Emptiness
Utter and complete emptiness. I had nothing and no one. Even in death Sebastian was still winning the game. To think that not too long ago I was better at this than him. I'm not ashamed to accept the fact that I miss him. I miss him so much that it causes me physical pain.
Since the accident happened I haven't left his room, I've slept in his room every night. It's been 6 months and she hadn't gotten over it. She didn't know how
My mother has given up in me ever since the scandal at the school she doesn't know what to do with me. She's amazed and disgusted at me from what she read in the journals.
"You're a complete different person from the girl I raised". My mother said in front of all the wondering eyes. I thought to myself no, you didn't raise me. You weren't a mother to me. She's left me all alone to fend from myself. Her and Edward have grown rather close since Sebastian's death, I'm shocked. Their marriage was deteriorating but now they went off to a "grieving getaway". And left me all alone in this house. Maybe they think I can't do more damage to myself or my reputation since I'm so depressed.
They're all fucking idiots. Every single last one of them. Including Annette Hardgrove. She left the city right after she killed my reputation and what was worse is that she took Sebastian's car with her which is rightfully mine. Now I have nothing of him just his bitter possessions and his room which still smells like him.
Funny how in society I'm the pariah and he's the hero. He's the one who went through with the plan. I'm not the only manipulator. He manipulated Annette into falling for him, the hick only saw the best parts of Sebastian. Anyone can love a mirage. But I know the worst parts of him. I've always known them. How he ruthlessly takes and takes and doesn't stop taking. Sebastian is -was cruel like me. He took so much from me. We were one in the same. He kept saying that in his journal. Despite what he wrote about me being a Benedict bitch and a bulimic whore he still loved me. He loved my dark parts.
Honestly all in all Sebastian did me a favor I don't have to hide who I am anymore. People look at me with disdain but I know they're still afraid of me. I don't care if all my dirty laundry was out , not anymore. Nothing mattered.
I am Kathryn Merteuil and even though I have mascara running down my cheeks I still look undefeated. Because like Sebastian said in his journal as I grab the copy of it from his desk and read it to myself aloud.
"There has never been a single person in human existence quite like My love, Kathryn. Stunning to look at, and exciting to be near - cold as ice. She cares about absolutely no one but herself. This girl has elevated self-absorption into an art form. She believes in nothing and laughs in the face of sadness, faith, and sincerity. A person solely observing her and having seen the damage she's done to so many lives would most likely classify her as evil. She scoffs at any and every type of religion, all the while manipulating others by using the idea of being religious all to her advantage. She'll steal monetarily or emotionally from anyone who crosses her path, spend night after night in drunken, drug-induced debauchery, but lives this other life as the consummate perfect angel. She is in a sense brilliant, as evidenced by the fact that she has indeed completely fooled each person she has ever had to–except me–and she knows it. We are very similar people except I have a heart, and from time to time, actually feel emotion Kathryn does not. I have seen her break the spirits of others, cheat on anyone supposedly important to her, and all these things are done without so much as a second thought."
Yes , his queer diary it's about his conquests but I'm rather surprised just how much he wrote about me. That's why I was always so desperate to read it. He wrote beautifully. Yes what Annette printed wasn't the most flattering thing and it broke my heart that he didn't really know.
Sebastian was right in a lot of things, there has and will never be anyone like me. I would blame my absent mother or my father who committed suicide. I could blame Court for raping me, that was the real reason why I wanted to get my revenge on him. I never told that to Sebastian. But my life isn't a sob story. Yes I enjoy in making people feel miserable. And I am not a victim of circumstances. I chose to be this way. And Sebastian chose me he always chose me , he always came back to me except four weeks ago when we declared war. Truth is I love him. I love Sebastian. I've always been in love with him. Couldn't he see that I do feel. I'm not a robot. He denied me once for little miss Southern bore. I thought rejecting him and calling him a toy was what I had to do. I was jealous. I hated that little bitch. So being the self destructive person that I am. I had to ruin Sebastian. I just had to ruin us. But I never meant to hurt him. This wasn't supposed to end like this.
I need something to calm my nerves. I got up and went to Sebastian's desk again. I know in the front drawer he kept his stash. I opened it. And there it was. Sebastian's weed. He had joints prepared and all. I preferred cocaine. But from time and time again Sebastian and I smoked pot together. We would laugh and dance and hug. It was a dream when we would get high together. I light the joint and take the first hit. I needed something stronger. Thought my mother had thrown my stash I had always hidden a little bag in Sebastian's room. The idiot never found it. It was in his bookshelf next to his desk , inside a book his father gave him for Christmas. He never opened it. It was the perfect spot. I took out an almost identical rosary except I never used this one because of how hollow it was. Sat on his chair and drew a line of coke in his desk. I wonder what would Sebastian say if he saw me. My messy hair, makeup running all over my face. As I finished the lines. I knew I was already high. Being high kept me from feeling too much. It numbed me I always craved that numbness. Now I don't need to be high. I'm numb all the time.
Sex and power were my religion but Sebastian was my faith.
The relationship Sebastian and I had was sacred, so hard to replace. And we managed to screw it up with the stupid bet. He was right. He told me about the damage I could cause. I would've never imagined the damage I caused us.
He isn't here anymore. He doesn't sneak into my bedroom and climb into my bed next to me. When we slept together it was completely innocent. The most innocent moments we had. He would hold me. And I would feel safe.
My mind drifted to the first time Sebastian and I shared the same bed.
