Title: Life With Out Love
Author: Laumae
Email: loemae@yahoo.com
Category/Pairings: Romance, hurt, Dan/Jan
Spoilers: Season seven heroes
Season: 7
Rating: g
Content Warnings: none
Summary: How does Daniel cope immediately after the death
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, names, titles, they belong to mgm, gekko, etc.
Archive: Gateworld, and fanfiction.net.
Author's Note: I just wrote this down in 20 minutes, I don't want any criticism on this one, I did my best. If you don't like it that is your prerogative, but I would like to say that it is hard to write when you are crying. I would appreciate feedback. Thanks.
*******************************
"You are not going to die." Janet reassured Wells. Daniel looked on knowing that nothing worse would happen. The patient was stabilized now, the worst was over.
He was wrong. He heard the staff open, he heard it fly passed his head, he saw it hit Janet, but he did not believe it. He *could* not believe it.
He witnessed another blast. "NO!" He yelled. "God no! Get a medical team here stat! *Get a Medical Team!*" He was crying, uncontrollably crying. He checked her pulse, nothing. "No, Janet. Don't do this! God! No!" He said over and over again. The med team arrived, and carried Wells away. They said there was nothing they could do for Janet, she was already dead.
Daniel closed his eyes, hoping this was all just some horrible nightmare. Then it hit him in full blast. Janet was dead. He would never see her again, just like he would never see Sha're again. They were gone.
Some one was shaking him. Trying to get him to stand up and run through the gate. It was an ambush and they were loosing. Daniel just sat there, with Janet's hand cradled in his'. He was shaking. How could this have happened? He thought all would be safe. He was wrong so dreadfully wrong. The fighting continued. All around him he could hear the staffs and guns firing. He refused to open his eyes. He bent down and grasped the lifeless form in his arms. *She* was dead. He cradled the corpse hoping that maybe he could switch places with it.
How many people had Janet saved in her life? Daniel wanted more than anything to give her the chance to save more. As guns fired, and someone was yelling at him to move out, he just sat there rocking, with the dead body of Dr. Fraiser in his arms, and a steady stream of tears flowing down his cheeks.
Who ever it was behind him, grabbed him and started dragging him to the gate. Daniel tried to fight it, but he was overpowered. When a staff blast cam a little too close for comfort, he got up and started running for himself. The officer that had been dragging him had his camera in his hands with the other medical equipment.
He dove through the gate. He didn't even stop to see if anyone needed something. He grabbed his camera and ran to his lab. He didn't know what to do with the thing. He didn't know what he had actually gotten, and what he hadn't. He locked it up in his desk drawer.
"How could I let this happen? I was right there. Right there, if only I had reacted quicker I could've pulled her down. I could've . . . oh God! She's dead. No! No! No!" He buried his face in his palms. He couldn't stop shaking. He just kept replaying it though his mind.
He was covered in her blood. He couldn't stop seeing her lifeless body seeping in blood, with holes in her stomach. He had to get it off him, he had to get clean. Maybe it was all a dream. He kept telling himself that it was all a dream, he would wake up, Janet would be there.
He scrubbed, and scrubbed. He never seemed clean enough. He scrubbed until it hurt, and even then he didn't want to stop. He resignedly turned off the faucet, and just stood there for a few minutes with his face towards the ceiling, wishing that the ground would swallow him up, and not leave him there to be forced to live with out, yet another, precious loved one. How could he face life, knowing that Janet wouldn't be there anymore for the post mission checkups, she wouldn't be there to prescribe another antihistamine for him, she wouldn't be there to sew him back up, or to just talk to when you were feeling bad. She wouldn't be *there*.
All his fantasies about one day telling her how he felt, all the times he could've, all the times he should've, were all gone. She would never know how he felt, and he would be left with the sinking feeling that she might've felt he same, that she had died and she never knew how grateful he was to her, she had died and he never told he loved her.
He got out of the shower and dressed mechanically. He put his blood covered garments in the proper 'receptacles'. It was no longer the time for crying. He knew it would serve no good. Another one of his loves was dead, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing at all.
**********************
That night he stayed awake thinking. Replaying in his mind what had happened like a broken record.
