Random and slightly pointless introduction: Okay, so, the bold and italics stuff, they aren't in the story at all. Actually, all the chapters are based off songs. This one is "Leave Out All the Rest" by Linkin Park. The bold and italics parts are those lyrics. It's going to be the same thing every chapter. Why? Because I feel like it, that's why. Also, the italics, if you didn't understand that, are what Cartman writes.
And I think I was a bit emo when I wrote this. I don't know. I felt like writing something depressing.
Warning: The reason this is rated "teen" is because of the swearing and the suicide and stuff. Nothing too bad, but if you don't like swearing and suicide, then don't read this.
ANYWAY, if you're awesome, please review. This is my first story, so try not to kill me, okay?
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I dreamed I was missing...
I slammed the door to my room. I wasn't mad or anything, I always slam doors. I fell backwards onto my bed and sighed. I heard a soft meow and then Mr. Kitty jumped onto my stomach, purring loudly. It's really a miracle that cat can jump at all, she's so old.
You were so scared...
"Hi, kitty..." I murmured as I pet her back. She might be the only living thing that would truly miss me if I went anywhere.
But no one would listen...
The group I hung out with at school had broken into distinct pairs after middle school. Kyle and Stan, of course, anyone could see that. Then Clyde and Craig, also predictable. Timmy and Jimmy were best friends. Then there was Kenny and Tweek, for some reason. No one had even realized that they had gotten close. Token and Butters were also a bit of a weird pair, but they got along perfectly. And then Damien and Pip. Who knows how the hell THAT happened, but it did.
'Cause no one else cared...
Not me, though. I was the "odd one out." I didn't get a best friend. I guess I brought it upon myself, but still... Who doesn't want someone to tell all their secrets to, to be trusted by, and all the rest of the things that define a best friend? I never told anyone that I would've liked a best friend. They didn't need to know. I was supposed to be a loner. I wasn't supposed to give a shit about anyone but myself. God, my friends don't know me at all.
After my dreaming...
Kenny used to be my best friend. But then... who knows what happened. I was never nice to him, ever. I never TOLD him I thought of him as my best friend, except once, and then I proceeded to be an asshole. So he obviously didn't want to be my best friend. Besides, Kenny has always liked having people depend on him and Tweek needed someone. Badly. Him and his paranoia.
I woke with this fear...
I sigh and turn to the clock. Time for school. I picked the cat of my stomach and got up slowly to walk to the bus-stop.
What am I leaving...
I went over to my place next to the sign in silence. Of course, no one noticed, since they were all having too much fun.
When I'm done here?
Butters could've been my best friend, if I hadn't been such an ass to him. He tolerated me and stood by me for a really long time. But then he got sick of it and went to Token, who was sick of being left out by Craig and Clyde.
So if you're asking me I want you to know...
Kenny stole Pip's backpack and threw it to Craig. Craig caught it quickly and threw it to Stan, who sighed, and let it fall in the snow. Kenny frowned with Craig. He and Craig are really almost exactly the same. They could've been best friends. I guess they are good friends. Like, if Tweek and Clyde were out of school, Kenny and Craig would hang out.
When my time comes...
Pip chuckled as Kenny went and got his backpack again. Pip had changed a lot since elementary school. If it had been back then, he would have nervously said with his thick British accent, "Oh, could you please return my backpack to me, I will need it."
Forget the wrong that I've done...
Kenny threw the backpack to Token, who caught it and threw it to Damien. Damien was leaning against a tree and wasn't paying attention. So he was caught off guard and burned to backpack to a crisp. Everyone was quiet for a second, looking at the pile of ashes in shock.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed...
"The son of the devil burned my homework. That's a new excuse," Pip said calmly, looking at the gray dust. Damien looked at it for a moment and just continued to lean against the tree. He didn't apologize, he never did.
And don't resent me...
Kenny and Craig laughed and went back to messing around. Kenny was jumping out at Tweek a lot, then laughing when Tweek screamed. Craig was talking and talking to Clyde, and stealing Clyde's stuff.
