TW: Self-harm (not too graphic), self-deprecating/dark thoughts, mentions of suicide
It was three in the morning when Connor awoke in a cold sweat. He sat up in his bed, fear and panic taking place. Though he didn't make any sound, his breathing became rapid. Doing his best, he somewhat calmed himself down, though he felt himself begin to shake again. He needed air. As steadily and quietly as he could, he got out of bed, grabbing his hoodie and padded out of his room. It was then Connor had to tiptoe out of the house, knowing any noise he could make might wake his family up. Once outside he began to walk to the orchard while sending Evan a quick text. He could calm down there. At least he hoped he could.
Getting to the orchard, he went over to his and Evan's tree and sat down, hugging his knees to his chest. He hadn't had a nightmare like that in quite awhile. In fact, they were almost nonexistent since he and Evan became friends, and eventually boyfriends. Though he guessed some things just wouldn't go away. The nightmare kept replaying in his head, making his breathing more rapid and shake even more. He didn't want to relive it but his brain wasn't giving him a choice. Connor curled in on himself even more. He felt weak and vulnerable, trying to keep tears from forming as he quietly spoke to himself, his voice shaking.
"Stop. Stop. Just stop. Please. I don't want this. Just let me forget please..." Connor buried his face into himself, mentally cursing as he tried to make the thoughts go away but to no avail.
It only seemed to get worse and start to mix in the other nightmares he had with this one. It needed to stop. He needed to stop this. Though he knew of ways to make the thoughts quiet, his mind was only giving him one option. Fortunately that option was in his drawer back in his room and he didn't plan to go there anytime soon. However, the more he replayed the nightmare and events, the more unbearable it became. His voice became a bit louder but more shaky as he began to dig into his wrists and arms, a dangerous coping method he had learned through his life.
"Please. I can't take this. Make it stop. Just make it stop. I can't take this anymore..." Tears soaked into his hoodie as he dug in harder, the thoughts ever so slightly quieting but still swirling. He hated feeling this way. He hated how weak he felt. How vulnerable. He didn't know why anyone put up with him. How could they put up with someone like him?
"I can't do this anymore. I don't want to. It'd be better if I just left. Everyone could just move on. Everyone could just-" He felt his breathing hitch before the thought was finished. Though that didn't stop it from continuing.
"Everyone could just forget about me. I can't be enough for them, I can't be who they want me to be. It would be for the best. They can forget and can just...I can just...disappear...they can just replace me. With...with someone better..." His breathing became very uneven now as one of his worst fears, something he made sure to never acknowledge, made itself known.
All he could do to keep himself from passing from lack of oxygen now, was dig as hard as he could into his scars, inflicting as much pain as he could. While this did work to an extent, he also knew that he had reopened some of them. The ones that had never healed right because of it. But he was used to it. For him it was normal and that scared him because he knew it was bad but didn't know how to stop.
Connor sat there against the tree, shaking and alone. Quietly crying and talking to himself, working to get oxygen into his body. It wasn't until he felt warmth and a gentle rocking to realize that someone was now with him. He didn't need to see who it was because he already knew. Though Connor had forgotten he had texted Evan, he was grateful he was here.
"It's alright babe. Breath. Everything's ok. Follow the rhythm. It'll be alright." Evan spoke softly while gently rocking Connor back and forth.
Connor did as instructed and within minutes began to finally calm down with his speaking and the rhythm of the rocking. His breathing was still a bit shaky but was now kept even. His tears had stopped and his thoughts had quieted and eventually stopped. He had even stopped digging into himself and now just hugged his knees close to him.
Soon after, Connor broke the silence, keeping a quiet voice. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I thought you were asleep but...you can head back. You're probably tired..."
Evan spoke, his words soft but carrying worry. "I'm not going back without you. I'm worried about you Connor. Please, tell me what happened. I know I'm not the best at it but...but I want to help."
Connor shifted slightly away. He didn't-he couldn't bother him with this. Besides it wasn't a big deal. "No it's...it's fine. It's stupid, it's just a nightmare. Just...I'm fine...I was just over-reacting..."
Evan's eyes brimmed with tears, his worry for his boyfriend taking over. Whatever that had happened before he got to him, had made Connor put his walls back up against him. The walls he had tried so hard to break. It scared him because he knew what could happen when he did this. Though it was hard to see, he didn't miss the deep crimson that now stained the sleeves of the black hoodie he wore. Connor had hurt himself again and it caused him pain to see it. He cupped Connor's face in his hands and looked at him, tears threatening to fall. His voice shook with worry and his blue eyes begging.
"Connor. Please. I can't bare to see you this way. I love you so much and I want to help you. Please...let me in. Let me help you."
Connor faltered and moved slightly from his touch. He couldn't keep this from him. After a few moments of tense silence he finally talked, doing his best to keep his voice even.
"The nightmare it-" He paused, trying to find the right words, "It was when I...that day. When I tried to-" he stopped again. Taking in a shaky breath, he forced himself to continue, to speak all that he could. However, the more he spoke, the more he felt tears in his eyes that eventually fell.
"It was about that day. But you didn't...you weren't there you never came. I died alone and then I woke up. I thought coming up here would help but it only made it worse. It kept playing over and over and I couldn't take it. The thoughts they-they began to mix with others. It just kept getting worse and worse and I couldn't stop it. I thought that...I thought that everyone might...that you would…" He stopped once more , looking down. He didn't want to continue. Every thought and signal in his mind told him not to but he ignored them, pushing through his thoughts.
"I thought that you would just...leave. I thought you guys would just forget about me and...and just abandon me. Replace me beacause…because I wasn't...because I wasn't enough..." The tears that were falling continued as he looked at Evan, who now had tears of his own falling.
Evan looked into Connor's eyes, now seeing the full pain that had been there since the beginning. It was almost too much for him to handle and for a moment, only for a split second, it was. In that moment he had felt what Connor was feeling now and it was horrible. And in that moment, he knew Connor wanted to die. And he knew all too well what that felt like. He needed to stop this. He needed to make him understand, for him to listen. Evan cupped his face once more and looked at him, tears falling and voice shaking.
"No...no you listen to me. Connor, no one is going to leave you. I am not going to leave you. I never will. You cannot be replaced and you will not be replaced. You. Are. Loved. If you can't see that, that's ok. I need you to know that no matter what, I will be there. Your family will be there for you. No one is going to abandon you. I will not abandon you. I swear this on my life. Connor. You are loved. You are enough."
Evan brought Connor into a hug. Connor hugged back breaking down, audibly crying, gripping the back of Evan's shirt.
"I love you Connor. I love you so much. Please know that. I won't ever leave you. You are enough for me and I love you so so much..."
The two boys stayed clung together, neither of them saying anything and letting their emotions take over. They stayed that way for awhile until the cold air of the early morning chilled them. It was when Connor had calmed down enough that Evan had taken Connor home with his, nither wanting to leave the other's side. Once they had made it home, they had all but fell asleep right then and there, barely making it to the couch in time. Soon, the two boys were clung together in a peaceful, quiet sleep.