"Janet, I could've saved you, but I didn't act fast enough. I could've told you a thousand times, but I never took even one opportunity to do so. I heard and saw you die. I held you in my arms. I know you are dead, but I never want to have to believe it. Oh god, Janet! You're dead. I never said 'I love you'. I should've, maybe you might've someday even returned the phrase. I never gave you the opportunity to love again. You were a divorced single mother, and I never once gave you the chance to change that. I could've helped you, could've made you happy. But I was too selfish, and now you're dead, and my selfishness has made me pay the price. I was too scared to tell you how I felt, I didn't want to get hurt, and now I am paying the ultimate price."
The tears streamed peacefully down the curve of his cheek. It unknowingly did its job, with out thought or care of what happened around it. It slid off his chin, and ended its life as the shirt Daniel was wearing absorbed it. Then the sad brothers of this tear did the same.
A hand touched his shoulder. He jumped.
"It's all right Daniel. I'm not going to hurt you." Said the shaky voice all too well familiar to him. He turned around to see her crying as well. He took her hand.
"I am so helpless. I could've saved you, if I had just been quicker-" His voice broke.
She touched his face. "No, Daniel. You couldn't have saved me." He looked up into her lovely brown eyes. He saw her tears falling and joining his own. "You did what you could. Don't blame yourself. I forgive you Daniel. I forgive you for not being *able* to act fast enough. I am not going to look back on my death and say that you should've acted faster. I will look back and say -" She stopped as her voice began to quiver with her tears, " I will say Daniel, 'There is the man I love, and he did everything he could to keep from loosing me.' And I will know that you always tried to make mine and Cassie's lives just a little bit easier." She was sobbing now.
"I know you have to go, I just want to tell you before you go. I love you Janet, and I am so sorry I didn't tell you before. I should've."
"I love you Daniel."
"Do you have to go? Can't you stay here for a little while?" Daniel pleaded.
"No my love, I have to go now." She leaned down and kissed him gently.
"Will you ever come back to me?" Daniel asked sobbing.
"I don't know, I love you Daniel. Good bye." With that she was gone.
For years after that Daniel often wondered about that night. Had she been just a figment of his imagination, or had she really ascended? He never told anyone about that night. He just held it close to his heart.
End.
Author: Laumae
Email: loemae@yahoo.com
Category/Pairings: Romance, hurt, Dan/Jan
Spoilers: Season seven heroes
Season: 7
Rating: g
Content Warnings: none
Summary: How does Daniel cope immediately after the death
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, names, titles, they belong to mgm, gekko, etc.
Archive: Gateworld, and fanfiction.net.
Author's Note: I just wrote this down in 20 minutes, I don't want any criticism on this one, I did my best. If you don't like it that is your prerogative, but I would like to say that it is hard to write when you are crying. I would appreciate feedback. Thanks.
*******************************
"You are not going to die." Janet reassured Wells. Daniel looked on knowing that nothing worse would happen. The patient was stabilized now, the worst was over.
He was wrong. He heard the staff open, he heard it fly passed his head, he saw it hit Janet, but he did not believe it. He *could* not believe it.
He witnessed another blast. "NO!" He yelled. "God no! Get a medical team here stat! *Get a Medical Team!*" He was crying, uncontrollably crying. He checked her pulse, nothing. "No, Janet. Don't do this! God! No!" He said over and over again. The med team arrived, and carried Wells away. They said there was nothing they could do for Janet, she was already dead.
Daniel closed his eyes, hoping this was all just some horrible nightmare. Then it hit him in full blast. Janet was dead. He would never see her again, just like he would never see Sha're again. They were gone.
Some one was shaking him. Trying to get him to stand up and run through the gate. It was an ambush and they were loosing. Daniel just sat there, with Janet's hand cradled in his'. He was shaking. How could this have happened? He thought all would be safe. He was wrong so dreadfully wrong. The fighting continued. All around him he could hear the staffs and guns firing. He refused to open his eyes. He bent down and grasped the lifeless form in his arms. *She* was dead. He cradled the corpse hoping that maybe he could switch places with it.
How many people had Janet saved in her life? Daniel wanted more than anything to give her the chance to save more. As guns fired, and someone was yelling at him to move out, he just sat there rocking, with the dead body of Dr. Fraiser in his arms, and a steady stream of tears flowing down his cheeks.
