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Because there is nothing like a bit of procrastination.
All I can do is sit there.
Just sit there and watch as you once again fly off to save the day. You venture out into the unknown, the only certainty being that danger will be present and that your life will be at risk. You do it anyway. Every single time, without fail, you will do it. I know you always will. Just the same way I knew what your answer would be when I first presented you with this crazy scheme that became our life.
Deep down, I thought all along you would accept it. You always had the need to protect others, ever since you first became a big brother and understood the concept of responsibility. You took on that role time after time, never needing to be asked, never having to be reminded about what that duty entailed. It was almost instinct to you, to be there when they needed you regardless of what you were doing. Each brother that came along only heightened your need to prove yourself. Who to, I never knew. Certainly not your mother and I, we knew the type of man you would become from the very first time you opened your eyes. It was as if you had to prove it to yourself.
I hope you have done, son. I hope you have proved it a thousand times over. Every time you take control of a situation, every time you risk your life and those closest to you, you are showing the world what sort of person you are.
That was how I knew what your answer would have been. You've always needed to help, and this gave you a way that no others could dream of. You knew nothing would compare, and you knew they wouldn't be able to do it without you. They might have flown out there even if you weren't there to guide them. But you wouldn't have been able to protect them unless you were there too, and that dictated your answer. You couldn't risk them being out there without you, it was too dangerous.
But I still feared you would say no.
I knew what that would mean for the others. You worried they would be going without you, but you didn't realise. I knew though. I knew that if you had not agreed to my plans, neither would they. They have always looked up to you and followed you, more than I could ever ask they do for me. You were there when no one else was, you inspired them and encouraged them in the way that I should have done. But I didn't…and now I sit there and watch as they follow your lead. It wasn't me that they said yes to when they agreed to do this. It was you. It was their way of proving to you that you had instilled in them the need to do good in the same manner that you did.
If you had said no, everything would have collapsed. Did you ever know how much depended on what syllable left your mouth that day? Probably not if I know you – and I believe I do. You don't realise how much they look to you, you only see the moments they need you.
Now you have gone on to see those moments in the rest of the world as well. You know when the world needs you. I'm sure sometimes you know seconds before the alarm sounds, as if that same instinct that sends you running to your brothers' aid has extended to the world as a whole. You're out there before I've finished briefing, and I know I have no reason to stop you. You know what you are doing, you always have done. Perhaps even more than I do, and this whole scheme was supposed to be my idea.
That haunts me sometimes. I sit here and watch as you fly off to risk your life. I know you know what you are doing, and I know that you would never put anyone in harm's way. Apart from yourself. If you think there is a chance that you can get to one more person, you do it. That scares me. What have I asked of my sons that I know they are going into danger and I'm doing nothing to stop it? I should be the one protecting you all, and yet I know the best way I can offer that protection is by letting you take the lead. You keep them safe physically while you are out there, and I know it is your words that keep their hearts and minds safe when you return.
How can I ask for more from my Field Commander?
I tell myself that I don't, that I never would expect anything more from you. But we both know that is a lie. We both know that you will fly out time after time regardless of what anyone says, and that I will just sit here and expect you to do that. The day you don't is the day that I know I have lost you. For that will be the day when I can no longer predict what is going through your head, and without knowing that I know very little. You have been the one thing that I could rely on no matter what happens.
So that is why I can only sit here and watch as you fly off. I know you are going to save the day and I know many lives will be spared because of your actions, you and your brothers. But I'm content to sit here and watch, because I also know that you will make sure you bring everyone home again. That is the promise I know you have made yourself and that is the promise that I place my hope in.
I can sit here and watch as you leave because I know one thing is for sure.
I'll be sitting here watching as you come home again.