Title: Smother
Summary: Hawkeye Pierce is an expert of repressing memories, because he's done it so many times before – a disjointed, very short one-shot. Written to accompany what transpired in Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen.
Rated: K+, just because it's sort of sad
Disclaimer: I do not own M*A*S*H
Author's Note: I know, I know, I know I should be focusing on the hordes of incomplete, unupdated Harry Potter fics on my profile but I couldn't resist…because I am ridiculously obsessed with watching reruns of this show right now. Forgive me – but please enjoy, and leave a review if you'd like, many thanks!
Brief update here: As Snooky-9093 adeptly pointed out, Hawkeye would not have been doing a report on World War II in high school, as World War II had yet to happen. So, in the consideration of historical accuracy, I have changed it from World War II to World War I. Thanks!
The first time he cut into a person he kept thinking first, never do harm and how he had to keep reminding himself that he wasn't
How his mom told him to be good, the last time he saw her
How it got easier – no matter how hard he tried, it got easier every time he saw another kid die
The tears in his dad's eyes that were probably there but Hawkeye never got to see because he left without a good-bye
That look that flickered across Radar's face when Henry climbed into the helicopter
He didn't want to admit that that brilliant bit of surgery – how he'd just happened to have the foresight to cut there – had really been a mistake
Because Hawkeye knew, somehow he knew Trapper was leaving. Still he blames him for not saying a word
No, of course, he didn't have a nightmare last night. Anyway, he couldn't remember it
Because for one glorious, glimmering second he was convinced that he loved her
The look on the private's face when he knew, two seconds before he died
The little girl whose village had been hit and Hawkeye told her she was going to be alright. He told her she was going to be alright and she died knowing he was a liar
And how it really wasn't his mother's death that convinced him he wanted to be a doctor
How, when he first got there, he believe he'd be back home in a month
And for one terrible, disgusting second he actually thought it was funny
How he wasn't convinced he did everything he could to save him
When he was in high school he did a report on World War I and came to the conclusion that war had been worth it
When Private Johnson told Hawkeye about the look in the Korean's eyes right before Private Johnson pulled the trigger, Hawkeye was disgusted because why did he end up pulling the trigger, then?
He fainted once when he was eight, because a girl had fallen off the monkey bars and broken her arm
It had taken him less than a day after his mother died before he smiled again – and that made him look pretty shallow
And he'd made a joke at dinner that night
He hated the enlisted men because that made him think that maybe he was a coward
Because he didn't cry the first time someone died under his knife
How he hated B.J. when Hawkeye walked into the tent and saw him sitting there
When he heard Frank sniffling over Margaret one night and for a fraction of a second thought well they were, after all, all human…
When he was five he decided he wanted to be a soldier
He was sometimes genuinely happy to be out of his old man's house
Because sometimes he forgot that the guys at the front probably had it worse than him
Sometimes he was afraid he was an alcoholic, but of course he could stop anytime he wanted
Because once he'd killed a rabbit by running it over with his bike
He couldn't bring himself to touch it because it was dead. And dead was disgusting, unclean, and filthy. And he'd done that.
He didn't like guns because holding that much power in your hand was terrifying
Not a day passed when he wasn't grateful to be three miles away from the front. Any miles away from the front
Because he thought maybe by being a doctor he could resolve himself of all his past sins, maybe he could make them better. And that was pretty selfish, if he thought about it
But of course he didn't think about it.