And when you're feeling empty...
I just stood there. By myself. As usual. Kyle looked at me briefly and flipped his long, red curls back. "Hey, Jew," I muttered.
Keep me in your memory...
He looked at me again, he could tell I wasn't happy. But he didn't give it a second thought, figuring it was something stupid. "Hey, fatass." He turned away and kept talking to Stan about their new girlfriends and other meaningless topics.
Leave out all the rest...
I'm not actually fat any more. I work out a lot now. I'm big, but it's all muscle. No one felt a need to find me a new nickname, so we stuck with fatass.
Leave out all the rest.
The bus pulled up. Finally. About time. I didn't want to keep on watching the Christmas-movie happiness of all my so-called friends without being a part of it. It was like I was disconnected.
Don't be afraid...
I took my seat on the bus. Window seat, four rows back, on the left. Of course, no one sat next to me. I didn't hope for it anymore, it was pointless anyway.
I've taken my beating...
And she had to take this moment to come on the bus. She was at Bebe's stop. That happened sometimes, since they were best friends. But I just wish it wasn't today. Not today.
I've shed, but I'm me.
Wendy passed by and sat behind Stan and Kyle with Bebe. Her long, shining black hair swished as she sat down and put her hands over Stan's eyes.
I'm strong on the surface...
"Guess who..." she purred softly.
"Um, the girl I'm secretly seeing behind Wendy's back?" Stan joked.
Wendy slapped him playfully and kissed his cheek. "Oh, shut up."
Not all the way through...
Then we were at South Park High. I was the first off the bus. And the rest of the day dragged on. I kept up my uncaring, hateful image, while trying to feign happiness. I didn't do it to impress anyone anymore. Now I just did it to avoid upsetting the little balance the group had. Then the last bell rang. Finally.
I've never been perfect...
I didn't bother getting on the bus, I wasn't heading home. My mom wouldn't mind. Or care. Or even notice. I'm sure she's sleeping with some random guy right now. The dirty slut.
But neither have you...
I walked in the pharmacy store. Some guy that worked there came up to me and asked me what I wanted, and if I needed any help, blah blah blah.
So if you're asking me I want you to know...
"I want sleeping pills," I said very bluntly.
When my time comes...
I poured out all the small pills on my desk and hesitated before swallowing them. I knew what I wanted to do. I wasn't having doubts. I just figured I should probably... write to everyone, to tell them one last thing before... You know.
Forget the wrong that I've done...
I took out a piece of paper and fumbled through my desk before finding a black pen. I sighed and closed my eyes and my hand trembled a little.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed...
Hey, almost everyone that knows me,
And don't resent me...
I'm not entirely sure what to write. Anyway, this little note here, you're going to find it next to my dead body. That's right, Eric Cartman committed suicide.
And when you're feeling empty...
And every one of you is at fault. Not everyone, exactly. I guess I'll just write each person that caused this to happen one little note. Ok. Here goes:
Keep me in your memory...
Mom. Yeah, you're one of those that drove me to this. You never cared at all, did you? You just knocked some random girl up and then got stuck with me, right? Why couldn't you have let her take custody, if she wanted it? I don't care if it was Kyle's bitch of a mom, it would've been better than you! Do you know why? Because Kyle's mom didn't miss our elementary and middle school graduations, even though they were pointless and stupid. She took pictures. Even Kenny's parents, who are alcoholics and hardly knew what grade he was in, came. But you were off screwing everything that stayed still long enough. You didn't really care about me. You felt obligated to fake it. So, bye, mom. I just wonder if you'll miss me.
Leave out all the rest...
