As I type this, I am unsure of what to say exactly. I am on my laptop as I lie beside Ludwig-san in an almost too small bed. He looks peaceful, but I still cannot sleep. We have done things that I rather regret, but things that I am certain will make us closer.
Or at least, I am hoping this is true.
I know that we could never truly have anything special... however, I can't help but feel attached to him. I can't help but want him.
I sigh a little to myself in slight frustration as I look back over at the German man beside me.
I do not think that I can say I love him, but if I don't love him, why do I feel like this?
Why do I force myself to choke back tears every time I see Feliciano-kun jumping all over him?
Why does my heart race faster with every small touch, every lovely smile?
And why would I do anything for him, no matter what the price I must pay?
I am unsure of myself... and I am unsure of his intentions... but for tonight, I want to lie in his arms. I want him to touch me and whisper to me.
I want to feel like I'm loved.
Even if I know that when morning comes, he won't be here. I don't care. Because as long as I have him, just for tonight, I can feel as though I have a chance of maybe capturing his heart in the same way that Feliciano-kun has.
It's one in the morning on the thirty first of May. The last day of the month. And I'm looking at my lover sleeping soundly beside me.
But I don't love him.
At least, not yet.