Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto and/or Cloverfield, then why would I be writing this?
Warning: This contains some spoilers about the Cloverfield monster. But it's nothing that would really ruin the movie.
"Oi," Shikamaru opened his eyes and looked up at the speaker, "what's going on here?"
"Something troublesome, judging from the lack of script format." The Nara replied in a bored tone. "Did she forget to do the authors note?"
"If only," Sasuke muttered, then pointed upwards. "She wrote the disclaimer, see? And a spoiler warning, too."
"Then what is this supposed to be, other than troublesome?"
"Apparently, Kitsuru's always hated writing in script format, so she's writing her notes like this from now on. But what I wanted to know was where she is."
"Don't know." Shikamaru rolled over and closed his eyes once again, preparing to go back to his nap. The Uchiha kicked him. "What do you want now?"
"Stop lying, Nara." Sasuke ordered. "I know that you know where that annoying author is."
"Ooh, alliteration, how terrifying." The brunette muttered in what would have been a sarcastic tone, had he not been so lazy. His comment earned him another kick. "How troublesome… how would I know where she is?"
"Because you know everything, as troublesome as that is." The avenger growled. His old classmate sighed and reluctantly sat up.
"She's probably hiding somewhere." He told Sasuke.
"Why?"
"Because she hasn't finished the next chapter of BB yet," Shikamaru answered, an unspoken 'duh' hanging at the end of his words. "And she wants to get it done before people start throwing things at her for the lack of updates."
"If she wanted to get it done so badly, then why'd she write this?" The Uchiha asked.
"How troublesome…" Shikamaru sighed. "Remember how Naruto got into the plot bunny cage last week?"
Three seconds passed in silence. "…Oh."
"Right." The chuunin nodded. "She still can't find half of them."
"What about the other half?" Sasuke wasn't so sure that he wanted to know the answer to that.
Now it was Shikamaru's turn to point.
The Uchiha looked up to see a giant white rabbit happily smashing holes in the roof. He blinked. "So that's why we've been having all of those leaks when it rains…"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE GIANT MONSTER INSURANCE?!"
Shino 'eeped!' and tried to hide behind Akamaru. The ninken, meanwhile, was trying to hide behind his smaller owner, who was curled into a fetal position behind the nervous Hinata. The kunoichi had forgotten her shyness in the face of mortal peril and managed to duck for cover behind Naruto, who was cowering behind Sakura. The medic-nin had hidden behind Sasuke, who was too cool to hide and had instead just happened to be coincidentally lurking behind the rookie nine's meat shield—er, Akamichi—who was whimpering from his hiding spot behind Ino, who was using Shikamaru for concealment. As for the Nara, he had decided that finding any semblance of safety in this situation required too much effort and that, if it came down to a choice between that or death by a troublesome old woman, he'd choose the second option.
Even if Tsunade had started foaming at the mouth.
"What about those summons from the invasion?" She demanded. "What about the Kyuubi? We've got to have something! ANYTHING!"
"We've got nothing, Hokage-sama," squeaked Izumo from the corner where he and Kotetsu cowered.
"Then what," she hissed venomously, turning to scowl at her whipping boys—er, assistants, "am I supposed to do about that?"
She pointed at the nearest window, which showed a clear view of the citizens of Konoha, shinobi and civilian alike, fleeing in droves from a gigantic creature that was busily knocking over some of the villages' taller buildings with great enthusiasm. Everyone winced as the beast suddenly paused in it's rampaging to snack on a few of the ANBU who had been trying—and failing—to stop it. Every so often, beings not unlike oversized insects could be seen falling off of it and attacking any human unfortunate enough to be in their path.
To put it bluntly, it wasn't a pretty sight.
"Ew…" Naruto summed up their feelings to that display quite accurately. Chouji discreetly put away his half-eaten bag of chips.
"'Ew' indeed." Tsunade snarled, her killing intent building as she glared at the two terrified shinobi in the corner.
"Don't kill the messenger!" Kotetsu begged. The bloodlust only spiked higher. "FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI-SAMA, PLEASE DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER!"
And with that, the duo fainted. Tsunade blinked at them for nearly a full minute, then turned to look at her remaining nine subordinates. "I'm not that scary, am I?"