Stan. Okay, you pussy. So I might not have been the greatest friend. Or a good friend at all. But do you remember that one time we hung out without Kyle or Kenny? I think there might've only been one time. We took some random boat and drove it around until you- at least, I think it was you- crashed it. I felt fine not telling anyone and letting Global Warming take the blame. You, on the other hand, were overrun with guilt. Back to the point. We actually did have a memory- if only one- together. And Stan, I know I never took the time to tell you this but... You were one of my three best friends. And I sincerely liked you as one. You, of course, haven't realized that you haven't actually spoken a word to me since freshman year. But I realize that. And I hope to GOD you regret that. Because it made me realize that for all the times you said you hated me, you finally just didn't care. And that hurt more than you saying "Fuck off, fatass." Oh, one last thing, Stan. I'm in love with your girlfriend. More than you'll ever be. You two are just together for images. And I wish you could've noticed that it ate at me from the inside whenever I saw you guys kiss. Not that you would care, of course.
Leave out all the rest.
Kyle. Oh, God, Kyle, why do I even have to tell you why you drove me to this? You started the fat jokes, you made fun of my mom first, you were the first to hate me, you were the first to say you hated me. Even though it's been a while wince we've had one of those fights, still. I was already and unstable kid and you shot down my ego, whether you noticed or not. Oh, and this morning when I said hi to you and you said hi back, you knew something was wrong with me. But you brushed it away, right? Like it didn't matter more than whatever shit you and Stan were rambling on about? Well, think about this: if you had asked me what was wrong, I wouldn't have lied. I would've said, "I'm just thinking about how this is my last morning ever, since I'm committing suicide tonight." You might not have taken it seriously, but who knows? I might be alive. And same thing to you as what I told Stan. I did actually sincerely like you. Despite all the times I said I hated you.
Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well...
Kenny. Ah, Kenny. Remember when you were in the hospital, that one time, about to die? I doubt you remember what I said. But I do. I said: "You know, it's funny Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always sort of been two best friends, you know, and... Well, I don't know if I ever told you this Kenny, but, um... I kinda always thought you were my best friend..." You then told me that I was your best friend, too. After that, neither of us ever mentioned anything about being best friends, but... I still thought of you like mine. Don't get me wrong, Kenny, I'm not at all mad that you stopped hanging out with me. I would've ditched you, too, if you were as bad of a friend as I am- or was. But, Kenny, it still hurt and I still wish you hadn't left. Then it might be Tweek who's the odd one out. Call me selfish, but I would've liked that better. So, I guess it wasn't really you that caused me to kill myself. It was the absence of your friendship.
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself...
Butters. A lot of what I just told Kenny applies to you, too. For some reason, you stuck by me a lot in elementary school and middle school. When I thought I was dead because everyone ignored me, you were the only one that talked to me. But then again, you weren't there when they decided to ignore me. But still. I think we got kind of close then. Or at least I like to think that. And when Kenny was gone for a long time, you replaced him for a while. Meaning you replaced him as my best friend. I, of course, being me, never told you this. Right now I can only remember one time you lost your temper with me. The teacher had told us to stay in that stupid pioneer place, and the teacher told you not to let go of my hand. I practically dragged you into that arcade place. You got really mad at me, that I remember. Then we fired you as our friend. So we didn't really ever get to become very close. And I regret that a lot, actually. I think we could've made good friends to each other.
I can't be who you are...
Tweek and Token. I hate you both. More than you know. Passionately, actually. I'm thinking about it right now, and I just realized that I hate you two more than anyone. Don't take it personally, guys, it's all jealousy. And it's not like you guys don't hate me right back. But know this: you took my two chances at having true friends. I guess I should take more blame. It is mostly my fault. But still. Tweek, Token, you two would've made good best friends, so why didn't you just leave Kenny and Butters? Maybe I'd be alive. Just because someone in this goddamn fucking stupid world would've cared.
When my time comes...
