers into be boy before him. Luke fell to the ground screaming shrilly. The Emperor continued to fry him, chuckling to himself at the smoke wafting from Luke's prone form. What temperature killed germs again? 120 degrees he thought. Better keep going just to be sure. "You have paid the price for your lack of hygiene" He growled. No apprentice of HIS would allow himself to become contaminated. Likely he wouldn't have turned anyway. Besides, one whiney Skywalker was enough for any Dark Lord of the Sith. "And now young Skywalker- you will die"
Vader glanced up as the blue lightening enveloped Luke. He watched for a couple of minutes as Luke writhed on the floor. Weighing his loyalty to the Dark Side against his only remaining link to his late wife, he began to get angry. The Emperor had lied to him about Padme. Thinking hard about what he could do to save his son. He glanced up at the Emperor who had a neurotic grin plastered on his face.
"Oh will you shut UP!" Vader said chucking his hand at the Emperor. The mechanical hand hit the Emperor in the face and he stumbled backwards in surprise. He tripped on the hem of his oversized and dirty black robe and fell over the railing.
Vader stood up and helped Luke to his feet. They walked over to the railing where the Emperor had fallen.
"When we re-tell this later, I picked him up and chucked him over the side in a manly fashion, okay?" Vader said. Out of nowhere a grizzled hand shot up from the ledge of the cat walk and wrapped itself around Vader's ankle. The Emperor sent blue electricity into Vader.
"I'll kill you!" he cried. Luke kicked at the Emperor while Vader tried to free his leg. Luke finally landed a good kick to the Emperor's head and the old man fell, howling all the way down.
"Ouch" Luke said as the Emperor struck an outcropping in the shaft, then continued down " He's gonna feel that in the morning." The Emperor's corpse combusted then, spraying evil blue energy everywhere.
"No, I don't think so" Vader replied simply. "Come on, Son, I'll buy you a drink to celebrate, then I'll reveal to you the location of every Jedi relic we confiscated during our reign of terror"
"Sounds like a plan!" Luke beamed excitedly "This is going to be great! I really think we're going to have a long close relationship! And you can apologize to Leia for using her home planet as target practice." The two strode arm-in-arm toward the shuttle, when a feral-looking redhead flew into their paths shrieking something about the Emperor's hand. Vader pointed unapologetically to the shaft behind him.
"Sorry, lady, it blew up with him." She ran off screaming vows of revenge. Luke sighed, and vowed silently never to get close to someone like that
"Freaky fanatics" just then, a series of explosions rocked the death star. One of only two or so light fixtures in the room fell from the ceiling, one bracket impaling Vader through a weak point in his armor.
"Father... Nooooooo....." Luke cried, lowering Vader gently to the floor. "It's... impossible..."
"Luke..." Vader gasped. "Help me take this mask off."
"But... but... you'll die!" Luke cried.
"Please... I just want to see you without the really dark tint..." Luke nodded and helped Vader take off the mask.
"It's not fair..." Luke said through a sob. Anakin raised an eyebrow at Luke and coughed.
"Luke..."
"Yes..." Luke choked through another sob.
"Please... my son..."
"Yes?"
"Stop... whining..." Anakin gushed with his last breath. Luke stared down at Vader as if he hadn't heard his father correctly. The Death Star rocked again and Luke shrugged the remark away. He pulled Anakin to the hangar and into the Lambda class shuttle they had arrived on and piloted them away from the exploding Death Star.
Once a safe distance from the fiery blob, Luke spun around to check on Vader. All he found were the useless remains of his suit. Luke looked crestfallen, then, as a thought occurred to him, he shuddered.
"He's running around somewhere naked....gross. Oh, no, that's right, Jedi vanish when they die, unless you're the emperor, then you bounce off a weather vane, hit the power coil, and explode." He landed the shuttle, and leapt out running into the fray of cheering people. He quickly found his sister, and told her the story embellishing a little. Hey, who ever said a Jedi couldn't exaggerate a little, right.
The celebration lasted into the night, and well beyond, as pilots, and crew landed on the forest moon.
As Luke looked beyond the magical celebration, beyond the bonfires, his thoughts drifted to his possible future and to the long war ahead. He was suprised to see the ghost of his father just beyond the edges of the party. He was joined by Obi-Wan, and Yoda. He met their proud gazes with a smile of his own. And as he turned back to the party, he made himself a solemn oath never to drop acid again.