She did not feel like a queen.
Kairi was just Kairi. A red-haired, blue-eyed little girl with big dreams and a big heart. She was quick-witted and cheerful; stubborn and loyal; a kind and caring friend.
Well... She was.
Kairi wasn't the same. She didn't feel the same. Something inside her was missing; something within her had died, something she didn't want to let go of.
But she had to. She had to let go.
After the ordeal with Organization XIII, Kairi couldn't imagine going back to the islands. Her heart was filled with too much pain, and those islands--the haven she once called home--were nothing but a reminder of what she was missing. The sky was so blue there; the sandy earth so soft, the ocean so calming.
Kairi couldn't have the sky or the land anymore. She didn't want to see what was no longer there. But try as she might, she couldn't escape the sea. It was always there, drowning her, pulling her with its receding tides; it was within her, deep within her, every part of her existence.
The world of Radiant Garden suited Kairi now. Nothing about the place was radiant, nor were there any gardens (save for Aeris' tiny, pitiful patch of grass and pink carnations, the patch she so lovingly tended to day after day). The sky was always a smoky gray; the ground, barren and blue concrete. The sky never smiled down upon her here; the land was cracked beneath her feet, dry and unstable.
Fitting.
Leon had come to her some time after the great ordeal. He must have been waiting for her heart to heal; but it never quite mended. His words to her were unusually soft, as if he was afraid she would break like the grounds they lived upon; cloud over like the dead, gray sky above them.
He told her that the world was revived and restored. The construction stage was over. They were ready to be a real world again.
He reminded her that they had no real leader. They'd been a monarchy, once; back when the world truly was Radiant, truly was covered in Gardens. Ansem the Wise had once been the ruler; and his father before him, and his mother before him, and her mother before her, and her father before her.
In light of restoration, the world's traditions of old, it only made sense that Kairi should be next.
She was too young, she once would have said; too inexperienced, too immature. Not anymore. Losing everything you've ever had--remembering what you lost in order to obtain it--had shaped her from a girl to a woman.
Sixteen was too old to be a woman. Too old to be a queen.
But when Leon asked her if she was willing, she didn't voice any of these thoughts. She closed her eyes for a while--two seconds--and slowly smiled. Her smiles had never been so thoughtful before; so reluctant, and so heavy. Not the way they were now.
She'd accepted his offer. It was the least she could do to make up for everything lost--and it was all she could do to try and restore some sense of hope.
The day came for Kairi's coronation; the day to announce her rise to the throne. She didn't feel nervous, but calm and thoughtful, even somewhat detached. Aeris helped her into the beautiful white gown she would wear that day; the first of many regal gowns to come. Kairi missed her purple skirts and white tank tops; her pink jumper, her blue-and-white school uniform. She missed playing in the sand underneath the warm sun; laughing and playing, hiding and seeking...
All it took was a soft blink, and the feelings went away.
She hated that she was learning to let go. She didn't want to forget, to pretend the best three years of her life never happened. But she didn't want to feel this terrible pain anymore.
She had no other choice.
The gown was white. Aeris tied all the right ribbons, swept Kairi's hair from her neck, and put her hands on the young queen's shoulders; her grip as warm as a mother's. Kairi saw Aeris smile at her in the tall, standing mirror. Kairi couldn't help but think that Aeris' smile was a little pensive; a little apologetic.
Aeris shared all her sentiments; Kairi knew. She knew even when the woman never said a word. No wonder Kairi enjoyed her presence so much; they didn't need to talk in order to communicate.
Aeris closed her eyes and draped her arms over Kairi's shoulders, hugging her from behind. "He'd be very proud of you," she said.
Kairi knew she meant Ansem--her father--and felt her heart twist with guilt. She wished she'd never lied to the boys when they asked her where she came from, whether she had any parents. She was so angry with the man at the time; for ignoring her, for letting his apprentice bring him to shame and steal his legacy. It was an immature, childish anger, but it was all she had to cling to...
Now that it was gone, she felt nothing but horror and remorse. She should have spoken to him, just one last time.
Aeris must have known what she was thinking, because Kairi felt her hug tighten; felt the maternal woman leave a kiss on her cheek. Kairi wondered if her mother had been like Aeris. She would have liked a mother like Aeris.
And then came the time to take her stand on the castle's Great Crest--to address the citizens of Radiant Garden and declare herself queen. Kairi wasn't sure she could bear living in the castle without breaking down. It was repaired past its ruin, good as new, but the memories that haunted the castle halls were heart-wrenching specters of longing and shame. She was eleven the last time she'd lived within these walls.
She wondered if she could stay living with Aeris and Yuffie, even as a queen.
Kairi took her place before the accumulating crowd, their murmurings hushed as she made her appearance. She smiled around at everyone--that kind, too-old smile she'd developed, devoid of the mischievous warmth that once lay beneath--and finally became aware that their eyes were on her. She owed it to them not to mess this up. They'd gone through so many hardships in the past; now they needed someone to take care of them.
Kairi spoke. And spoke. She told them she would be their mother now; she would lift their burdens onto her shoulders, keep them safe and happy and free. And she--
She paused. She saw Tifa and Yuffie out of the corner of her eye; Tifa smiled, listened intently with folded arms; Yuffie rolled onto her heels and grinned, waving--hitting someone in the head by accident.
Kairi laughed with her audience. Laughter was so scarce nowadays; she felt her heart jump-start, a glimmer of hope forming in its corners.
And then came her last words. Silence fell once more; she gripped her podium loosely with her hands, smiling; she reached up and brushed hair away from her eyes. Her eyes trailed across the audience meaningfully; she opened her mouth to speak--
What would Sora and Riku say if they saw her here? Riku would laugh at the idea of Kairi being a queen. "What kind of queen acts like a boy?" he would ask. Kairi would ball her hands into fists and huff indignantly; Sora would laugh apologetically; "Sorry, Kairi, but it's true. You're such a tomboy." And then they'd both get a good whap over the heads; and they'd all laugh. Together.
Together...
Kairi choked.
She glimpsed Aeris to the left of her, stepping forward with concern; pulling back, uncertain, watching Kairi's every move. She heard a faint, whisper-soft murmur ripple through her audience. She felt dizzy. She lifted a hand to her head, closing her eyes; shielding them from the world.
When she closed her eyes, she could see them, clear as day. She saw Sora and his goofy grin; his baby face and red swimming trunks, his hopelessly messy hair. His shoes were four sizes too big. She saw Riku with that cocky smile of his, a hand on his hip; the smile turned into a smirk, arrogant, but the laughter in his bright green eyes betrayed his true demeanor...
But they weren't there. They were gone--gone forever, trapped behind the Door to Darkness.
Tears streaked freely down Kairi's face, her shoulders shaking with sobs. It was the first time she'd cried in a year.
She couldn't do this.
She tore away from the podium and turned around; she tripped over her long, white dress, tore furiously at the bottom until it ripped and fell away. She raced inside, into the castle that harbored her darkest feelings. She heard Aeris and Yuffie call out her name. Someone was running after her, she was sure, but she put on a burst of speed-- a leftover from her sunny, active island days--and quickly threw them off.
Sora and Riku were gone, fading into darkness.
Sora and Riku were her heart.
Kairi was nothing without her heart. Kairi wasn't herself anymore, and Kairi certainly wasn't a queen.
She wasn't even a princess.
If I get bored, I'll continue this. Maybe even switch over to what's going on with Riku and Sora. I doubt it though.