Haruka excitedly bounded into a room full of iDOL Masters and various tech support officers, squealing like a lunatic. Iori glared at Haruka as she ran past and jumped into a spinning chair pulled in front of a computer. Haruka spun in the chair a bit, then laughed and faced the computer.
"...Haruka, the heck...?" Iori muttered.
Haruka giggled. "We have to take the -dere test!"
"The what?"
"The -dere test! It's a test designed to determined what kind of -dere archetype you are!"
"Ah, so that's why you called us all here," Yukiho mused. She smiled. "Well, how do you do it?"
"It's easy!" Haruka insisted. She quickly opened an internet browser window on the computer, typed in the words "-dere test" in the search bar, and pressed the enter key. She then looked for a suitable quiz and clicked it, which brought her to a page designed for quiz-taking. She turned and grinned at everyone else, then gestured to the page and rose from her chair. "Who wants to go first?"
"You," everyone else answered (except for perhaps Chihaya, who was too busy glaring evilly at Haruka; Ami, who was too polite to insist that anyone else go first; and Makoto, who really hadn't been listening from the beginning).
Haruka blinked, shrugged, and settled into her chair. "Aaalright! Let's try it!"
The others watched or waited patiently as Haruka answered all the questions of the little quiz. She read some questions multiple times, then chose the answer she liked and received her results.
"...Bakadere, it says..." she muttered quietly, obviously a bit disappointed. "Let's see...it says here that 'a bakadere is, put simply, a stupid but lovey character. Their defining trait is that they simply cannot comprehend the feeling of love. They neither know how to recognize when someone says they love them, nor how to express their own feelings to another person. But they are still sweet and loving characters, and it is possible to get your point across to a bakadere even if it takes years.' That's not true...!"
"Although, you are stupid and lovey," Iori pointed out. "So maybe the definition isn't right, but the term definitely is."
"I suppose so...Iori-chan, that was mean!"
"My turn!" Iori shoved Haruka out of the chair, plopped in it herself, and reset the quiz. She then began to complete it herself. When she had finished, she read her results out loud.
"Tsundere. Says here 'tsunderes are abrasive, mean-spirited, and easily embarrassed on the outside; but if you get to know them, they'll start slowly revealing their soft and loving side. Whenever this happens, however, you can expect a deep blush and instant denial.'" Iori stood to her feet with a gasp, her face in all shades of red. "Th-that's stupid! It's insinuating that I actually like you people! A-as if I actually care about you idiots! It's lying!"
Everyone went silent.
"...it's spot-on," Haruka declared. Makoto nodded in agreement. Even Ami looked like she agreed with the quiz, although she wouldn't voice the opinion out loud.
Iori glared at them and returned to her seat. "...this test is stupid!"
"Chihaya-san, you go next," Yukiho invited.
"That's a great idea!" Haruka cheered. Chihaya sniffed haughtily and tossed her hair over her shoulder, then headed to the chair. She took her seat and reset the quiz, then worked through it, reading her results aloud like the others.
"Yandere, it says. 'A yandere is someone who will do anything for the sake of their beloved...and that means anything. They are usually sweet and cute, but underneath that kind, giggly exterior lies a cold-blooded psychopath who cares only for the one she loves. She will either kill anyone else who she suspects is trying to steal her beloved, or will kill her beloved to ensure that no one else can have him. Beware of the cute ones.' Well, besides the 'cute and giggly' part, that's pretty spot-on."
Haruka squirmed. Chihaya shot her an evil look and returned to her chair.
"...killing the competition, huh...yep, sounds like something I'd do..."
Haruka squeaked. "...Yukiho-chan should go next!"
Makoto gave her a look that said "I'm better than her, I should have gone first, stop making me wait." Haruka was too stupid to notice.
Yukiho dipped her head and sat in the chair. She stared at the screen for a few minutes, blinked, then apparently decided she was tired and settled into a deep sleep. Iori whacked the back of her head. She woke up, glared at Iori, rubbed her head, then proceeded to take the quiz. When she had finished, she blinked again and cocked her head.
"I also...got yandere."
"What? Yukiho-chan isn't a psycho killer!" Haruka protested.
"She did almost shoot me in order to protect Chihaya," Azusa pointed out.
"Speaking of that, aren't half of you dead?" Iori suddenly mused.
Makoto winced and scooted a bit closer to Azusa.
"...oh yeah." Azusa shrugged. "Well, I don't mind being back, certainly." She smiled.
Iori blinked. "...meh. So what, you act all cute and sweet, but secretly you'd kill us all to keep us from harming Chihaya?"
"Exactly." Yukiho smiled "innocently". Iori scooted away.
