Bad time for love.
My heart's timing sucks.
Since the start of International Rescue as a full-time endeavour, the bunch of us spent months and months living in each other pockets. I can remember at least six periods of peace – when there were no rescues for weeks! Weeks the extended Tracy family spent lazing around the pool, exploring every nook and cranny on the island or throwing impromptu luaus on the beach. Couldn't i fall in love then? Use all that free time to sort out my feelings, work out the strategy and gather courage to speak to her at my own pace? Nooooo...of course not. It would be too easy – which isn't Tracy way.
So, here i am. Alone behind Dad's desk at nearly...3 a.m. Damnit. Still elbow-deep in a quarterly report of Tracy Engineering Euro Division. New fancy turbopump marketed in Europe last week is a huge hit. Plenty of orders pouring in from across the continent already. Small wonder – it's our resident genius brainchild. Heh, pun intended. It's a scaled down version of the real deal installed in all our Thunderbirds. Significantly 'dumbed down' as Gordon charmingly put it, of course, but still three lenghts ahead of anything competition can field in foreseeable future. This baby alone will fund IR operations for the next three to five years easily. Wonders of global economy.
I would gladly sell my stupid heart to anyone outside this island. It's a good heart – big and strong, only slightly broken. Package it comes in, is not too shabby too – tall and muscular, well honed by years of physical activity. You wouldn't believe how good digging through rubble and outrunning the explosions is for one's cardiovascular system. Scars could be a problem, buy hey – chicks dig scars, right?
Damn it! Damnity damn! Get it out of your head, Scott! Get her out!
Kayo.
What i'm supposed to do now?
I called her aloud our sister so many times, even admitting to myself i do not think of her like that leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Hypocrite – thats what it makes me.
No one needs a lovesick Scott Tracy. I don't need the distraction. Kayo needs the full support of her family – she doesn't need one colossal asshole lusting after her and making things even more difficult than they are already. She's still uncertain about her place in the International Rescue – i can see it in her eyes, varily watching us from the shadows of her eyelashes. She doesn't trust us enough to believe we do trust her implicitly. And therein lies another problem caused by my heart's bad timing.
Kayo will notice me staring at her. Which for the life of me, i can't stop doing. And after i stupidly declared myself her big brother for everyone to hear, there is no way she'll take my staring as anything but a sign of distrust. Like i'm watching her for any sign of disloyal behaviour, or waiting to see if she's going to switch the sides and do her uncle's bidding. I'm not. Kayo Kyrano is one of the three people outside of my immediate family i trust totally.
No. That's a lie. Admit it, Tracy.
I do not trust her enough to bare my heart to her. If i'd trust Kayo totally, i would talk to her about my feelings. I would say „I love you" and wouldn't be afraid she'll reject me. Hurt me.
But...like i said – i'm a hypocrite, asshole and a damn coward. Also, a realist. On the island i placed myself in 'trustworthy big brother' position. In the field, i'm her boss. The guy she butts heads with frequently. I do not need to be a psychic, to know how annoyed she is with me sometimes. Impatience and exasperation pour from her like a field of static electricity – prickly and goosebumps inducing. Or maybe that's just my body reacting to her proximity – all green eyes, satin skin and starfield-black banner of the hair.
I'm an idiot.
Any relationship between us that isn't strictly professional, would be like the worst office romance ever. And end in a spectacular disaster. Which none of us needs, for oh so many reasons.
Eh, it's all moot point anyway – face it Scott. Anyone with working eyes can easily tell which Tracy brother is Kayo's favourite. Alan's still a kid, but in couple of short years he'll grow to be a fine young man. A much better... safer match for her than damaged, emotionally stunted mess like me.
He won't be shy about his feelings. He will stick to her, and will never fail to protect her – leaving her fate to chance and a sudden change of the heart of a criminal. Alan will never have to watch fireball blossoming on the ground, screaming uselessly her name from miles away. He'll never be late.
It will be for the best – people i love too much tend to die way too quickly.
I'm a terrible liar.
