"Today on Maury, we've got Jedi, Wizards, and much more looking to solve matters of their family life. First we have a Sith Lord from the planet Tattooine who believes his wife cheated on him with his best friend but knows that his son is his...give it up for Darth Vader, everybody."

*Darth Vader strides out and sits in chair* "So, Darth, you and the others backstage agreed to a paternity, are you ready to see the results?"

*heavy breathing* "I find your lack of faith disturbing..."

"Oookaaay. Darth Vader, When it comes to 18 year old Luke Skywalker...You are NOT the father. "

"Nooooooooooooooo!" *building shakes*

"Obi-Wan Kenobi, When it comes to 18 year old Luke Skywalker...You are NOT the father. No suprise there, he's a sith lord, after all."

"My dear Maury, sith lords are our Specialty...He was my brother, Anakin."

"Um...not sure how to respond to that. Emperor Palpatine When it comes to 18 year old Luke Skywalker...You are NOT the father. Um...but the DNA analyst wrote a little note saying you ARE the father of Princess Leia Organa!"

"She will experience the full power of the darkside!"

"Please...wait until commercial for that...Yoda, When it comes to 18 year old Luke Skywalker...You ARE the father!"

"Do. Or Do not. There is no try."

"Ok...we'll be back after the break...with a wizard orphan whose life was recently cast into doubt..."

"ok we're back! Harry Potter recently experiened some doubt about his family...here's harry and snape!"

"Get out of my head!"

"The dark lord will not be as merciful!"

"Shut up! My father was a good man!"

"Your father was a swine!"

"Sooooo...let's get onto the test results...when it comes to 15 year old Harry Potter...James you are NOT the father! Sirius, When it comes to 15 year old Harry Potter...you are NOT the father. Remus, When it comes to 15 year old Harry Potter...you are NOT the father! Severus, When it comes to 15 year old Harry Potter...you ARE the father!"

"I killed Sirius Black! You coming to get me...?

"Crucio!"

"You've got to mean it, Harry..."

"WTF! Where'd Bellatrix Lestrange and HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED come from? Well...that's it for this time...tune in next week for A Brilliant British Intervention...Where we attempt to get Sherlock Holmes, John Constantine, and- WTF! Tony Stark's not British!-Um...Tony Stark, I guess...off of their drugs of choice."