Clyde and Craig, plus Damien and Pip, and Timmy and Jimmy. I know I sound like an asshole when I say this, but... The reason you have anything to do with my death is because of you're goddamn happiness. Honestly. Did you guys ever get in fights? Did someone ever break your heart? Do your parents care about you? Your lives were all just too damn simple! You guys are all naïve and carefree, something I never got to be. I may not be poor like Kenny, and I know it always seems like I get everything I want, but my life is way more complicated than that. My mom got me everything I asked for, but she didn't care. I'm not poor at all, but money doesn't buy happiness. And I'm not failing school, but school is pointless anyway. You six, just live your lives in your stupid, goddam giddy laughter at stupid jokes you won't remember in a week. Just stop to think every once in a while, you fucking idiots. God.
Forget the wrong that I've done...
Wendy. Wendy... You kissed me once. And I never stopped feeling that sweet sensation on my lips after that. I just want you to know this: I love you twice as much as Stan ever did or ever will. Wendy, you're beautiful. You have that grace when you walk, you walk like you have a purpose. I saw you almost every day since you told me you had no feelings for me. And every single second I looked at you, all I felt was raw, painful love and pure agony. But I couldn't look away. You fascinate me, Wendy. And I only wish that I could've kissed you one more time. Because, although that kiss you gave me when we were kids lasted about 20 seconds, it was the best moment of my life. And I've wanted to relive it since it happened. I love you, Wendy. I wish you loved me back.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed...
Now, is there anything left for me to say? I don't really think so, but this feels a little too short to be a suicide letter, don't you guys think?
Don't resent me...
It's sad, really, to think that I'm here, writing this letter, pouring my heart out, about to commit suicide. Yet all of you will probably care for half a second and they say, "Wait a second- this is Cartman we're feeling bad for" and then you'll just get on with your lives. I wish I could've left a bigger mark before this. But I already bought the sleeping pills and wrote a really goddamn long letter, so I don't feel like delaying this more than I already have.
And when you're feeling empty...
Do any of you know how long I've been thinking about suicide? Probably not, no one ever noticed. I like to think I'm a good actor, but maybe it's just that no one payed enough attention to realize it. I've been thinking about suicide for about two years. Sad, right? Days and days went by in blurs, and I was just miserable.
Keep me in your memory...
You know, I woke up this morning, and I thought for a second. "That's it. I'm done with this, I'm done here. There's nothing left for me, I might as well go."
Leave out all the rest...
For about a second, I thought about running away instead of dying. But then I realized it would be too easy to force me to come back, and that would mean I wasn't really escaping at all, right? Of course, I was probably being a little full of myself. After all, who would go looking for Eric Cartman anyway?
Leave out all the rest...
I'm not going to ask any of you to suddenly and magically like me or anything. I just really, really hope I can leave enough of a mark on your lives so that you don't forget me.
Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well...
Damn, that thought makes me so depressed. Not only was I hated, ignored, fought with, and a bunch of other things, but also, I can't even be remembered. I'm not worth remembering. And that just... hurts. Well, bye everyone. Stan, Kyle, don't lose your friendship. It's too rare and too precious, so hold onto it with your goddamn lives, okay? Damien, don't kill Pip by accident, and Pip, appreciate Damien more. Timmy, Jimmy, don't accidently join a gang again. Although that was kind of funny. Token, realize more often how lucky you are to have a friend like Butters. Butters, take Mr. Kitty for me. Kenny, depend on other people more, you have too much fucking pride. Tweek, stop depending on Kenny so much, try to stand on your own. Craig, Clyde, stop getting in so many fights at school, you will get expelled. And, all of you, it's senior year, so... You guys might lose touch next year. Just... try not too, okay? For me? For the fact that I've lived here all my life and no on ever really got to know me at all?
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself...
Bye, everyone. Don't follow me, and don't forget me.
Eric Cartman
I can't be who you are...
I looked at Mr. Kitty one last time. That cat's eyes were glowing in the darkness. It's amazing how cats can do that. I muttered somewhat of an apology to the cat as a took a handful of pills and washed them down with water. Another handful down. Until there were none left.
I can't be who you are...
Time passed, and darkness flowed around me while the warmth fled my body. The last thing I did before death enveloped me into a cold, black sea was laugh. I was free, and nothing could change that. Nothing could ever force me to come back here. Ever.