"Ami-chan's turn!" Haruka exclaimed. Ami blinked.
"Shouldn't we let Makoto-san go before me?" she said quietly. "I mean, she seems to have been waiting for quite a while."
"Kid's perceptive," Makoto commented, standing to head for the chair. She was blocked by Haruka and let out a slightly confused—but mostly annoyed—grunt.
"No, no! We have to be nice and let the younger ones go first, Makoto-chan! Letting you precede Ami-chan is just no good!" she complained.
"...you let yourself, Hagiwara, and Minase precede Futami. We're all the same age," Makoto pointed out, in a rare mood to talk for longer than ten seconds. "...besides, isn't Kisaragi around fifty?!"
"I'm seventeen for all you know!" Chihaya protested. "...even if we were going off of reality, I'm only forty-eight. Geez..."
The room went silent.
"...wow, you two are old," Iori stated bluntly.
"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Chihaya snapped.
"Excuse me," Ami called. She waited for everyone to give the young idol their attention. "Um...I took the quiz, and it's branded me a dandere. It says here that 'danderes are shy and reserved most of the time. They may even come across as emotionless sometimes. But if the right person shows up, danderes will open right up and display qualities that are caring, cute, and sweet.' I guess it's true, but I'm not prone to particularly 'cute' personality traits."
"That's perfect for Ami!" Mami insisted, suddenly both there and alive. "When we were kids she was so cute!"
"M-Mami...!" Ami blushed.
Haruka giggled. "Hmm, next should be..."
Makoto straightened up, rightly expecting to finally get her turn.
"...the manager!"
"Seriously...?" Makoto groaned.
"Sorry, Makoto-chan. This author enjoys making her favorite characters into butt monkeys. You'll probably be the last one to go."
"...the heck is a butt monkey?"
"Don't you go on the internet?" Iori lashed. "It's obviously the character at the butt of all the jokes."
"But that doesn't make sense. Jokes aren't physical, so technically..." Makoto looked around quizzically. "...why are you all looking at me like I'm stupid?!"
"Because you're too technical. Waaay too technical," Iori answered. "Stop taking stuff literally and deal with the fact that you're being made fun of!"
Makoto opened her mouth to protest, then apparently decided anything she said would be used against her and lapsed back into silence.
Azusa raised her hand from the spinning chair. "I took it."
"What did you get?" Haruka asked excitedly.
"Hm...interesting, I didn't really get one result. It seems I don't match any one specific -dere type," Azusa replied.
"How cool!" Haruka gasped. "Shunin-san is too good for cliches!"
"They're not really cliches." Azusa smiled. "Makoto?"
Makoto stood, ready and waiting to receive her turn. "Yes."
"I think it's your turn."
"I am the last one." Makoto took her place at the chair. "Best for last, I guess."
Iori stifled her laughter behind a hand.
Makoto glared at her. "Minase, I will hit you."
"Oh, how scary. Note the obvious sarcasm, Captain Oblivious."
"I'm not oblivious, I just don't see the sense in the stuff the internet comes up with."
"That's probably because you're so smart you're stupid."
"See, that's what I'm talking about! It doesn't make sense!"
"JUST TAKE THE FREAKIN' QUIZ ALREADY!"
Makoto responded with a harsh glare and a haughty sniff. She turned back to the computer, returning to silence long enough to complete said quiz and discover her own results.
"Kuudere. 'Someone who seems harsh and cold on the outside. They appear cool, untouchable, or even emotionless; sometimes, this range even includes being downright cruel. But deep inside, kuuderes genuinely care about the people around them, especially that one special person in their life. The right amount of love and patience will get them to open up and show their softer, cute and caring side.'"
The room went silent again. Makoto shifted uncomfortably and tried not to blush, fully aware that this type described her to a T.
"...who knew...even Makoto-chan has a cute side," Haruka murmured at last. Makoto's blush promptly emerged full-force, but she continued to scowl and act cool.
"I'm not cute," she objected. "...I'm not cruel either!"
Iori burst out laughing. "Not cruel, that's a good one...! You're definitely not cute, but cruel is a definite yes!"
Makoto glared at her again, stood, and went to sit next to Azusa. Azusa smiled warmly at her, obviously aware that she was the "special person" in Makoto's life that had been described in the quiz.
"...although, you really are cute when you open up," the bluenette manager commented.
Makoto's expression instantly changed from "you guys are stupid, I'm amazing, shut up and leave me alone" to "why the heck would you tell people that, gosh darn you?!"
"O-Onee-chan...!" she hissed. "I'm not cute!"
"Oh, but just the other day, you were just adorable, cuddling with that crab pillow of yours and giggling like a schoolgirl, plus that gleefully delighted smile was just to die for..."