I can't even fool myself properly. I can't pretend i'm letting go of someone i never had. And i can't un-love someone my heart latched on already. I could just as well try to disassemble One with my bare hands. Screwed if i do, screwed if i don't. Story of my life.
„Scott?" Kayo. Awesome.
„Kayo, hey." - I said plastering cheerful (and fake) smile to my face. Get a grip, Tracy.
She eyed me suspiciously from the doorway, then cut a glance to the clock on the wall. I followed her look, and cringed at the display.
„4 a.m. Scott. Seriously?" - There was an even mix of concern and disapproval in her voice, and immediately i felt guilty. Deeper feelings or not, we still are good friends – she is worried about me just as much as i worry about her. „Really, why aren't you asleep?"
Yeah. Good question. My eyes feel full of sand, and three coffees i downed so far were doing unpleasant things to my stomach. But it was a price i was willing to pay, to not dream about things i could not have. I'm not made of iron, y'know.
„I'm a well known insomniac, y'know." - Smile and shrug, Tracy. Like it ain't nothing. Go for nonchalant. „Also, work." - I picked up my pad, and presented screen full of text and graphs to Kayo. „Boring, but profitable. Gotta pay the bills." - that got me an eyeroll and amused snort, so i pumped my fist triumphantly. Inwardly of course. Scott Tracy – master of deflection and avoidance at his finest. But i have to do better – Kayo is not stupid.
„It's daytime in Europe, so i reckon it's best time to work on this report now. I could call and clarify things without delay – if there would be a need of course." - Good one. Excuse with enough truth in it to be totally plausible.
„Uh-huh." - Kayo hummed quietly, gliding...Damnit Scott!...walking across the room to lean on the desk casually. „Good to know you make sure we'll be allowed to wallow in luxury for days to come, Scott." Funny girl, hah hah. But her pose – all casual and easy going, was doing things to me that were in no way funny. Perched on the edge of the desk, half-wrapped in shadows and with glint of the huntress in green eyes? She looked like a panther ready to pounce. Grace and danger personified.
I'm a goner. Hopeless and beyond saving. Too bad for me, considering all the cons i could think of. Pros? One: I would feel...normal again. A little bit more alive. Just a guy with a life, and a future, and a chance of having something good only for myself.
„But as a Chief of Security of International Rescue, my duty is to make sure nothing bad happens to you." - Kayo continued lightly, completely, blessedly unaware of the direction my mind went. „Which i might fail, if you keel over from the lack of sleep, Scott. Go to bed before i call Grandma on you." Aaannnddd there... head, meet the bucket of cold water.
I rose from my chair, forcing a cheerfully fake chuckle out. No, certainly no one would want Scott Tracy to go on rescue half-conscious from sleep deprivation. Probably i would trip over my own feet, crack my stupid head open and would need to be saved. A failure and useless burden - again. Or be too slow to save someone – again. It's a sad day when the bad guy saves the day instead of the hero, Scotty old boy. Go to bed, try not to be an embarassment for your family.
„You're the one to talk, Kayo" - I said lightly. Still fake. „It's 4 in the morning – what are you doing out of bed?" - Deflection and avoidance still the name's of the game. And i busied myself with turning off the computer and the lamp on the desk – it helped to hide my face and the smile turned bitter.
„Perimeter check." - Came terse reply. Light hand suddenly materialising on my shoulder brought my fumbling to a complete stop. „Scott, I...can we talk about something?"
Busted. She did notice my oh-so-subtle stares, and is going to read riot act to me. At least at this stupid 'o clock i'll get my chops busted without eavesdropping audience.
„Of course, Kayo. What's the matter?" - Steeling myself for the inevitable i turned to face her...and kinda forgot to breathe. Her eyes... despite all the shadows, those twin green lakes somehow managed to gather enough light to shine like emeralds. So beautiful, it hurt. Not for me – i had to remind myself firmly. God, it was just cruel.
„Scott... I'm very sorry" - She said after the eternity of three heartbeats, and my mind stuttered to a halt. Huh?
