Apologies for any potential timeline errors or anything along the lines of that. This is written for the pure purpose of amusement, and hopefully it achieves that. This is also composed strictly of personal interviews with the characters . I do not own The Office.
[Set during Season 5. Opens with various shots outside Dunder Mifflin of the building and the parking lot with light snow flurries. Michael is seen hurrying into work with a large parka. Camera cuts to Michael in his office.]
Michael: You know, it's that time of year again when everything's just starting to get duuull and naaasty and it's all snowy outside and you know what? [leans back in chair with a sense of authority] Adults don't like snow. They really don't. I mean, it's just depressing seeing all those little, fluffy, powdery [gestures hands through the air as he grows slightly flustered]…things falling down like the sky. [chuckles, wiping at his forehead with his hand, glancing down] Just depressing.
Jim: When Michael says he's going to cheer everyone up, I usually start reviewing the quickest way to the fire escape in my head. [shrugs at camera] You know, just in case.
Michael: [points outside office door] Those people out there are becoming madmen! It's like…cabin fever. Only this is office fever. And it's like [looks up as he conjures up a number] ten times more deadly. No, what those people need is…[throws hands up, signifying that the result is simple and triumph has been achieved] a distraction. I mean, [leans in slightly for emphasis] what does Make a Wish do when those cancer victims find out they only have a month to live? It takes them to Disney World or buys them a car. Point being, it distracts them! [sits back in chair again, shrugging modestly] I mean, it's genius. Just genius.
Dwight: I don't want to come off as conceited, but I can officially confirm that Michael has given [points to himself] this guy right here, a promotion. Now, I not only answer to the title of Assistant to the Regional Manager, but also to the title of Private Reporter. [bobs head smugly] Yeah, you heard right. Private Reporter Dwight here to give you all the dirty details of Dunder Mifflin. If I were you, I'd make sure any traffic violations, medical records, and personal blogs were removed from the internet A.S.A.P..
Michael: [opens hands dramatically] Newspaper. Who does not read the newspaper? I'll tell you-no one! Because everyone reads the newspaper! I mean, it's like distraction meets perfection! [leans back, chuckling] I have to pat myself on the back for this one because this is a Dunder Mifflin first. [leans forward again] You tell me one paper company that has had their own newspaper before, full of the latest [counts out on fingers] gossip, rumors, possible truths…theories. Hmm? Can't name one, can you? [pauses, then exhales slowly] I mean, yes, paper companies do supply the paper used in newspapers on occasion, but this is totally different. Totally my idea; I did not take it from that.
Pam: [holds up newspaper titled The Daily Dunder and stares at it silently for a few moments before acknowledging the camera] I really don't know what to say about this.
Ryan: [also holds up newspaper] You know, speaking from my past experiences with laws, [pauses, looking at the camera as he thinks] I'm preeetty sure this breaks more than one of them.
Michael: [proudly] Yeah, I put Dwight on [makes air quotations with fingers] "journalist duty" to get me some dirt. I put my own spin on a few things, you know, just to keep things interesting. But you know the best part? [leans close to camera, lowers voice] The entire newspaper is totally anonymous! [leans back again, speaking normally] So I mean yeah, I probably won't get the credit, at least not at first, for my own brilliance, but you know, there are more important things in life. [points outside office] I don't want them to think that I'm doing this for them. I want them to just enjoy themselves, have a nice read, and learn a thing or two about each other.
Jim: [examining cover of newspaper] Now one thing that is kind of interesting is that Pam and I did make the cover. [holds up newspaper, displaying badly photoshopped picture of the two of them] I mean I think she was, what twelve in this class picture? [points to himself] And then there's me. Kindergarten class of '89. [sets newspaper aside] Apparently, she was my babysitter, and it was love at first sight, even though…I'm actually older than she is. [sits back in chair, pretending to think deeply] You know, I guess I was just too young to remember.
Andy: [throws newspaper in air angrily] You know, I don't know how many times I'm gonna have to say it, but I am [starts to shout] NOT GAY! I mean, [clenches fists and looks away from camera] that just makes me so angry! [looks back at camera, still shouting] I just really like hugs, okay? [gestures to himself angrily] I'm a cuddly guy!
Meredith: [looks at camera in disbelief] I did not name my son Chardonnay. [pauses, trying to remember name] His name is…Jake. Yes, Jake.
Angela: [wipes her eyes with hands, tears visible as she struggles to keep her voice from trembling] Sprinkles was my best friend. And I [voice cracks as she shouts the word "know"] know that I did not kill her in my sleep! [starts sobbing] I mean, why would someone even say such a thing?
Stanley: [in a monotone] I did not arrive in this country on a slave ship from Africa and no, I do not have A.I.D.S..
Michael: [grinning proudly] I mean, what can I say? Some guys just have the gift of knowing what people want and how to give it to them. [chuckles]
[Cut to The Office Theme.]