"You're dead, you never saw any of that...!"
"But it happened, didn't it?"
"...I refuse to admit anything."
Haruka giggled. Iori fell out of her chair laughing. Makoto returned to her "the world sucks, especially you" expression, predictably aimed at Iori.
"...tsundere," she accused.
Iori gasped and shot up. "I am not a tsundere! I don't even like you people! You're all bakas!"
"Tsundere."
"Kuudere!"
"Tsundere...!"
"Kuudere!"
"Tsundere!"
"Kuudere!"
"Bakadere!" Haruka cut in, in true Haruka fashion.
"Baka is right!" Iori and Makoto snapped at the same time.
"...you're a tsundere!" Haruka whined. "And Makoto-chan is a kuudere!"
"At least I'm not a bakadere!" Iori retorted. "...and I am not a tsundere!"
"Tsundere," Makoto muttered under her breath.
"FREAKIN' KUUDERE!"
"P-please stop fighting!" Ami begged.
"Dandere," Yukiho muttered bitterly, having been woken from her brief nap by Ami's exclamation.
"Like you can complain, you darned yandere!" Iori shot out.
"Don't make fun of yanderes!" Chihaya interrupted angrily.
"You're the worst of us all, freakin' yandere!" Iori snapped back.
"Well, at least I'm not a bakadere like the tsundere-with-the-kuudere-rival's best friend!" Chihaya angried.
"ANGRIED ISN'T EVEN A REAL SPEAKER TAG!" Iori shouted, then assumed a smug expression, confident she had won.
Chihaya's jaw dropped. "...oh, that's it, you little tsun-tsun! No one takes down my fourth wall!"
"So now you're in love with a wall, too?" Iori taunted sarcastically. "What's next, the toaster in the kitchen?"
"But Iori-chan, you're in love with Nebula who is a robot," Haruka said bluntly.
Iori blushed madly. "I-I'm not in love with him! H-he's just my partner! That's all! You baka, you're so stupid...w-why would I love Nebula?!"
"...you really are a tsundere..."
"BAKADERE!"
"Tsundere!" Chihaya accused.
"Yandere," Makoto mumbled, looking away.
"Don't insult Chihaya-san, you kuudere!" Yukiho lashed out, now both grouchy from being awoken and angry that her beloved was being threatened.
"You're a yandere too," Ami pointed out.
"Stupid danderes," Iori muttered.
"You're mean!"
"Everyone, calm down!" Azusa ordered. The bickering Masters went silent. "...I'm not a -dere at all, none of you can insult me~."
"You're the lesbian recipient of a kuudere's loving side, that's just as bad!" Chihaya complained. Makoto leapt to her feet instantly, embarrassment (and disgust) clear on her usually-serious face.
"I'm not in love with her, that's weird!" she protested. "Don't misinterpret things! I've just...grown accustomed to her company since we live together, that's all!"
"I'm not a lesbian..." Azusa half-whimpered. "Besides, the only canon lesbians on the show are you and Yukiho-chan!"
"I am not!" Chihaya insisted. "My heart belongs to my precious Imber! My preciousssss..."
Yukiho did nothing to object; she only looked away and tried to hide her blush.
"I can't believe I'm a bakadere!" Haruka whined.
"Deal with it!" Chihaya and Iori snapped in sync.
"And I'm still not lesbian," Azusa sighed, lowering back into her seat.
"I'll believe that when you force that kuudere freeloader to get a life away from you," Chihaya responded.
"She already did, she's dead," Makoto reminded her. "You want me to lose the only person I can ever show a soft side to? Congratulations, you got your wish."
"An emo and a kuudere?" Iori mumbled. "Do you have any redeeming qualities at all?!"
"I saved your sorry butt from an Epimethius attack," Makoto snapped back. "Ungrateful tsundere."
"Only after you smashed it to bits for no reason other than a previous rivalry!" Iori lashed. "Stupid kuudere! ...and for the last time, I'm not a tsundere!"
"You would have done the same, wouldn't you...?" Ami mused.
"Stay outta this, dandere!" Iori ordered.
"Can everyone please just calm down and return to your stations?" Azusa moaned, beginning to get annoyed, which was quite rare for Azusa.
"Shut up, non-dere!" everyone else shouted at the same time.
And so, the bickering extended far into the night, and eventually the -dere test was viciously destroyed (along with the girls' computer) so that no other unfortunate character could be put through its misery.
((A/N: I actually loved this little one-shot. I think the characters were slightly OOC, but that's probably because I just can't seem to figure them out. What do you guys think?
P.S.: Makoto is such a kuudere it's actually a bit scary. Plus, Chihaya is a bit terrifying in Yandere Mode.))