„Uh. What?" Smooth, Tracy – keep it up you silver-tongued devil, you.
„You trusted me." - Kayo blurted out, still staring into my eyes with a strange, intense mix of shame, regret , sincerity and... hope? „Even after Hood... After my uncle spouted all his lies about me, you still believed me, not him. I lied to you, i hid things – vital things from you. And you still trusted me with your life, and safety of your family. International Rescue, this house – everything important to you." - Kayo stopped to take a long, shuddering breath. God, how i wanted to gather her in my arms then, and hold her until she stopped shaking.
„Trust is a two-way street, Scott. And i failed to trust you in the first place." - She continued softly. With a start, i noticed that somehow we came to stand so close i could feel her warm breath on my face and throat. My stomach started to twist itself into another painful knot. Not for me. Not for me. Not for me. Keep chanting that, Scotty.
„So...I am sorry, Scott. I was stupid and scared – and i let Hood get into my head and twist things inside i'm still untangling. Still, it doesn't excuse going behind your back, ignoring your direct orders and cutting out the communications, when you needed to know what was happening."
Wow. And i thought my evaluation of those unfortunate events was harsh. Apparently Kayo spent more time self-flagellating over past mistakes than i did. All of it was true, granted – and we really needed to sort it out. But... i had enough. Enough guilt, blame and regrets for things that couldn't be undone. Time to clear the air, before someone suffocates on all the bitterness hanging around like a cloud of poison.
„Team like the International Rescue can only work when every member trusts his teammates totally – we all know that. Especially we need to trust the guy in charge. You. Yet, i chose to strike out on my own, leaving you out of the loop. All the while knowing i'm doing the wrong thing." More harsh truth i wouldn't be able to say aloud. Kayo wasn't pulling back her punches – too bad they were aimed at herself. Time to stop it. Go Scott – do your thing.
„Tanusha. Stop." - I said firmly, grabbing her hand. Wow. That hand stayed all the time on my shoulder, and apparently we both forgot about it. Good. Now i could use physical contact to anchor us. Old trick learned on countless disaster sites – you want someone to focus, hold his or her hand. 'I'm here. I got you.' – does wonders for social animals like humans. As long as i held it, Kayo would listen to me.
„You are absolutely right, Kayo." - Just like she did earlier, i poured all of my soul into my eyes. I had to say what she needed to hear in the right way. I had to make it right. „Trust is a two-way street. If you couldn't trust me earlier, then it means i did something wrong, and failed to secure that trust."
Kayo started shaking her head, but i silenced emerging protest with a light squeeze of my fingers. „You are very good at what you do, Kayo. You think fast, and make right decisions with very little information to work with. Your instincts are exceptional too. You have morals your uncle couldn't even dream of breaking, and a heart in right place. All of this, and a lot more are reasons i know i can trust you. That i can leave lives of everyone i love in your hands. Including your own."
Smile. A real, gentle smile appeared on that beautiful face. I got through to her. Good. But there were two more things to say.
„So, for future reference, and in the case you'll ever have doubts again. If you think something needs to be done? Go for it. I will back you up." Did it work? Did she believe me without a doubt? She nodded, eyes shining with relief. Awesome.
„Just...promise me one thing, okay? I really need to know where you are, and what are you doing. Because this one time your fate was in the hands of your crazy uncle, and i wasn't anywhere close enough to help you? That was one of worst moments of my life, and i went through some awful stuff. Don't do this to me again, please."
That got me a hug. And Kayo laughed into my chest. Butterflies in the stomach? Hah. More like flock of Mothras enthusiastically performing synchronised mating dance. Not for me. Not for...Oh, shut the hell up, brain. Still, i couldn't help but feel a bit ticked off.
„What's so funny?" - i demanded, still failing to attempt to extricate myself from Kayo's embrace. It felt too good, not made of iron – sue me. She looked in my eyes with a weird smile curving her lips. I swear, i've seen identical smiles aimed at me before – but when? Where?
„You looked like an angel in the sky." Oh...huh?
