Disclaimer: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and the idea is shamelessly filched from Hunter Thompson.
Summary: James and Sirius, slash, drugs, and flobberworms. What else can you ask of a ride on the Hogwarts Express?
Fear and Loathing
We were somewhere around Newcastle on the edge of England when the drugs began to take hold. I remember Sirius saying something like, "You look a bit pale, James; perhaps you should sit down..." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the air was full of what looked like giant flobberworms, flying at the windows and smearing against the glass, their skin excreting an opaque mucus as they popped. And a voice was screaming: "Good God! What are these bloody animals?"
Sirius peered sideways at me. "What the blazes are you on about?" His dark hair fell in his eyes, which weren't so much eyes as pools of vivid, intense color. I just grunted. No point in mentioning the flobberworms. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
I had saved my money all summer. I had 500 Galleons, most of which was already spent on extremely dangerous drugs. We had two bags of heroin, one hundred and ten mushrooms, eight envelopes of marijuana, three sheets of LSD, a salt shaker of cocaine, and enough uppers and downers to fill the Great Hall. We also had a bottle of Firewhiskey, three cases of Butterbeer, and a pint of raw ether. Not that we would need that much, mind you; it did, however, prove to make the train ride far more enjoyable.
Half of Sirius's body was leaning out the window and he screamed into the wind. His pants had slid down, exposing black silk boxers and part of his crack. "Get down off there, and watch out for the flobberworms!" someone yelled. Sirius fell back onto the seat, sliding half off, gravity forcing his shirt over his head and displaying a deeply-tanned, well-muscled chest, free of hair save for a line that traveled from his navel and down his pants. He recklessly shoved his hand into the bag and pulled out the ether.
Ether was the nastiest. There wasn't anything worse than a man in the midst of an ether binge. We'd gone through a little of each of the other drugs, and I felt for certain Sirius was testing the limits.
Suddenly he fell from the seat and forced himself upwards, staring fearfully at the windows. "Christ!" he shouted. He must see the flobberworms, now. I put my hand on his shoulder and he shrugged it off violently, his head snapping around to glare at me. "We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here now."
Then someone was yelling at him, saying we had to fight. Saying that if the flobberworms got us, then who would defeat Voldemort?
Was that my voice? The vibrations were getting nasty, but why? Something must be done. I grabbed Sirius and hauled him to his feet. Immediately we fell back into the bathroom, the door slamming shut behind us. It was cramped and smelled curiously of alcohol and semen. "Someone's been in here before," I thought, and Sirius nodded.
"Now listen here, Black," I thought. "We're going to find a way out of this cabin. But we have to stay sharp. We can't let our fears get the best of us – Black – BLACK!" Sirius had dropped to his knees and was fuddling with my belt. He couldn't get the clasp undone so he simply yanked my shiny rayon pockets for all they were worth, and the pants slid down. I noticed I wasn't wearing any underwear and –
"HOLY HELLS, WHERE'S MY PENIS?!" I was screaming so loud I was sure the other cars could hear me, but I had to yell over the sound of the flobberworms. Someone was repeating over and over that it was right there, that he was holding it, and it felt like it was there, it felt like it was hard, harder than Babe Ruth's baseball bat, but goddamnit I couldn't see it. Then other parts of me began to disappear, first my feet and then my knees so that my shins were suspended in air, and I just watched in fascination as more fell away into nothingness. And it felt so good – well, Sirius felt good, because I knew he was blowing me but it looked like his head was just bobbing back and forth and Oh, Fuck, I didn't even have pubic hair.
The sound of the flobberworms was deafening and I yelled, "WE'D BETTER MAKE THIS FAST," but I don't think he heard me because he just grinned and shoved a few saliva-laden fingers up my bum and began moving them around. That felt good, and I think I came except I could see it, but I did see Sirius back away and swallow really hard.
He stood and I looked at him and he kissed me, and his tongue was wet and tasted like rum.
"Right, then," he said, fading in and out. "How about we go tackle those flobberworms?"