It was when our parents had just married. I was fourteen and he was fifteen. Even then I was starting to become the bitch I am now. I ignored all of his advances to get me to have sex with him. But one day my mother and Edward came back suddenly from their honeymoon. It was my dad. He had committed suicide. My mother didn't know how to grief or cuddle me. Edward only told me I was going to be alright and gave me a pat in the back. I was in awe at how everyone in that house was ignoring my father's death. Except Sebastian. One night he just came into my room. Asked if he could lay down with me and held me while I sobbed. We never talked about that again. He knew how much I didn't want him to think I was weak. So he never mentioned our innocent sleepovers. It didn't seem like us to be affectionate unless we were teasing each other. But when he would come into my room , laid next to me and played with my hair. It was like it was just us in the world.
A tear ran down my cheek. I can't be in his arms anymore. I didn't accept Sebastian's death for two weeks. My mother slapped me after when I didn't cry in the funeral. That I wasn't grieving like a sister should. She knows what Sebastian means to me. My mother and I have a strange relationship. I think she cares but she's one of the people who wasn't meant to be a mother. She had me at sixteen for Christ sakes. I don't blame her anymore. And from time and time again she made remarks about how I was a mistake but she had turned me into "her perfect porcelain doll".
"I can't see your face Katie, I'm sorry but Edward and I need some time alone. Im really disappointed in you and your brother, Edward is distraught."
Edward tried convincing me to go to a rehab center for trouble young adults but I would always tell Edward that I couldn't leave the house not yet. Say what you want about the bastard. But he did love his son. I never had a relationship with Edward since he was always out screwing his secretary. But this month Edward had tried to be a father to me. I was uncomfortable. I didn't know how to react when he started crying in his study in front of me. He wanted to tell me that I was next in line to be his heir. I was shocked at the sentiment. Frankly I thought he wanted something from me but he didn't.
" I know how much he loved you Kathryn and I also know how much he wanted me to take care of you. He left me a letter a rather dramatic one. " He chuckled. "Eighteen years old and didn't fear an impending death. He left me a letter." Edward said.
"Why would he do that , he hated me". I told Edward.
"I don't know what was going on between you two but I've already lost one child and I don't plan to lose the next. I've been married to your mother for some time now but I've known you since you were a baby. And I'm in need of an heir for the Valmont enterprise. My enemies and chairs of the company will try to manipulate me now that I've lost him. So I need you sign those papers stating that I adopt you and your name will be Kathryn Valmont and you will now own Sebastian's share of the company "
"And if i don't want to be a Valmont?" I was increasingly suspicious, Edward never took an interest on me before.
"Then I'll tell your mother to send you off to a rehabilitation center and it won't just be six months." Edward said in a warning tone
"You don't feel sorry for me, you want to use me so you don't lose control of the company." I told him
At the end I agreed. It didn't matter what my last name was and if I could help Sebastian's father maybe Sebastian where ever he was would forgive me.
I understand the people around me more and more. Before Sebastian was the voice of reason. Now I have to be my own. How fucking annoying.
"Oh Sebastian , I hope you fucking can see me now. You fucking piece of shit ! This wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have run after her."
Ronald called me right when the accident happened he told me Sebastian saved the hick. It should've been Annette for all I care. Sebastian was never self-righteous. When we were in third grade he pushed Blaine into the pool. Poor Blaine was almost drowning since he didn't know how to seem yet.
I served myself a glass of Sebastian's favorite whiskey. I had a severe migraine. The weed wasn't helping it. I took a few pills of excedrin. Well I crushed them and I snorted it. I had become my worst nightmare an addict. I wasn't suicidal. I was just indifferent. I felt stuck. I felt guilty. I can't live with the guilt. It's poison.
I went to the record player and grabbed one of his favorite vinyls. Sebastian knew I loved to dance. I played " I only have eyes for you" by the Flamingos. It was one of the songs that played at our parents wedding. Flashbacks of Sebastian in a suit glaring at me. He looked delicious. I miss his devilish smirk.
With the second joint in my hand and the glass of whiskey in the other I started to twirl. Memories overcame me. Suddenly I felt Sebastian's gaze on me.
His blue ocean eyes glaring at my green ones. If I could only see him again. But there's nothing that could make that happen. Suddenly I felt so dizzy i fell to the ground with my drink all over me. I began to sob uncontrollably.
You don't realize the power they have until they leave you and nothing prepares for when you lose them. I always knew emotions were a fickle matter, now that I've let them out they're controlling me. I lost all the control I once had in my life. Now I'm a mess. Maybe I never told Sebastian the truth because I was afraid. He had been the only one to evoke such feelings in her.
"Sebastian , please come back from. Please I love you. Please forgive me for all the things I've done."
Maybe he got tired of waiting for me. He told me that once but he wasn't talking about him finally fucking me. He implied being together. We were drunk and high when he told me that how great would be we be together.
"I'm tired of the games Kat! You know if we were together we could do great things and not just in bed"
I remember him clearly whispering into my ear at a party last year, Sebastian had left the party and gone to Blaine's room , I followed him. I egged him on and touched his thigh that night. I straddled him whimpering his name and then I whispered to his ear "we could destroy each other baby" I kissed his and licked neck while I grinned unto him feeling his hard on but before he could grab my waist I quickly got up and left.
How I wish now I would've said yes to him right then and there. I thought he only wanted to fuck me that night but now i see it. I had never given Sebastian what he truly wanted. I was afraid of him. Afraid of the feelings he would evoke in me and then afraid of him betraying me.
I'm choking on my words. I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. My heart was beating so fast. I felt like I was drowning and my lungs were filled with water. The track playing over and over again I managed to get up and I collapsed on Sebastian's bed. Drowned in the sheets and the smell of him.
Authors note
Hey everyone! I hope you enjoyed my little story! It's my first in a long time. I love Kathryn and Sebastian. Although I see i'm quite late on the ship. I couldn't get this scene out of my head. I think this is story if you guys like it will have more chapters! It's my first fanfic ! I hope you guys enjoy. If you have any comments or criticism please don't be shy :)! I only want to grow and learn!