They hastened to reassure her that no, she wasn't scary in the least, and she certainly wasn't so horrifying that every single one of them would rather take their chances with the giant monster than her. Although Sakura did make sure to add that she was brilliantly formidable and awe-inspiring and commanded the utmost respect of the entire village. When she looked suitably appeased and smug, they shared a silent sigh of relief, glad that they were shinobi and therefore skilled at lying.
The Godaime frowned as something occurred to her. "Naruto, is this one of your tricks?"
"I wish." The blonde told her vehemently.
"Honesty isn't always the best policy, dobe." Sasuke muttered under his breath.
"TEME!!"
Tsunade crossed the room to stand in front of the window. She watched the destruction; the very image of a leader determined to think up a plan and save the day… and who, incidentally enough, was failing miserably. The shouting match that had broken out behind her wasn't helping.
Finally, she whirled around and punched her desk, splitting it in half. Silence filled the room, as the rookie nine stared at the once-solid hardwood pieces. It took nearly an entire minute for it to occur to them to scramble back to their makeshift hiding places behind each other.
Too late.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" The Hokage roared, and the rookie nine froze… or rather, most of them did.
"Sakura, drop the genjutsu." The pink-haired kunoichi flinched. Her hand was already on the doorknob. "Now."
Her eight classmates glared at her as she released the genjutsu and crept back to her spot between Sasuke and Naruto. Her dark-haired teammate muttered something out of the corner of his mouth that sounded suspiciously like 'traitor.'
"Oh, like you're one to talk, Mr. Left-the-village-for-a-pedophile." She retorted softly.
"He wasn't a pedophile." Sasuke snapped, then as an afterthought, "and I left to get stronger."
"Right…" Sakura replied, obviously humoring him.
"Okay," Tsunade said as she sat down behind the remains of her desk. "Where were we?"
At that moment, there was a loud crash from outside as the one-monster wrecking crew leveled a nearby restaurant. There was an inhuman shriek of rage and grief.
"NOT THE DANGO! I'LL KILL YOU!"
The attacking creature blinked as one of the yummy little insects launched itself at him. After a moment, he shrugged and ate her.
"MY BELOVED!" Another voice boomed. "I SHALL AVENGE YOUR LOST YOUTH!"
"HOW ABOUT MY LOST LIFE, YOU BAKA?!" Anko roared from… well, you really don't want to know where.
The multi-legged menace was a bit more hesitant about devouring this newcomer. After all, it was green and seemed to have some sort of black mold growing above its eyes. But eventually hunger won out, and he swallowed the little green man.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Lee, don't! Neji, grab him!"
"Hn!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"Lee, don't—Neji, help me out! Geeze, did he get a hold of sake or something?"
"Hn."
The gathered shinobi watched as the two sane—or saner, what with Tenten's obsession with pointy objects and Neji's not-so-secret dream of one day setting fire to the Main House and laughing as it's members try futilely to escape—members of Team Gai drag the third off. However, none of the rookie nine really registered what they were seeing, due to their brain's being broken by the revelation about the two strange jonin. Not that any jonin were normal—indeed, they had yet to meet one that was certifiably sane—but those two were weird even by Konoha's standards.
"I think I'm going to be sick…" Kiba groaned, looking slightly green. Everyone took several pointed steps away from him.
"I think that it's actually a good thing that they were eaten." Chouji commented. "I mean, can you imagine their wedding?"
"I'm trying not to," Ino said with a shudder. "The green spandex wedding dress and tuxedo is enough to scar me for life."
"And since Orochimaru was her teacher, he'd have probably given her away." Sakura pointed out. "Can you imagine Kabuto as the ring bearer?"
"No," Kiba shook his head. "That snake-freak would probably make him the flower-girl."
The entire group shared a shudder.
"Is anyone going to volunteer to fight that thing?" Tsunade asked desperately. "Come on, anyone?"
"Clover." Ino suddenly said. The Hokage blinked.
"What?"
"Clover." She repeated. "It's a much better name than 'that thing.' I think it suits him."
The sannin rolled her eyes. "Oh, for the love of—"
"It should be Cloey." Shikamaru interrupted. "It acts more like a girl."
"What makes you say that?" The Yamanaka asked, confused.
"Well, it's acting the same way you do once a month." He told her. The lazy genius sighed when she gave an enraged roar and lunged at him.
"As entertaining as this is," Tsunade said, "we really need to—"
"I think it looks more like an Alex." Shino suddenly commented. Everyone—except for Ino and Shikamaru, who were strangling and being strangled respectively—blinked at the usually silent chunin, then at the monster, which was currently destroying an entire neighborhood using only its whip-like tail.
