Things I would've liked to see in The Mummy Returns.

Disclaimer: I don't own characters and some of the things are from the book The Mummy Returns by Max Allan Collins.

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The Scorpion King is charging at the head of his army to the army of Thebes. He doesn't see a rock protruding from the ground in his path and trips and falls.

Scorpion King: Da*% the rock!!

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Rick's outline can be seen through a huge web, he seems rather short. He takes out his gun and starts singing the Mission Impossible theme song while moving like some weird spy.

Director: CUT! Brendan this isn't MI2! It is TM2! Get the right movie! And have you been drinking too much coffee? I mean you were like 6'3" ten minutes ago now your like 5'2"!!

Brendan walks up behind him.

Brendan: Sorry I'm late guys. I was talking to my wife. What scene are we doing now?

Director (aka Steve): Wha-? If you're there then who's that? *points to short dude on set.*

Tom Cruise: Oh, Sorry wrong set. I thought this was Mission Impossible Two set. *Laughs nervously.*

Brendan: What? MI2 already came out. Are coming down with Alzheimer's?

Tom: No, actually I'm filming Vanilla Sky in two months and I was in London and I just wanted to be in the sequel to The Mummy!

Brendan: Sorry bud, but you're too short to be Rick O'Connell.

Rachel walks onto the set.

Rachel: What's taking so- Oh my GOD!! IT'S TOM CRUISE!! I THINK YOU ARE A TOTAL HOTTIE!! But not as hot as Brendan here. Besides, what are you doing here?

Brendan: He wanted to be in the movie.

Rachel: Oh cool, you can play Alex.

Tom Cruise: Really! Who's he? Is he like Rick's long lost brother or something'?

Brendan: *laughs* No more like Rick's not so long or lost eight year old son.

Rachel: *laughs* Yeah. You are the right size. You're so short!!

Everyone laughs (no offense to you Tom Cruise fans.)

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Evelyn looks down at the snake near her foot. She kicks it out the door narrowly missing Rick.

Rick: Those are poisonous you know.

Evelyn: No they're not. Red touch black friend of Jack.

Rick: Yeah, friend of Jack. I pissed them off so now they poisonous around me.

Evelyn: Oh you're such a sissy!

Rick: AM NOT!

Evelyn: ARE TOO!

Rick: AM NOT!!!!

Evelyn: ARE TOO!!

Rick: AM Not times infinity to the infinite power!

Evelyn: You suck!

Rick: Do not!

Evelyn: Do to times infinity to the infinite power!

Steve: Stop fighting you two! That's not in the script!!

Brendan: At least I'm tall.

Rachel: True.

Steve slaps his forehead in disgust.

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Alex is about to put the cheese on the rat trap when his stomach growls. He looks famished, then he eats the cheese.

Steve: Is this about the candy? Are proving to me you would starve if I didn't get you some candy?

Freddie nods.

Freddie: Now you have to find a new hunk of cheese! You should have just bought me candy, and this would- hey! Who's chucking the cheese at me?

Steve: pick it up from where we left off, and ACTION!!

Freddie eats the cheese again. Steve throws him another one, Freddie eats it. Steve throws a hundred more and Freddie eats them all.

Freddie: Ugh! I'm full, no more Cheese! Please!!

Steve throws another one.

Steve: Now do the fucking scene!!

Freddie: Watch your language!

Steve throws down his bull horn in anger and stomps off. Freddie faints from too much cheese. Steve walks by Brendan, Brendan stops him.

Brendan: Think of it like this Steve, all that cheese is bound to get him constipated for a while!

Steve brightens up.

Steve: Thanks for cheering me up Brendan. You are a great guy.

Brendan: And tall.

Tom: Enough already! So what if I'm short! I have an excuse to be looking at women's breast now!!

Steve walks off.: Pervert.

Tom: I heard that!!

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Evy picks up the bracelet of Anubis then an earthquake hit. She puts the bracelet back in the box and slams it shut.

Rick: It's a bit late for that isn't it?

She shoves it in Rick's arms

Evelyn: put it in your rucksack!

Rick: I have a better idea, let's leave the sons of bitches here!!

Evelyn: I think it's a bit late that!!

Rick: What's it say?

Evelyn: 'He who disturbs this bracelet shall drink from the Nile.' Well that doesn't sound too bad. I mean I disturbed it, and I'm not a he.

Rick and Evelyn run to hall when a wall of water bursts through a wall near them.

Rick: I believe that this is bad Evy!

Evelyn: Well, don't blame me!

Rick: Oh, I blame you!

Steve: Cut!

He's talking to thin air as since everyone has continued to film the scene.

Steve: I bloody said cut!!

Still nothing.

Steve: Screw this! I just want to let Brendan know that he ripped off Kevin Kline's line in The Road to El Dorado!!! *Whispers* I'm going to my tai chi classes now.

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The mound of sand rises in a dig site at Hamunaptra. One of the diggers run off

Running Digger #1: Run for your lives men! Run! I said run!!

The scarabs bust through then everyone starts running.

Running Digger #1: Oh, so now y'all start runnin' huh?

Steve: Cut! You just ripped off Will Smith's line in MIB2!!

Running Digger #1: Ah, but you see, it hasn't been made yet, so he ripped the line off a me!

Steve: Clever, you are very clever. You are the new Curator.

Alan (the curator): But I'm the curator!

Steve: Not anymore!

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Evy and Rick walked through the hallway in the O'Connell manor, Rick carrying all the bags.

Evelyn: I think that the bracelet is some sort of guide to the lost Oasis of Ahm Shere.

Rick: Evy, I know what you're thinking and the answer is as long as we find a new house sitter.

Evelyn: That's the beauty of it, we're already packed!

Rick: What? Uh, why don't you just give me one good reason.

Evelyn: It's just an oasis. A beautiful, exciting, romantic oasis.

Rick: With palm trees, and sandy beaches on the lake, with no bathing suits?

Evelyn: Now you're getting the idea.

Rick: Alex stays here?

Evelyn nods and smiles mischievously.

Steve: Cut! That whole thing is not in the script except for Rachel's first two lines!

Brendan: Why didn't you say that earlier?

Steve: We were asleep. I wasn't here either.

Assistant Dire.: You were at your tai chi class.

Rachel: OH, Tai chi? Where at?

Steve: A couple blocks south there's a tai chi place.

Rachel: I have always wanted to do Tai chi. Gets off a lot of stress I hear.

Brendan: What's so hard. It's just slow karate. *Does a karate chop*

Rachel: And in some instances you can use on numb nuts like yourself. *Does karate on him*

Brendan: Mai, I thought you liked me! Why am I being picked on?

Mai (Me): Well, I try to be fair. I don't want Tom Cruise fans running after me with two pairs of pliers and a machete or any thing that can be used to hurt me.

Steve: *Under breath* It doesn't get rid of my stress. *Reg. Voice* Can we just get back to the movie now?

Mai: Yeah.

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All I remember now!! Please review!!