„What?" Silver-tongued Scott Tracy, everyone! Still going strong.
„When Hood's ship moved away, and it revealed One hovering over the Shadow and me? It was like seeing an angel coming to my rescue." - Kayo clarified, with the smile melting into something... tender? I swear, she wasn't embracing me (Still!) all that hard, but i was having trouble breathing nonetheless. What was i saying about excellent shape of my cardiovascular system earlier? Scratch that. One hug of a beautiful woman, and my heart was doing all kinds of weird stuff.
„I'm no angel, Kayo." - I said softly, desperately glad for the half-darkness in the room. It hid my burning face well. „I was late. If not for your uncle, you'd be..."
„Dead." - Kayo finished for me, just as quietly. „And it would be my own fault. Maybe i deserved it, for stupidity and recklesness. But you didn't deserve it, Scott. You did all you could, and more – as always. Now i know you still blame yourself for it, and it's another thing i have to apologise for."
„Apology accepted." - I whispered. Painful knots in my stomach loosened out, taking the nervous tension and energy that kept me too alert away. Reality was settling back in, exhaustion and sadness were pouring back inside me. In the next minute, maybe two we will step apart, and leave to our separate rooms – and i will be left only with a bittersweet memory of her warmth, and smell of floral shampoo on those black, shiny hair.
Love sucks, people. It's worse than a piece of rusty rebar lodged near your heart – and i speak from personal experience here. Damn piece of metal can be removed by skillful, caring hands – thank you, Virgil and Brains for saving my life that day. Love? It's like a harpoon – impossible to remove. You can only wait until enough scar tissue forms around, so it stops hurting so damn much.
„You will always be an angel to me, Scott." - Kayo's soft murmur brought my attention back from the dark corner it wandered off. „As you will be for all the people waiting to be rescued. Have you ever noticed how they smile every time they notice your Thunderbird in the sky? Now i know exactly what they feel." Damn. That was it! That smile Kayo gave me – expression that i grew accustomed to seeing on all the faces present every time One's canopy opens, and i start asking questions and give orders. Hope and gratitude and joy. The reason i get up in a flash every time John calls.
„Earlier i thought i was cursed to have a monster in the family. But when i was falling with the Shadow and that tank, with no way out? I heard you screaming my name, and i realised that i was in fact blessed to have someone caring so much for me. I'm glad to have you, Scott – you are..." - She trailed off, biting her lower lip and i steeled myself for a moment of truth. A brother? A friend? Call it, Kayo – and let's be over with this.
„I don't want to be your sister, Scott!" - I didn't jump at Kayo's outburst – i swear! Still...Huh?
„What do you mean, Kayo?" Oohhh – a full sentence this time. You're on a roll tonight, dude.
„I'm not your sister, Scott Tracy. And i don't want to be one. Adopt Penny if you want one so badly - i want...something...more." - Conversation pretty much stalled at this point – with Kayo looking everywhere but my face. Which severely limited her options, because we were still locked in each other arms – and when exactly did i embrace her back? On the other hand i was utterly fascinated with a dark wave of warmth spreading across her face. Could it mean...No, things like that happen only in tacky TV shows. Where true love conquers all, and the hero always gets the girl. Not in the Life of Scott Tracy.
Say something, moron.
„More...?" Sheesh. And you wonder why you can't get a girlfriend, genius.
„You." Damn. That... Huh. Don't say 'What?'!
„I thought you liked Alan." Muuuch better, Einstein. If i had an audience, people would be applauding sarcastically now.
„I do. As a little brother." This conversation was definitely going in an awesome direction. But...i had to be honest. She deserved a warning. And a choice.
„Kayo, you know how messed up i am. Do you really..."
„Yes. Shut up."
Like i said – awesome. As far as first kisses go, ours was nothing fancy. A bit awkward, a bit shy. She tasted of herbal tea, honey and life. Better than ten hours of sleep and a pot of coffee. Acknowledgement, confirmation and promise rolled into one incredible package.
I'm just a guy. With a life, future and someone willing, wanting to share it with me.