"You know…" Chouji began. "…It kind of does."
"H-hai." Hinata agreed. "A-and th-that n-n-name w-works for b-both g-guys a-and g-g-girls, s-so…"
"Excuse me!" The Godaime snapped. "Would you mind letting me—"
"I like Ramen!" Naruto announced, punching the air happily.
"We know." The group chorused wearily.
"No, I mean for a name!" He blinked at the incredulous stares that statement earned him. "What? It's a good name!"
"This from the guy whose name means 'fishcake…'" Kiba muttered. Akamaru barked in agreement.
"I kind of like the name Bob," Sakura declared. "After all, it does look more like a guy."
"At least someone's using their oversized head."
"What was that, Ino-pig?" At that, Ino stopped trying to kill her teammate and stomped over to her rival.
"Forehead-san!"
"Hey, would you be quiet and listen to me?!" Their so-called leader demanded angrily, only to find herself ignored.
"I still say that Cloey's not that troublesome of a name." Shikamaru was telling those shinobi not unconscious in the corner or in the middle of a shouting match. His voice was slightly raspy and he was rubbing at the bruises on his throat.
"Alex." Shino repeated firmly.
"What's wrong with Ramen?" No one dignified that question with an answer.
"CAN WE GET BACK TO BUSINESS HERE, PEOPLE?!" Tsunade bellowed. The rookie nine didn't even seem to hear her, and she threw up her hands in disgust.
"It's official," She muttered under her breath. "We're all doomed."
And with that, she pulled a bottle of sake out of nowhere—or rather, out of somewhere that you don't really want to know about. As she did so, the sound of the monster roaring seemed to grow louder. She went to the window just in time for it to pass by.
"Oi!" She shouted, waving the bottle. "Want some?"
The creature blinked at the blond woman for nearly a full minute. The shouting from behind her grew louder and she shook the bottle again. After another few moments of thought, it shrugged. Why not?
Tsunade grinned as she poured the sake right into the monster's open mouth. As she did so, the Rookie Nine finally noticed what was going on, possibly because her pouring good alcohol out of a window was a sign of the apocalypse. They babbled at her while Clover/Cloey/Alex/Ramen/Bob closed its mouth and swallowed.
After they had talked non-stop for over five minutes without any signs of slowing down, the Godaime cleared her throat. None of them took the hint, so she decided to be a little less subtle—in other words, she punched a hole in her floor. The silence after she did so was practically deafening.
Without a word, the sannin pointed out the window. The nine shinobi looked, and saw… nothing. The monster was gone. They blinked, and—still without speaking—the sannin pointed downwards, and they hesitantly came forward to see the creature lying immobile in the street. Judging from the still-twitching parasite limbs that could be seen poking out from beneath the body, it had fallen right on top of its little explosion-causing friends, which meant that Konoha probably wouldn't need to worry about them any more.
"And that," Tsunade said smugly as she poured out the rest of the poisoned sake. "Is how you kill a five-hundred foot tall monster."
She strode towards the door, pushing a few of her more shell-shocked subordinates out of the way, then paused. She stared down at the—still unconscious—Izumo and Kotetsu for several long moments, and then looked back at the silent group. They exchanged nervous looks and barely resisted the urge to cower.
"When they wake up," she poked Izumo with her foot, "tell them that by the time I get back from the closest bar that's still standing, Konoha had better have giant monster insurance."
Sasuke cleared his throat, squinting down at the piece of paper in his hands. "Kileam unshes to cerduahy imirte you to romew, and to—"
"Her handwriting's not that troublesome." Shikamaru cut in, snatching the paper out of the other boy's hands. After less than a minute, he handed it back. "I take that back. This word looks more like Hikune than Kileam, though…"
"It's Kitsuru!" A voice shouted from behind a nearby chair. "Kitsuru wishes to cordially invite you to review, and to remind you that constructive criticism is welcome and flames are—oh, crap."
A blond blur sped out of the room, followed closely by a horde of furious readers wielding pitchforks, torches, and rotten vegetables. You know, the usual sort of weaponry favored by your friendly neighborhood angry mob.
"Should we help her?" Sasuke wondered. Shikamaru snorted.
"No," he replied flatly. He laid down and was snoring in less than a minute.