Who ever it was behind him, grabbed him and started dragging him to the gate. Daniel tried to fight it, but he was overpowered. When a staff blast cam a little too close for comfort, he got up and started running for himself. The officer that had been dragging him had his camera in his hands with the other medical equipment.
He dove through the gate. He didn't even stop to see if anyone needed something. He grabbed his camera and ran to his lab. He didn't know what to do with the thing. He didn't know what he had actually gotten, and what he hadn't. He locked it up in his desk drawer.
"How could I let this happen? I was right there. Right there, if only I had reacted quicker I could've pulled her down. I could've . . . oh God! She's dead. No! No! No!" He buried his face in his palms. He couldn't stop shaking. He just kept replaying it though his mind.
He was covered in her blood. He couldn't stop seeing her lifeless body seeping in blood, with holes in her stomach. He had to get it off him, he had to get clean. Maybe it was all a dream. He kept telling himself that it was all a dream, he would wake up, Janet would be there.
He scrubbed, and scrubbed. He never seemed clean enough. He scrubbed until it hurt, and even then he didn't want to stop. He resignedly turned off the faucet, and just stood there for a few minutes with his face towards the ceiling, wishing that the ground would swallow him up, and not leave him there to be forced to live with out, yet another, precious loved one. How could he face life, knowing that Janet wouldn't be there anymore for the post mission checkups, she wouldn't be there to prescribe another antihistamine for him, she wouldn't be there to sew him back up, or to just talk to when you were feeling bad. She wouldn't be *there*.
All his fantasies about one day telling her how he felt, all the times he could've, all the times he should've, were all gone. She would never know how he felt, and he would be left with the sinking feeling that she might've felt he same, that she had died and she never knew how grateful he was to her, she had died and he never told he loved her.
He got out of the shower and dressed mechanically. He put his blood covered garments in the proper 'receptacles'. It was no longer the time for crying. He knew it would serve no good. Another one of his loves was dead, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing at all.
**********************
That night he stayed awake thinking. Replaying in his mind what had happened like a broken record.
"Janet, I could've saved you, but I didn't act fast enough. I could've told you a thousand times, but I never took even one opportunity to do so. I heard and saw you die. I held you in my arms. I know you are dead, but I never want to have to believe it. Oh god, Janet! You're dead. I never said 'I love you'. I should've, maybe you might've someday even returned the phrase. I never gave you the opportunity to love again. You were a divorced single mother, and I never once gave you the chance to change that. I could've helped you, could've made you happy. But I was too selfish, and now you're dead, and my selfishness has made me pay the price. I was too scared to tell you how I felt, I didn't want to get hurt, and now I am paying the ultimate price."
The tears streamed peacefully down the curve of his cheek. It unknowingly did its job, with out thought or care of what happened around it. It slid off his chin, and ended its life as the shirt Daniel was wearing absorbed it. Then the sad brothers of this tear did the same.
A hand touched his shoulder. He jumped.
"It's all right Daniel. I'm not going to hurt you." Said the shaky voice all too well familiar to him. He turned around to see her crying as well. He took her hand.
"I am so helpless. I could've saved you, if I had just been quicker-" His voice broke.
She touched his face. "No, Daniel. You couldn't have saved me." He looked up into her lovely brown eyes. He saw her tears falling and joining his own. "You did what you could. Don't blame yourself. I forgive you Daniel. I forgive you for not being *able* to act fast enough. I am not going to look back on my death and say that you should've acted faster. I will look back and say -" She stopped as her voice began to quiver with her tears, " I will say Daniel, 'There is the man I love, and he did everything he could to keep from loosing me.' And I will know that you always tried to make mine and Cassie's lives just a little bit easier." She was sobbing now.
"I know you have to go, I just want to tell you before you go. I love you Janet, and I am so sorry I didn't tell you before. I should've."
"I love you Daniel."
"Do you have to go? Can't you stay here for a little while?" Daniel pleaded.
"No my love, I have to go now." She leaned down and kissed him gently.
"Will you ever come back to me?" Daniel asked sobbing.
"I don't know, I love you Daniel. Good bye." With that she was gone.
For years after that Daniel often wondered about that night. Had she been just a figment of his imagination, or had she really ascended? He never told anyone about that night. He just held it close to his heart.
End.